Psychological insights on relationships: rejections, breakups, making relationships happy, unhealthy dynamics, and general psychology.

Why Are There So Many Toxic Relationships These Days?

Uncover societal shifts, psychological factors, and cultural influences contributing to this troubling phenomenon. Answer on why there are so many toxic relationships these days:

  1. There are no more practical reasons to be with someone.
  2. People cannot tolerate any discomfort.
  3. People are stubborn and always right
  4. But they want relationships. Belonging to someone is a natural need.
  5. The gap between these things creates bad relationships.
A man and a woman look at each other

There are no more practical reasons to be with someone

In the past, our economy, living space, and concern for old age compelled us to stay together. Living with a relatively limited livelihood was not easy. It was also challenging to secure and maintain a place to live. Potential illnesses and old age were things we couldn’t entrust to others, so it made more sense to have someone of our own to take care of us when those times came.

A man and a woman are sitting next to each other

Today, these are no longer reasons for relationships (it’s relatively easy to get a loan for an apartment, with average salaries, we can cover modest living conditions, and we are assured that someone will take care of us when we are old or sick). People no longer have any practical reason to be attached to someone, which leads us to the next point.

Definition of a toxic or unhealthy relationship

People cannot tolerate any discomfort.

“Why should I tolerate you if I can avoid it?” As I mentioned, there are no practical reasons for that. Hence, we come to emotional and psychological reasons. Emotionally and psychologically, people always choose to put themselves first. It is interesting to see an experiment in which, under good conditions, rats decided to prioritize themselves and were entirely content. I’m not comparing people to rats, but I’m comparing nature. This lowest nature always pulls people to certain places that satisfy their needs.

According to Freud, it’s the satisfaction of the id, while choosing wiser, better, and more thoughtful options would satisfy the superego.

Black couple

In any case, if nothing practically binds us, it’s a matter of our decision whether we will tolerate the other side. If a person decides to endure, they must adapt and change, which is tiresome. If he or she chooses not to take it, they just need to activate a few mechanisms (rationalization, projection, repression, denial, etc.) and be fine. Not at all demanding. It’s easier to use these mechanisms and not endure.

Can unhealthy relationships become healthy?

People are stubborn and always right.

Since we don’t have to attach ourselves to anyone (no practical reasons + we don’t have to endure anyone), we can afford the luxury of always being right, even when we are not right. And if we are always right, someone with different ideas is not welcome in our lives.

So people push their ideas to the forefront. And it would be wonderful to say now: They live happily ever after.

However, if they choose a relationship, stubborn people don’t live happily for several reasons:

1. The other person is always right for themselves (if they come from the same position as the partner: no practical reasons to attach, with a reduced capacity for enduring).

2. Stubborn people spend some time convincing others to behave the way they like. But they rarely find cooperation. It makes them unhappy.

3. Even they know that they are not right (because beliefs alone cannot destroy the truth), but they try to push their own. And that makes them even more unhappy.

Mother and child

Like a sleepy child, someone forces them to do what’s best for them. However, they cry, get angry, and want to stay awake.

The child in them knows that they are not right and seeks help. But they are adults now, and no one will force them to obey and do something good for themselves.

So, they “stay awake and tired and angry and tearful” and are additionally angry at themselves, but also at those who don’t help them, even though they don’t allow themselves to be helped.

And that’s why people are desperate when they’re in a relationship, but also when they’re not.

Among other things, this is why we don’t like people who are too kind and adaptable to us. Because subconsciously, we are aware that we are not always right and that someone allowing us to do what we want is not actually on our side and is not our friend.

How To Recognize Hidden Toxicity in Relationships?

But then why do people seek relationships?!

We cannot actually survive without others. Other people have been necessary for us since we existed. To protect us, take care of us, correct us, support us, love us, help us, and more.

We are not created for loneliness. We strongly yearn for relationships.

Man and woman are sitting

And that’s why we fall into this cycle: Seek a relationship – Find it – It doesn’t work – We part ways – Seek a relationship – Find it – It doesn’t work – We part ways – We are disappointed – We recover – Seek a relationship…

Essentially, today, there are many bad relationships because fewer people decide to fix things. Because fixing means changing ourselves, adapting, and investing effort.

And that’s hard as long as we have the sweet option: I don’t need you. If you want me, adapt to me.

Different sources of toxic dynamics in relationships

However, mainly fixing enhances us.

Man and woman holding hands

It’s like learning. If you’ve learned something, it can be your limit. But you can keep learning, although it is challenging, and become even more intelligent.

If you fix things, you will gain new skills and check if you are right. Change your views for the better, become more skilled in managing relationships, and learn new things from the other side (remember, relationships are meant to enrich each other, and we can learn the most from the person who is constantly with us). All this is like a superpower. But not only that.

You will also keep good people and good relationships in your life. Not only that, but you won’t waste energy on a constant search cycle; instead, you will invest that energy and time in yourself and the extraordinary life you can live together.

Love you. Dee

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