Psychological insights on relationships: rejections, breakups, making relationships happy, unhealthy dynamics, and general psychology.

How To Know When It’s Time To Break Up

What process should you go through first before you break up. And what characteristics should have a relationship that needs to be broken. Discover 9 key indicators signaling it’s time to break up.

1. Violence is being inflicted upon you.
2. You’re more unhappy than happy in your relationship.
3. When you’re female and want a child, but your partner doesn’t.
4. You want marriage, but your partner doesn’t.
5. You want cohabitation but your partner doesn’t (emphasis on doesn’t, not can’t).
6. If the person is cheating on you with someone else.
7. If a partner wants a polygamous relationship but you don’t.
8. Someone deliberately harms you financially or damages your property, relationships, job, and reputation.
9. If someone intentionally sabotages you.

A man and a woman are sitting next to each other

Before you break up with someone, it’s important to understand this:

You must be cautious with such thoughts, as Relationships should be ended when love disappears or It’s no longer the same as it were at the beginning.

We must keep in mind that our hormonal balance, physical health, and environmental factors all affect how emotional we are. Moreover, in our subconscious mind, there’s a storage of millions of pieces of information that govern us. Some of this information will lead us astray. It’s like asking someone on the street how to reach a certain point. You’ll go the wrong way if they give you the incorrect information.

A man and a woman are sitting next to each other

All these variables (emotions, hormones, physiology, and external circumstances) are highly changeable. The unconscious world is usually stable but is often wrongly learned.

Considering all this, we know that just one of these things can lead us astray, and when it changes or is regulated, we may regret it.

Therefore, relying on the current state of our emotions or thoughts is a bad idea.

A much better idea is to rely on some permanent state that is relevant. But again, we must be careful with the unconscious part of us, in which lie our beliefs and convictions. Our unconscious may be wrongly learned or have the wrong information within.

  • An example from my consultations: A woman is accustomed to loud and direct conversations in her household. A man comes from a quieter family, and such behavior is too harsh for him. They are constantly in conflict; she wants that freedom to speak directly, and he wants more polite conversations. Neither side is wrong, and neither behavior is impolite or excessive, but it causes constant arguments. Because of these arguments, one partner wants to break up.
Man and woman breaking up

You could say that they are both looking at the situation “wrongly” and believe that there is no room for improvement. They think each of them is one hundred percent right. Because of the millions of pieces of information they have collected through their coexistence in their primary family and which are now in their unconscious mind, they are convinced that the other person is very wrong.

The solution can also be to learn new communication skills. Because when I analyze my conversations with clients, it often turns out that people don’t need to break up. But they did.

I always see reasons for improvement, and less often, I see reasons for breaking up.

Of course, if, even after all attempts at improvement, the couple still doesn’t function, then I would say there are reasons why someone in a bad relationship doesn’t want the relationship to work. And it’s time to break up.

Couple break up

Traditionally, reasons for breaking up are usually alcoholism, drug addiction, gambling addiction, infidelity, and violence.

How Do You Know When It’s Over?

I personally believe that unhealthy relationships should be ended with people of a narcissistic, psychopathic, and sadistic nature. Later in the text, I’ll mention what deal-breakers are, in my opinion.

However, it’s important to mention that relationships function in all possible ways, and all possible ways are allowed.

If someone has an inner need to be weak and their partner to be strong, we shouldn’t argue that the toxic relationship should be ended.

This story may be interesting to you as an example of what happens when we push people into something they don’t want.

But if you’re considering ending your relationship, this is a process that you should follow before making a definitive and final decision.

Man and woman are walking

Go through this process first to make sure the relationship has to be ended.

1. Both you and your partner decide to try to improve the relationship genuinely.

If only one wants to improve the bad relationship, it’s less likely to succeed. It’s like one engine pushing a boat that needs two engines. The chances of it succeeding are lower.

2. Have the first preliminary conversation.

Discuss what you want your partner to change and what they want you to change. It’s essential to be precise in describing and explaining what bothers us. Statements like “Be better to me” mean nothing. “I want you to do this specifically” is a better statement.

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3. Choose two things to work on together.

Doing more than two things at once is difficult. After all, life is in front of you; what else are you going to do but work on your relationship 😉.

Couple breaking up

4. If the changes are unsuccessful, the individual who did not implement the change should offer a valid explanation for the failure.

A good enough reason is anything reasonable and acceptable to the other party. For example, if a person was overwhelmed with work or had some other problem, they may not have been able to focus on making a change in themselves. A good enough reason is that the person also needs more time to implement that change.

5. If the changes don’t succeed the second time.

It’s practically the last time to overlook this with the partner. Like in football, the player gets two warnings; the next mistake leads to being kicked out of the game.

6. If you don’t notice any, not even minimal, changes in your partner’s behavior (or in your behavior), consider leaving the relationship.

However, there are circumstances that, in my opinion, definitely lead to leaving the unhealthy relationship without attempting to change it first. These circumstances are usually related to the character and personality of that person.

Couple breaking up

When should you call it quits in a relationship?

1. Violence is being inflicted upon you.

Psychological, verbal, or emotional. Be cautious about justifying your tyrant. There’s a chance you’re already conditioned to endure violence.

Participating in unhealthy relationships is usually a shared dynamic in which one partner has a need for aggression (physical, psychological, or emotional) toward themselves, while the other person has a need to express aggression.

The problem is that while you are in such a relationship, you participate in all ways in the aggression that is expressed towards you.

  • Or you are provoked to emit aggression because the other party, for their own psychological reasons, needs aggression towards themselves.

