How to recognize gaslighting, which signs to pay particular attention to. How to interpret them and how to stand up for yourself. And finally: how to heal after gaslighting in a toxic relationship.

Gaslighting: The Ultimate Form of Manipulation

What is Gaslighting?

Gaslighting occurs when a person or a group of people use psychological and emotional manipulation to make another person question their sanity and perception of reality. The gaslighter distorts reality, memories, feelings, and understanding of the situation.

Why Do People Gaslight?

Typical reasons for gaslighting include securing one’s superiority, control, and narcissistic tendencies (the need to always be right, never admit mistakes, gain some benefit, etc.). The essence of gaslighting is that the person doing it wants to gain something—whether it’s physical, emotional, or psychological. The needs vary.

It’s important to understand that manipulators are always aware of what they’re doing. They don’t do it accidentally but rather very deliberately. Due to their specific character traits, some individuals may gaslight unconsciously, but they are still aware of its impact on their victims.

The Impact of Gaslighting on Mental Health

After long-term exposure to such manipulation and gaslighting, a person may lose their sense of reality. They may begin to doubt their abilities and sanity altogether. They might start questioning their qualities, feeling inferior to others, believing they can’t do anything right, thinking wrongly, and misbehaving.

As a result, their self-confidence and self-respect are inevitably destroyed.

Moreover, this poor mental state can lead to anxiety (uncertainty about the future), depression (because the future looks pretty bleak), and even trauma and dysfunction in daily life.

Why it’s important to leave a toxic relationship.

How to Recognize Gaslighting

Common Gaslighting Techniques

All typical manipulative mechanisms fall under gaslighting. Some are more obvious, while others are hidden and difficult to recognize, but we’ll list some of them.

Please take this with caution so you don’t label someone who means well or has no bad intentions as manipulative just because their methods overlap with these.

Lies and Denial

Typical phrases used to distort the truth include: “That never happened” or “You’re making that up.” The intention is to make the person start doubting their perception of events. With enough exposure, the person may no longer be able to judge even the most apparent events as true or not.

• Do you trust me more than your own eyes? (from the joke where a woman catches her husband with a mistress).

Another common tactic is twisting memories: “Are you sure it happened that way?” or “Maybe you just dreamed it.” The gaslighter likely has some benefit from making the person remember events differently.

Selective Use of Information

Gaslighters manipulate information to create a particular image or put the person they want to gaslight in the wrong position.

Examples:

• They focus on one mistake the victim made and dwell on it intensely while ignoring all the good the victim has done.
• During conversations, they latch onto a phrase that suits their manipulation and refuse to move away from it. The victim is forced to deal with that one phrase.
• They take things out of context and insist that their interpretation is correct.
• They exaggerate things, like the victim’s statements.
• They withhold important information that is crucial to the story.

Warning Signs Of A Toxic Relationship

Isolation of the Victim

The intention is to ensure that the person stops receiving insights from others, allowing the manipulator to maintain their position. Outside influences are undesirable because the victim is carefully shaped to be easily manipulated.

This is done by convincing the person that everyone else wants to hurt them, use them, doesn’t love them, or isn’t their friend. It may even go as far as physically preventing the person from being in contact with others.

Devaluation of Feelings and Belittling

The goal is to destroy the victim’s self-confidence and self-respect. Typical statements include: “You’re too sensitive,” “Everyone thinks you’re crazy,” or “Nobody likes you.”

If people doubt themselves, they will turn to their manipulator as a source of approval and strength.

Manipulation Wrapped in Empathy and Love

The manipulator understands that they cannot control the person directly but knows they can control them through love and the appearance of good intentions. This is why phrases like “I’m doing this because I love you,” “Are you sure this is good for you?” or “I don’t think this is right for you” are common.

It’s hard to discern what the person is doing when everything is wrapped in love and concern for the victim. However, this ultimately impedes the victim’s ability to pursue things that are important to them.

Am I Toxic In My Relationship?

Creating Dependency

Through all this, a dependency on the manipulator is formed, making them the sole source of decisions, friendship, reason, kindness, etc.

The victim no longer trusts themselves at all and becomes utterly dependent on their manipulator, who is seen as the only one who knows how life should be lived.

Distraction and Deflection

If you ever confront your manipulator, they will undoubtedly change the subject. They will shift the focus to your flaws, your actions, etc.

The goals are to:

• Avoid addressing your accusations and doubts.
• Strengthen their position.
• Humiliate you once again and make you question your sanity.

Remember, everything is always geared towards this goal: to make you doubt yourself.

10 Signs of a Toxic  Relationships

How to Identify Gaslighting in Your Relationship

Denial of the Obvious

Test your partner by bringing up some uncomfortable but noticeable behaviors they exhibit, such as flirting with others. You might have your answer if they aggressively deny, twist the truth, or accuse you of doing the same.

A word of caution: No one likes to admit they’ve been flirting or looking at other people, at least not at first. No one likes to confess to doing something wrong. However, if your partner eventually admits it, that’s a good sign that they were just trying to avoid trouble, not to gaslight you or make you feel crazy.

