Psychological insights on relationships: rejections, breakups, making relationships happy, unhealthy dynamics, and general psychology.

How To Maintain A Good Relationship

6 rules on how to maintain a good relationship and how to apply them.

  1. The decision that the person you’re with is your partner for long run or life.
  2. Appreciate everything a partner brings into your life.
  3. Reciprocity for positive things.
  4. Find something to admire, or at least respect, about that person.
  5. Make the decision to help our partner be happy and fulfill their potential.
  6. Express and fulfill wishes. In reciprocity.
Man and woman in relationship

Why We Are In Love With Someone – Psychological Explanation

Rule number one for a good relationship is:

The decision that the person you’re with is your partner for life.

You’ve heard of “for better or for worse,” which means I’ll stand by you no matter what happens, and you’ll stand by me no matter what happens.

This rule is essential because it signifies continuous efforts to sustain that relationship (since we’ve marked it as long-lasting) and dedication to that person.

Man and woman in love

If we keep an exit strategy up our sleeve and have the hidden option to leave the relationship when it gets boring, we won’t put maximum effort into it. This means we won’t fix things, solve problems, or concentrate on improving the relationship.

Realistically, why would we bother with someone and overlook their flaws, big or small? Why deal with anyone if we always have the incomparably easier option, which is to leave what’s troublesome or inconvenient for us now?

  • If we decide this is a lifelong partner, arguments will look like this: Since we’re staying together, let’s agree on how we’ll fix this. What will I do to make this work between us, and what will you do?

If we accept this as a rule for the relationship, it will depend on both of us whether we’ll have a good life. So it’s forever, and we’ll be motivated to improve our lives because it doesn’t make sense for our lives to be permanently bad.

One could say that if we decide to stay with someone forever, then we’ll have a good marriage or relationship for entirely selfish reasons—to make ourselves better off.

The second rule would be:

Appreciate everything partner brings into your life

Couple in long distance relationship

This rule implies that everything brought into a marriage or relationship counts. And when I say everything, I mean everything. From the money someone brings in to the household chores someone does to the emotional states someone brings into the relationship, believe it or not,. Because in relationships, everything, every personality trait, really counts—someone’s energy, emotion, and what they emit—and even though it’s not visible, it has a huge impact on our coexistence.

Realistically, let’s not lie; if you have someone by your side who provides you, for example, with peace to study, work, or raise children, that is important. People who don’t have that in their marriages and relationships would confirm this right away and say something like, I’d give anything for my wife to be in a better mood or for my husband to be less nervous.

Everything someone brings into a marriage or relationship is counted on our individual price list, and everything enters the exchange concept. His money and her cooking lunch… I say this only in traditional role distributions, but it could be completely reversed. His support and her attempt to cheer you up when you feel down count. His resourcefulness and kindness count.

Everything, absolutely everything, must be put into the life equation and evaluated.

Man and woman in relationship

But in a positive way. So that the effort of that person would be noticed, so that he would be rewarded, so that he would be thanked, and so that he would continue to do it.

That’s why I declare this the second rule for a well-functioning marriage and relationship: consider everything a person brings into your life. And be generous and creative in your calculations.

  • Yesterday, he left me alone when I was tired, so make the person count everything you bring into their life.

And you’ll see when everything starts to count how suddenly everything starts to be appreciated, and everyone becomes happier just because their efforts are more valued.

The third rule is:

Reciprocity for positive things

Happy couple

Don’t be selfish, but if someone has given you something that means a lot to you, give them something that means a lot to them.

In a good exchange, it’s important that things are valued in the sense that everyone should get what they want. And it’s not about the value of the thing received, but about personal value. If someone wants chocolate and someone else wants sex, how can we say what’s more valuable?

The essence is that people should:

  • Count everything they get from the other person
  • Exchange constantly
  • Give each other what they want
  • Do not ask too many questions about your partner’s wishes and needs (of course, if they do not endanger you). Because it might be just as burdensome for someone to get chocolate for you as it is for you to give them sex or peace.

The fourth rule is to:

Find something to admire or at least respect, about that person.

Man and woman are smiling

And as in the previous rule, it can be anything.

Respecting someone for being intelligent, hardworking, patient, capable, diligent, beautiful, attractive, a good mother, a good father… But adding the epithet of respect to everything. Because respect ensures our need for that person and, very often, passion, it also involves seeing the person through different eyes and wanting to repay them.

