Psychological insights on relationships: rejections, breakups, making relationships happy, unhealthy dynamics, and general psychology.

How The Unconscious Mind Controls Our Conscious Mind

How our Unconscious Mind influences our Conscious Mind and determines whether we stay in a relationship. In the same way, it determines everything else in our lives.

This is the most simplified representation of the Conscious and Unconscious Mind. You can read more about it here: Psychodynamic Psychology

Handsome man standing

An article about why someone leaves you even though they love you.

Unconscious Part of Us:

1. It originates from learning from our parents or caregivers (we’ll use parents as an example).

2. The data that we gather all around us is what creates it. These data are retained and remain in us in the form of the unconscious mind.

3. We can only learn from other people who are constantly present. Whatever parents say – that’s the truth.

  • If parents say, Be kind – that’s true.
  • If parents say, You should have a partner, that is good for you – that’s true.
  • If they say Depression is part of life – that’s true.
  • If they say Life is tough and scary – that’s true.

When I say: they say, I mean show, say, force, insist… but actually, most of all, show by example.

4. Whatever parents say or demonstrate by their example gets embedded in us.

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5. We absorb with all our senses, so what we see parents or guardians doing is also extremely important. We are extremely prone to copy their behaviors.

6. We are formed by that (here you can imagine play-doh, and parents are one color of play-doh. Blue, for example. The more blue there is, the bluer we will be.

7. The color blue stands for a vast amount of information—verbal, visual, experiences, etc.

8. Of course, besides parents, other members also participate in adding information later. Friends, neighbors, relatives, teachers, bystanders, and our personal experience of the world, etc.

9. These pieces of information embedded in us are significant, strong, and dominant because they have greatly influenced us (for example, if a friend at school tells us we are ugly – we will remember it and store it in our Unconscious Mind).

10. All this information is suppressed, stored, and forms our Unconscious Mind.

11. Our Unconscious Mind is thus formed from millions of pieces of information.

12. Formula for calculating the Unconscious Mind part of ourselves: the person’s age x 365 days x how much information fits in one day.

13. The unconscious Minds controls our Conscious Mind because it’s made up of enormous pieces of information.

What is the best way to gain self-confidence?

Handsome man

Conscious Part of Us:

1. It emerges later, when we form as adults.

2. We knowingly receive and consider information.

  • This couple has a beautiful romantic relationship- I want the same.
  • Everyone around me is getting divorced and arguing – Romantic relationships are indeed not good.
  • This is not easy. I like that person. That person is my friend. This person is my enemy, etc.
A beautiful woman thinking

3. In our consciousness, we pay attention to several dozen things at the same time and process them (I read somewhere that it is a maximum of 40 things, but I don’t know if that information is correct)

4. That information obviously changes, but the evaluation of that information is already influenced by the old information stored in our Unconscious Mind.

5. It can be said that these are our conscious choices. What we are rationally thinking about at this moment.

6. This information also flows into our Unconscious Mind, of course.


Good: You should be positive. Life is good. You should find a suitable partner. All problems are solvable. Don’t be afraid. You can find a good partner, etc.
Bad: Life is tough. People will hurt you. Partners are a danger. You should be afraid. There are no good relationships, etc.


The Unconscious Mind controls the Conscious Mind

This is obviously about the fact that millions of pieces of information are stored in our Unconscious Mind. In our Conscious Mind, we deal with, as I said, only 40 pieces of information. The Unconscious Mind is much more powerful and dominant, obviously.

If the Unconscious Mind contains good information (romantic relationships are good) + If the Conscious Mind contains good information (there are good partners) = love will prevail.

If the Unconscious contains good information (romantic relationships are good) + If the Conscious contains bad/wrong information (everyone is getting divorced these days) = the Unconscious Mind will prevail. It will be a bit harder, but the Unconscious Mind will win.

If the Unconscious Mind contains bad information (people will hurt you) + If the Conscious Mind contains good information (there are good partners) = the Unconscious Mind will prevail. Establishing a good romantic relationship will be very difficult. It’s possible, but it isn’t easy, and it takes a long time to fill the conscious part of us with more positive information.

If the Unconscious Mind contains bad information (people will hurt you) + If the Conscious Mind contains bad information (everyone is getting divorced) = there’s literally no chance for love to prevail. Because we are convinced that it’s tough from childhood, and we have fresher evidence that it’s painful.

Man thinking Consciously and unconsciously

The only way to influence the unconscious part and change it is through the conscious part. It is necessary to absorb and convince ourselves of a lot of new information that is more in line with our goals. Information will flow into our unconscious and change it over time.

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