Psychological insights on relationships: rejections, breakups, making relationships happy, unhealthy dynamics, and general psychology.

The Partner Chose Someone Else

In this text, we cover the topic of when a partner chose someone else. We address the possibility that they chose their ex-partner or a completely new one. And of course, I provide options on how to resolve it in your favor.”

Three people in the picture, the partner chose someone else

Here’s an interesting perspective: If your partner chooses someone else over you, it could actually be very good for your relationship.

We won’t dwell on how bad it could be, as you can do nothing about that. If your partner fully commits to another person and things go well, it could be your definitive or temporary end.

I say temporary because I’ve had many conversations in my career with people whose partners returned to them after a long time (months or even years).

I’ve also had countless talks with cheaters who wanted to return to their old relationships, so I can confidently say that this could be the best thing that ever happened to some relationships.

That’s why we’ll positively discuss what happens if your partner goes back to an old flame and what happens if your partner chooses someone new.

Your Partner Broke Up With You—What Are Your Solutions?

If the Partner Returns to an ex-partner

Three people

You can count on the fact that neither the person to whom they returned nor your now ex-partner has significantly changed.

People don’t change unless they decide to, and time and years don’t change them. People’s energy levels decrease with age, and although they may seem different, they’re just doing the same things with fewer people.

We all have automatic habits and behaviors in our character that will eventually manifest externally.

Your now ex-partner will display the same behaviors towards that person that they always did. That person will act the same towards them.

And don’t forget, these behaviors led them to break up once already.

What About Things That Have Changed?

Here we are talking about changes in our preferences and, therefore, changes in our personalities.

Some things simply have changed because we change over time. For example, someone who used to eat everything might become a vegan. Someone who enjoys luxury might become more modest or frugal. At one time, we loved a specific type of entertainment, and now we love something else.

We can assume that the returning partner expects to find similar things in their old partner as before. If not, this can create problems because one party will feel deceived—or both.

Sometimes We Fantasize About Ex-Partners

Gorgeous man

And when they return to our lives, we realize how uninteresting, empty, and familiar (in negative way) they are. And that doesn’t suit us. Believe me, if two people got back together, there would be many fantasies about that person in between. Fantasies are obviously based on the level of imagination and the belief that the person is better than they are.

Only when the person appears in front of us and becomes part of our life again can we see that the person is nothing special and also brings things that may not be pleasant.

Partner Falls In Love With Someone Else – What To Do

Is There Any Resentment Left from Their Previous Relationship?

Obviously, now they have a new opportunity to talk about it. And they certainly will. If one partner carries some resentment, no matter how much they want to return to that relationship, the constant presence of the partner will always remind them of that unpleasant thing, and it will eventually come to light.

The question is whether the relationship can survive this, as I’ve heard many stories of mixed feelings. People wanted to return to that partner but were simultaneously angry at them and wanted redemption.

The question here is whether the partner is ready for redemption or assumes that if they reconcile, everything is over and no longer matters.

This can obviously be a deal-breaker for the other side because they don’t want to justify themselves and feel deceived (We returned to the relationship, considered the old sin forgotten, and now we face this?!).

And remember: we have two people who may resent certain things about each other.

Handsome man

Specific Things To Do When Partner Falls In Love With Someone Else 1.

Resentment Over the Lives They Lived in Between

How complicated this is (🙂), but let’s try to explain. We have to give you all names. You should be Jane, he should be John, and the new partner should be Susan 😁.

Your partner (John) was with that person (Susan), then they broke up, then they were with you (Jane), broke up with you, then reconciled with that person (Susan). This part in between, which includes you (Jane), can be deeply resentful, just like the part where their ex-but-now present partner (Susan) had someone else (Mike 😁).

And it doesn’t have to be other people. It can be careers, travels (once I had a client who couldn’t forgive her partner for going to another continent while he was studying for exams), relocations, changes, promiscuity, not keeping in touch, etc.

People can resent all sorts of things, and that creates negative emotions. And don’t forget – people always strive for positive emotions and avoid negative ones. If this issue is not resolved, it means that there are negative emotions between them, and the result is… (I just told you.)

A beautiful proud woman

What if the Old-New Person Has an Agenda?

What if they returned only with one goal in mind? To spite your partner for something. Or just to separate them from you.

That would mean that as soon as that person achieves their goal, they will discard your partner, and your partner will realize how naive they were.

And believe me, when people are angry with someone, they can hold it in for a very long time and wait for their chance. And after they got her to say – I just wanted this.

  • My client’s statement: I just want them to break up. I don’t want to be with her again at all, but I want her to break up with him.

What Each Brings to the Relationship

Black couple breaking up

That old-new person certainly brings something from their life between the two relationships with your partner.

Additionally, your partner might not accept that (and vice versa).

It doesn’t matter much what it is—whether it’s children born in the meantime, new people, or new habits—it’s less important. Whatever it is, it might not necessarily be acceptable to the other person… and that will stand between them.

Things Only Look Exotic from a Distance

When we have them, they become… things we have and are familiar with. And in this case of returning to an ex-partner, it’s doubled.

It’s the old partner from X months/years ago. And now that they’re back in our lives, they are new, but the same person again.

So, not exotic at all. And we all strive for thrills, new things, excitement, etc.

Also, having an old partner in your life prevents people from finding someone new and exciting and building a life together with them.

Fundamentally, I Am Not Enthusiastic About Returning to an Ex-Partner

But if someone wants to do it, I have outlined how to do it here: How to Get Back in a Relationship with Someone Who Cheated 1.

Relationships with old partners usually don’t succeed for all the reasons listed above. They can succeed if the exact process is followed and done the right way. This relationship (leaving you to be with someone from the past) doesn’t seem to be the right way or process.

