Psychological insights on relationships: rejections, breakups, making relationships happy, unhealthy dynamics, and general psychology.

Why Don’t You Give Your Partner What They Want?

Understand yourselves. The underlying issues and your reasons why you don’t give your partner what they want.

Three persons.

This blog post grew from my previous posts about a partner falling in love with someone else. However, it is applicable to many relationships.

1. You usually don’t think about your partner’s needs

(you have too many obligations, you don’t have such a connection, etc.)

Your relationship is the closest, most important, and most intense relationship you have and will have with a person. If that relationship is not filled with positive experiences, you can observe things in such a way that the most important, closest, and most intense relationship you have is not… nice.

  • Find a modus operandi with your partner. Dedicate some time to each other once a week or half an hour daily.
  • Compensate positively. Make agreements about compensating.
  • Have specific dates or days dedicated to each other.
  • Set aside some more extended periods every two or three months, which you will dedicate to each other.

During these times, fulfill your partner’s needs and ensure they meet yours, too.

Should You stay In your Relationship?

2. They don’t ask for anything.

Man and woman are talking about why she doesn't give partner what he wants

Even though this might be their fault, you can improve the relationship by encouraging them to explore and express their desires.

Ask them what they want. Happily fulfill your partner’s wishes. Encourage them to think about, talk about, and fight for what they want. Help them achieve their goals.

Everyone desires something. People often have significant wishes in their minds and hearts but have reasons not to express them. If you help your partner express and fulfill their desires, you will have a happier person beside you. It is much nicer to live with happy people than with unhappy ones. Moreover, they will likely become more attached to you because you helped them with something important – gaining the courage to fulfill their wishes.

Additionally, your partner will then strive to fulfill your wishes in return.

3. You feel that you owe nothing to your partner.

Man and woman decide would they fight for relationship

Are you sure about that? You need to realistically weigh what your partner does for you and what you do for them. This is easier with a counselor, but if you can assess it yourself, that’s good, too.

You may discover that you have done a lot for your partner, but they haven’t reciprocated

In that case, clearly communicate what you expect from them (repeat if necessary, be specific, explain, etc.).

Although a lot of room for anger has been opened up here, don’t forget that we are so different from each other, that the partner does not have to recognize the return of the favor. Maybe they didn’t learn it, or they think they already do enough for you.
Try communication and seeking before anger.

However, maybe you receive things from your partner that you don’t appreciate.

You need to communicate what you actually want. Be fair, and don’t ask for everything that comes to your mind. Remember, your partner isn’t a superhero. They can only do so much. For example, if they spend all their time earning money to provide you with a comfortable life, but you want more time together, be realistic and choose one of the two (since they usually can’t be combined).

Also, if your partner gives you things but you feel you owe them nothing, that’s a problem.

Aside from suggesting that you might be spoiled, it also means you still need to develop the ability to be grateful and enjoy what others do for you. Even though it might seem unnecessary from your perspective, isn’t the point of receiving – to enjoy it? Or wouldn’t it be nice to double that enjoyment by being grateful?

Honestly, you’re depriving yourself of enjoyable feelings. Try these pleasant feelings of giving and sharing, because I can’t describe it—you need to feel how wonderful it is to be grateful and joyful to know that someone made an effort for you and that you made it for them.

When Should You Stop Trying in a Relationship?

4. You are unable to give them what they want

Couple in fight

For a complete discussion, see the full text here

However, the short version would be that a good approach is to find a compromise with your partner. I won’t delve into the reasons why you can’t give your partner what they want, but if the relationship is functional, you have these options:

  1. Your Partner Needs to Change Their Wishes Needs and Desires: They might do this because they love you enough to give up their wants and needs. Hopefully, you’ll be grateful enough to reciprocate in another way.
  2. Find a Compromise: Compromises aren’t ideal since neither partner gets precisely what they want. A form of compromise could be that sometimes your partner gets what they want, and other times you do. A good conversation about compromise solutions could be your path forward, followed by adjusting to this mode of cohabitation.
  3. Force Yourself if Possible, to Give Your Partner What They Want
  4. Separation: To avoid deepening dissatisfaction into resentment, resistance, and hatred.

