Find when to fight for a relationship, and when to let go. What are 6 reasons to fight, 4 reasons to let go, and 5 crucial things to check before deciding to give up.
*Professionally and carefully weighed reasons for fighting for a relationship and letting it go.
Although strong emotional-psychological impulses are at work within you, common sense must be counter-weighted to impulses. The emotional-psychological world needs a realm of reason so that we don’t destroy our lives. This list directs your thinking somewhat when it comes to letting go or fighting for a relationship.
Fight For a Relationship If:
If the Person Did Some Important Things For You
This statement isn’t a blanket assertion like, “That person did something for you and now you owe them!” It comes from an understanding of human psychology, and when we claim such a thing, we’re dealing with the part of us responsible for our morality and ethics (the superego). We all have a superego. The superego can easily be compared to the conscience. Without a conscience, we’re psychopaths.
Conscience functions so that it’s always present, but we can mask it with various mechanisms. These mechanisms allow us to live in peace, even if we have made a mistake. However, when the energy for using those mechanisms diminishes (say, when we’re tired or dealing with other things), conscience steps in.
Also with a time, those mechanisms weaken, and conscience remains to torment us. This can continue until it drives us mad. Read more about this here. Beware of this because:
- First: Sooner or later you will be sorry if you hurt a good person. It’s hard to bear.
- Second: If someone has done you a big favor, it implies they are a good person. Fighting for coexistence with good people is necessary because there aren’t many people who will do something good for you or give you something. People are selfish and opportunistic and mostly take care of themselves. This isn’t stated out of bitterness but as a simple truth about human nature. Read more about this in this text.
- Third: We underestimate the magnitude of what people have done for us. And again – not because we are evil, but because of several other mechanisms.
- We are more focused on the future than on the past,
- We underestimate how much energy and resources the person needed to help us,
- We don’t like to owe (because we subconsciously know that it will require an investment of our energy, which we don’t like to waste). This is why we use mechanisms to relativize other people’s services to us.
📌 But, if the someone did some important things for you and you still want to leave them, I recommend settling your debt with them first. Do it to a level where you can say, “Okay, I’ve given you everything needed to ‘redeem’ my freedom and peace within it.”
If Someone Is Going Through a Rough Patch
Okay, maybe their rough patch has lasted a long time. I’m sorry about that. Try to help them get through it in every possible way. Involve friends, try radical changes, seek professional help, etc.
Bad patches happen and are unpredictable. A lousy patch can always happen to you so that you might expect patience and tolerance from the other person.
Check if this is taking too long, if there is any progress for that person, etc. People who are going through difficult periods sometimes need a little more time for this.
📌 If someone doesn’t want to help themselves and isn’t doing anything to get through the rough patch, it might be a sign to end the relationship. But before that, give your relationship a trial period.
If There Are Bigger Things At Stake Than the Relationship
Children, marriage, finances, reputation, etc. All this needs to be put into the equation, not because of the magnificence of these things, but because of very down-to-earth matters. All of this will come up for you to deal with.
Unhappy children, halved finances, repairing reputation, etc. And these things can genuinely be life-destroying. As an experiment, imagine your child becoming rebellious because you got divorced. Planning how you’ll handle that child over the years would be good before deciding to end the relationship.
📌 Before you break up, please think about the things more significant than your relationship and how your life will look if you start “messing with them.” If necessary, end your relationship only after making plans for all your situations.
Is my relationship worth fighting for?
Against External Influences
People influence our relationships, and we must fight against external influences. Remember—you don’t know the agenda of the person who gives you advice or persuades you. Are they good, evil, or well-intentioned? The road to hell is paved with good intentions.
The simplest stance you can take is us against them. We will overcome their influence because we need each other, support each other, are best friends, etc. Also, my chances with this person are more significant than with those other people from whom you might end up with nothing.
📌 If you genuinely want to part ways with someone, you must remove all external influences, and the decision must be 100% yours.
Suppression, Self-Control and Setting-Goals
If Something Is Happening To You
(say, you’ve fallen in love with someone else)
It will pass. And I’m not saying this as a comfort but as a cruel reality. What hasn’t passed for you?
I feel that among you now, there are people who thought: but my infatuation with the third person hasn’t passed in ten years. Okay. Then, breaking up with your partner is an option for you.
However, although I don’t want to be a harbinger of doom, a smaller number of those relationships people fantasize about remain so romanticized even when people finally come together. Some of them succeed, but fewer.
That’s why we’ll say that the highest percentage is that if something happens to you, it will pass, whether it’s infatuation, depression, a phase of life, etc.
📌 If you assess that what is happening to you won’t stop, it may not make sense to hold onto the relationship. But I recommend that before that, you really, really… really think about your future and all the options. Don’t let your life be ruined by a few months of something.
If You Have a Good Person Beside You
As I said, good people are worth fighting for. People have both good and bad within them, aggression and libido, and they decide whether they will be primarily good or bad. Unfortunately, it’s much harder to choose good and be a good person because only a few forces work in favor of that, while dozens of spontaneous forces work in favor of a person being bad. Let’s say that to be good people we need to think about it, while being bad mostly comes spontaneously.
When we know this, we can surmise that if you have a good person next to you, you have a person who has thought about it and decided to be good. They’ve overcome all these spontaneous forces and decided to be good to you, in life, etc.
That’s why my suggestion is to fight for a relationship with such a person. Good people are rarer. If they once thought of going the path of goodness, they would surely do it every subsequent time in life.
