Certain personality types tend to lose love quickly. In the text, I explain their psychological profiles, the processes that people go through with them in relationships, and solutions for regaining love that has suddenly disappeared.
So, Love Disappears…
My Spouse Has Fallen Out Of Love With Me, Empty Love Relationships
When love disappears suddenly, it is usually related to the idealization and devaluation to which certain types of partners are prone.
In this blog post we will discuss what these types are and, along with the potential for such a person to regain their love for you.
How Idealization and Devaluation Work
📌 Idealization works by attributing only positive traits to a person and unjustifiably considering them perfect.
The interesting thing about idealization is that a person is idealized because our ego expects it of us. Our ego claims we are great and that only the best things belong to us, so the person we choose must be ideal.
To maintain the image of perfection, traits are added to the person as needed, and traits that spoil this image are removed.
If you idealize someone, with a little effort, you can surely recognize what you added to that person that they certainly do not possess.
If you were the idealized one, you might have wondered how your partner sees you.
In that case, you almost certainly enjoyed how your partner perceived you, which is usually a dangerous trap.
From my experience working with clients, this is the part that people find the hardest. They often call it the sudden disappearance of love—when their partner stops viewing them as ideal.
Being someone’s ideal person is a very pleasant experience. In essence, one doesn’t need to exert any effort; all they need to do is exist and have someone love them.
And of course, in such beautiful (and rare) moments, no one considers whether the idealization will vanish or how long it will last. The partner acts enthusiastically without any sign that they could think anything less than ideal of you. Also, over time and with enough reassurance, you start to believe you’re incredible, so everything aligns nicely.
However, as you will see in the list below, idealization can last longer for some people, but it inevitably ends for everyone.
When the period of idealization passes, just as it was unfounded and built in someone’s mind, an equally unfounded devaluation occurs. Then all positive traits are stripped away, leaving only the negative ones. Or at least the negatives become so significant (you don’t wipe the water in the bathroom after showering, for instance) that they become insurmountable, and the partner wants to break up. As in: love disappeared because of something you did.
When you read this text, you likely think all this is… childish and immature. However, it’s common because it’s linked to certain personality types.
In the text, we will also address what solutions you have for each personality type.
How To Maintain Good Relationship
Which Personality Types Are Prone to Idealization and Sudden Loss of Love
Romantic Personalities
These individuals are prone to idealization due to their strong desire for romance. Since they often fantasize about finding the perfect partner, they readily attribute all other necessary qualities to them when they mark someone as suitable.
Because they want to find the perfect person, they create one.
A person deemed perfect is expected to fulfill their emotional needs. When it turns out that a partner cannot do this (at least not every time), they suddenly become impaired as they fail to maintain the romantic ideal. Partners become boring, unfair, and even corrupted. The good traits they possess are stripped away, i.e., they are no longer recognized.
Romantic personalities develop by getting “stuck” in immaturity. Romanticizing falls under the realm of imagination, which is something children are prone to.
People don’t give up romantic ideas because they are pleasant. They make the world, which is usually very practical and not very easy, seem like a more exciting place where fairy tales exist.
Romance is, in a way, an escape from reality.
Therefore, if a person realizes that their romantic idea of life is actually ruining their life, they may give up that idea.
This is a difficult transition, but it is possible.
What you can do is gently explain to the person (or yourself) that things don’t have to be made-up to be beautiful and good. They are even nicer and more tangible when you tweak them a little in reality. In that case, they can last a long time.
Love disappears suddenly in:
Neurotics, and Fearful People
Since neurotics are essentially afraid, they can idealize people they perceive as powerful, protectors, or leaders. The obvious problem here is that the person must refrain from showing signs of weakness because they will lose credibility with their neurotic.
Neurotics need to be brought back to reality from both sides.
First, reassure them that things are not as scary as they imagine, and second, be a strong figure who will take care of and solve their problems.
In this way, you can obviously remain an ideal person for your neurotic for a long time.
However, if you’ve already “messed up” and shown signs of weakness, don’t worry—you just need to show exceptional strength again.
