In this text, I’m giving you concrete advice for good and functional communication, along with explanations for each tip. You might be surprised to realize just how layered communication can be and how simple it is once you understand it. You already know how effective it is.
How to Communicate at the Very Beginning of a Relationship
If your relationship is just starting and you have the opportunity for this
This is often the first moment when the foundation for poor communication—and consequently, a poor relationship—is laid. It’s logical, like when we lay the foundation for a house: if we place the first bricks (or whatever material is used) incorrectly, the entire house will likely be crooked or fall apart.
This initial awkward moment happens because:
- We like the person in front of us and are afraid to communicate openly about who we are not to scare them away.
- We have a habit of not communicating openly.
- We are ashamed of ourselves.
- We hope things will sort themselves out naturally.
But if we don’t communicate well from the start, the following things are likely to happen:
- We will accustom the person to a specific type of communication.
- We will “deceive” them into believing things are different than they are.
- In doing so, we will deceive ourselves in the long term.
- We might stay with someone who may not be suitable for us. If they will leave when we’re honest, that:
- It will happen sooner or later when we show our true selves.
- We’ll have to play a role the entire time, which is exhausting and often impossible to sustain.
So, open communication is crucial at the very beginning, even if it means risking the loss of someone we like.
📌 Example:
A client of mine dated a guy who pretended to have more money than he actually had at the start of the relationship. This led her to renovate his apartment according to her own taste, which, as you can guess, turned out to be quite expensive.
Four months later, they broke up because he didn’t want to spend all his money on the renovation.
She sat before me and said, “If only he had told me! I didn’t need to renovate his apartment, especially not so expensively. But he acted like it was normal. Now I’m without a boyfriend and embarrassed that I acted so frivolously.”
How to Communicate Better In a Relationship
My suggestions for open communication at the very beginning of a relationship.
Who am I.
At the very beginning of the relationship, communicate honestly and openly about who you are and what the other person can expect from you.
Don’t go into unpleasant details because the goal isn’t to scare them away, but be honest.
For example (in my client’s case, the right thing her boyfriend should have said): “I want to save money, and this is my monthly budget that I’m happy to spend with you.”
As you can see, the sentence is affirmative but clear, leaving no room for misunderstanding.
Similar sentences might be:
- “I work a lot, but I’d love to spend my free time with you. Here’s how much free time I have.”
- “I spend a lot of time taking care of my parents and will continue to be involved with them, but I am also looking for a romantic relationship.”
Take an Interest in Their Hobbies, Passions, and Expertise.
Hobbies are something a person does because they love it, so a great way to communicate is by showing interest in them. People will gladly talk at length about things they love or are experts in.
This way, you’ll make the person enjoy your company, feel proud, see you as a good fit, and you won’t have to try too hard to impress them. People can be just as impressed by your listening skills as your intelligence.
You’d be surprised how much people can entertain themselves with a good listener. So, ask them about things they enjoy talking about.
Talk With Emotion and Descriptions. And Enthusiasm.
This makes you more attractive. Stories are more engaging when they contain something deeper—emotions or expertise.
It’s good to explain what certain things mean to you, how you feel about them, what they remind you of, or what emotions they evoke.
It’s also good to show your expertise on a topic (and you have some knowledge on most life topics) or, if you don’t, to encourage the other person to show how smart or educated they are on the subject.
Cause and Leave a Positive Emotion.
That’s how people will remember you. People remember sentences, but the emotion they felt either draws them to you or pushes them away.
It’s important to sense what positive emotion means to that person. For some, it’s fun, excitement, and laughter; for others, it’s understanding their melancholy or seriousness.
When you understand what type of person you have in front of you, try to ensure he gets the emotions he expects during the conversation.
- I emphasize that there is a hypothesis (I have not checked the accuracy of this hypothesis, but you can) that the most important thing is that the person spends the last minutes of the conversation in the appropriate emotion. Apparently, those last minutes are crucial for what the person will think of you.
What Are You Afraid Of?
That the Person Won’t Stay Interested in You
It’s possible. But this is an impossible puzzle. If you are indeed yourself, the person might walk away. So, you’d have to lie about who you are… but that’s exhausting and unsustainable. Therefore, the only option is to become what you’re pretending to be in record time to align your story with reality.
