All my clients who wanted a relationship found it with nice people with whom they are happy. Only clients who did not want a relationship (for conscious, but mostly unconscious reasons) did not achieve it with someone. Analyze these reasons, and maybe you will find your answer to the question why no one wants you, so you can remove that block and create a good relationship.

Please don’t take it for granted because it seems boring or you think it doesn’t apply to you.

Since I’ve worked as a psychotherapist and counselor for years, I believe today marks the millionth time one of my clients has said: “No, that’s not my case” (because they don’t recognize it as the root of their problem. And they don’t recognize it because the most challenging things happen in our unconscious and subconscious, which govern us. The emphasis is on the unconscious).

Because of that, I ask you to think carefully about each of the reasons I’m going to list.

In one of these instances is the reason why “nobody wants you,” and then within it lies your solution (which, of course, I’ll provide in this blog post). So, let’s get started.

What Makes Someone Likeable | Psychology

1. You Have a List of Demands and Desires

Your partner should be:

• Attractive
• Tall
• Successful
• Fun…

I support lists, and you should have some criteria for the kind of partner you want. Because if it’s important to someone that their partner is attractive, it’s unlikely they’ll settle for someone not attractive.

However, people often have too many criteria that eliminate 95% of potential partners, which naturally raises the question, “Why doesn’t anyone want me?” But actually they think: why only these three people who I like don’t want me?

Also, you can only expect people to reveal some things about themselves on the first few dates. People will show certain traits, but remember that the person in front of you may be modest, really like you, and because of that is excited, or follow learned patterns that make them seem awkward or unnatural.

I’ve seen countless transformations, from boring people becoming interesting to serious individuals becoming humorous, etc.

So, by eliminating people just because they didn’t show something from your list on the first date, you’re also eliminating potential partners who are actually great, who you can work with on things you don’t like, and who want you.

And since we already know by now that I’m not going to forbid you from wanting what you want, I suggest we tweak your list of demands a bit.

My suggestions are:

What your list of desirable traits should look like

Create a list of only 5 important, non-negotiable characteristics you can’t live without. For example, if you want a partner who’s 6’5″ tall or an influencer partner, let that be part of your 5 uncompromising demands.

The rest should be things you’d like your partner to have but that you’re willing to work on together. If your partner dresses poorly, you can always help them improve their wardrobe and look how you prefer.

Give the person 5 dates

The idea here is to give the person time to open up. Because you agreed to go on five dates with them, they’ll relax (because they feel desired and safe) and start showing who they truly are. Maybe, at the end of the day, they are indeed funny or something else.

Be curious about the person. Ask them questions:

• So they can tell you more about themselves
• So you can discover something unexpectedly interesting about them
• So you can connect. The more you know about someone, the closer you become, which can naturally lead to a relationship.

Always look for reasons for the next date

Additional advice: Five different people X five dates with each, gives you 25 dates. Only really terrible dates should be cut short to less than five. With people who seem okay, you should try to go out five times because you never know what you’ll discover about them (many of my clients didn’t click with someone until the fifth date).

What Makes a Person Attractive | Psychology

2. Nobody Wants You Because Subconsciously You Don’t Want a Relationship

This is such a common occurrence in my profession. People claim they want a relationship, but subconsciously, they don’t.

The most common reasons are:

• Fears are based on past bad experiences—personal ones or those of close people, like parents who used to fight, etc.

• Prejudices (Client: I think I’d get bored in a relationship).

• Doubt in one’s adequacy – If no one wanted me so far, why would anyone want me now?

• Self-doubt – due to low self-esteem and a poor self-image.

All these reasons can be stored in your subconscious. And our subconscious governs our conscious mind.

If your subconscious harbors a fear of rejection or the belief that relationships, in general, are terrible, you will find all kinds of reasons not to approach them.

• My client, afraid that relationships will be boring, said about a potentially suitable suitor that she doesn’t have time to see him right now because she’s too busy with work.

People who subconsciously don’t want relationships don’t go on dates, find flaws in partners, and set up obstacles to forming a relationship.

