Psychological insights on relationships: rejections, breakups, making relationships happy, unhealthy dynamics, and general psychology.

Is My Relationship Worth Fighting For?

Determining when to leave a relationship and when it deserves to be maintained is challenging. Based on my professional experience, I hope to shed some light on topic: Is your relationship worth fighting for.

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Why stay with someone and fight for the relationship:

1. It isn’t easy to find a suitable or good partner.

If you look back, you’ll realize that there are few people with whom you could sustain a relationship for more than three months. Additionally, if you look around, you’ll find that there are few people with whom you would even want to enter a relationship and maintain it in the long run.

2. Our lives intersect with relatively few individuals with whom we can coexist.

There’s a much higher percentage of people with whom we cannot. However, this doesn’t mean we should consider them special or unique. Just because they are few doesn’t mean there aren’t at least a dozen whom we’ll meet in our lifetime.

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3. Encountering people with whom we can function is a process that requires effort.

A beautiful woman thinking about relationship

We invest time in this process. Aside from time, we also invest energy in establishing stability with these individuals. This energy is expended on the search itself (swiping on Tinder, going on dates, etc.), as well as organizing meetings, planning, preparing for encounters, initial conversations, daydreaming, etc.

This same energy can be invested in the people around us with whom we’ve already gone through this initial phase. It’s like starting from -10 with someone new just to see if you’ll be together, whereas with someone with whom you already are, you start from 0 (you’ve overcome the decision-making process of being together).

Therefore, it’s not a bad idea to invest your energy and time in that person rather than starting over.

In essence, if you manage to maintain a relationship for three months, it would be a shame not to try to save that relationship. It means that the person is suitable enough for you to pass through that initial phase.

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4. You have a reasonable or good person in front of you.

Black couple thinking about relationship is it wort fighting for

This is indeed a criterion for staying with someone. In this text, I’ve listed qualities a good partner should possess, so you can read more about that.

Good people are individuals who initially choose to be good. For example, all people have the potential for malice. People have aggression within them (Freud’s concept), which needs to be released. If a person is good, it can mean two things:

  1. Either they are neurotic, and neurotic people are often cooperative and less conflicting, or
  2. They have chosen and decided to be a good person.

If you have a good person in front of you, it’s worth fighting and trying to overcome the relationship’s challenges.

How to determine whether to fight for your relationship or give up on it:

1. Lack of compatibility

A relationship will hardly survive if the partners are incompatible. You can often find articles online about compatibility and its importance, so let me describe what that means.

Relationship

Relationships themselves are very complex to establish. Two people with different opinions, ideas, understandings, desires, and characteristics come together in a relationship and try to function together. This isn’t easy to do because it requires a lot of negotiation and compromise. Imagine if one person wants to spend Christmas with their family and the other wants to go skiing.

The essence is that we are already very different from our partners, so if we’re not compatible with them, it further complicates matters.

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Compatibility would mean sharing some basic values. For example, our convictions and worldviews on these “big things” are the same. Perhaps political and religious beliefs, do you both want kids, how should we raise them, how should family arrangements look, where do we want to live (in the countryside or the city), extraversion, and introversion?

It would be good if we were at least similar to our partner based on these fundamental ideas, because if we’re not, it makes it even more difficult, especially since these things are our big convictions, not just our current desires. Big convictions are hard to change. So if you’ll have to work to change them (in yourself or your partner), it will be very difficult and probably impossible. Because Who is more right?

Man and woman are walking

Therefore, if compatibility doesn’t exist and you can’t achieve it, maybe you should consider ending the relationship because it’s tormenting for both of you.

Of course, before ending the relationship, try to adopt this attitude: I want to keep this person in my life so much that I’ll give up my views and accept theirs. It’s better for me to relinquish my views than to lose this person (this is how people who practice one religion convert to another or atheists become believers, for example).

If that doesn’t work, consider breaking up.

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What to do in that case:

Communicate exactly what changes you want.

Communicate your requirements clearly, repeat them, and give the person three months to implement them.

Clear communication is crucial in this case. Many people either don’t communicate well or think they do. For instance, a classic example of poor communication is: “I want you to respect me.” This statement means nothing to someone who either doesn’t know what respect should look like or doesn’t know what kind of respect you expect.

