Psychological insights on relationships: rejections, breakups, making relationships happy, unhealthy dynamics, and general psychology.

The Best Way to Break Up: Where, When, and How

1. If you are brave, the best way to break up is in a private space, in the morning, tell the exact reasons why you are breaking up.
2. If you are less brave: in the morning, live in a public place or by phone call, and say in the nicest possible way the exact reasons why you are breaking up.
3. If you are afraid of confrontation: in the morning, with a phone call, tell the softened reasons why you are breaking up.

Couple breaking up

If you are on this topic because you want to make things as easy as possible for yourself, options for a breakup are:

Via text message

I’m not saying it’s moral or fair, but it’s the easiest.

Important note: Although people generally won’t endorse this, it’s not illegal to do so. You don’t have to do things the way others think you should if they concern only your life.

Reasons for:

  • You won’t endure your partner’s heavy emotions, words, and tears.
  • You won’t spend additional time or money on someone with whom it’s over.
  • You won’t be tempted to change your mind.
  • You won’t be tempted to insult that person or defend yourself against them.

Reasons against:

  • You’ll have to live with the fact that you didn’t have the courage to face that person.
  • You’ll have to live with their contempt.
  • You’ll have to live with the contempt of their people or mutual friends.
  • You won’t get a chance to clarify everything.
  • You probably won’t ever get a chance for reconciliation.

Why Break Up Is So Hard To Bear: Real Reasons

A beautiful woman after break up

Via phone call

It’s less pleasant for you, but at least you’re showing some courage.

Reasons for:

  • You’ve at least shown the person some basic respect.
  • You’ve given them a chance to express their thoughts and emotions.
  • Even though you’re talking, you’re still safe.
  • You probably won’t be tempted to change your mind.
  • You can always end the relationship if the conversation goes wrong.

Reasons against:

  • The person will get a chance to beg you to reconcile.
  • You might give up on your intention if you’re wavering.
  • You probably won’t ever get a chance for reconciliation.

Is my relationship worth fighting for?

In-person

It is the bravest form of breaking up. You show your courage and integrity. The person facing you gets your respect.

Reasons for:

  • You’ve shown respect to the person.
  • You’ve given them a chance to express their thoughts and emotions.
  • You can better explain your reasons.
  • You’ll leave a good impression.
  • You’ll be proud of yourself for showing courage.
  • They can’t blame you for anything tomorrow.
  • You can easily get a chance for a second opportunity.

Reasons against:

  • The person will get a chance to beg you to reconcile, and you might waver.
  • Your partner will get a chance to express their emotions and thoughts out loud.
  • You’ll have to deal with very negative emotions: shock, pain, disappointment, anger, etc.
  • You might be in danger.
  • The person might interpret your decency as still caring about the relationship and thus foster false hope and count on this.
A man calls on a mobile phone

My suggestion: break up over the phone or in person. Not with SMS. You never know what life holds or whether you’ll want a chance for reconciliation. Plus, you and the other person will have a better opinion of yourselves.

If you are on this topic because you want to make things easier for the other person.

So, you want to spare the other person. That obviously speaks well of you, so I suggest you choose the best options from those offered to you. Of course, whether you decide well depends not only on you but also on the other person and their mental and emotional state, but you can at least try.

How Do You Know When It’s Over?

How do you politely break up with someone?

6.1

How best to break up with someone depends on their character, whether they want to hear the truth or not.

Friedrich Nietzsche said, “The strength of a person’s spirit would then be measured by how much ‘truth’ he could tolerate, or more precisely, to what extent he needs to have it diluted, disguised, sweetened, muted, falsified.”

If you’re facing someone capable of hearing the truth, tell them exactly why you’re breaking up. Exact reason. Whether you’ve fallen for someone else or it’s because of something they’ve done. Both options will benefit that person. In the first, they won’t think it’s because of them and won’t foster false hope; in the second, they’ll get precise instructions on what to work on.
Keep in mind that telling the truth is helpful to some people and too painful for others.

If you’re facing someone who can’t handle the truth, tell them what people always say: It’s not you, it’s me. I need to think about everything. I’m not ready for a relationship, etc. It’s a bit cowardly, but in a way, you are protecting that person from the truth they don’t want to hear or can’t handle.

Why Do People Fall Out Of Love Suddenly?

People

You’d be surprised at how many people don’t want to hear the truth about their breakup. Sometimes, people need that period of gray area and half-truths to cope more easily. This isn’t a recommendation, but people often claim they want the truth, but when they hear it, they seek versions that suit them better and hurt their ego less.

Sometimes people need a little more time to come to conclusions, sometimes they want to come to them on their own, and often it’s not your job to tell other people what they are like.

And sometimes, people don’t even want to accept the clearly stated truth and twist it to make something more acceptable.

  • Offer to remain friends if the person wants or to be there for them as a friend as much as needed. Set the condition that you won’t talk about the relationship but that you want to be fair to them. Note that abuse will be the reason for ending even a friendship.