If you are neurotic, and your partner has shown signs of weakness, explain verbally to them what they need to do (and continue to do), and your relationship will have a chance again.
Is my relationship worth fighting for?
Love could disappear suddenly in:
Perfectionists
Interestingly, they weigh and evaluate partners a lot, so when they determine someone is ideal… they believe they have been assessed correctly. They seek perfection and strive to approach it, and their choices are closest to their measure of perfection.
Perfectionism arises from the need to keep life under control. If a person finds the perfect partner for themselves, they may think that things will get even better, that their partner will help them keep things under control, that they have found someone similar to themselves, etc.
However, when it turns out that this is not the case, the person begins to look at their perfect partner very critically (and even with disdain) for their imperfections, and then the love suddenly disappears.
Perfectionism is traditionally treated in psychotherapy by understanding the cause of its development and providing the person with techniques to combat it.
If you are a perfectionist and have just discovered that your partner is not perfect, I recommend that you start by focusing on their good qualities until you resolve this issue with yourself. For those not-so-perfect traits, help your partner bring them to the necessary state for you. For the unfixable ones, I recommend adjusting your expectations with the help of psychotherapy.
You see, my dear ones, perfectionism is a very burdensome life idea because things are not perfect, and chasing perfection is exhausting and never brings satisfaction. Never.
Is it true that if you love someone, let them go?
People with Low Self-Esteem and Confidence
When you have low self-esteem and confidence, everyone else seems better than you.
People who see themselves in a very negative light don’t have a good benchmark for others. They simply can’t see others’ flaws because flaws are reserved only for them, and everyone else, in some way, possesses incredible qualities.
Moreover, if they manage to get close to an ideal partner, it means to them that:
- The partner will protect them.
- They have some worth.
- They will learn from their partner how to be great and emulate it, etc.
The reason why love suddenly disappears for such people is because the partner shows weakness, meaning they are not as strong, brilliant, smart, or beautiful as initially thought. A common reason is that someone else outshines the partner. At that point, people with low self-esteem and confidence start to see their partner as weak simply because they don’t have criteria for themselves, so they can’t have criteria for others either.
It’s relatively easy to maintain a relationship with such people by boosting their confidence. In this case, it’s not done artificially but with the best intentions for the person. The focus should be on the person’s values and qualities.
In this way, you truly become a rare person who sees their worth and is willing to make an effort for them, making it easy to maintain the status of an ideal person for them long-term.
If you didn’t understand this concept and found yourself in a situation where your partner’s love for you suddenly disappeared, try to rekindle it by boosting their self-esteem and confidence.
Also, I recommend positioning yourself as the ultimate source of that feeling.
When to fight for a relationship and when to leave it?
Love disappears suddenly in:
People Who Fear Rejection
Such people are usually in this state for three reasons.
1. Because they were once rejected in life. They idealize everyone who rejects them, just as they once idealized the object that rejected them (perhaps a parent or some other important figure).
The dynamic is that you are ideal as long as you are not interested in me. The moment you become interested, you stop being ideal, and the love suddenly disappears.
2. The second reason they idealize their partner is also the belief that if they give a lot, the partner will not reject them. However, this gives a lot that has no criteria or measure, making it unsustainable in the long run. They exhaust their resources and get tired, then need to change the idea.
3. The third reason is their attempt to ignore the partner’s flaws to stay in the relationship and avoid rejection. Ah, yes, we humans are complex beings.
The solution for such people lies in assuring them they won’t be rejected, which is difficult since the root of this fear goes deep, probably back to childhood.
With a strong personality and possibly good psychotherapy, this fear can be resolved. It requires encouraging the partner to express their views openly without fear and reassuring them that they are safe despite this.
Should You stay In your Relationship?
People With an Addictive Personality Type
or dependent personality traits.
People with dependent personality traits tend to rely on others for emotional support and security. They idealize their partners because they believe they are the only source of happiness and stability.
The problem with dependents is that they trap their partners with their behavior and draw them into their dynamic. Therefore, they remain as long as the partner is willing to stay in this dynamic. However, when the partner desires freedom or change, the dependent must transfer their dependent behavior to another object. They need something to cling to so they don’t sink, like a ship on a dock. Okay, ships don’t tie to docks to avoid sinking, but you get the idea 🙂.
