Psychological insights on relationships: rejections, breakups, making relationships happy, unhealthy dynamics, and general psychology.

Solution When the Partner Fell Out of Love With You?

We took into account the different reasons why a partner fell out of love and the solutions to getting them back.

Three people walking

This is not the last post on a partner falling for someone else, and I highly recommend reading all the other posts on this subject. Only then will you get the whole picture.

Partner Falls In Love With Someone Else – What To Do

Why did the partner fall in love with someone else. There can be three things:

1. You haven’t given them something they want.

It might not be your fault. Perhaps you didn’t know what they wanted. No matter how well we know someone, there is no guarantee we’ll know their entire inner world. People’s desires come from their inner psychological-emotional world and can be abstract, opposite to the external world, well-hidden, contradictory to what they claim to want, etc.

Desires can also be unfathomable, even to that person. People can be perpetually dissatisfied with what they have without understanding what they want.

  • I once had a client who constantly claimed she wanted to travel, only to realize that she needed a break from responsibilities towards her children (and husband too😉).

Practically, without good psychoanalysis, the chances of people fully understanding their desires are slim, but they can certainly manifest in someone else.

  • For example, if someone, for reasons from long ago, likes strict people (their grandfather was strict), they might suddenly fall for someone with a stern look, completely unconscious of their childhood yearnings.
Man and woman break up because partner fell out of love

This is especially noticeable in the treatments we receive from people and the ones we provide. People fall in love with what they expect for themselves in their inner, emotional-psychological world. When they receive that corresponding treatment from someone, they recognize it as love.

Therefore, do not blame yourself for not recognizing your partner’s desires. Perhaps they didn’t recognize them either.

But let’s discuss, from various perspectives, why you haven’t given your partner something they want.

Why Does It Sting the Most When Our Partner Chooses Someone New Over Us?

2. Did you know what your partner wanted?

You Didn’t Know:

Either your partner didn’t communicate it clearly, or you weren’t focused on what they were communicating.

In neither case should you blame yourself (especially if it wasn’t intentional).

This raises the question of why your partner didn’t express their desires clearly.

The obvious solution to this situation is for the partner to learn to recognize their desires and communicate them more clearly. This is a new skill they need to acquire. It’s also essential for them to be in tune with their desires.

And you… your task is to learn to listen and be more attentive to people. This is also a valuable life skill.

If you didn’t give your partner what he wanted because you weren’t focused on his needs, didn’t think they were that important, etc., in that case:

You Knew What Your Partner Wanted:

Couple sitting

Did you not want to give it to them, or did you not consider it essential? Or did they not insist on it? Or maybe you didn’t mean it on purpose?

This opens up the space for the question: why didn’t you want to fulfill their desires?

Of course, there are many possibilities between these two questions, but we can’t address each one.

Let’s (very briefly) answer a few of them:

  • You don’t love your partner enough to fulfill their desires, your thoughts and actions will support this. In that case, it might be worth considering: why are you staying in a relationship with someone who isn’t essential to you?
  • You usually don’t think about your partner’s needs (you have too many obligations, you don’t have such a connection, etc.)
    Your entire relationship needs a reinvention. People stay in relationships because they get something practical out of them, of course. Finances, businesses, children, etc. But people emotionally stay in relationships because their emotional-psychological needs are met.
  • You are angry, vindictive, you do not respect your partner. Don’t be with them. Such a relationship is agony for both. Or, of course, improve that feeling towards your partner through consultations or psychotherapy.
  • You feel that you owe nothing to your partner. This is also worth reconsidering and putting things into perspective. Because it is also possible that you are spoiled or entitled (if so, for the sake of yourself and your relationship, change yourself). Maybe you have such a relationship that no one does anything for each other; (if so, it’s not a partnership. In a good partnership, we should do more for our partner than for anyone else). People stay in relationships because someone in them meets their needs.
  • You are unable to give them what they want; it’s a good question whether this is due to objective or subjective reasons (for instance, being too tired or too proud).

Why Don’t You Give Your Partner What They Want?

3. Why Didn’t You Fulfill Your Partner’s Desires?

You Didn’t Fulfill Your Partner’s Desires for Subjective Reasons.

Man

You need to review those reasons. Where do they come from? What is their background? Can you change them?

You cannot expect another person to conform to your principles and reasons if they are subjective and changeable.