Only by getting out of such a relationship can you get a chance to wean yourself from such dynamics after some time. It is practically impossible to be in such a relationship, participate in such dynamics and change during that time.

2. You’re more unhappy than happy in your relationship.

It is useful to first check where your accident is coming from.

  • It can come from you. In that case, getting out of the relationship won’t help you.
  • It can come from a partner. If you suspect that your partner is doing it intentionally or unintentionally and you had a good conversation with them about it, and things haven’t changed after that – it’s best to leave the relationship.
  • It can come from a shared dynamic. Perhaps no one wants to hurt their partner, but you cannot harmonize your behaviors and characters so that both of you are satisfied.

Before you leave the relationship for this reason, carefully analyze where your feeling of unhappiness comes from.

3. When you’re female and want a child, but your partner doesn’t.

It’s about the biological clock, of course. If you are a man, the situation is reversed, but for women, it is… more urgent.

Man and woman break up

This is a rare instance where, in my opinion, there’s no room for negotiation due to your biological clock. Of course, I’m not talking about situations where a partner may have valid reasons for not wanting children, but rather when they simply don’t want them while you’re still fertile. Not having children because someone didn’t want or wasn’t ready for them is too big a risk for the future.

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4. You want marriage, but your partner doesn’t.

Marriage is a traditional way of committing to one partner. Although the rules have changed today and marriage isn’t considered essential, if someone wants marriage, they have the right to demand it. Of course, the other person also has the right to refuse it, but then those two people don’t want the same thing.

Wanting to get married isn’t as scandalous and unacceptable behavior as it’s often portrayed these days. If you want it, you have a legitimate right to want it.

Marriage helps a lot to make people feel safe and that they have somehow “tied” a person to themselves. I know this does not sound popular, but in my opinion, marriage belongs to traditional values ​​that should not be changed. Many partners survived precisely because it was difficult for them to get out of marriage (paperwork, financial, etc.), and then it is useful for children, for health, security, financial security, etc.

Of course I’m not advocating staying in bad marriages, but that’s not the topic here. The theme is that marriage is a good institution because it helps partners feel more secure, so if you want it – that’s your right.

5. You want move in together but your partner doesn’t (emphasis on doesn’t, not can’t).

The same applies to cohabitation as to entering marriage. Cohabitation is a traditional value that doesn’t have to be avoided. Other types of relationships are also fine, but cohabitation is a good option.

Couple breaking up on street

I repeat this because there’s a current trend that challenges all traditional ideas, so it’s important to say that if you want cohabitation with someone, you’re not wrong. If your partner doesn’t want it, they’re not wrong either, but you don’t want the same things. Just don’t let them convince you that you’re silly for wanting what you want.

How To Maintain Good Relationship

6. If the person is cheating on you with someone else.

If a partner violates your agreement, your right is to end that unhealthy relationship. A partner who once cheated practically gave himself or herself the right to do so. The other party is usually not considered in this case. That agreement was made inside their head, and a will was reached. He or she weighed whether they needed it or whether it was worth it.

This is really about assessing the situation, pros and cons. You must understand that your partner once judged that it is much better to cheat on you (they will get more) than to remain faithful to you. And they acted according to their judgment. There’s no reason why that person wouldn’t do it again a second time.

7. If a partner wants a polygamous relationship but you don’t.

A man and a woman are sitting next to each other and breaking up

If your partner wants a polygamous relationship, that is your partner’s right. If you disagree with this polygamous idea, you’re also right. Of course, there are couples who function in polygamous relationships, but you don’t have to. If you want your partner to be only yours and to sleep only with you, and they don’t want that, it’s better to end the relationship.

This includes any variant of the open relationship that you disagree with. Emotional connection with someone else, dedication, idealization of another person etc.

  • I once had a client whose boyfriend was obsessed with his best friend and subordinated their relationship to him.

8. If someone deliberately harms you financially or damages your property, relationships, job, and reputation.

Black couple breaking up

I don’t think there’s a question about whether this should be terminated. The underlying cause could easily be narcissistic, psychopathic, or aggressive tendencies related to the partner’s character. In any case, the person wants to weaken or damage you, which clearly reflects thier manners towards you.

The person wants to damage or weaken you, for some reason. Please don’t rationalize or deny this just to stay with that person. Don’t pretend this happens by accident. Adults make decisions about how to treat other people.

9. If someone intentionally sabotages you.

If a person sabotages your life or progress, there’s almost no need to question whether it’s intentional or unintentional. You can suggest they talk to someone about their reasons for it, but don’t agree to their sabotage.

The reasons for your sabotaging may sound benign and evoke pity for your partner (he is insecure, etc.), however, you must not indulge in these unhealthy dynamics. If your partner is unwilling or unable to stop sabotaging you, it is best to end the relationship. Be very exclusive and say that you will not allow this.

You can read more about the reasons for breakups in this article. In it, I wrote about which relationships are changeable and which are not.

A man and a woman look at each other

These are some general reasons for breakups, in my opinion.

The basic paradigm is not to rush into a breakup because finding a partner that suits you perfectly happens very rarely. So if you’ve already found someone who once suited you, why not give that relationship some more time for improvement?

In the end, if you go through this whole process, you’ll know for sure that you’ve really given it your all, so there won’t be any regrets in the future.

  • A few of my clients regret breaking off relationships they didn’t have to. Sometimes they say they rushed it, or after many years of seeking different partners, they realize the problem wasn’t with the partner but with their demands.

Therefore, don’t rush to end a relationship (unless one of the reasons listed above applies). If nothing can save the relationship, then it’s perfectly okay to end it.

Love you. Dee

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