- Otherwise, as I mentioned, this is an unsolvable equation if you don’t have the energy to become whatever you’ve claimed to be.
The second logical (most logical) option is to be exactly who you are and to look for people who will accept you as such. Of course, later, you can work together on what you want and think should be worked on.
It is very difficult and practically impossible to adapt to another person if it means completely moving away from yourself.
It is not sustainable (because you will become you sooner or later—show who you are) and unpleasant for you.
That You’re Not Good Enough
Again, possible. But you can always work on improving at things that matter to you. You need to identify where you fall short and work intensely and for as long as it takes to improve.
You can also discuss your ambitions and plans (of course, being careful not to let them remain just talk).
Regardless of the fact that you are not yet where you want to be, this might be enough for the person in front of you, especially if it matches their goals and needs. So be honest but ambitious and enthusiastic about yourself. That’s a good plan.
Overcome Fear of Rejection – Practical Steps
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When to Communicate About Important Things
Be smart and pick the right moments. These moments should involve:
- Neither you nor your partner is busy with something urgent.
- Neither of you is emotional or under pressure from other serious matters.
- Ideally, not in the evening when you’re both tired and, therefore, more emotional.
- Not when either of you is dealing with something else important.
Stick to One Topic Per Conversation
That’s about as much as people can emotionally handle. One topic.
Anything beyond that dilutes the importance of the first topic and becomes too much to process emotionally.
Try to Express Your Emotions and Thoughts Clearly
This means you should pause for a moment to understand your feelings before expressing them. Are you annoyed with the person, or is it something else? How do you feel when they do something? Are you rational or emotional?
Convey Your Thoughts Carefully and as Accurately as Possible
Don’t try to read minds, because that never works.
In my career, I’ve seen people who thought that because they’ve been with their partner for a while, their partner should assume what they want or think. But no one assumes.
The more clearly and seriously you communicate your needs, the greater the chances that they will be met.
How to Overcome Inferiority Complex in a Relationship
Don’t Dilute the Communication
And don’t let your partner dilute it.
What I mean: humor, relativizing, turning to other topics, inserting less important details or stories that divert the topic, etc. Therefore, avoid everything that will trivialize your communication and intention.
- Some people do this because they are uncomfortable having serious or difficult conversations.
If your partner does this, gently remind them of what you are doing and put them back on track with much patience.
Ask the Person if They Understood What You Were Trying to Say
Ask them to repeat how they understood your words (needs, desires, fears).
If they understood, great; continue to build on it.
If not, talk it through until what is said aligns with your intent and what they hear.
Offer Solutions
The options are to:
- Offer three solutions and let your partner choose one.
- Offer your solution and let your partner offer theirs.
- Compromise by agreeing to your partner’s solution this time; next time, they’ll agree to yours (or vice versa: yours first, then theirs).
- Let the one to whom this situation is more critical win.
Be wise and try not to compete so that you always win. There must be a balance in the relationship so that the healthy person does not feel damaged.
Someone said: Choose the battles you fight.
If it’s important to your partner, let him win; if it’s important to you – you win. And so everyone will get the most for themselves.
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Don’t Expect Things to Be Solved Immediately
People often take longer to accept suggestions, especially since they’ll likely need to change some habits or traits and adopt new ones.
That’s why allowing people to adjust to the new dynamic is fair.
Set a time frame for you and your partner to practice new patterns.
Be patient with your partner.
Encourage Your Partner to Do All These Same Things
If It Doesn’t Work, Change It
Your agreements aren’t set in stone. They aren’t the 11th Commandment that can’t be changed. Always seek agreements that better fit your situations, negotiations, and conflicts.
Sometimes, due to emotions and immaturity, we can’t choose the ideal solutions right away, and it’s essential to keep looking for better ones.
How To Improve Your Relationship
Don’t stress yourself out. There’s no need to adopt all of these suggestions and sit in front of your partner, wondering what to say next. Start with one thing; it will soon become part of your natural communication. Then, add the second and the third. Within six months, you should become an excellent communicator and teach your partner how to communicate and understand each other better in your relationship. From there, you can build further, knowing you’ve laid a solid foundation.
Dee