In this text, we are dealing with measures you can take to give your relationship the best chance to survive and to regain trust after cheating occurred. Please note, this text may be controversial for some of you.
How To Trust After Cheating Occurred?
That’s why we’ve divided this text into three parts with explanations: 1. What do you need to do to start trusting the cheater again, 2. What does your cheater need to do temporarily? and 3. What do they need to do permanently for you to trust them again?
The short answer is that you cannot trust a cheater. But if you take these measures during those six months, and your cheater responds well to them, you can probably trust them again.
- Whether it’s wise, we can’t know in advance, but only over time, because we don’t know what’s going on in someone’s head.
What Type of Person is More Likely to Cheat
Steps you need to take:
So these things are your duty, and if you don’t do them, I don’t think you can trust a cheater again.
You Need to Have a Discussion About the Infidelity
Maybe until now, you’ve yelled and threatened, but what I’m suggesting is the conversation that you need to have.
It would help if you had this conversation after you have calmed down emotionally, thought about what you will say to your partner, planned the course of the conversation, and decided which topics you want to open. You must remain calm during the conversation.
The purpose of this conversation is to convey your message and get the information you need. But I don’t mean information that will torment you and serve no purpose (Is he/she better in bed than me?), but information you need to decide what to do next.
Questions are: Is there a specific reason why you cheated on me? Did I somehow contribute to it? Are you still thinking about that person? Do you want them? Can you continue the relationship with me without cheating in the future?
Your partner can answer all these questions later. Also, there can be several such conversations, as long as you get answers to all the questions that will help you reinvent your relationship.
You Need “Punishment” For the Partner
It is necessary to design and implement some punishment. I don’t say this because I am vengeful but because people change their behavior only when they personally experience some pain.
The fact that you will cry and be desperate is a weak and short-lived emotional discomfort for the partner who cheated on you. The partner needs to personally experience some “pain” because of what they did, so the next time they want to do it again, they have a vivid feeling of discomfort and fear of the consequences (obviously, for themselves).
Punishment can be anything: temporary separation, financial compensation, public shame—anything that you know will cause your partner great emotional discomfort.
I know some of you will disagree with this (and it can even backfire), but these tips come from understanding the human psyche and life, not from our idea of how things should work to be fair. It’s not fair that this person cheated you, so it’s not fair that they have to be punished.
- I emphasize that the punishment must be proportionate to the cheating and in a context where the person remembers that the cheating results in a bad experience later.
- Punishment must not be rigid, vicious, or destructive. It must not come from revenge but from common sense, so the cheater remembers that cheating does not pay.
Do Cheaters Feel Guilty or Remorseful?
Changes In You (For Better or Worse)
Maybe you are shocked that I recommend also changes for the worse, but if you were a great partner to your partner (which he/she communicated to you in that conversation before), obviously becoming even better is not the way. It is possible that your partner needs something else. To be worse towards them. For example, to do fewer favors for them. To neglect them more.
You can learn a lot about this by finding out what dynamics your partner had in their primary family because those are the dynamics we tend to.
Like plants, so men also grow, some in the light, others in the shadows. There are many who need the shadows and not the light. – C.G. Jung
Of course, there is a chance that you need to become better towards your partner, which is also something they should communicate to you. For this communication, I suggest a conversation with a relationship counselor, who will guide you on how to find out what you need to do.
- I once had a couple in therapy where he cheated on her (multiple times with the same person). His excuse was that he could never stand up to his fiancée, who practically bankrupted him, so cheating was his passive-aggressive resistance and revenge on her.
In any case, I call this fine-tuning. Maybe you were too good or bad towards your partner, and now it needs to be adjusted.
This might sound strange, but people often feel most comfortable and stick with relationships that subconsciously match what they desire, not necessarily the healthiest or most beautiful ones. Additionally, people tend to recognize the love they experienced in childhood as true love (unless they’ve gone through psychotherapy), which can explain a lot.
Clearly Communicating the Consequences For The Next Cheating
To do this well, you must first consider what consequences you can enforce. Do not make empty threats.
Once you figure out what you can do, you need to communicate to your partner what things will look like if they cheat on you again.
Steps the cheater needs to take temporarily or immediately:
Admitting the Mistake
Remember to do this because it’s not just about the partner admitting their mistake, but also how they do it (admitting. Not cheating). The partner must talk about their mistake. They need to verbally prove that they understand what they did to you, what they did to your relationship, etc.
Please do not put words in your partner’s mouth or give them suggestions (Do you know how hurt I am!). Let your partner come to conclusions on their own. That way you will make him think about what he did.
Also if you tell them how you feel, they can just copy it without engaging their brain. Let your partner talk and be articulate. Not about the act of cheating itself, but about the consequences, themselves, you, the hurt, etc.
How Cheating Begins and What Happens Before Cheating
Talking About the Infidelity
Since we said you would talk about the infidelity, the partner should explain why it happened. They should have the freedom to tell the truth, even if they don’t like that truth and if it may be painful.
