Psychological insights on relationships: rejections, breakups, making relationships happy, unhealthy dynamics, and general psychology.

How To Handle Rejection?

How to think when someone rejects you:

  1. Don’t ruminate on vague rejections.
  2. People reject us more often because of their preferences and less often because of ourselves.
  3. Don’t go the ego way.
  4. You need to see that person perfectly realistically.
  5. Rejection from some people is a blessing.
  6. There’s always something in every person that won’t suit us at the end of the day.
  7. And finally, some people reject us because they are evil.
Man and woman are sitting

Why does rejection hurt so much?

Vague rejections say nothing about our worth

(Nor specific very often.).

Vague rejections like “It’s not you, it’s me” or “I have things I need to figure out” or “I’m not sure about this relationship” mean nothing.

Unfortunately, they leave an incredible amount of room for reflection for those who are rejected. When we don’t know the reason, we usually look for it within ourselves, which is completely wrong. Because people usually reject us due to their own internal reasons and preferences.

In my practice, I’ve encountered too many people who have been rejected for reasons unknown to them, but they always, inevitably, turned inward and analyzed themselves. Hardly ever did they turn to the other person.

Woman Successfully Overcome rejection

This obviously happens, among other reasons, because if we analyze ourselves and conclude why we are responsible for our rejection, we can potentially correct it. The power is in our hands.

However, another reason is self-punishment for being rejected.

How To Behave After Rejection

This is a complex process that actually works like this:

I’ve been rejected – that means I’m not good enough – if I’m not good enough – I should punish myself The easiest way to punish myself is by tormenting myself with thoughts and emotions.

  • This one is more than an obvious indicator that you should seek out a therapist to help you find an explanation for why you have such a strong need to punish yourself, to the extent that you even use rejection from someone for that purpose.

The vague explanations given by the person who rejected us mainly serve to conceal something about themselves. Another option is that they don’t want to engage in conflict or debate with us. It’s much rarer for someone to reject us because of us. And even when that happens, if we are decent beings, it cannot be taken as relevant. Again, it’s about their preferences.

Handsome man with eyes closed

Half the problem is really in analyzing yourself, which necessarily ends with criticizing and being hard on oneself. That’s why we can say that when someone rejects us, we struggle the most with ourselves, with contempt and a bad opinion of ourselves.

Therefore, stop focusing on yourself when you’re rejected, and instead concentrate on that person and analyze them.

Why do I want someone who doesn’t want me?

Recommendation:

If someone says something vague or something you don’t feel is authentic (honesty with yourself is required), you should discard it, like… Someone splashed water on you. It was uncomfortable for a moment, but it quickly stopped because the water had dried.

People reject us for various reasons

In 99% of cases, they will keep those reasons to themselves.

People reject us for internal reasons.

For instance, the reason they may not want to be with us could be that they are still in love with their ex-partner, they are homosexual, have a strong connection with one of their parents, have commitment issues, etc. Which of these reasons do you think someone would admit to you, especially if they don’t know you?

A beautiful rejected woman thinking

People are unwilling to admit even much simpler things about themselves (I actually don’t want to be in a relationship because relationships are exhausting. I am too lazy to be in a relationship), let alone such psychologically or emotionally tricky things.

Remember, they are not proud of some of these things at all; they are not aware of some, and some even embarrass them.

However, internal reasons are a huge percentage of why people reject each other, and some of them are often either unsolvable or solvable only after good psychotherapy or psychoanalysis. *Some reasons, of course, do not require psychotherapy, but they are still deep and internal.

So, if a person doesn’t start therapy, they will not change their inner world. They won’t automatically change their opinion of you, either. And even if they do, it’s questionable whether things will change, and it takes at least a year for things to change within that person. Do you have a year to spare?

Internal reasons are deeply rooted in us and sometimes wholly unchangeable.

How to stop obsessing over rejection

People reject us because of us.

We aren’t something that a person wants. We’re less attractive than they want, educated, don’t come from their preferred background, etc.

In this case, I would ask: Do you really want to be with someone who will think less of you just because you are not what they want? Say you’re not as tall as that person wants. Would you be happy with someone who would look at you and judge you in a certain way?

How to stop getting rejected all the time?

Rejected man

If you’re a decent person who meets some standard human criteria and you’ve met a partner who doesn’t want you just because you’re not more than that, of course, you can work on some things to become what that partner wants. But the question is, should you? Is that person really worth changing yourself so much for?

Remember, it’s just one person who has set their parameters in who knows what way (it could be they remembered something from childhood, and now it’s their parameter).

When we enter relationships, there will definitely be a lot of adjustments that will take a long time and be hard. I believe you shouldn’t give yourself the additional burden of further adaptation just to get a passing grade from someone so you can move on.

Man and woman are sitting

It’s like wanting to participate in a race. But they tell you that you should first pass the basic qualifications for that race. Don’t forget—you’ll be competing with people who have already passed and who are, therefore, in a better position than you.

