There are two ways to try to save a relationship, and one way to find peace and comfort in not being able to save a bad relationship. Instructions on how to break up with someone you love.
It would be wonderful if people adjusted to us. But obviously, the relationship is suffering because no one has adjusted to the other person. Since you’re the one reading this, I have to address you. Especially since it indicates that you value the relationship’s success more than the other party currently not browsing Google content.
If you genuinely desire this person, the relationship can succeed if you are willing to make sacrifices for its survival.
How Do You Know When It’s Over?
Before breaking up with someone you love
Let’s Try to Save the Relationship First
We have to start with the obvious: it is easiest to maintain a relationship with someone who is compatible with us. If you are an extrovert, find someone who is extroverted. If you are religious, find someone who shares similar religious beliefs. You will have fewer apparent differences of opinion and, consequently, fewer topics for disagreement. Therefore, I recommend attempting relationships with compatible individuals.
However, suppose you’ve fallen for someone completely different from you.
And you both are trying to preserve that relationship but are facing difficulties. In that case, we have two options at our disposal.
The first option is to make compromises
But you must be careful with compromises, as usually one or both parties end up dissatisfied.
For instance, you want to go to the beach, and the other party prefers the mountains. The first way of compromising might be going to a spa or on a city vacation. So choose the third option or find a middle ground. However, no one gets what they want in that case, resulting in two dissatisfied parties who compromise.
Another form of compromise is taking turns. Like doing what one person wants one time and what the other person wants the next time. This can work well, but the precondition for any middle ground is that both parties strongly desire to stay together and are willing to sacrifice for it.
Here’s an example of such a compromise: Imagine a couple where one person is extroverted and enjoys socializing, while the other is introverted and prefers staying at home. If they decide to go out one weekend and stay home the next one, it could work. Both parties are willing to endure the discomfort of one weekend.
As I mentioned, the prerequisite is that each person in their mind carries the thought, “I want to stay with you, and therefore, I sacrifice this weekend for you. You are worth it.” Both parties need to repeat this over and over because otherwise, sooner or later, someone will say, “This adapting and sacrificing are not worth it for me. I’ll do what I should and what comes naturally to me.”
Why Break Up Is So Hard To Bear: Real Reasons
The second option is adapting to the other person and their needs.
Less important is who adjusts, although you probably wish the other party would adapt to your intelligent thoughts and opinions. Still, I’m addressing you, and later, you can either listen to or relay this message.
Taking the previous example of the extrovert and introvert couple, let’s say the introvert needs to adapt because they value the relationship more. This means the introvert must either start going out with their extroverted partner or stay home peacefully while the partner enjoys going out. As you can hear, the emphasis is on peace.
I know many couples who chose this path and are living fine because, in the end, they got what they wanted (that particular partner), and they were not “stubborn” about not adapting.
Analyze Yourself
Perhaps your partner wants an open relationship and you don’t, or your partner is ambitious and you’re not, or your partner doesn’t want kids while you do—there can be many reasons.
In this case, you have three options:
- Either be in eternal conflict until you part ways due to some insurmountable difference,
- Make some compromise, or
- Adapt so that you don’t argue until you part ways.
I know this hit you directly in the gut, and you’re rolling your eyes at me, but if you momentarily detach from emotions and return to reason, you’ll know I’m right. And there is no fourth option to save a relationship with someone who does not want to make compromises.
Of course, your ideal option is for the person to choose your preference, such as having kids.
📌 Here, I must emphasize to women: this is the only area where I wouldn’t compromise. You can fix and acquire everything else in your life except your biological clock.
Therefore, if you want kids, don’t compromise because you might reach a point where you will no longer have the opportunity to have kids.
And now, back to the topic.
Your ideal scenario would be for the partner to adapt and do things your way. However, as you know, you argue about this, and it leads to parting ways because they don’t want to adapt. And even if they do, sometimes it’s forced and accompanied by grumbling.
So, what’s left for you?