This seems like a relatively impulsive decision based on imagination, nostalgia, naivety, etc.

However, despite this, no one can know how this will end.

Why Does It Sting the Most When Our Partner Chooses Someone New Over Us?

If the Partner Chooses Someone New

Three people in the picture, the partner chose someone else

This certainly means that your partner doesn’t know that person well enough.

It also means they don’t know their flaws, the ugly side of their character, how they behave under pressure, how they act when they are nervous, sad, irritable, disappointed, etc.

Also, your ex-partner doesn’t know the personality traits of that person that they are proud of, which might be unpleasant for them.

All these things will very soon become part of their daily lives. Your ex-partner will have the opportunity to see how the person behaves when they disagree with something or are angry at them.

Since this is an entirely new person, your partner is not yet attached to them and has no reason to endure their behavior.

They Are Not Used to Each Other

And someone could easily be surprised, or even unpleasantly surprised, by the partner’s behavior.

Things that the person sees might not necessarily be ugly, but they can be different from the partner’s habits or unusual.

These peculiarities will require adaptation or some form of compromise.

Here, the logical question arises: who will adapt? Who will make the compromise to stay together?

How to Manage a Partner Who Has Fallen In Love With Someone

Couple in fight

Agreements That Need to Be Reached Can Be Complicated

Since they are starting a life from scratch, many agreements will have to be made, including how the relationship will function, what their life together will look like, where they will go on trips, whose friends they will hang out with, how much they will visit family, etc.

Every agreement is a potential opportunity for disagreement and conflict.

Setting up the technical side of the relationship is an incredibly complicated process, and it can take years for partners to agree on just one thing.

And the inability to agree is often the reason why relationships fall apart.

They don’t have shared memories.

Shared memories and habits are what bind people together.

An elderly couple

For example, someone who built a business with their partner. One day, only that partner could talk about the business they had built together, the old times when they were stressed, etc. Or someone who has children with the partner they left. Only that partner will be willing to talk about those children who have grown up: how they were before, if they remember that event, etc.

We connect with people on various bases, and shared memories and experiences are a good basis for connecting. They create nostalgia, understanding, compassion, tenderness towards a partner, etc.

When it comes to children… it can be a problem.

Kids

Just because your ex-partner enjoys their children doesn’t mean (in fact, it rarely means) that their new partner will enjoy them. Or even be happy that they have children.

It is more likely that the children (who are not their biological kids) will be a nuisance.

Therefore, it is very likely that your ex-partner will have to refrain from talking about their children, and the new partner will have to refrain from saying things they don’t like about them.

The presence of children in the relationship further complicates the matter. A partner who is not their biological parent does not have to commit to them, sacrifice anything for them, or love them.

And the biological parent (if he wants the children to be a part of his life) must coordinate all these factors. This can obviously cause a lot of problems and animosity between partners, children, adults, etc.

The matter gets even more complicated when the new partners become parents to their common child.

  • And yes, believe me: I speak from professional experience and all the stories I listened to in my sessions.

Also, the mere presence of children can be a complex equation.

Kids

Children are… children. They bring many things. They are irresponsible; they don’t understand life and can be spoiled, territorial, demanding, and even rude. And parents forgive and make excuses for this because they are their biological children (I include adopted children under biological).

However, the new partner doesn’t have to agree with the behavior of their partner’s children. They don’t have to be tolerant or patient when raising them. This almost guarantees relationship problems

What Is the Most Painful Stage of a Breakup?

They don’t have shared habits.

When it comes to habits, habits strongly bind people. The habit of having coffee together in the morning, going shopping or on trips on weekends, visiting family, and traveling to the same place for a vacation every year.

Your partner created all these habits, which means they wanted to do these things. They enjoyed them; however, now those habits are gone, and they can only nostalgically remember when they did _______ with you. And now they have to build new habits with someone not so close to them… And what’s wrong with the old habits?! It could be your ex’s thoughts.

Now pay attention to this:

In my career, I had many conversations (I must say: with immature people) who said: It does not occur to me to do the same things that they did with them (former partners). They didn’t want to go to the same places, hang out with mutual friends… and they didn’t even tolerate the clothes that their ex-partner bought for them. Yes, it can go a long way, believe me.

Couple in toxic relationship

Why You Feel Guilty About the Breakup

There is also guilt and remorse

Regarding new partners, I can say that many people, despite finding the love of their life, are not happy with this constellation (leaving someone for someone new). Here, we can consider guilt and remorse, a sense of immorality, etc. These are all powerful forces that may not give a person peace and a good night’s sleep.

Therefore, (among other things mentioned above), I am not thrilled about building a relationship before things have been cleared up between partners (the breakup has already happened earlier). Also, I am not thrilled about entering a relationship before the emotions have settled.

Of course, everyone counts on the rush of love and being so madly in love that they won’t feel guilty, but that feeling passes relatively quickly (a few months), and the other suppressed emotions come to the surface.

Therefore, there is a good chance that your partner will bring “sins from the past” into this new relationship if they didn’t separate from you several months prior. And that he will broadcast remorse for it, of course

The relationship can fall apart regardless of this if the partner tries after a longer period of being alone with a new person.

Man and woman are sitting

I hope this text has been informative and optimistic for you. Looking at the above lists, one wonders: How does such a relationship even have a chance to succeed? The chances are much higher that it will not succeed, precisely as my professional experience tells me. If I were to put it in percentages, only 5-10% of such relationships succeed, and all the others fall apart (and the partner wants a new chance with their person).

Otherwise, the statistics are similar (many more relationships fail than succeed), and the statistics are even more dismal with these burdens.

So, although I spread some negativity, at the end of the day, I believe this text is still optimistic. Dee

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

error: Content is protected !!