I really advise you to enter into relationships with people who want you just the way you are and who will give you a chance just as you are.

You really don’t need to try to become something you’re not already, just because someone imagines something in their head (more on that below).

7 reasons why people who rejected you come back

A person may have clear preferences.

Perhaps they want someone of a different race or age than you. Maybe they want someone who attended a specific college.

In this scenario, you can try to become what the person wants in some aspects (you can’t change your race, but you can try to get into Stanford, for example). However, this is a bit too much focus on the other person. It’s like you’ve subordinated your life to someone else’s needs, which originated from who knows where and how.

Can you imagine: It’s your life, and your preferences are less important than the preferences of the other person? And that person is deemed worthy enough for you to live your life according to their needs.

Black couple breaking up

I absolutely do not recommend this and consider it the ultimate self-sacrifice and submission to another person.

I can say that you will probably never be happy because you will be catering to their needs rather than your own. And you will never feel sufficient.

Not to mention that there may be criteria you cannot fulfill (such as race or the appropriate age).

  • Honestly, if I were you, I would celebrate that someone rejected me and didn’t spend my life in a way that satisfied their needs, which may be impossible to satisfy.

That’s why we have several parameters for why you’ve been rejected:

1. Either you’re an unknown person, so they don’t want to admit why they rejected you

2. Or if you’re a known person, they don’t want to spoil their existing relationship with you because they know something about themselves.

3. Or they have something within themselves that they’re ashamed of or may not even be fully aware of. But they know there’s some obstacle within them (for example, extreme attachment to a mother who disapproves of a certain type of partner. The underlying fear could be: If I start a relationship with this person, my mother won’t approve).

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Don’t go down the path of ego.

  • The ego operates like this: I am perfect. If I have chosen someone, they must be perfect. And if that perfect person has rejected me, either I am not as perfect as I thought or I genuinely am perfect, and now I must prove it to them. In either case, you’ll get stuck in this loop.

In the first scenario (Perhaps I’m not as perfect after all) (please keep in mind that here we are dealing with ego, which always has a high opinion of ourselves), this is paradoxical. Because you have declared someone perfect and they haven’t reciprocated, now you’re questioning yourself. It doesn’t make sense. The apparent recommendation here is to devalue them in your mind.

The second variant is simply a waste of time: trying to prove ourselves to someone we have declared perfect.

Think about it carefully: We – have – declared – someone – perfect. And now we’re going to prove ourselves to them. 🙂 (Sorry for the smiley, but it’s kind of funny in a way.).

Isn’t that weird in a hundred ways? Isn’t it easier to strip them of that label of perfection we’ve given them and not try to prove ourselves?

Man and woman breaking up

The third approach relates to the idea that we will become worthy only if we get that person. Here, intensive work on self-confidence and self-worth is clearly recommended.

But the essence here is that we’re going down the path of wounded ego, trying to prove ourselves to someone who told us we’re not good enough or worthy of them.

We should devalue that person in our minds rather than try to prove ourselves to someone who isn’t perfect. And you know how I know that? Because nobody is perfect.

What is the best way to gain self-confidence?

People should be seen realistically

Assertive woman

But we are often unable to see the objects of our desire realistically.

We’ve marked someone as an object of our desire because they possess specific characteristics we admire, whether it’s their physical appeal or what they offer.

Consequently, we amplify that person even more in our subconscious to sustain our interest in them. Essentially, we idealize them.

Furthermore, we idealize them because we believe we deserve something exceptional (our ego believes this), so when we find someone we like, they must be exceptional.

  • This is a causal relationship: exceptional things belong to me – because I like you, you’re exceptional.

This is why we consider such individuals’ opinions (rejections) valuable (because they are exceptional). Ironically, of course, we made them exceptional.

A beautiful woman

To better cope with someone’s rejection, we must first “deconstruct” that person within ourselves.

We need to strip away their exceptionalism and begin to see them realistically, as they indeed are.

Once you see them for real, you’ll see how, in benign cases, they are simple, immature, selfish, stupid, uninteresting, empty, scared, without self-confidence, uninspiring, and, in other instances, simply evil and malicious. You will see that they have such flaws that you probably don’t even want to be with them anymore.

Here, it practically boils down to admitting to yourself, in order to better cope with someone’s rejection, that you’ve made a mistake and misjudged that person. The person you desired so much is actually nothing special.

This means you have to have a conversation with your ego and tell it, “You were wrong this time. You misjudged. And you wasted your time on someone unworthy.”

How To Maintain Good Relationship

How to see people in front of us realistically.

Handsome man

Only when we become sincerely indifferent to others’ opinions will we be able to see people in front of us realistically.

This implies that one should build powerful self-confidence and belief in oneself. We should convince ourselves that we are not wrong and that our opinion is correct. We should also prevent other people from changing our minds.