Pay Attention to Rewriting History

First and foremost, you must be sure that the event happened as you remember it.

If you insist that your partner said or did something or that a particular event occurred a certain way, and they deny it, be alert.

A word of caution: People often remember the same situation differently. In such cases, your partner might agree that you both remember it differently and might be right. They won’t stubbornly defend their version of events (mainly if nothing significant depends on it, just their pride).

Undermining Your Emotions

You have certain emotions, and while they may come from incorrect beliefs or the wrong place, they are still yours. Your partner should help you process them rather than belittle you.

Ultimately, if you’re being overly dramatic or have emotions they can’t handle, it’s better to part ways than for them to invalidate you.

So, if your partner says, “You’re too sensitive” or “You’re overreacting,” instead of discussing the issue, that’s not a good sign.

Now, you may indeed be overreacting, but there’s a better way to address it.

To be clear, not everyone will have the patience to listen to you and constantly offer a different perspective to comfort you, so you need to be prepared for that. But if your partner practically mocks your emotions, that’s a sign of a manipulative personality.

Why Is It So Hard To Leave A Toxic Relationship

Shifting Blame

There’s a joke: When a narcissist hits someone, they complain that their hand hurts. This joke perfectly illustrates this point. If you feel wronged or hurt, and your partner blames you for it, you’re likely dealing with a manipulative person who is trying to gaslight you.

Of course, no one wants to be responsible for bad things and mistakes, and everyone will try to deflect blame. But if you’ve been wronged, the first step should be to apologize to you, not blame you.

You can wait a while to see if an apology or remorse ever comes. If it doesn’t, you have your answer.

There’s a chance you genuinely disagree about who is at fault, so it would be good to analyze this together and for the person who made the mistake to admit it—whether it’s you acknowledging that you misjudged the situation and expected an apology or your partner.

Repeated Forgetting

Make plans you know your partner won’t enjoy (e.g., going somewhere they don’t like, scheduling a date when it suits you, not when it suits them, etc.). Agree with your partner to follow through with these plans. If, when the time comes, your partner denies ever making the plans or twists the agreement, they are likely trying to gaslight you.

A typical example is when a couple makes plans for a date, and one person doesn’t show up, claiming that the time of the meeting wasn’t clearly communicated.

Isolation from Support Systems

If your partner persistently tries to remove people who are good to you and have your best interests at heart from your life, pay close attention.

Take note of how many such people are left in your life.

Also, observe how your partner talks about others. Do they devalue them, mock them, or belittle your friendships?

Of course, if they’re talking about someone who is exploiting you or isn’t good for you, that’s another story. But if it turns out that no one is good for you, that’s a red flag.

“Everyone Thinks This About You…”

If your partner frequently says things like, “Even our friends think you’re overreacting,” or “Everyone else agrees with me; you’re the only one who sees it differently,” it could be a sign of gaslighting.

Your partner essentially tells you that you’re the only one who doesn’t see things correctly, while everyone else sees them and agrees with you.

Check with your friends to see if this is true.

How to protect yourself from toxicity in relationships

Mocking or Dismissing Concerns

Of course, we’re talking about mocking cruelly here. The goal is to make you stop expressing certain things in the future because you fear being mocked. For example, concerns or fears about something.

This is also a way to test if you’re being gaslighted. Your partner must take your thoughts, feelings, doubts, and fears seriously.

So, if you notice that your partner mocks you when you express specific thoughts or feelings, I recommend standing up for yourself firmly.

You Never Do Anything Right!

Whatever you do, your partner is never satisfied. This can even go so far that something they praise one day, they criticize the next.

The goal is to make you unsure of what’s right or wrong, disrupting your internal balance and sense of values. This will lead you to rely more on their judgment because you can’t trust your own.

Check how many times a day your partner criticizes you for something. If it’s more than once, that’s not good. Even once a day is too much… but it’s tolerable.

Constant Feel the Need to Apologize and Justify Yourself?

Your partner constantly behaves as if you’ve done something wrong and always expects you to improve and apologize.

And it never ends. Whatever you do, you do it wrong and will be called out for it. Part of your identity has become constantly apologizing.

Try to catch yourself thinking you’ve done something wrong. Notice if you say “sorry” or justify yourself too many times throughout the day.

Trust Your Intuition

Simply put: If you feel like you’re always mistaken around someone, it might be because that person is making you feel that way.

Take this with a grain of caution: Do you usually feel like you’re always wrong about something (some people live with a sense of guilt imposed on them at some point in the past, maybe in their primary family)? If you discover this in yourself, you can’t blame your partner (unless it started with them). In this case, it would be a good idea to find the root of this and seek therapy for the problem.

How To Build Self-Confidence: Tips From a Professional

Confronting the Gaslighter: Strategies for Taking Back Control

The Answer is No

Begin actively resisting the gaslighter’s tactics.

When they claim that things differ from how you see, think, or feel, your response should be, “No.” They are not different. Things are exactly as I perceive them, and there’s no reason why you should be correct. We can have different feelings and discuss them, but you will not convince me that my feelings are wrong.

