Who reaches out first after a breakup? These are the 4 types of people who could be the first to approach after a breakup. And if you fall into this category, you can be very, very proud of yourself. And no, it’s not nonsense to persuade you to comply. Every reason for approaching is well-argued and rational. I hope you will agree with that.
Who reaches out first after a breakup?
The people who approach first are: extremely mature people, people who want to preserve their relationship, people who reciprocate kindness and gratitude, people who have an extremely stubborn partner. Regardless of the fact that their partners are wrong and may have started a fight, these people find greater reasons why they will approach anyway.
So, you had a argument, and I know you think you’re right. But I also know that your partner thinks they’re right. And I don’t know who is right because arguments are usually a chicken or egg situation (who started it and how far back the root of the argument goes).
But what we do know for sure is that people are not rational beings but emotional ones, and they often don’t behave according to arguments but according to their feelings and ego.
Of course, it would be easiest for me to tell you: the one who made a mistake should be the one who reaches out first after an argument. But I won’t help you much with that advice. We have to deal with life, useful and applicable advice here.
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Why can’t people admit their mistakes and reach out when they’ve messed up?
Do you know what the role of the ego is? The role of the ego is to preserve our self-esteem and self-image.
That’s why even when we are 100% wrong and know we are 100% wrong, our ego says: “Ah, this is impossible. You’re not that foolish to have made such a mistake. There must be something that caused you to make this mistake. I think your partner did it on purpose, just so you would make a mistake.
Don’t worry—I’ll protect you, and we’ll find your partner’s mistake (🤝).”
And indeed, you can imagine the ego as a separate entity that talks to you this way. This entity is compelling because that’s its role—to convince you that you are really good. And you are susceptible to being confident because no one is pleased when they are wrong.
Believe me, even people who always blame themselves and make sure they are not right have some angle and reason for behaving that way.
For example, I have a client who constantly tries to convince me that he is wrong. “Isn’t it true that I’m a narcissist? Isn’t it true that I made a mistake? Isn’t it true that I overreacted here?” For him, the underlying angle is: punish me for what I did. That’s how my father always punished me. And when I experience the same treatment as from my father, I recreate parental love. Be my father, please. Give me love.
But I digress.
Why Don’t You Give Your Partner What They Want?
Our ego (we) use mechanisms to be right. And that’s why it’s very difficult for us to see our own mistakes (I’m tempted to say: it’s not your fault. It’s your ego’s fault.). And if it’s hard to see the mistake, it’s even harder to admit it.
The essence is that people themselves don’t even know when they are wrong because they have blind spots about it.
And do you know what’s the worst? When someone else sees that we are wrong. When that person knows. They see us. And who knows what opinion they will now have about us?! We must hold our ground, because that’s our only chance!
Therefore, you can’t rely too much on your partner’s common sense: well, they made a mistake. Now, they will see their mistake and approach me first after the argument.
It would be easiest for me to say that after an argument, the first person to approach should be the one who made the mistake. And you know what: I haven’t helped you at all with that.
As you see, things don’t function according to sound logic but according to our emotions.
Therefore, I’ll say that the first to approach should be exceptionally mature people.
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Extremely Mature People
(maybe it’s you, maybe it’s your partner)
Exceptional maturity means seeing your partner (or they seeing you) as a child. With all the benefits for the child that the child-adult relationship brings. You realize they are not driven by rational mechanisms or common sense but by emotions, fears, anger, and hurt.
And, as we said, the worst feeling is when someone else knows we are wrong.
So, feel free to see your partner as a child with their fingers in the cookie jar. Both of you know it’s their fault (the reason for your fight), but they say it’s your fault for leaving the cookies on the table.
If you have an immature partner, be the mature one, shake your head, and approach them as a mature person. If your goal is not to break up or argue for days proving your partner is wrong, simply say:
“Okay, my love. I believe I am right (don’t blame yourself. You are doing your relationship a disservice. Don’t say that they are wrong because the ego listens and will start defending your partner. *The partner will start to defend himself, but in the background is the ego). But it doesn’t matter who is right; what matters is that we are okay and move forward. However, I ask you not to do these things anymore. I made a mistake, too, and you can tell me what you don’t want me to do anymore, but I would like you to stop doing this.”
And the ego will be soothed. Because it heard that:
- you actually made a mistake
- you don’t think your partner is stupid or foolish
- you still love them since you want to stay with them, meaning you don’t see their mistake as catastrophic.
They will probably say something silly, like, “Okay, I don’t want you to leave cookies on the table anymore,” just to prove their point.
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And yes, the vital thing to hear is that your partner will know they were wrong and how. We all know what we do, no matter how powerful the ego narrative is.
The only difference will be that they won’t have to defend themselves so fiercely from your attack, so with this approach, you have a better chance that your partner will hear the truth about themselves.
