Our unconscious recognizes these two characteristics as attractive because it is in our nature to want people who have them. If you want to know what makes someone likable, this is post for you.
Two qualities that make someone instantly likeable to everyone are self-admiration and self-sufficiency. We recognize that type of person as someone who can give us something.
Self-Admiration and Self-Sufficiency Positively Trigger our Nature.
Self-admiration makes a person appear to possess valuable characteristics, while self-sufficiency gives off the impression of living a quality and fulfilling life. Both of these assumptions about the other person are very attractive to others.
That’s why people enjoy spending time with self-admiring and self-sufficient people.
Let’s call them the X factors of our character (because it’s fun and true 😊). I highly recommend working on them, as they will increase your chances with future romantic partners, business collaborators, friends, casual relationships, and so on.
The first trait (for our character’s X factor) is:
Self-Admiration is What Makes Someone Likeable
Not the self-admiration type: I am amazing. Look at me!
Because if you mishandle self-admiration, you can become repulsive. Many people who come to me for consultations are rejected by other people, precisely because they have too much self-admiration.
Self-admiration is often confused with narcissism, but it’s not the same thing. There’s a proper way to do it, and we’ll discuss it more after the commercials. Just kidding.
Self-admiration is having a positive opinion of oneself, self-respect, and self-love (it sounds like something all life coaches talk about today: love yourself.)
Anyway, self-admiration is not easy to build if you were not raised that way. If someone didn’t have the luck and advantage of growing up with parents who nurtured them to be someone who admires themselves, they must engage in self-reparenting. I’ll write a lot more about this on this blog because many of my clients were not fortunate enough to grow up in ideal environments, so reparenting is a necessary thing to do.
But let’s get back to self-admiration.
1. Self-admiration is much better than self-confidence (which almost no one knows what it is 😉).
It can be built, and it represents one of the two traits that will make you likable to nearly anyone, even if they don’t want to admit it.
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2. We quickly, instinctively, and a priori believe people in their self-presentation.
If you say you are lovable, people believe it; or if you say you’re marvelous, people believe that, too. If you say you’re terrible, they believe that as well. If you admire yourself, people will believe you are doing that for some reason.
Why would someone question your opinion about yourself when you know yourself best?
3. People who love/admire themselves must have some qualities to base that love on.
Love for oneself usually comes from certain real qualities. Because the chances are slim that you will appreciate yourself if you truly have nothing to appreciate about yourself.
- If you thought of narcissists here, that’s another topic. But long story short: narcissistic personalities don’t really love themselves. In their essence, they think that they are very small and miserable, so they cover it up with a very aggressive worship of themselves. The proof of this is obviously that they can’t stand being around people who don’t admire them or follow them. But that is obviously another topic. Let’s get back to our topic.
People will believe you in your love for yourself and will unconsciously consider that it is based on some qualities. Here we are talking about external manifestation and how people will perceive you if you love yourself: as a person with qualities which brings us to the next instance.
Why do People Like to be Around Those who Admire Themselves?
Mainly for selfish reasons. People are selfless beings and mostly do things for themselves. It is part of our nature, and throughout the history of mankind, it has had to do with survival.
Because of that, when people recognize that someone admires themselves, they automatically assume it’s because they have exceptional qualities and automatically desire:
- Those qualities for themselves.
- To be present when that person manifests these qualities
- To get something from that person
Let’s say, if someone is able to earn money, people will be with him precisely for these reasons.
If someone is beautiful and has a chance with a partner, he will often have companions, so that they too can get a chance with people.
You can always count on the human need to get something for themselves. So smugness is very appealing to people in a way: this person has something in them that they can share with me, teach me, or give it to me.
You can never go wrong with the human need for progress and self-preservation. Give people something they find useful (or think they might find useful), and you’ll have them for as long as they get it from you.
That’s why they like to spend time with individuals who admire themselves, because it means that these people have certain qualities, and those qualities are something that can be spilled over to the people around them, obviously (If I spend time with you, it will transfer to me). That’s why people unconsciously gravitate towards those who admire themselves.
Challenging Circumstances
1. Pretending to be something we’re not.
People sometimes try to deceive themselves and others by pretending to love and value themselves. However, if it’s not true in reality, it’s just using ego-defense mechanisms. Ego defense mechanisms align our self-image with reality. We want to think well of ourselves, and if, in reality, “we are not well,” we use mechanisms to preserve our ego.
Example: “I know I haven’t succeeded in life. But I’m capable and smart. It just happened that things went wrong in my life.”
It’s okay to say this to yourself, but it’s not the self-admiration we’re discussing in this blog post. The sense of self-admiration we’re discussing is grounded in reality.
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2. You don’t need to get ahead because of your parents
Also, a positive view of ourselves is sometimes based on what our parents convinced us of when we were young. If they convince us that we are above average, exceptional, especially—and without any evidence for it—after that, some people will no longer try to be exceptional and truly justify their good reputation.
This is, (in part) how narcissistic personalities are created.
If self-admiration is not grounded in something real but only in our parents’ opinion, the world around us unfortunately sees it after a while. The world will also behave towards us based on what it sees. People expect proof that we are excellent. No one around us, except our parents, has to admire us (they don’t have to either, but that’s what they say. Especially for moms 😊). People usually look for reasons to do so. You must provide those reasons.
And to be clear: I have nothing against you adoring yourself for who you are (⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐).
It’s much better to love yourself than not to, even when there is no reason. But it’s a double-edged sword. First, you would not develop further and truly become something exceptional if you were perfectly satisfied with yourself. Or if you are raised to believe you don’t have to make an effort because you’re already perfect.
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Second, many people won’t believe only in your positive opinion of yourself without evidence. Some people will, but they are usually more naive or in a worse psychological and emotional state.
📌 A little digression: Women, especially for biological reasons, have developed a keen sense of who is fake and who is genuine. Throughout millennia, it wasn’t wise to give birth to a child to someone who pretends to be capable, so women quickly and easily sense who is a little fraud.
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3. It is difficult to find a balance between narcissism and self-love
People find it challenging to achieve the ideal balance between self-admiration and self-contempt, so-called healthy self-admiration. The reasons for this obviously need to be found in our upbringing and characters.
This is why we have people in the range between: self-adoring without covering for the cannon to those who are exceptional and have a bad opinion of themselves. Let’s say that some middle-ground would be ideal – Having a good reasons for self-love.
How to Work on Self-Admiration
1. Find the things you admire about yourself and think about them.
- Become aware that you have them and what they are
- Praise yourself for them
- Brag to others about them
- Let them be your strength
2. Identify factors you don’t like about yourself.
- Complete honesty is necessary. You don’t have to share it with anyone. Be honest with yourself.
- Take the time for this and write them down.
3. Work on these traits.
- Set a realistic time frame.
- Define the process (how it will be done).
- Determine who can help you.
- Start, and don’t give up.
- Try again and again.
4. Work on improving the things you are good at even more.
5. Congratulate yourself on every small step forward.
6. Be realistic.
7. Give yourself a realistic time frame.
8. Talk to a psychotherapist to clear it all up.
This is the first factor that will endear you to just about anyone. The second trait for our character’s X factor is: What Makes a Person Attractive | Psychology