This is obviously difficult, especially as it involves building self-confidence. Self-assured individuals rarely find themselves reading such texts. They usually know that when someone rejects them, it doesn’t necessarily reflect their worth. But confidence is the path to stopping depending on that person’s opinion, which allows us to see them more objectively.

Woman in toxic relationship

For example, if someone claims we are not worthy enough, we may get stuck trying to rectify their opinion. We might try to make ourselves worthy and deserving in their eyes. And because of that, it’s easy for our energy and focus to be on the wrong thing—on ourselves. We become so preoccupied with that person’s opinion that we are no longer able to see the truth about them.

The Best Way To Make Someone Regret Leaving You

  • This is like the thing with Sisyphus. We push the rock, but we no longer see Who assigned us to push that rock and Who is never satisfied with us. Because, let’s face it – that’s our God.

The essence is that we must become indifferent to that person’s opinions to see them correctly. We must shift our focus to remove that person from the position of God in our heads.

Apart from needing to stop caring about that person’s opinion, we also need to stop caring about others’ opinions (for example, that this person is perfect for us or that they are special). Imagine being strongly influenced by your mother or some authoritative figure who convinces you that you have the ideal person in front of you whom you must not lose.

That can blind you from seeing the truth about that person.

The recommendation is to shift the focus from believing in that person to objectively seeing who that person is.

Couple in love

Why We Are In Love With Someone – Psychological Explanation

Rejection from some people is a blessing.

You indeed approach people for your simple reasons: because you want a relationship, you want to get married, you’re lonely, you want sex, whatever it is.

Whatever the underlying reasons are, they often blind you. You only see the goal, not the reward, at the end of the goal. It’s like running—maybe even a marathon—and the reward at the end is a glass of dirty water. Your focus is on finishing the race rather than on what you’ll get in the end. It’s the wrong approach.

A beautiful woman sitting

Many people won’t give you what you want. However, your intense focus on getting their acceptance prevents you from seeing this.

You’re intensely preoccupied with winning them over, completely ignoring your goals, or believing you’ll convince them to change their minds later.

You know, you should see it as a blessing when people reject you because they don’t share your interests. A gift from God. Practically, they’ve freed up space for you to find someone who wants the same things as you. The problem is obviously your preoccupation with that person, which prevents you from seeing reality when, in fact, you are actually liberated.

What I would definitely recommend here is to look at what you will get at the end of the race for that person. Maybe you will be disappointed.

2 Psychological Reasons Behind Obsession After Rejection

They have something… ugly about them

There’s always something in every person that won’t suit us at the end of the day.

It’s really important to look at the things in that person that don’t suit us, and there are many of those things. This is much more therapeutic than just focusing on what you like about that person and what you want in your life.

A beautiful proud woman

Let’s say the person is rich. And you want to enjoy their wealth. But what if they’re boring? Or you don’t find them physically attractive?

I’m not urging you to become a snob, but this is a good way to preserve yourself when someone rejects you.

Of course, you fantasize about living in the benefits that person brings (perhaps in their wealth). But don’t forget: as long as you live in something you like, you’ll live in something you don’t like for as long. For example, you will be rich but with a boring person. Or his mom will dictate where you will travel. Or she will constantly compare you to her dad. Think about this.

Therefore, if you want to recover from someone’s rejection, rather look at the negative things that person would bring into your life.

Only looking at the good things can keep us in the wrong place for years. Looking at the bad stuff can enlighten and free us.

And believe me, if you were to sit down now and start thinking about what you don’t like about someone, you would find hundreds of them. Be smart and kind to yourself, and help yourself in this way.

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What Is The Best Way to handle Rejection

Some of them are just plain mean, envious or jealous .

Some people will reject us to stop us and prevent us from moving forward.

And they will also do it, often very rudely and insidiously, accusing us of being wrong and blaming it on us.

Rejecting you is sometimes a way for people to clip your wings when they see something good in you.

You cannot know what lies within people and how they perceive you. They may see you as better and more worthy than themselves, and they may not want you in their presence.

In my practice, I’ve encountered many people whom others (and even their partners) sabotaged to make them feel less worthy. Jada and Will Smit are perhaps a good example of this (just my opinion). And sometimes this ended with their partners finally rejecting them.

This is obviously a particular shock for us because it requires us to admit to ourselves that we have misjudged the person, thinking they were great when they were actually malicious.

Handsome man standing

For example, if they don’t want you in a particular group, maybe it’s because you’re more likable, prettier, or more charming, so they fear all the attention will go to you.

Rejecting other people is the most typical human sabotage tactic. That is why people are thrown out of societies, circles, etc.

But understand that your rejection is a good and common way to sabotage you, and people have successfully applied it through the centuries. It puts doubt in you about yourself. Don’t be naive enough to succumb to this.

In any case, pay attention to whether someone rejected you just to be worse than him or her.

Good luck. Dee.

Also a good text to read: How to deal with rejection and successfully overcome it

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