Allow the person to explain their version of events reasonably, but not in a way that manipulates you—instead, to offer another perspective.

When your partner wants to do things that don’t align with your reasonable vision, the answer is “No.” If they do it anyway, the response should be, “This must not happen again.”

If you’re dealing with a gaslighter, you will frequently use phrases like “No,” “It’s not allowed,” “I don’t want that,” “I won’t allow that,” and “I don’t approve.”

Setting Boundaries

You can set boundaries for each of the abovementioned techniques that gaslighters use.

• “I won’t allow you to speak poorly about my family and friends.”
• “If you don’t respect our agreements, the consequences will be: ______”
• “I won’t allow you to mock me.”
• “Don’t talk to me like that.”

Clearly state the conditions and consequences if the person crosses your boundaries. Stick to the consequences you’ve announced.

How To Set Boundaries In a Relationship – 12 Steps

Talk to Someone You Trust

I caution you that friends and family can be biased, so talking to someone neutral or a counselor might be the best option.

However, family and friends may also point out behaviors in your partner that seem normal to you but are not.

It’s good to consult with others to gain a new perspective, as long-term exposure to gaslighting can lead to an inability to distinguish what is expected and acceptable from what is not. This is why many things others find unacceptable may have become part of your routine.

Still, keep others from deciding for you what is acceptable and what is not.

Consider Leaving the Relationship

If your gaslighter starts to stay the same, consider leaving the relationship. Unfortunately, such personalities are challenging to change.

The problem is that this modus operandi (gaslighting) is a core part of their identity.

Moreover, this behavior often yields good results, so they lack strong motivation to change.

However, even small adjustments are welcome… but be careful. When such a personality is forced to adapt, it will remember it and hold it against you. It may seek revenge the first chance it gets because you forced them to change and indirectly showed that you see who they are and what they do.

Additionally, they always need to be in control and superior, so your behavior, where you set the rules, is certainly not something they want in their life.

Be cautious… they will seek revenge.

But if, by some miracle, your partner starts to change or at least adapt to your rules, my advice is to firmly hold onto your rules and not allow a return to the old dynamics.

When to Fight for a Relationship and When to Let Go?

Healing After Gaslighting

Reconnecting With Your Reality

Test your reality. How accurate you’ve been all along might surprise you.

Talk to people about how they see things.

Try organizing your thoughts through writing.

Discuss your concerns with a therapist. Dedicate one session to asking what is natural, positive, acceptable, and expected. What values are good, and how should things function?

I remember a client who was in a long-distance relationship (her boyfriend had moved to another country). When he visited, he insisted that it was normal for them to spend just one day together while he spent the rest of his time with his friends. This happened every time.

Later, we debated whether this was normal.

It’s important to reassess everything you’ve started to doubt in that relationship and accept new parameters of reality.

Rebuilding Self-Esteem and Confidence

Since you can no longer trust your partner, it’s time to start trusting yourself.

There are good techniques for building self-confidence, which you can read more about here How To Build Self-Confidence: Tips From a Professional

Building self-confidence is a long process that involves questioning everything you believe in the people you compare yourself to, the ideas and beliefs imposed on you, etc.

It’s also important to convince yourself of your own qualities. The best way to do this is by actively engaging in activities you want to excel in, eliminating any potential self-doubt.

Seeking Professional Help

Of course, re-evaluating the reality that’s been imposed on you will be more effective with the help of a professional who can provide a different perspective.

They might ask the right questions to help you analyze the beliefs that have been imposed on you.

You might also learn techniques to help you navigate life and build new beliefs.

Recover From Toxic Relationship: How to Do It

Moving Forward: Building Healthy Relationships

Any healing process will progress faster if you surround yourself with people who wish you well, whom you trust, and who you perceive as sincere.

Such people can help you see reality differently.

If they are sincere, they will praise and support you where needed and suggest corrections where necessary. This will help you see whether they are just giving you insincere praise or genuinely witnessing the truth about you.

However, if you enter relationships before you’re committed to working on your self-confidence, self-respect, and self-love, you must be very, very careful. If you enter a relationship in a poor state (e.g., lacking self-belief), the person you’re with might exploit this or reject you, which could further damage your self-esteem.

That’s why the deciding factor is your decision to improve certain aspects of yourself and identify what those aspects are. If you approach relationships with this mindset, you’ll quickly recognize people who don’t fit your new needs and won’t allow them to stay in your life for too long. You’ll also remember those who do fit your new needs. When such people enter your life, they can help you heal more quickly.

How To Start Over In a Relationship

I hope this text has been comprehensive and provided you with the necessary information about gaslighting in toxic relationships.

Keep in mind that gaslighting will change you.

If you’re constantly doing things wrong (which is the gaslighter’s primary tactic), you’ll start to doubt yourself, whether you like it or not. And if you start doubting yourself, everything else snowballs, adding to your self-doubt, lack of confidence, lack of self-respect, lack of belief in yourself, self-contempt, self-devaluation, and so on.

Suppose you’re in a relationship with a gaslighter (and this person truly fits all these parameters). In that case, my most sincere recommendation is to leave the relationship and close off any access they have to you.