This may have sounded a bit like a call for sympathy for that person, but actually, I am appealing to your judgment to do good for yourself and, therefore, stay with a good person.
How Do You Know When It’s Over?
When to Give Up On a Relationship:
Observe If You Are In a Relationship With Someone Who Intentionally Sabotages It
If it turns out that the person intentionally sabotages the relationship through patterns, do not continue fighting for them. The person has an agenda with that.
It solely depends on that person whether they will continue to destroy your relationship intentionally, and then it depends on how long you will try to save it.
We cannot defeat other people’s intentions. We can only postpone them, but if people want to do something – they will do it sooner or later. Therefore, if you notice that the person is fighting against your relationship – let them go. Maybe they just need to try life without you.
Or You Are In a Relationship With Someone Who Unintentionally Sabotages It
In that case, the problem here is that you cannot know what self-destructive forces are at work with that person. Perhaps the person has a deep internal need to destroy all the good they have. Maybe they can’t resist those forces. And in that case, you cannot know if they will ever be able to resist or if they will ever choose to change.
After you bring their actions to their attention and maybe help them temporarily seek professional help, perhaps it’s time to stop fighting for your relationship.
- If the person does seek professional help or tries with all their might to change what they are doing – you can wait a little longer to see if it’s a lasting change.
You Are In a Relationship With a Person With an Addiction
and their addiction has cost you so far.
Unfortunately. In that case, there is a firm stream of psychologists who claim that an addictive character is not changeable. Of course, I’m talking about addictions that have an impact on your life, financially, temporally, they scare you constantly, etc.
The precondition to staying with a person with an addiction is for them to change their addiction to a healthier one, such as an addiction to work, religion, or sports.
Let’s be clear: no addiction is good, but some are easier to live with and coexist with.
Or You Are In a Relationship With an Abuser
Psychological, emotional, or physical. If enough time has passed and you have had the opportunity to see whether it’s a few incidents or actual abuse. You have determined that it’s a continuum of violence against you; perhaps it’s time to end that relationship. Because violent behavior falls under personality disorders, and personality disorders are complicated to resolve. Let’s be clear – there is a chance they can be resolved if the person themselves has the will to address them.
📍Please consult with a professional to ensure you are 100% correct that it is abuse before giving up.
11 Hidden and Subtle Toxic Behaviors in Relationships
Before you give up, first, you need to check:
1. Do you want to end the relationship and look for an excuse?
Like with conscience, “at the end of the day,” you will know the truth. So, if you blame your partner for the breakup, it may only temporarily justify what you’ve done. The truth always remains, so these temporary solutions will only help you a little.
It’s okay to end the relationship only if you genuinely want to, but it’s essential to tell yourself the truth and then handle it because it can help you live with yourself peacefully.
Claiming that the partner is responsible for the breakup, knowing it’s not true, will make you focus on the wrong things that won’t bring you relief but will drain all your energy. Investing that energy into executing your decision to separate rather than deceiving yourself is better.
2. Have you tried everything you could?
Of course, there is a limit to this as well. You won’t go headfirst into something just to say you’ve tried everything, but let’s say you try several completely different things and invest time in them. This can give you all the necessary answers, soothe your conscience, and give you a guideline for the relationship.
- I repeat: do several different things, apply several different approaches and give each of them time. Limit yourself to how long you will try each approach, and if they don’t work after that, you have your answer.
How To Know When It’s Time To Break Up
3. Is the relationship fixable with the help of therapy or couples therapy?
Before completely breaking up the relationship, I highly recommend individual sessions with a therapist and couple’s sessions. In separate sessions, the therapist can help you understand yourself; in couple’s sessions, they can help you know each other. They can also provide you with techniques to communicate and fix things.
If, even after those discussions, you don’t see a positive future for your relationship, then maybe your solution is to end it.
4. What will your future look like without that partner?
Please don’t daydream about your future. Don’t daydream, even in the best or worst direction. Try to stick to reality. And based on reality, decide whether to end your relationship. If you see a path ahead that is too difficult (with children, finances, etc.) and the reasons for the breakup aren’t so serious, you should still consider the best option for you.
But it would be unfair on my part not to say: If you see that the future will be difficult and tiring and uncertain, and beyond – you can decide for it. In that case, you will have to fight a lot and invest a lot of energy, resources, knowledge, time, etc. in it. If you think you’re ready for it (and about this, don’t overestimate yourself) – go for it. At least you know you are prepared and armed with all the necessary things.
How To Maintain Good Relationship
5. What are your options?
This also includes your life options. Sit down and think about your realistic options. Consider how you might have to fight through life and not have the energy to enjoy life. Consider what’s being offered to you ahead, whether it’s truthful and realistic.
As they say: Wait to let go of one branch until you grab onto the next secure one.
You might realize that your options aren’t all that special. Maybe you see that what you have now is a perfectly good life and that within it you should in fact develop some happiness for yourself.
- I once had a client who really wanted a divorce, and she found all the reasons for it. After our conversations, she decided that in fact she wanted excitement and then bought herself a motorcycle. She didn’t get divorced. She rode a motorbike, and her life bot became exciting in the old setting.
I hope this text helped you rearrange your thoughts a little better regarding breaking up a relationship. Even though strong impulses work within you, common sense must be against heavier impulses. This list serves to somewhat guide your way of thinking.
Love you. Dee.
