Since avoidant personalities tend to shy away from relationships and difficult conversations, they can be some of the most challenging partners to communicate with. In this guide, we will explore practical strategies on how to communicate with an avoidant partner.
What Does It Mean to Have an Avoidant Attachment Style?
A Brief Overview of the Avoidant Attachment Style
There’s a common misconception that avoidant partners consciously choose to become avoidant, but the issue is much more complex.
For avoidant partners, it’s always about avoiding emotional pain caused by others.
The assumption is that they were hurt at some point for various reasons, and as a result, they learned to lock themselves and their emotions away, not allowing people easy access to them—ideally, not allowing any access at all.
Avoidant partners, like everyone else, have a need for closeness, and this is the only reason they still try to engage in romantic relationships.
However, because they must avoid negative emotions, they are exceptionally trained to be on guard and to withdraw as soon as they sense they might be hurt.
For this reason, they need to be approached in a way that doesn’t seem threatening. This is the foundation of understanding how to communicate with avoidant partners.
Avoidant partners belong to one of the most complex groups to approach and communicate with. Avoidant means that, as much as they want a relationship, they equally want to avoid it, and they often remain 50/50 between staying or leaving the relationship. People usually describe such partners as having “walls” around them.
Due to this 50% desire to leave the relationship and disengage, avoidant partners often let their behavioral patterns win.
If they fail to establish a relationship with someone, they find that just as acceptable as if they had succeeded. They will see the benefits of both outcomes, and early in the relationship, they will often see more advantages to staying alone.
So, if you’re in a relationship with an avoidant person and the relationship lasts, that’s already a good thing. It means their need for closeness and belonging has won, and they’ve at least passed the first stage of attempting to build a strong relationship.
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Understanding the Avoidant Partner
Here’s what you need to understand about these partners:
- Avoidance isn’t a lack of love; it’s a defense mechanism.
- When they withdraw, it usually has nothing to do with you.
- When they need space, this also has nothing to do with you.
And this can be tricky since we are all humans, and people tend to interpret things through their egos.
A typical person always assumes it’s about them. When they are rejected, when someone pulls away, when someone is nervous or in a bad mood, etc.
From my experience in practice, most people wonder if they’ve done something wrong or somehow caused this behavior. This self-focus prevents people from seeing the truth: they deal with a specific type of partner.
But with avoidant partners, you must be aware that you’re dealing with someone who is very individualistic and acts for themselves, not for others.
If you want to stay and maintain a relationship with an avoidant partner, you have to sharply separate these two things.
Your entire focus must be on carefully handling such a partner, which can be challenging (because they quickly leave others). This is the hardest part. As I said, it’s because we also have our own needs, and we’re necessary to ourselves (in the sense of: Why they shouldn’t focus on me?!).
- It seems easy, to leave other people, but emotionally, it’s not. It is just as difficult for them as it is for anyone who has become attached and given someone a chance.
For avoidant partners, it’s much more vital that they don’t get hurt, as negative emotions represent the scariest thing in the world to them than it is to keep someone in their life. This doesn’t make them bad people, but rather people who practically have a phobia of negative emotions.
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Practical Suggestions for How to Communicate With an Avoidant Partner
1. When Is the Right Time for a Conversation?
It could be any time, so think of it that way. It’s best to plan the topics you intend to discuss, but don’t plan or impose the exact moment.
In the case of avoidant partners, spontaneity is the best solution. When a casual conversation happens and the discussion naturally leads to your topic, that’s the best moment because this kind of partner won’t feel pressured and won’t want to run away from you.
Imposing a topic and insisting, like: “We need to talk about something,” is the wrong approach for these partners. In this case, they feel like you are being emotional about something, and when you are emotional, they feel forced to be emotional, and emotions are painful… so they choose to flee.
That’s why I suggest being ready to have the conversation within the next fifteen days, as a good opportunity will undoubtedly arise. I hope you’re not impatient and that you don’t need to talk immediately.
- This approach can work, but in this case, your partner will only listen to you; they won’t consider your suggestions but will associate the conversation with negative emotions (I was forced into this conversation) and automatically reject it.
If you want to talk to an avoidant partner:
2. Anticipate Your Partner’s Emotions
Take into account all the emotions they might experience during the conversation. This will let them know that you’re aware of how this talk may affect them.
For example: “Look, I think what I’m going to say might upset you, and I don’t want that to happen. If you think it might upset you, we can postpone it until another time. Or, we can talk so you don’t take it too emotionally or personally, and we’ll treat it as a conversation.”
This way, you can calm your partner down, who will know you are considering their emotions.
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3. Talk to Your Partner Positively
Try to make 80% of the conversation about good, positive, and beneficial things and only 20% about what you want to discuss.
What do I mean by this? Speak so that your avoidant partner can understand the benefits they get from the conversation (you can bend the truth a little here).
For example: “Thank you for talking to me about this. I know you don’t like these kinds of topics, but you’re doing me a huge favor. I owe you for this. It means a lot to me. I see that you care about me,” etc.