5. You don’t love your partner enough to fulfill their desires

Man and woman in relationship

Questions to Ask Yourself (Not just casually, but seriously):

Why am I with them if I don’t love them? The answers will come. And then you may, for the first time, clarify your life and yourself. What do you value in that relationship so much that you stay with your partner even though you don’t love them? If it’s money, status, the possibility of expressing one’s character, security, or principles, you have two paths:

  1. Find a way to love them for what they provide.
  2. Find another place to get what you need, and maybe even offer it to yourself.

Living a life of such compromise satisfies no one. You’re not happy (you might feel stable and secure with your partner, but let’s philosophize a bit: if you’re stable and secure with your partner, shouldn’t you feel satisfied and grateful? And if you’re satisfied and grateful, wouldn’t you want to reciprocate for what they provide?)

Woman

Let’s return to the topic: if you’re unhappy with your partner, you’re living a compromised life. Such compromises aren’t reasonable because neither of you is happy, and neither of you is getting what you want. This form of coexistence only increases hatred and repulsion. Whenever your partner doesn’t get what they want, they love you a little less or dislike you a little more. Whenever you’re unhappy with them, you love them a little less or dislike them more.

According to this assessment, the situation will only worsen over the years, and you’ll give each other less and less. In this way, you’re not only harming your partner but also yourself, and in a significant way.

Look honestly within yourself and think: Do I have some masochism, destructiveness, or self-destructive tendencies for staying with someone I don’t love and not finding a way to love them, make them happy, and make me happy?

If you have a decent partner who provides what you need, find a way to appreciate it = love them = reciprocate. But if:

When to fight for a relationship and when to leave it?

6. You believe your partner doesn’t deserve your efforts:

Couple in fight

You think your partner doesn’t deserve your efforts. You’re angry, disappointed, etc. This resistance has built up to the point of contempt, even hatred.

If this relationship continues, you might spend your life with someone you hate. You-will-spend-Your-life-with-them.

It might naively seem like you’re somehow avenging your partner, but you’re avenging yourself.

Staying with them will only deepen the problem if you don’t find a way to see them positively. And as this problem deepens, so will your unhappiness and miserable life.

My recommendation is that if you live with a partner whom you believe doesn’t deserve your service, respect, love, and attention, leave them and find someone who does. You’ll be happier because you’ll exchange noble qualities.

Handsome man wants his ex back

But if you think your partner deserves nothing from you, yet you stay with them – consider that it might be due to your character.

There’s no judgment here. People have their wounds and reasons for specific character traits. Our characters, for the most part, determine the life we live. If you have a bad or worse life than you think you should, though it’s hard, try to change something within yourself.

Maybe you’re a bit angry and need conflict, or you feel constantly hurt, etc. This could be anything and obviously requires psychoanalysis or psychotherapy. But if you can analyze yourself and determine your character – try to change your characteristics.

You’ll quickly determine this:

  • If you’re constantly in situations where someone attacks you – maybe it’s about your inner feeling that you are constantly under attack?
  • If you’re constantly in conflict – think, maybe you’re causing the conflict.
  • If you’re hurt continuously, maybe you always see someone trying to hurt you.

The same goes for humiliation, insults, feeling unloved, or being rejected. If you’re not familiar with the term self-fulfilling prophecy, it won’t hurt to read more about it.

Why Do People Fall Out Of Love Suddenly?

7. You Don’t Respect Your Partner

Couple fall out from love

The issue here isn’t how your partner feels (though it is, you’re reading this blog post, so I’m addressing you). What I mean is, don’t think with triumph about how your partner feels or how your revenge is working. Think about how you feel in a relationship that doesn’t respect your partner.

Since you’re in a close relationship, it means wherever your partner goes, you go with them. If they progress, you progress. If they slip into a state of not being respected, you go with them.

Here’s how: we label people. If we label someone as unworthy of respect, they will believe it and start acting accordingly. Because of this, fewer people will respect them. Consequently, they’ll have a life without people around, without opportunities, not being invited to important events, being mocked… and guess who will live such a life alongside them? Yes, you.

Therefore, immediately either start respecting your partner or leave them, because your lack of respect will reflect in your life too.

Even if your partner holds up well, and you still don’t respect them (I’ve seen this many times in my career), remember: you’re living with someone you despise. That’s your life, and you fill it with what you want, which, in your case, is disrespect.

How can I say this? I’d always choose to fill my life with good things. I know that they can be built, practiced, and become a habit. We always choose our path, and in every person, reasons can be found for both respect and disrespect.

I hope you found this text useful. Dee

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