As strong as your principles may be, your partner’s desires can be equally strong. So, in short, either you will let go of your principles (change them) or let go of your partner (replace them with someone who aligns more with your principles).

  • I once had a client who did not want to satisfy her partner orally, while this was his most significant and most desired form of sexual satisfaction. He tried to leave her because of it (please do not judge him hastily. He interpreted her behavior as selfish and rigid, but the situation is more complex than just “how could he ask that of her?!”). I spent hours talking to her about her taboos and beliefs. And to be clear, I did not persuade her to provide him with oral satisfaction. The offer was always the same: either you keep your partner by giving him what he wants, or you believe your principles are too strong to break—so it’s okay to let your partner go and find someone with different principles. The essence of this story is that we did not have the option to go down the path of persuading our partner to stop wanting what he wanted.
  • This is sometimes feasible (I’ll discuss that below), but it is not in the majority of cases. People want what they want and do not give up on their desires.

You Didn’t Fulfill Your Partner’s Desires for Objective Reasons.

Rejected woman

For example, she wants a much younger partner. He wants children, but you cannot have them. Or they want a partner from another race.

This is where both sides need to ask themselves: is it good for us to stay together? Adjusting one’s desires is often not possible, so they may continue to smolder within your partner, making you insecure and anxious. (Will he someday replace me with an Asian woman? – I’m joking, but you understand).

In such a relationship, neither you nor your partner have to be comfortable. The partner hasn’t gotten what he wants, and you are with a partner who wants something you do not offer.

The only positive solution in this case might be that your partner loves you so much that they will give up their desires for you. In that case, try to be extra good to them because they were willing to go against themselves for your benefit.

Repair:

  1. Your partner should clearly state what they want.
  2. You should listen to them.
  3. Discuss their desires if they are something you don’t like.
  4. Give your partner everything that is easy for you to give.
  5. Give your partner things that are not easy for you to give, but ask for something in return.
  6. Fulfill some other wishes of your partner. People have many desires. Many small, fulfilled wishes can beat one big one.
  7. If your partner has desires you cannot fulfill and there is no option for them to give up on them, it may be time to part ways.

Partner Has Fallen in Love With Someone Else – Whether to Stay or Leave

2. They Want More Than What You’ve Given Them

Here, we start from the assumption that you were an exceptional partner, but your partner wants more than that. Given that you were excellent, it means we need to focus on… both you and them, as always 😊.

1. Reflecting on Yourself

A beautiful woman thinking How To Make a Man Fall In Love With Her

Reflecting on yourself means asking the tricky question: why do you want to stay with someone who doesn’t recognize you as an exceptional partner? This implies that you have an ungrateful, selfish, and insatiable person in front of you. Why do you want to stay with someone like that? What is it about you that makes you accept such people?

Have you been together for a long time? No matter how long you’ve been with someone, it’s necessary to occasionally reassess who that person is.

Maybe they give you something you really need? It seems that time is coming to an end. Your partner has probably already chosen someone else and wants to give things to them, not you. In any case, if you have a partner who wants more than you can offer and your relationship has no future, it’s time to start thinking about separating (perhaps just temporarily). Also, think about where you can secure what you need for yourself. I suggest finding a way to provide that for yourself.

A question that has nothing to do with your relationship but only with you is: Why is someone, who doesn’t see how valuable you are, good to you? Reflecting on this may lead to some critical conclusions for you.

2. Analyzing Your Partner

Toxic couple

Analyzing your partner would involve examining them closely. What kind of person is never satisfied? Who always wants more? What is it like to live with such a person?

Here, I suggest taking an unemotional look at your partner. Who knows what you might see in them, traits you may not like?

3. Reflecting on Your Coexistence

The third instance is to think about your life with such a person. No matter how much you love them, what will your life look like with someone you are never enough for?

It is necessary to think about your coexistence without embellishing the situation. If it is difficult for you to think about the two of you, because you are emotional about it, imagine another couple with your parameters. So one person in that couple gives everything, and the other person is constantly dissatisfied. When you come to your conclusions, that’s your relationship, if you look at it without emotion. It’s your future.

Solution:

  1. Self-Analysis
  2. Partner Analysis
  3. Analyzing Your Coexistence Without Idealization
  4. Understanding the Difficulty: It will be hard to stay together, and it will be hard to separate and find someone else.
  5. Choose One Hard Path

You must choose your own difficult path.