Such “programs” are most effectively resolved in psychotherapy or, even better, psychoanalysis. But if you haven’t decided on that, you can force yourself to pursue what you consciously want.

For example, if you consciously want a relationship but subconsciously don’t, you’ll need to try to pursue a relationship despite the obstacles you’re putting in front of yourself.

At first, this will be very difficult, and on dates, you’ll look for reasons to leave, but try at every step to overcome the subconscious mechanisms that push you to abandon the relationship and leave the date.

Because if you don’t do this, you’ll always walk away from dates.

This also includes other obstacles to relationships:

• Fatal loves
• Searching for a soulmate
• Attachment to parents (the parent is the “true love”)
• Infatuation with ex-partners, etc.

These cases fall into the semi-conscious realm and are essentially about someone already having an emotional connection that they return to every time they want a real relationship, but it doesn’t work out, or when they’re scared, lazy, etc.

An Important Conversation We Need to Have With Ourself

3. You’re Projecting Desperation, Not Confidence

They say fear has its scent. Desperation has its scent, too. It’s sensed in your demeanor, inauthenticity, laughter, gaze… it’s felt.

Because no one has wanted you for a long time, you may become desperate and project that during dates, and desperation is noticeable.

Desperation (among other things) comes from damaged self-confidence.

Your confidence might have been destroyed much earlier, and in that case, I suggest you read these articles: Big Talk With Ourselves About Our Parents and How Can I Learn To Love Myself: Exact Steps

But if your confidence has been damaged due to failures in the dating world, then I’d like to emphasize a few points:

1. The dating world is challenging, and it comes with a lot of rejection.

According to my professional statistics, for every 20 rejections, there is one successful relationship. That means you must endure being told 20 times, “You’re not good enough for me.”

If your ego is in poor shape, each rejection will “destroy” you or paralyze you for some time. As a result, you won’t go through other dates to get to the one where things will work with a partner.

2. Dating is a numbers game.

The more you date, the greater your chances of finding the right person.

Please don’t compare yourself to individuals (your acquaintances, friends, etc.) who quickly found their perfect partner.

• First, you wouldn’t be with people who are perfect for your friends.
• Second, some people get luckier.
• Third, you don’t know how perfect those relationships really are.

3. Finding a partner takes time

Because you only need one good partner with whom you can have a lasting relationship. That means everyone else has to drop out, which fits into the statistics.

What I want to say is:

If you understand all these things well, they should help reduce your tension and desperation, which may (probably) stem from the belief that this only happens to you.

Rejection, loneliness, and countless attempts happen to everyone. They’re part of the statistics, and people who understand and accept this, and keep moving forward precisely because of that, always end up finding someone for themselves.

From my experience, only people who didn’t want to find someone for themselves (it’s the worst when they consciously wish to have a partner but subconsciously don’t) didn’t find someone. Everyone who truly wanted a partner found one.

Maybe this sentence can help you: the goal of the first date is to lead to a second date, the goal of the second date is to lead to a third date, and so on.

Therefore, instead of letting your inner demons consume you on dates, try to make the other person want to go on the next date with you.

How To Build Self-Confidence: Tips From a Professional

4. You Want Chemistry or the Perfect Partner

The reason for this is often the impact of the media. Somehow, you’ve convinced yourself that perfect partners can be found or that love equals passion or chemistry.

These beliefs often come from the media (depictions of perfect love on Instagram, movies that portray idealized love, etc.).

• As one therapist said, two complex people are trying to create something very complex called a relationship.

In short, I suggest you rethink your ideas, and instead of looking for a person with whom you will have a perfect relationship, create that relationship with the person.

As for chemistry, in some ways, it’s similar but with a chemical response 😊.

Recognizing someone as the ideal partner comes from unconscious needs (the person unconsciously reminds you of someone, for example), which leads to an emotional response and chemistry, that is, the hormonal response.

You could say that you feel chemistry not with your ideal partners but with people who remind you of the love you saw in childhood (that woman is gentle like mom, that man has a gaze like dad – this is a simplified version, but I hope it paints the picture).