If your partner reacts differently, i.e., grabs your statement that you made a mistake and uses it to attack you, it means you have a very immature, stubborn partner beside you. The first comes with rudeness, and the second is a matter of character, so you decide what to do with them. I suggest you become an even stricter parent (“You know what? Don’t overdo it now. I extended a hand towards you, and you abuse it”).
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People Who Want to Preserve Their Relationship
(maybe it’s you, maybe it’s your partner)
By now, we know you have a person in a front of you who is driven by their ego, and ego does everything it can to save them from admitting to others that they were wrong.
If you take that as a fact, maybe your solution is simply to ignore the whole argument and its causes and extend a hand for reconciliation to save the relationship. This would mean accepting your partner as they are and not trying to change them.
- Let’s face it, you can’t change people. They can change themselves if they want, so arguing is futile.
Anyhow, this is also maturity. Because it means you’ve either assessed the situation and your chances in it or you’ve determined that your partner is such a valuable person in other ways and has given you so much in life that it’s worth overlooking what they’ve done.
In this case, it’s about wanting to keep your partner and your relationship, and that’s more valuable to you than proving you were right and that you were the hurt party. Do you want me to make this easier for you? People can be hurt even more than you just because you see how foolish and bad they are.
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People Who Reciprocate Kindness and Gratitude
(maybe it’s you, maybe it’s your partner)
Your partner is so good and has done so much for you that when they make a mistake, they have such an enormous legacy that the least you can do for them is to overlook their mistake.
For example, your partner has provided you with a good life. They are essentially good people, dedicated, love you, etc. And they messed up (because they are humans, and humans mess up).
It’s your turn now to do them a favor because they constantly do favors for you (I’m not saying you don’t do favors for them, but try to think about that individual, that person who deserves your compassion).
I think it’s a great shame that people constantly reset their lives every morning and pretend that things from the past mean nothing. For example: you brought so much into my life, but now it doesn’t count because you offended me.
That’s a real sad. There should be some legacy, some awareness of what people have done for us, and gratitude. If we feel gratitude towards someone, we will want to keep that person in our lives, bring them back into our lives as soon as possible, return the favor, and so on.
So, if you are grateful to your partner for anything, that can be your reason to overlook their mistake and extend a hand first.
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People Who Have an Extremely Stubborn Partner
(maybe it’s you, maybe it’s your partner)
Let’s say you have no choice here. In this case, you can be immature, ungrateful, and outraged, but it won’t mean anything.
If your partner is stubborn, it’s a matter of character traits. So, if you want to change your partner and make them admit they were wrong, it means you need to change their character trait. And character traits are tough to change because they are a fundamental part of us. That’s who we are.
It’s like a house. A character trait is like the entrance to your home; if you change it, it won’t be the same house anymore. It will be, but it will be different. Nobody changes the entrance to their home unless it’s essential.
Therefore, if you have a stubborn partner, be the first to approach and get it over with. Don’t overanalyze; don’t open this topic repeatedly because you won’t achieve anything.
Besides, you have a reason why you want to be with such a partner, so let that be your focus. Living with such a partner will be easier if you focus on your relationship, not on who is right, because the latter will surely make you very sad and angry.
I hope we understand that this also applies to all other variants of uncooperative partners.
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What’s important to say on this topic is that if you want to stay or progress with your partner, you shouldn’t spend too much time contemplating your arguments. You should spend less time on the arguments themselves.
If you give this time, it means that a significant portion of your relationship will suffer from the negative emotions it brings—resentment, anger, sadness, disappointment, etc.
It doesn’t make sense if you intend to continue that relationship. If your goal is for that relationship to last, it’s better to:
- give it every possible chance to succeed
- make it mostly pleasant and fruitful
Because it doesn’t make sense for your most important relationship in life to be the hardest one.
But if you feel the need to pursue justice, that’s a good place to ask yourself why you’re doing it.
And I’m not saying this to offend you, but because this is valuable knowledge for you. Maybe you’ll discover that you’re so hurt that you can’t bear the slightest injustice done to you. Maybe you’ll find that you’re the one who is conflictual or stubborn. And this is nothing terrible. We all are in some way and have undesirable traits. They emerged at some point, and we just trained them a bit. But that doesn’t mean we’re entirely wrong and can’t change those traits.
So whatever you are, if you find it in yourself, it’s nothing terrible—just something you have to fight with.
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The essence is that if you recognize you are the one on the other side, you don’t relent after an argument, and you don’t want to be the first to approach after a fight, that should be a clear sign that something within you needs work.
I know, I know, it would be easiest to blame the partner for everything, but what if it’s not the partner? And because of that, it’s not fixable because you have to fix yourself.
That would mean you’ll either have an ugly relationship with the same partner or you’ll have to replace that partner… and then bring the same issues into that relationship and behave the same way, so you’ll have to replace that partner too…
Analyze yourself, determine your actions, and then work on them. You’ll become a better person and give your relationships a greater chance for success.
In my country, there’s a saying: A meek lamb sucks two ewes. And I think you understand what I mean by this. Try to be cooperative; you’ll profit from it in many ways. Dee.