That truth may be about them and their character or about you (which will make you angry: Not only did you cheat on me, but now you’re blaming me for it!). But if you don’t find out your partner’s reasons for cheating, you won’t be able to work on them and, thus, not be able to trust the cheater again.
- Remember the couple I mentioned earlier? She never suspected that her excessive spending of his money would lead to him seeking revenge by cheating.
This will probably be one of the most uncomfortable conversations you’ll ever have, but avoiding the reason behind the cheating won’t help you repair the relationship. In my experience, after something as unpleasant as cheating, people who want to stay with their cheating partner often rush to get back together and recreate a pleasant relationship. Because of that, they miss addressing these crucial issues.
Of course, when you’re already struggling, you don’t want to make things even harder. However, my philosophy is to dig up everything now that it’s already difficult and painful (like fixing a broken pipe) and address everything from the ground up.
I recommend that you have this conversation with a moderator who will direct it.
Can Someone Who Loves You Cheat on You?
Atonement
The mistake your partner made won’t disappear, but your partner’s atonement can camouflage it.
You can tell your partner what you expect from them, how they can atone, or they can devise creative ways to do it.
I know this won’t redeem your partner or ease your pain. But the idea is that when you think about the cheating in the future, you’ll remember that your partner made an effort to make things right. In the end, anything you can hold onto to save the relationship will be helpful.
Therapy and Counseling
The partner could go to individual psychotherapy or counseling to better understand themselves. Because infidelity is often a matter of character traits, beliefs that come from the past, personal choices, and a therapist can help your partner understand themselves better and decide if they will change anything.
What Cheaters Do When They Get Caught
Reexamining Beliefs and Character
If the partner does not opt for counseling (although I really, really recommend it), they should examine themselves and why cheating was ever an option. They might discover that they are mimicking a figure from childhood or that they believe that sexual freedom is a good thing. Perhaps your partner finds out that they are easily influenced and take advantage of opportunities when they arise. Many things can be discovered in that self-examination that can be useful to both of you.
For example, if you discover that your partner is in a period of life when they want to live more freely, you might realize that this will last for a few more years and that you cannot risk staying with them.
Or you find out that the partner idealizes a father who cheated, for example.
So, whatever your partner discovers about themselves, it would be good to share it with you.
This is especially important if there is a history of infidelity in your partner.
Doing Many Good Things For You
This is necessary. Like atonement, the sin cannot disappear, but it can be camouflaged, covered, and buried with good things that the partner will do for you.
Do cheaters know what they have lost?
Steps the cheater needs to take permanently:
Ending All Contact With the Person They Cheated With, Obviously
You should insist on deleting contacts from phone and computer (perhaps in front of you), insist that they end contacts, and monitor for a while to see if that task is fulfilled. During this period, the partner could give you access to their phone/email/movements until you regain trust in them.
If complete cessation of contact is not possible because, for example, your partner and the person they cheated with work together or meet regularly, the partner should keep their distance, conduct strictly professional conversations, and verbally and non-verbally keep that person at a distance.
Is It Worth Staying With a Cheater?
The Change That Is Needed
The partner should think about what change is needed on their part and what is on your part. The reasons for cheating could come from the internal and external worlds. Maybe the partner is bored or has fallen into FOMO hysteria. Perhaps they can’t control themselves. The change may be on your part, for example, if the partner is resisting some of your behavior through cheating.
When you become aware of what each person is doing, you should plan a change that aligns with that and then implement it.
Leaving the Circle of People Who Have Such Influence
Bad company spoils good character 😁… but this can be true. A circle of people for whom cheating is acceptable and who even create opportunities for it + a suggestible person, is undoubtedly a bad combination.
Therefore, your partner should leave that circle of people.
But not in a way that you force them to. But in a way that they understand themselves, that they are suggestible, and that they understand that circle of people and their influence on them.
If you force your partner to leave a group of people that entertain them, they will likely not do it entirely or will resent you. However, if they realize that such a group leads them to situations that are not good for them and can ruin their life… maybe they will put two and two together and conclude that those people want to ruin their lives (divorce them).
But as I said, it may not be the group but the unfortunate combination: a free-spirited group with its own rules and a suggestible person.
How to Manage a Partner Who Has Fallen In Love With Someone
After implementing all these measures, it takes time to implement everything and start trusting the cheater again. I would never trust a cheater again without these measures.
After enough time has passed (let’s say six months is optimal to implement all this, draw conclusions, and carry the heavy burden of doubt within yourself), you can start trusting the cheater again.
And to be clear, there is no guarantee for this. These are only preventive measures, so you can continue the relationship with the cheater and trust them again, but there is no guarantee that the cheater will not cheat on you again.
The rest of living with a cheater requires a whole new blog post to be written, but you may also find it useful to read this What To Do When Partner Falls In Love With Someone Else 2 .The title sounds a little different, but in this text you will find ideas that are well connected to your topic.
I hope you found this text useful. Dee