When a Partner Tries to Return After Leaving You for Someone Else

3. Your Partner Wants Something Different Than What You Provide

Couple in love

Once again, the question is whether your partner knows what they want. But let’s assume hypothetically that they do know; (if they don’t, it would be good for them to explore themselves. Otherwise, they might spend their whole life not getting what they want).

If your partner clearly knows what they want and it’s entirely different from you, you have four options:

Your Partner Broke Up With You—What Are Your Solutions?

1. Highlight the Benefits of What You Offer

Let’s say you are an intellectual who isn’t much into sports, but your partner wants an athlete.

You can ignore the feelings that overwhelm you (This is humiliating! This is embarrassing! I won’t beg them. I won’t convince them. If they don’t want me, that’s it…) and use words and actions to convince your partner of the benefits of being with an intellectual.

This can work with some partners.

This approach should be free of aggression and pressure, targeting your partner’s common sense. A good example would be if your partner, after a long relationship, wants something different. You can sometimes achieve their realization by appealing to your partner’s rationality.

  • Additional strategies include comparing yourself to the alternative, highlighting your strengths, downplaying the third person, and various manipulations to encourage your partner to reason about the advantages of being with you.

2. Find a Way to Give Them What They Want

Couple in love

Going back to the intellectual who isn’t into sports. Become an athlete. Look, I’m not suggesting you do anything against your will; it’s your life, relationship, and partner. I’m just speaking from the standpoint of common sense and my professional experience, where I know that people don’t want to change their desires, and in such cases, we have to give them what they want. We can’t convince others to accept what we offer and consider desirable (I know you want a fitness enthusiast but wish for someone you can have deep conversations with).

If you have a partner, who cannot be convinced to want something different and wants to keep them, overcome yourself and your resistance (you can always talk to someone about your resistance) and become what your partner desires.

  • Let’s be clear: This applies only if your partner’s desires benefit you (really, why not be both smart and fit?).
  • However, if your partner wants something that is not good for you (such as starting to harm yourself in some way), please leave that relationship. No one is worth such an adaptation, and you later suffer consequences.

Specific Things To Do When Partner Falls In Love With Someone Else 1.

3. Find a Compromise

Indian couple

This can only work with partners who are still fond of you, even though they’ve fallen for a third person.

If a compromise is possible, try it, but it is less likely. With compromises, neither side is often satisfied.

A form of compromise that might satisfy both partners is alternating periods of doing what one partner wants, and then what the other partner wants. This will only be acceptable to a partner who doesn’t find living with you repulsive and isn’t completely fascinated with the other person.

  • Advice for compromises: Always add to your relationship. Never take away. Fulfill each other’s wishes—both of you.

4. End the Relationship

I know you don’t like this idea, but sometimes, we diverge entirely in our needs with our partners over the years. Sometimes, we start from the same point and want the same things, walk alongside each other for a long time, and, at some point, diverge. We develop in different directions. This is somewhat unpredictable, especially since it can happen suddenly and unexpectedly for both.

  • For example, one might want to develop their business further, while the other wants to retire and travel after many years in business.

If you have completely different desires and someone else’s desires affect the other person (and no compromise can be found), maybe it’s best to end the relationship.

As I said, you’ll have to choose one. Whether it’s ending the relationship and moving on or staying in a relationship where you are unhappy and anxious and your partner is not satisfied.

Summary:

  1. Your partner must recognize their desires.
  2. They must communicate their desires clearly to you.
  3. Analyze your partner’s desires—will they benefit you? (of course, fulfill them only if they suit you).
  4. If they are harmful, give up on them.
  5. If their desires do not harm you and you can fulfill them, do so.
  6. If you cannot fulfill your partner’s desires, my advice is to choose the immediate greater pain (leaving), but give both yourself and them a chance to get what you want from life.
The partner chose someone else instead of us

When Should You Stop Trying in a Relationship?

Furthermore, I suggest reading all the posts on this topic to fully understand your situation (your partner is in love with someone else). Only after understanding what’s happening can you choose which path to take. Different paths are suitable for various situations. For example, someone whose partner loves (but a third person has appeared) will not act like someone who is unloved. You can read more about that here.

I hope this text was helpful. Dee

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