This text is written from professional experience and countless conversations with people who have cheated on their partners. We found different reasons why do people cheat.
In short: People cheat for several different reasons. Because of their partner’s behavior, a smaller number of them cheat; because of their nature, which says that cheating is okay in some way; not because of anyone in particular, but because of the circumstances. We have listed various reasons in the text.
It’s important to understand that this isn’t about justifying or blaming anyone; it’s about addressing the most typical reasons someone cheats. This is crucial because each reason has a different resolution, whether you want to fix the relationship or make it easier for yourself to move on.
This can be especially useful for those prone to guilt and self-blame.
Realistically, it’s good to know you’re not the reason someone cheated on you. And it’s also helpful to see what you can do better next time.
How Cheating Starts and What Happens Before Cheating
Reasons for Cheating:
The Problem Lies with the Partner/ Cheater
1. The Partner’s Nature
Partner’s character traits
According to the Big Five personality traits model OCEAN (one of the most accurate personality tests at the moment), some people are more prone to cheating than others. This relates to a person’s character traits.
- For instance, people are open to new experiences, and extroverts are more inclined to cheat because they enjoy change, being the center of attention, trying new things, etc.
Use of ego defense mechanisms
However, that’s not the only reason people cheat. Some use better or worse ego defense mechanisms, which partly serve to justify their behavior to themselves.
So, people who heavily rely on ego defense mechanisms are more prone to cheating because they will use any possible mechanism to improve their self-image, comfort themselves, justify that it was necessary, etc.
Can Someone Who Loves You Cheat on You?
What Drives Your Partner?
Considering that we have three entities within us: the Id, Ego, and Superego, one always slightly prevails: – Id or Superego.
The Id is the animalistic part of us that seeks pleasure (I want to flirt/sleep with that person!) or Superego (that’s not moral. You can’t do immoral things!).
Depending on which entity prevails in a person, their actions will differ.
And do you know who governs this (which will prevail)? The third entity is the Ego.
The weaker the Ego, the more the Id controls. The stronger the Ego, the more the Superego controls the person.
Conclusion about partner’s nature:
You know the nature of your partner. If they generally choose fun and pleasures in life, always justify themselves, and love new experiences, it’s clear that cheating fits into their life choices.
If the partner is conscientious and more introverted, cheating is not close to their nature.
I’m sorry if your partner’s nature leans heavily towards fun and easily justifies itself. And I’m sorry to say that such a nature is practically (very difficult) to change.
But understanding your partner’s nature will determine whether you stay with them after they’ve cheated because, of course, we have a combination of all factors.
Relationship With Someone Who Cheated on You – How to Do It
The Partner Wants to Try Something Outside Their Nature
Here, we assume the partner is usually conscientious, reliable, and up to the task, but they allow themselves a break. Why, you will read below.
These partners usually had one moment/outing and quickly returned to their old nature.
Usually, they can be forgiven for cheating.
However, it is always possible that the partner does not want to return to their old nature because it is exhausting and they want a longer break.
The Partner is Searching for Something
Here, I refer to partners who have some psychological issues, not in a derogatory sense.
Some people are so unhappy and dissatisfied with their lives that they are constantly searching for someone who will fix them. This means they won’t stay with their official partner because they can’t fix things for them.
The problem is that people usually don’t look within but seek the causes of their problems and unhappiness outside themselves. Therefore, they need to see that no one can fix their problems but themselves.
Maybe I’ve complicated it a bit. But let’s put it this way: if someone is depressed (due to events in their life, childhood, current life, etc.), they might see that external factors cause their unhappiness.
Therefore, they might expect their partner to solve these external factors and make them happy. When the partner fails, they look for another partner, who, if also unsuccessful (and obviously will be), must be discarded again. In that case, they return to the first partner if they are reliable and continue searching for their savior in others.
Specific Things To Do When Partner Falls In Love With Someone Else 1.
People With Personality Disorders
People find them incredibly attractive because they are unusual and elusive. Being with them keeps people in a constant state of excitement (sometimes adoration, sometimes rejection), which is thrilling and stirs excellent passions. Of course, not the rejection part, but when we win them back… and they still love us…” it’s a great victory. More on this in the text (why we are madly in love with people with personality disorders).
In any case, people with personality disorders are attractive to us, and they are prone to cheating for various reasons.
In short, personality disorders are often associated with narcissism, and we know that narcissists believe they are entitled to everything and don’t apologize or justify their actions. To be precise, they think it’s not their fault they cheated but the fault of the person they cheated on. Therefore, cheating is easy and justified for them. It would help if you didn’t provoke it in them.
The Partner Doesn’t See It as a Big Deal
The partner comes from an environment where cheating isn’t a big deal. The question is what moral principles were instilled in them. They were genuinely taught throughout their lives that freedoms, in this sense, are essential and that they should express themselves.
Such partners presented their life ideas to you in advance, so it doesn’t surprise you that they decided to cheat.
They still don’t understand why you’re upset about something fun/pleasant/insignificant.
How to Get Back in a Relationship with Someone Who Cheated 1.
The Problem Comes From You
Your Behavior in the Relationship is… Questionable
Here, although it is very, very difficult, you must be honest with yourself. Because if you skip this idea, you might go down the wrong path (for instance, saying the problem is with your partner), and then you’ll try to fix things incorrectly.
