The inferiority complex controls a person by consuming their energy, removing people who appreciate them from their lives, and keeping those who benefit from this state.
Therefore, to overcome feeling of inferiority, one must work diligently and strategically, as it will not disappear on its own.
- The inferiority complex includes a lack of self-confidence, self-respect, faith in oneself, and self-love.
- This text about overcoming inferiority complex applies to all relationships: partnership, family, friendship, business.
Where Does the Inferiority Complex Come From?
Since we are born small, weak, and helpless, i.e., in a subordinate position compared to others, it’s natural to feel inferior to everyone else. Thus, we can say that the inferiority complex starts at birth.
However, with proper upbringing and growth, this complex can be corrected… but it doesn’t permanently get corrected.
Some of us are unfortunate enough to grow up:
- Under constant criticism (such as being compared to siblings),
- With poor social status, or
- With some kind of deficiency (physical or psychological), according to Alfred Adler.
When the initial feeling of inferiority aligns with these new circumstances, the inferiority complex develops.
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How Inferiority Complex Operates
As an integral part of us, the inferiority complex always precedes everything. Whatever happens, we think that others do it better than us, that we are inadequate, that others are better in every way, that someone notices how worthless we are, that we’re being ignored, unloved, etc.
- Just from these thoughts, you can see how absurd the inferiority complex is. Yet it controls us.
Because of this, even people who love us find it difficult to reach us.
📌 There’s a slight chance that if someone we consider an authority figure acknowledges our worth, we may feel valuable (though there’s a danger we’ll start to cater to that person, constantly doing what pleases them). However, it’s more likely that we won’t believe them and will suspect they’re mocking or trying to gain something from us.
Since we fundamentally don’t believe that we are adequate at anything:
- All energy is invested in improving our self-image, reflecting on our actions, thinking about how others see us, etc.
Because of this, there’s no energy left for anything else.
- Choosing people who benefit from your complex
Because they seem truthful, they think of you in a way that aligns with how you see yourself.
- Rejecting people who accept you and have a reasonable opinion of you
Because they seem fake, they don’t match your self-perception.
As a result, we have no energy for anything other than thinking and trying to improve our state. We are surrounded by people who deepen this complex and don’t trust those who can truly help us.
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What Kind of People Do Those With an Inferiority Complex Choose?
These individuals, of course, connect with others in a certain way.
People with an inferiority complex connect with those who benefit from it.
People with an inferiority complex trust those who treat them poorly because their treatment aligns with what they (subconsciously) believe about themselves.
They don’t trust people who treat them as adequate. They may enjoy that treatment for a while, but the inferiority complex will emerge sooner or later, and they will push these people away. The feeling of inferiority is more real than external truths.
📌 Someone else’s inferiority complex benefits almost everyone because it gives them a chance to feel better in comparison to that person.
- But some people (many people) don’t just want to feel better than someone else. They want a person next to them with whom they can grow, improve themselves, and who they are proud of… so they don’t just want to use someone for their own benefit, they want to grow together.
- People who seek equal partners will find those with inferiority complexes strange, feel burdened that they can’t help them, and want to keep their distance from them.
Any way, back to the story:
In this way, people with an inferiority complex can only connect with those who feel superior to them. This applies to all relationships, including romantic ones, friendships, and work.
For this reason, people with an inferiority complex inevitably have partners who make them feel even more inferior.
So, if you feel inferior, perhaps your partner is also the problem.
We could say that your partner (you’ll recognize if this is true—every dynamic is individual) might feel good simply because you exist, as they can quickly subdue and control you, feel better than you, superior, etc.
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Therefore, the Steps to Healing an Inferiority Complex Are:
1. Recognize whether your partner (friend, colleague, relative, etc.) participates in this dynamic.
I suspect they do. But check.
- If they agree to change, it means they’re good for you and tired of your poor state.
- If they likely want to keep this dynamic the same if they contribute to your poor state. After all, they feel like kings beside you. But you can still try.
2. Stop fixing yourself the way your partner (friend, colleague, relative, etc.) wants you to
Their demands can be endless and unreasonable. But mostly because it drains all your energy, preventing you from doing things that will genuinely help you.
Instead, direct that energy towards becoming great at things that will make you proud of yourself (achieving something, learning, developing something, etc.).
3. Reflect on what you bring to your relationships and how valuable it is
Place value on everything you bring. Reflect literally on everything. What do you bring emotionally, mentally, and materially? What kind of atmosphere do you create? How helpful are you? Think of everything, and give it value.
And if you realize that you don’t bring something your partner does, that’s normal. They may value their contributions, but you need to value yours. Just don’t overestimate theirs and underestimate yours.
This, of course, applies to all your relationships in life. How much do you bring?