However, saying, “I want you to listen to me when I talk,” is a statement that means something.

So, before parting ways with someone, clearly communicating what you want is necessary. Your sentences should be as simple as possible and clearly describe your needs.

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Man and woman in relationship

Then, it would help if you repeated this to convince the person and ensure they understood what we meant.

If, even after clear communication of what you want, the person doesn’t accept it and doesn’t make an effort to give it to you, it may be time to leave the relationship.

Give it three months for things to move forward

But wait to leave the relationship before giving yourself and that person three months to understand, adopt, and implement what you want from them.

Nobody learns quickly. Especially since we have our ingrained habits, the person opposite you must, to please you, change their habits and master new skills. That’s difficult for everyone (try it… you’ll see). That’s why time should be given to it.

If, even after three months, things don’t change or you don’t notice the person trying to implement them, maybe it’s time to consider leaving the relationship.

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Man and woman are sitting

2. You feel the other party has become cold

There’s a precise process you should follow to get that person back:

  • Identify why they’ve become cold.
  • Give them what they want.
  • If they don’t react positively to this, go against it and withdraw the things you used to provide them with. Let’s say you stay in a relationship but you remove your services.
  • The goal is for them to see what their life looks like without your involvement in it. This is colloquially called withdrawing libido.
  • If even that doesn’t work, it’s time to leave the relationship so the person can truly feel life without you.
  • After these three attempts (giving them what they want, withdrawing your services, and withdrawing yourself), if the person changes their mind and wants you back, it needs to be done very specifically.

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3. You have no positive feelings for your partner

If you’ve reached this stage, staying in the relationship is torment for both you and your partner. It’s hard to convince ourselves to begin to respect, love, or support another person, let alone another person.

4. The relationship is toxic

Man and woman are fighting

If you find yourself in a classic toxic relationship involving gaslighting, manipulation, aggression, abuse, etc., you shouldn’t fight for that relationship. These things probably mean you’re dealing with a narcissistic person, sadist, or psychopath.

These profiles are unchangeable because they involve a personality disorder.

Of course, before you characterize someone as having such a profile, make sure you’re not mistaken. In my career, I’ve had many conversations with people who misinterpreted things. Some people interpreted others’ non-advocacy for them as aggression, others’ advocacy as manipulation or an attempt at dominance, and so on.

That’s why I recommend consulting a professional before characterizing someone as toxic.

But if you find yourself in a relationship with someone with such a profile (a narcissist, for example), keep in mind two things:

  1. Such people are unchangeable. Precisely because they are narcissistic, they believe they are always right and that other people are wrong and responsible for what happens to them.

With psychopaths, it’s different in that they enjoy causing pain to others, while sadists satisfy their inner need for sadism.

  1. You found yourself in that relationship because of your inner needs for that person, and that’s probably why you’re reading this article. People who need a relationship or a partner who abuses them want to leave but also have a need to stay in that relationship. Therefore, they often read articles like this because they’re struggling with these two forces.
Man and woman in toxic relationship

If you still feel that you’re in a toxic relationship, I recommend fighting to leave it. I say this because it’s actually harder to leave such a relationship than to enter it. Such people find it very difficult to let someone out of their lives. They tend to keep partners who have already agreed to be in a relationship with them and allow themselves to be exploited.

5. How long do most relationships last before breaking up?

Of course, there are no rules for such a thing. You can end your relationship the next day.

But if you want a romantic relationship and to establish a relationship with someone, or if you want a family, for example, then I recommend staying in the relationship for at least four months before parting ways.

Let me be clear: You should stick with a partner who is compatible with you and wants the same things as you. Such a person should be given a chance. Staying in a relationship with someone who isn’t compatible with you is just a waste of time to get what you want.

  • The first two months are the initial phase, which is heavily influenced by hormones and our inner world.
  • The following two months would be a calmer phase, in which we could more objectively observe the person.
  • Personally, I would add another two months to develop a habit, which is often the main glue for relationships. Four or six months is optimal and enough to find out if things can work between you.

Habits and peace we find with someone are often more than a good parameter for a long-term relationship.

Of course, none of this should be followed if you have a person in front of you who is entirely unsuitable for you or abuses you, but let’s say this is a general guideline.

Good luck. Dee

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