So, put your beautiful mind to work and tell yourself the truth if you have caused resistance in your partner. If you’ve hurt them, humiliated them, disrespected them, ignored them, etc.
If this is the reason your partner cheated on you… it still doesn’t justify them. They should have broken up with you first before engaging in an affair. However, some partners feel the need to hurt their significant other. Others lack the courage to leave, and cheating serves as a form of resistance, a passive-aggressive act against a partner who mistreats them.
If this is the reason you cheated on someone, it will also be your path to introspection.
Do cheaters know what they have lost?
You Do Not Satisfy Your Partner in Some Aspects
Maybe your partner thinks you are inadequate in some area. You might be unable to engage in deep conversations or lack the physical attributes your partner desires.
- The question obviously arises here, whose fault is it then, but let’s say that it is still somewhat yours when you stay with a partner who is not satisfied with you.
This relates to narcissistic individuals, as they believe they have the right to do whatever they want simply because they don’t receive what they feel they deserve from their partner.
And being with narcissistic personalities is… well, I won’t prejudge anything, but this is unchangeable. They never see the fault in themselves and always focus on getting everything they want.
You Have Changed for the Worse
When people meet and connect, they do so based on certain fundamentals. For example, you might like your partner’s charm, and your partner might like your kindness. These are the things people prefer. That’s why they choose to enter a relationship and live together.
If a person decides to change something important to their partner, the partner may feel deceived and think they have the right to cheat as well.
- I once had a client who couldn’t stand the fact that his wife never lost weight after pregnancy. He was angry with her because she didn’t want to do it for him. He cheated on her with a fitness instructor.
- I also had a client whose husband became impotent due to alcohol consumption. She cheated on him because she was angry with him.
You Don’t Like Sex
And sex is essential for your partner. Maybe you’ve given up on sex or have some sexual problem?
The Problem Isn’t Anyone in Particular
Your match might just be wrong. And this is the most likely scenario.
The hypothesis is that your partner might be doing something that leads to cheating (e.g., really enjoying nightlife), and you accept it, or you do something, and your partner accepts it.
It’s fine when it’s done to a certain extent, but it’s easy to slip past that limit.
While the idea that one side is more responsible is valid, it is very difficult to draw a precise line on the percentages.
But here, I don’t want to further dig into the wound of the hurt person (you if you’ve been cheated on), but it wouldn’t be professional not to write this.
Is It Worth Staying With a Cheater?
External Circumstances Led to the Cheating
Many may disagree, arguing that a person should have self-control and be mindful of their actions. However, external factors have a significant impact and can always make that automatic and pleasurable part of us come out (Id).
Given that the Id exists in most people (some have subdued it), it can always be easily provoked, awakened, and pushed to do things they later won’t be proud of (cheat on their partner). The Id is a part of us.
Now, let’s list some of the external circumstances.
Another Person Aggressively Seduced Your Partner
Reasons why other people want your partner:
- The need for excitement. Forbidden fruit includes risk and adrenaline.
- Insecurity and Need for Validation: It’s a matter of low self-esteem. Conquering someone else’s partner can give them a sense of superiority over that person (even if they are strangers).
- Lack of Respect for Relationships: Some people do not respect the boundaries and values of monogamous relationships. They may be driven by their own desires regardless of the consequences for others.
- Emotional Needs: If they have unmet emotional needs and see your partner as someone who can fulfill them, they might not consider you. Their needs come first.
- Manipulativeness: In some cases, seducers can be manipulators who enjoy their control and power over others.
- Revenge Against You: The person might want to seduce your partner for some reason. Perhaps they envy you or want to hurt you.
Do Cheaters Feel Guilty or Remorseful?
Circumstances Aligned
You and your partner were in difficult circumstances, and an opportunity arose.
To be clear, I am not trying to justify your partner’s actions, but I call this a crack in the armor. If you were in a fight with your partner just before the infidelity, or they thought it was the definite end between you two, and another person came along to comfort them, or they were drunk or something else, it’s possible that this led to the infidelity.
This is the eternal question: did Ross cheat on Rachel? I am referring to tv sitcom Friends.
The Relationship is Long-Distance
According to this hypothesis, no long-distance relationship can survive separation, but that’s not true. However, long-distance relationships open up more possibilities. First, the person is incomparably more alone, not exposed to your influence, has more space to explore, have fun without you, face more challenges, etc.
A New Colleague Appeared at Work
This exposure encourages people to know each other more quickly and intimately. Furthermore, even people not inclined to let others get close to them have no choice here, which seems benign. Unfortunately, this approach is easy for many predators, charmers, manipulators, etc.
Influence of Alcohol or Drugs
Reduces inhibitions (restraint). It diminishes the influence of the superego, relaxes the ego, and amplifies the impact of the Id, which is out of control. However, tomorrow, when the superego kicks back in…
Why Does It Sting the Most When Our Partner Chooses Someone New Over Us?
Social and Cultural Influences
Social norms, values, and peer pressure can play a role. For example, if the person hangs out with people who encourage them to “live life” and “take everything life offers,” it can push them over the edge.
Or if they watch many romantic movies, go to parties where more accessible behavior is promoted, find themselves in situations where it’s easier to have fun…
These scenarios usually trigger cheating, which is often a combination of factors. I hope you found this text useful. Dee