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4. Revaluate all self-criticisms
Where do those thoughts and the narrative in your head come from? Are they automatic and without thought? Is it some old narrative spinning in your head?
Try to stop the self-criticism with some positive affirmations.
- The story of one client who dated an older man who financially supported her, but she felt she didn’t deserve it. Over time, she realized that he had gained enjoyment from her presence, something she hadn’t considered valuable. They are still together, and she no longer resists what she receives from him (please, no judgment of the situation).
5. Reflect on other people.
As I mentioned, people with feelings of inferiority connect with others in an inferior way and don’t consider the possibility that other people aren’t as superior as they seem. They do this spontaneously and without thinking. That’s why it’s necessary to analyze other people and their behavior.
You will likely discover that they are pretty ordinary and not superior to you in any way. And even if they are exceptional in something, it’s probably because they’ve practiced and become excellent at it.
- People in good emotional states value what they bring to the table, no matter how small. That’s why they appear superior to those with an inferiority complex because it’s a million times more than anything those with low self-esteem appreciate about themselves.
6. Focus on the things you believe you’re good at and draw strength from them
Be proud of the things you’re good at, whether you were born with or developed them.
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7. Look for evidence to support your beliefs
Both negative and positive ones.
For negative beliefs, please be kind to yourself because you tend to criticize yourself easily. The idea here is to find and realize that your negative beliefs about yourself are wrong, exaggerated, and often completely fabricated.
Be generous with yourself for positive beliefs and recall all the positive things you can. Take moments to reflect on them and enjoy them.
8. Work on the things you don’t like about yourself.
Because they sabotage you, you can’t feel adequate if something you dislike about yourself is constantly looming over you. Fix it.
If you need to educate yourself – do it. If you’re not financially stable – work towards that. If you need to lose weight – you know what to do. If you have a body part, trait, characteristic, or appearance you don’t like, work on it.
Remember that locked-up energy of yours, and instead of contemplating how bad you are, use it to improve at something.
9. Have achievements
They are excellent (best) for destroying feelings of inferiority. But here we have a few guidelines:
- When you have achievements, notice them. Don’t just reach goals and ignore your efforts and successes.
- Start with small achievements because it’s easier. Begin today with something small.
- Over time, move on to medium and then more significant achievements.
- The bigger the achievements, the prouder you’ll be of yourself.
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10. Build your own identity outside of the relationship
Strengthen yourself. Build friendships, become good at something, find hobbies, excel at your job, and start belonging to a group.
This will help you become stronger. Identity empowers us, which is why people seek it in many things. It’s like a staff to lean on, and it can be anything. And once you become more substantial, you’ll also become stronger in your relationship.
11. Don’t just stop at affirmations, motivational speeches, or reading self-help books
Take concrete actions (the ones I’ve mentioned above).
12. If possible, involve your friends to help you become more aware of your qualities.
Talk to them about how and why they see you that way.
Some Tips About a Partner
1. Become perfect – if your partner is perfect
You notice the irony, of course.
You may be chasing perfection without critically analyzing who you want to be the perfect partner for since your partner isn’t ideal with you (because if they were even close to it, they would have already helped you start healing your inferiority complex, and as we can see, they may even be fueling it).
So, since your partner isn’t perfect, you don’t have to be either. Moreover, the energy spent trying to become perfect leaves no energy for actions that will help improve your state.
2. Forbid your partner on certain behaviors
Specifically, any behaviors that belittle or insult you. Be firm and read this text: How To Set Boundaries In a Relationship – 12 Steps.
If your partner refuses to change their behavior, leave them until they reconsider.
They will accept your boundaries if they want you, and you are more important to them than their behavior.
For this, you need to be persistent and not give up until you get good results; there’s a high chance you will.
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3. Question everything your partner says
Literally everything. Take time to question each of your partner’s statements and doubt whether they are true. Of course, some will be true, but some won’t.
Those that aren’t true should be firmly established in your mind as false. For example, if they claim you’re incompetent, you might take that for granted. But then, think about whether there are areas where you are indeed capable and, if there’s evidence for that, undermine your partner’s claims.
Over time, if many of their statements prove false, you’ll also start to undermine your partner.
4. Question your partner’s behavior toward you
Which could also be damaging to your self-esteem and confidence.
If your partner does things that make you feel inferior, try insisting on changes for a while. If it doesn’t work, go back to point 2.
This applies to all relationships you’re in: friendships, partnerships, professional relationships.
Please don’t wait for the inferiority complex to disappear on its own. Take the work of healing it seriously. Remember that a long process lies ahead of you, and the more seriously you work on it, the sooner you’ll see results.
I hope you found this text useful. Dee