It’s For You To Adapt To Them And Find Peace
Tell yourself: This partner is too precious for me to let go, and they are worth my sacrifices. Then convince yourself that your sacrifice was justified because the reward is your partner and peace with them.
And once again, let’s be clear (given that the context of this post is highly positive, with an attempt to help you save your relationship, or at least find peace if you decide to let it go). If you’re currently grumbling, it will be considered stubbornness and a refusal to consider options, which is a shame because it’s your life.
And here we are, finally addressing the insurmountable differences that no one would sacrifice, ultimately dooming these relationships to failure or perpetual conflict. But I wonder if you see how persistently I advocate for preserving things, indicating, I hope, my belief that little of what has worked should be destroyed. However, now let’s talk about that.
Maybe it’s time to end the relationship after all
How Do You Know It’s Time To Break Up?
Not so long ago, I had a couple where everything was fantastic between them.
They got along wonderfully and were deeply in love. Indeed, everything was beautiful. Conversations, support, physical attraction, sex, plans, a sense of humor—everything was good between them. However, he had a persistent gambling problem that bankrupted them as a couple.
And let me tell you, this problem leads people to part ways. There are only a few such problems—abuse, gambling, substance abuse, alcoholism, and infidelity. There are others, but let’s say these are impossible to overcome for the majority of relationships.
Now, your problem might be something else. Perhaps insignificant to others but very significant to you. Lack of respect, excessive outings, laziness, etc.
And pay attention—you have everything else with this person, but there’s this one significant reason or several smaller or larger reasons causing arguments in the relationship, maybe even breakups. If you’re not a proponent of either of the two previous suggestions—compromise and adaptation—then the last solution that remains for you is to give up on the entire thing.
📍 Again, try the first two solutions if you believe your chosen partner is the right person for you.
However, if this one reason for disagreement is so challenging to overcome or find a compromise solution, the relationship will probably have to end.
If you imagine all the wonderful things you have together as colors—various pleasant, colorful hues in the picture—then you can envision this one significant, insurmountable thing as a black color perpetually tinting your picture, i.e., your relationship.
But let’s be more precise.
Suppose you spent the entire morning chirping, loving each other in the afternoon, and going out for lunch. In the evening, your partner is going out with friends again. You’ll almost certainly be angry with him, leading to another argument. And tomorrow morning, there won’t be chirping—just two days of arguing and half a day of the good stuff. That isn’t good math.
We’ve mentioned the solutions to this and won’t repeat them. But if those aren’t your solutions, the third, breaking up, might be the only solution.
How To Leave Someone You Love But Is Toxic
If compromises and adaptations are unacceptable, then parting ways is your path.
In that case, your way to find peace within yourself is to always and forever focus on this one, albeit a significant and ugly thing. Black color. And think about what your life will be like with that person.
And if you ever think it’s not so bad, you always have options one and two: compromise or adaptation.
📍Whatever you choose, try sticking to one of these three approaches for a while to see how it goes.
I hope you are not amused by changing your mind every hour.
📌 Also, one important and useful thing to know: is that if you have a decent person in front of you with whom stuff can’t work out, understand that no one is to blame for the incompatibility and breakup.
You just had different needs and interests, and there’s no point in tormenting each other.
As I’ve said at least three hundred times in this text, you have options one and two. Everything else is pure agony.
How To Recognize Hidden Toxicity in Relationships?
In any case, it always depends on how important it is for you to be with that person.
If you ever rearrange your needs in life and realize that you can’t cope with something that person brings into your life, know that there are people with whom you can function. And there won’t be that black color tinting your relationship.
Don’t assume that there isn’t just one ideal partner for you.
Conclusion:
Once again, consider the first two solutions, and if they’re unacceptable to you, consider the third. If it turns out to be your only option, focus only on what ruined your relationship and nerves—the black color. Only look at what you don’t like and move on until you find someone with whom that something won’t exist.
Please don’t waste time and energy on something that will never work out how you want it to, especially if you can’t force your partner to do things your way. There you have it.
Good luck. Dee.
