Psychological insights on relationships: rejections, breakups, making relationships happy, unhealthy dynamics, and general psychology.

Why Do People Fall Out Of Love Suddenly?

People rarely fall out of love suddenly. Love often fades over time, and the six cases listed below are mainly responsible for this. But there is one case when someone suddenly falls out of love. I’ve outlined that case below.

Couple breaking up

Short answer:

  1. You’re not what that person envisioned you to be
  2. They’ve met someone else
  3. You’ve done something unforgivable
  4. Some people are not capable of genuinely falling in love or loving someone
  5. Expectations are a common reason people fall out of love suddenly
  6. Different personal developments

To understand this, we must first grasp that people are complex, emotional, psychological, and hormonal beings primarily governed by their unconscious (psychological explanation) or certain parts of the brain (neneuroscientific explanation), and all of this collectively influences a person. For all these reasons, we fall in love (making an conscious – unconscious decision that this is the best person for us) and fall out of love (making an conscious – unconscious decision that this person is not for us).

The same goes for suddenly falling out of love.

Indian couple

The person who fell out of love made a complex emotional-psychological assessment and concluded that their partner wasn’t what they wanted. Perhaps they’re not as fun as they think. Or won’t provide the things they wanted. Or they don’t remind them of their childhood love, like their dad, for example (if we simplify this).

After that, the “sudden” falling out of love begins.

We gather evidence for what we believe because people seek evidence for what they believe. If they think someone is a great opportunity, they’ll look for evidence. If they believe someone is not quite right for them, they’ll find evidence for that.

Therefore, the sudden falling out of love usually started earlier; it’s an unconscious decision based on internal assessments and processes, reinforced by evidence for what we’ve already decided.

In simpler terms, if someone suddenly falls out of love, it’s likely because you don’t align with their inner needs.

But even more, simply put, we can identify a few typical reasons why people suddenly fall out of love:

You’re not what that person envisioned you to be

Man and woman break up

You’ve been tested for a while, and the person has acted convincingly in love with you because they wanted to secure themselves (in case a relationship happened by chance). They tried to make you like them. However, you’re different from what they wanted. This behavior is typical for the first two to three months of a relationship.

You are not what that person wants you to be. Or you don’t do something she wants you to do. It can easily be something that a person wants or values ​​for their own internal reasons. For example, she wants a protector like her father was, or he wants a sexy heroine that he sees on the Internet. These reasons can go even deeper and relate to very complex reasons and desires.

Therefore, it is very difficult to interpret what people want from us. People often do not know or do not want to say what they want from their partner, because they consider it shameful and unacceptable.

They’ve met someone else

This is the most typical reason for falling out of love.

Women are searching for a better man than their man, which relates to their survival and their offspring’s survival, i.e., evolutionary psychology. On some level, a woman has deemed her man not good enough.

  • It’s important to note that the person who “defeats” you doesn’t necessarily have to be objectively better. It’s enough that they’re considering him better for some internal reasons.

Men, on the other hand, fall in love with women who admire them and provide them with good sex. On some level, a man feels that his wife is not supportive enough or doesn’t appreciate who he is.

  • It’s interesting how many men I’ve talked to just want women to appreciate them and recognize their worth.

In both cases, the underlying motive could be pure opportunism and recognizing a chance for a better life with someone else.

  • Note: These are generally recognizable behaviors more often associated with that gender. They’re not strictly reserved for men or women.

Although this reason for leaving is the hardest for people (because they have been replaced by another person), it should not be seen that way. You are not being replaced by another person, but the other person is providing something that you may not want or cannot provide.
If you could or wanted to be that something – you would. More about it here.

How To Handle Rejection?

You’ve done something unforgivable

Black woman fall out of love

This is actually the one case that makes people suddenly stop loving you. And this is the only reason I know of—that someone can stop loving you in a matter of days or hours.

All other reasons are still a matter of a more extended period in which a person gives your love a chance.

I want to say that unforgivable things are easily recognizable and equally unforgivable to everyone, but they’re not. They can be small but very significant to that person, ranging from obvious big things, such as infidelity and financial misuse, to small internal things known only to that person.

The essence is that a partner can do something that causes the other partner to see them only and exclusively through that lens.

Since the person can no longer ignore the event, and also cannot continue to use mechanisms to pretend that the event is unimportant – he stops seeing his partner in a positive light and stops loving him. Let’s say this: the point of no return.