That’s why—forget about chemistry. In your chemical reaction, there could be very unhealthy things.

Literally, every psychotherapist would put their head in their hands when someone says, “But we have chemistry,” because they know that chemistry comes from the unconscious, and the unconscious is often very, very dangerous and polluted.

8 Qualities to Look For In Your Life Partner?

5. You Focus on Minor Flaws

“Dee… I rejected people because they had the wrong name.” testimony from one of my clients.

When we’re young, beautiful, desirable, and full of potential, we have the luxury of a wide range of choices, which change relatively quickly. During that time, we dismiss excellent partners and focus on those we consider perfect (they have the correct name… Did you know that this thing with names—choosing or rejecting based on names—isn’t uncommon?).

I suggest not eliminating partners who fit your top five criteria over minor details.

Doing so will significantly expand the pool of potential candidates for a relationship.

Don’t be a snob, don’t be dismissive, and don’t be superficial. By doing so, you are only sabotaging yourself… Small things can cost you a lot.

How To Maintain Good Relationship

6. The Reasons Why People Reject You Are Unfortunately About You

Short version:

1. Acknowledge it to yourself.
2. Work on it.

Longer version:

People, for ego reasons, cannot admit to themselves that they are wrong or inadequate. And this affects their entire life (in this case, reducing the chance of finding a partner).

According to Freud’s teachings, the role of the ego (not the colloquial understanding of ego as vanity) is self-preservation, meaning the ego tries to maintain a positive self-image and self-esteem.

When something threatens that image and self-esteem, the ego is wounded and tries to justify us—to ourselves.

And because of that vicious circle, we never get to correct the things that, in this case, drive people away. Because we can’t admit them to ourselves, the ego rejects them.

There’s also the instance where, if we admit these things to ourselves, we must acknowledge our past mistakes.

• For example, I am a conflict-prone person. I admit that to myself now. But that meant I rejected many good partners because I was too aggressive.

Here, I can use an example of how the ego whispers: You’re not confrontational; it’s just that everyone else is rude and attacks you.

However, suppose you admit to yourself certain characteristics (physical or psychological) that make you inadequate for a partner (or only suitable for a small number of people you might not want—conflict-prone people may appeal to those who like conflict). In that case, you can work on fixing them.

Admitting to yourself is indeed 50-60% of the work precisely because breaking through the ego’s barriers is so hard.

How Can I Learn To Love Myself: Exact Steps

7. Superficial or Social Ideas

Many studies have been done on this topic. People are willing to accept a partner who is well-liked by their social circle and reject one who is not. It’s extremely important for us to be socially accepted and approved.

This also includes whether your family will like the partner.

The paradox of too many choices causes people to give up on everyone. When people enter a store and see too many options, they often leave because they can’t decide what they want to buy.

You’ll quickly find another partner if you dismiss all of these… first ones. However, good partners aren’t roaming freely in the market and are hard to find. If you see someone good enough, I suggest holding onto them, turning off the apps, and investing the energy you’d spend on swiping into building what you need with that partner. This brings us back to point number 1 in this post.

However, if you’re after partners that everyone else wants, it means you’re competing with a vast crowd, and none of you know what this person wants for themselves. Therefore, the results are uncertain, and the time and energy spent could be enormous.

You could do something better with your time and energy. You could try with someone from that 98% and spend your time and energy turning that person into your ideal partner—someone that everyone else may want.

Take note – many ideal partners are people whom someone else has helped turn into that 😉

Unfortunately, life is accurate, and we achieve what we do in the real world and reality, not what we fantasize about.

Obsessed  With Someone

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As you can see, if nobody wants you, there is plenty of work you can do. But it also seems that there are many solutions. You just need to work on these things: understand yourself, stop yourself in specific actions, motivate yourself, overcome yourself, and invest time into this.

As I said at the beginning, these suggestions and recommendations come from professional experience and are filtered to be helpful to you.

I hope they are and that they help you achieve an excellent romantic relationship. Dee