Respect encourages many positive things in our marriages and relationships. That respect comes from observation, careful and intensive thinking about our partner, and analyzing what they do for us and our relationship as well as what they do as a person.

The longer you maintain respect for your partner, the more you will want to stay in a relationship with that respectable person.

The second and even better level is admiration, which can also be developed.

Man and woman are smiling

Of course, it’s easier if a person does something worthy of admiration or if they do something you like.
In the first case, even if you don’t understand what the person is doing, you know it’s worthy and important to admire what they do and the character traits that led to it.
In the second case, if a person does something that impresses you, make an effort to maintain that admiration within yourself and express it.

I don’t need to emphasize that admiration fosters passion between partners.
I suggest constantly seeking and finding things in your partner that are worthy of respect and admiration.

This will not only make you want to stay with that person but also shorten the time you might spend criticizing and underestimating them.

My fifth suggestion for maintaining a good relationship or marriage is to:

Make the decision to help our partner be happy and fulfill their potential.

Man and woman are sitting

These are two different things, but they can go hand in hand. We should help our partners be happy, which means not nagging them about things that aren’t so important to us but that they enjoy doing.

Of course, first and foremost, clear boundaries should be drawn for both them and us as to what is important and unacceptable, and once that’s done, the focus should shift to the partner’s happiness and progress.

Not because they are more important than us, but because, as they say, a happy wife leads to a happy life, and that works the other way around.

Man and woman in relationship

If your partner wants to go fishing and it doesn’t jeopardize anything for you, why wouldn’t you provide that for them? The principle should be: you go fishing today and be happy, and Saturday is time for my happiness, so provide it by, for example, watching Netflix together, okay? Or you will allow me and encourage me to do what makes me happy.

In any case, the ultimate goal should be the happiness and satisfaction of your partner and, of course, explaining this concept and insisting on reciprocity.

As I said, the precondition is that both partners draw clear lines on what is not allowed and explain why, and after that, they should strive for each other’s happiness as well as their own.

This obviously leads to progress, i.e., helping the partner realize their full potential. Fulfilling one’s potential leads to happiness.

Man and woman are laughing

In general, if your partner has a good idea or is in some expansion, encourage them to progress. Similarly, expect the same in return; if you’re in a phase where you’re progressing, expect your partner to enable and help you progress even faster.

This way, the farthest and most is gained from life because if both of you have done well with rule number one, choosing that person for yourself forever, it means you will also benefit from your partner’s progress. That’s why you should fight for that and not sabotage it out of immaturity, jealousy, or for whatever reason.

Always push your partner into things that are good for them and make them happy, because in that way, you’ll have a happy, satisfied person by your side, and then, of course, it will spill over onto you and your life.

The sixth rule is:

Expressing and fulfilling desires

It would go like this:

  • Someone expresses their desire.
  • We consider it.
  • If it aligns with our moral and ethical codes, for example, by 80%, we fulfill it.
  • After that, we express our desires to the partner, and they fulfill them.
Happy couple in love

In this rule, it is obvious that it is essential to be self-aware to understand ourselves well, why we don’t want to do something for our partner, and why we may not want to fulfill some of their desires. Because it’s very different whether it’s about morality and ethics or it’s about spitefulness and stubbornness, vindictiveness, or shyness, whatever. We should consider ourselves, understand why we want or don’t want something, why something is acceptable or not, and then do for our partner as much as we can.

It is also necessary not to consider their desires in a negative way and outside of those required frameworks, but to approach them openly and with a desire to enrich our partner’s life.

Of course, reciprocity is expected and should be insisted upon. However, if your partner has some desires, whether simple desires or even fetishes, and you are able to fulfill them, why wouldn’t you give them to them?

Man and woman in love

If you fulfill your partner’s desires and they are also actively engaged in fulfilling yours, no one wants to leave a relationship because they have everything in it. Still, rule number one is fundamental. Rule number five serves to make the relationship in which you stay as satisfying as possible for both sides.

Also, don’t rely on mind-reading, knowing your needs, and anticipating what you want. No one is able, even when they try.

State your desires clearly, encourage your partner to state theirs, fulfill them for each other, and enjoy a good relationship.

But, as you hear, these five rules can provide you with beautiful and functional relationships and the greatest progress in life. With two energies invested in the same thing, you go the farthest. Which would mean that I would always suggest investing all your energy into your relationship rather than dissipating it in search of something better.

Love you. Dee

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