  • I once had a client who was dissatisfied with the gift she received from her boyfriend for her birthday. She considered the gift too cheap (relative to his capabilities) and told him so. After that, the boyfriend told her that he obviously couldn’t meet her standards and that it was best if they parted ways. They could never be together again because he began to see her through the lens of someone who wants expensive things, and therefore, he didn’t feel good around her.

There are many examples like this.

A person can suddenly fall out of love because the other person did something unacceptable. and what is at stake – that’s a matter of individual preferences.

How Do You Know When It’s Over?

Some people are not capable of genuinely falling in love or loving someone

Man and woman are sitting

There are different changes in a person that dictate this—altered personality, personality disorders, etc.

An altered personality can result from trauma, which causes a person to declare that loving someone is too painful or unnecessary. It’s also possible that a person protects themselves from hurt this way and doesn’t bond too deeply but only superficially.

On the other hand, because they were abandoned in childhood, some people find it very easy to leave their partners. They are used to it and have already experienced emotional abandonment many times.

In that case, under different circumstances, it’s easy and necessary to stop loving someone.

If a person senses they will be hurt or predicts such a thing due to past hurts (even though nothing is happening in reality), they can leave the relationship and use many mechanisms to convince themselves that they have done the right thing.

Couple breaking up

Personality disorders are also worth mentioning because falling out of love is typical for some personality disorders. Let’s take narcissists or borderlines, for example.

For instance, among my clients, I have many men who are in love with borderlines. Borderlines are extremely convincing in their behavior. They show much love towards men but quickly and easily reject people. With them, you can expect to be adored, hated, and rejected within 5 minutes.

Borderlines are unpredictable and have shallow emotions, but their portrayal is exceptional. They play their role of worship perfectly.

Narcissists, on the other hand, are known as opportunists. So when a narcissist stops getting something they believe you owe them, they stop bothering with you. Before that, you felt love from their side… which isn’t love but some honor that you’re with them.

But they are able to give a lot in some stages of the relationship in order to tie the person to themselves and then drain their resources.

  • A little trivia: anything they give you, they will take 10 times more in return.

Why does rejection hurt so much?

Expectations are a common reason people fall out of love suddenly

Man and woman breaking up

If a person has high expectations that don’t align with reality, they may become disappointed and reject their partner. For example, an immature person may want their life with their partner to look romantic.

It is good to mention that this kind of behavior is mostly related to immature people. Of course, except in cases where the other person made his partner think that some of his expectations would be fulfilled. In that case, the immature person is on the other side.

These expectations can be realistic, but the partner is unable to fulfill them. Or unrealistic, such that the partner cannot fulfill them.

So it can be about immature expectations or false promises.

Different personal developments

Given that we develop in different directions, if one person finds something that interests them more, it can decrease interest in the existing relationship and their partner.

For example, a person may pursue a hobby or get a job in a new field. Their partner may no longer seem as valuable now that they value themselves more.

Man and woman

Or, more benignly viewed, they may seem like someone who doesn’t understand them, although the first reason is more common. The partner can no longer keep up.

This is clearly not a fair or correct way of thinking, especially since the partner may not have acted this way when they were in a different position. Or the partner did not get his opportunity to develop in some direction.

But people often judge their partner relationship relative to the situation. The mistake is that they do not count on the fact that the situation will change sooner or later.

Why do I want someone who doesn’t want me?

Man and woman

These are the reasons that genuinely cause someone to fall out of love. All other reasons, although convincing (lack of communication, the person no longer attracts you, irreconcilable differences, etc.), essentially contain one of these reasons.

The essence is that our internal systems influence our decisions.

If things change in an unacceptable way for us, our internal processes will make us dislike that person—and vice versa, of course.

So, to find out why someone suddenly falls out of love, try to analyze the reasons mentioned above.

Depressed man

After that analysis, whichever reason you recognize shouldn’t determine your life don’t use it to judge that person. And don’t use it to “dwell” in it.(I wouldn’t even bother with reasons why someone fell out of love, because it wouldn’t affect their opinion. That’s not how people work.).

If you’ve already sought out reasons why someone fell out of love with you, it can satisfy your curiosity and free you. Also, it is something you recognize as irreparable. And this is it.

Any other use could be bad for you.

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