You don’t have to say it all at once, as that would sound silly, but you get the idea.
It’s essential that your partner feels the conversation is positive and that they’ve already gained some small benefit from it (such as receiving praise and that you owe them). Also, positive emotions (pride, generosity, a sense that there’s no threat) will prevent a surge of negative emotions, which usually arise whenever they’re faced with a serious conversation.
4. Give Them Space to Avoid the Conversation
If your partner doesn’t want to talk when you’re ready, shrug and say, “Okay.”
Don’t show any negative emotion, even if it happens for the fifth time.
If it happens five times, change your strategy, but never get upset if an avoidant partner avoids the conversation.
It’s very important that the avoidant partner feels you’re not emotional about the upcoming conversation. As I said, if you’re emotional, they’ll become emotional, and they don’t want that. Never forget that the avoidant partner’s goal is to avoid all negative emotions.
That’s why I suggest acting completely indifferent (or, even better, not acting and truly being indifferent).
If your partner avoids the conversation with the excuse that it’s not the right time, respond indifferently: “That’s fine with me. We can talk anytime. It’s not important” (even if it is essential). Again, the idea is that they don’t anticipate negative emotions.
If the conversation has to be done as soon as possible, I suggest:
- Keeping it as short as possible
- Telling them what’s bothering you
- Suggesting two or three solutions
- Ask your partner for their solutions by the end of the day (otherwise, the avoidant partner will avoid giving you any solutions).
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5. Avoid Blaming
Use “I” statements to avoid a defensive reaction. Avoidant partners don’t handle being attacked or accused well. They generally don’t cope with negative emotions, and any accusation (even if it’s not your intention) will trigger negative emotions. That’s why it’s essential to communicate using “I” statements.
For example, say: “I feel hurt when you withdraw”, instead of, “You always run away from problems.”
6. Talk About How Your Partner Feels
About what you are asking from them. Discuss your partner’s feelings instead of focusing on solutions.
For instance, if you want to talk about moving, a good conversation would be: “How do you feel about moving? What bothers you about it? Do you think that ____?”
Conversations like this can provide important information to which you can respond. You can offer some more positive suggestions to everything your partner says.
7. Offer a Reward If They Manage to Communicate a Problem
People typically agree to things more quickly when they see a benefit for themselves in what they are asked to do.
The reward must be interesting or meaningful to your partner, not something that only suits you to offer. Remember: they also don’t want these conversations as much as you do.
8. Let Your Avoidant Partner Set the Terms of the Conversation
How long the conversation will last, what day is best for having it, etc. You can tell your partner what you want to discuss and tell them: “Here, you choose the conditions under which we will talk. I will respect your terms.”
For this to work, you need to…
Create a Safe Space for Communication
Gradually build trust
if you want to communicate with an avoidant partner
Present yourself as patient and kind, someone who doesn’t bring a lot of negative emotions into your life. Be cooperative.
Because the initial period with avoidant partners (and with some else) is meant to test how much negative emotion you will trigger in them. If it turns out you won’t trigger much, they will take that into account when they talk to you about important topics.
Trust me, they carefully observe you because they view entering a relationship as a significant emotional risk.
Also, you will naturally become more cooperative and easy-going if you practice this.
Don’t Force Emotional Closeness
Emotional closeness with these partners will develop spontaneously. There’s no need to do things you would do with other partners (insisting on spending the night, making grand declarations of love, taking pictures together for Instagram, introducing this person to your parents, etc.)
These people move slowly and with great caution. They don’t want to impose obligations on themselves that will burden them, and even less do they want someone else imposing them.
But if, over time, you manage not to cause the avoidant partner too much emotional tension and stress, they will feel relaxed and safe around you. And that will connect you. They already interpret that they don’t feel burdened around someone as closeness.
Once you’ve connected with such a partner (since only some people manage to do this), you can discuss many topics using the abovementioned approaches.
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However, with these partners, sometimes seeking help is necessary
Some avoidant partners are 50-50.
50% want to belong to someone, and 50% want to escape.
50% want to feel closeness, while 50% are terrified by the idea.
If your partner is one of these and every step forward involves one or two steps back, trying to persuade them to talk to a therapist is a good idea.
In my experience, I always recommend starting with individual therapy and, after a few individual sessions, couples therapy. A therapist or couple’s counselor can teach you how to communicate.
Suggest therapy to your partner authoritatively and as a condition for the relationship, but not harshly. You can even do it casually, like, “Just give it a try. It would mean a lot to me. Maybe it will be good.”
As I mentioned, if you bond with your partner by not triggering negative emotions and making them feel safe with you, they will likely agree to do the things you want just to keep you in their life.
Finally:
If conversations aren’t working, you have two choices:
- To agree to live by the rules of avoidant partner—if you want that person in your life. This requires an exceptional ability to adapt.
- To leave the relationship and find someone with whom communication will be more accessible. This is perfectly valid, considering that otherwise, you agree to function entirely by your partner’s will.
I hope this text has been helpful to you. Dee.