Don’t:

  • Create a situation and atmosphere where you’re breaking up because of the other person. In the long run, it’s not fair. You got away cheaply, and the other person is left to struggle with the thought, “How could I make such a mistake to lose that beautiful person for the rest of my life.”
  • Break up because of a third person if you don’t have to. From my practice, I know that people find it hardest when they are replaced by someone else. That further exacerbates the ego injury.
  • Make the person feel guilty for the breakup if it was your decision and if it really has nothing to do with them.
  • Say things that will hurt that person and leave lasting consequences.
  • Go back after that decision and torture the person.
  • Don’t be swayed by someone’s tears if you intend to do the same (break up) in a week.

My suggestion is to first assess who you’re dealing with and then decide based on that.

Why Break Up Is So Hard To Bear: Real Reasons

The woman is sitting on the bench after the breakup

When is the right time to break up with someone?

If you’ve been seeing each other for up to three months.

Dating someone doesn’t count as a relationship, so informing someone that you won’t be seeing each other anymore can’t be called a breakup.
That needs to be done quite lightly, friendly, and with the intention of remaining friends.

If you’ve been seeing each other for over three months.

I suggest that before the breakup, you take a few steps to be perfectly sure that the breakup is the best option. These steps would be to try everything you can to save that relationship before the breakup.

Why do I suggest this?

Man and woman breaking up

Because if a person has passed the first criterion for a relationship, and you’ve been with them for over three months, that means they’re not someone you don’t like at all. So they already have some qualities that have kept you together. And let’s admit to ourselves: not many people come into our lives with whom we can last more than three months. Therefore, why not give someone who has already fulfilled the initial conditions for a relationship a chance?

Exiting this relationship means investing energy in something new, and you can also invest that energy in trying to save this old one.

So what should you do:

  • Talk to the person about what bothers you and whether it can be improved.
  • Analyze yourself and your reasons for the breakup. Do you have a fear of commitment, or are you inconsistent?
  • If you find that the reason is in you, it means that it is not up to that person, so maybe you should not break up with them. Because it will be the same for you with any other person.
  • Give that person time to change some things.

How To Maintain Good Relationship

If you go through these steps and still decide to break up, in that case:

  • Ideally, do it when the person isn’t burdened with something else, such as college exams, just got fired from work, has a sick family member, or death in the family recently.
Man and woman breaking up
  • Suppose the person is going through a psychologically or emotionally difficult situation at this moment. In that case, I suggest waiting for a more favorable opportunity, and in the meantime, behave politely, be more friendly, and be less romantic.

*Don’t let this be abused. Some people sense that a breakup is imminent, and they turn into manipulative victims.

  • Don’t leave the person after using them for something: a trip together or sex. That leaves a bitter taste.
  • Please don’t break up with them before or on an important date for them (their birthday, Valentine’s Day, Christmas, etc.). Somehow, it seems like double evil.
  • If none of this is happening, don’t waste time. Don’t waste time for yourself or the other person; instead, take the first opportunity to do it.
  • Set a time limit for the conversation (half an hour, an hour, etc.).
Man and woman breaking up

The best time of day to break up

The morning is the best time for a breakup.

It’s best to break up with someone in the morning because the whole day is ahead of that person. At that moment, they can call friends for comfort. Also, during the day, we can use very effective mechanisms of ego defense for grieving (rationalization: Who knows why this is good for me. He’s just not worth it, etc.). Also, the person can bury themselves in urgent work and cope with the whole thing more easily (I wouldn’t count on this, but it’s an option).

Evening is the worst time of day for a breakup.

The worst time of day for a breakup is the evening because the person is left alone. We’re more sensitive and pessimistic in the evening, and we don’t have the energy to deal with rational things. We also can’t call friends to comfort us, which means we have to go through all of this alone.

The woman is sitting on the bench after the breakup

Where is the best place to break up with someone?

Public place

Reasons for:

  • It’s more in your favor.
  • You’ll prevent her public display of emotions.
  • You can easily leave the date.

Reasons against:

  • If the person can’t control themselves, you’ll have an additional problem of public scrutiny.
  • You can’t express your emotions, which can be both good and bad.
  • Partner can’t express emotions
  • You can’t have a calm conversation. External influences spoil the conversation.

Private place

Man and woman break up

Reasons for:

  • You’ll have a chance to apologize.
  • The person can express their emotions.
  • You can express your emotions.
  • If it is happening at the person’s house, the person is in a familiar, safe place.”

Reasons against:

  • If people can’t control their emotions, they can be intense and last a long time.
  • The person may harm you because they don’t have to hold back.
  • If anything happens at your home, the person can refuse to leave.

Maybe interesting reading:

How Long After a Breakup Do You Feel Better?

How To Know When It’s Time To Break Up a Relationship

Can Someone Love You But Break Up With You?

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