As long as you present yourself and act as their emotional refuge and strength, you can be safe with them.
If you have addictive traits, addiction treatment centers are a good place to seek help. But also (my recommendation; I don’t expect you to agree with this), a good idea for you could be a calm, non-demanding religion, a hobby, a job, education, or some other way of enrichment that will be your safe place. The idea is to bring you something good while being something you can emotionally lean on.
📌To be clear, I don’t advocate maintaining dependent or addictive personality traits, but one school of thought in psychology claims these traits are unchangeable, so I follow that instance. I am not an expert on addiction disorders.
When Should You Stop Trying in a Relationship?
People with Narcissistic Traits
Of course, their love suddenly disappears.
Though it seems paradoxical, narcissists can idealize others at the beginning of a relationship to later feel superior when their partners fail to meet their unrealistic standards.
The dynamic is such that the narcissist idealizes the person (known as love bombing: “You are so amazing. You deserve everything I want to give you.”). After that, (very quickly), they test the person. When it turns out that the person cannot pass the narcissist’s tests, they must be devalued.
This is yet another way for narcissists to prove their superiority over others.
Thought process: Even this person, whom I considered ideal, is not as good as I am.
Narcissists also idealize people in power because they believe they belong to that circle. However, as soon as they get into such circles, they start seeing those people as incompetent, bad, despicable, frauds, etc. One could say that love suddenly disappears.
Unfortunately, this is a group with which there is never a happy ending because they always find a way to be right. That is their main characteristic.
Your Partner Broke Up With You—What Are Your Solutions?
People Prone to Fantasizing
People with a rich inner world and who are prone to daydreaming often idealize others.
The first reason is that they see them as characters from their fantasies instead of real people with flaws.
The second reason is that they don’t have enough touch with reality, as they are engrossed in their fantasies and imagination.
When it turns out that their partner brings reality into their life, that they are a real person, and that reality is sometimes difficult, they lose interest in the person. Because in their fantasies, there are so many better people for them.
It is also specific to them that they can be emotionally committed to a person in their fantasy while not loving the same person much (or even at all) in reality. And as strange as it sounds, there are quite a few such people. They are functional and not easily recognized, but you have surely met them.
Devaluation is inevitable here because they constantly turn to their fantasies, even if the person tries to maintain their exceptional status in their eyes. Simply put, no one can compete with what’s in their head.
The problem with such people is that reality is unacceptable for some reason (maybe it’s tedious, dangerous, complicated, or something else), so the easiest thing is to escape into the world of fantasies.
The solution for such people is gradually bringing them back to reality, but the results are questionable since, as I said, they are already functional—just emotionally detached from this world.
How to Keep Your Dignity in Relationship
People with Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD)
With borderlines, everything is intense. They have intense emotions and reactions and, therefore, are impulsive and make risky decisions. Part of their character is idealization (which you have probably never experienced) and devaluation (which you likely never expected).
Dating or cohabiting with borderlines is very exciting, and that’s why people fall in love with them. My clients often describe experiences with borderlines as the most intense love experiences. The most common sentence is: “No one has ever looked at me like that.” Therefore, people often want to return to relationships with borderlines because they have never experienced such adoration.
But, just as unreasonably as it appeared, borderline love just as quickly disappears.
The chance of rekindling a love that suddenly vanished is high… but one must always be aware that it will disappear again and likely return, and so on.
Borderlines recycle people, so you can hope for their return, bringing you those strong emotions again.
However, don’t get too comfortable with them.
If you have borderline characteristics, seek professional help. Because another characteristic of borderline is the fear of abandonment, and your departures constantly fuel that fear (which is why you keep returning to people, unable to bear the idea of separating from someone even if you initiated it). And that is a harrowing life.
Recently, there have been indications of successful therapies for Borderline Personality Disorder, so it would be a shame to live harder and more painfully than you need to.
Partner Falls In Love With Someone Else – What To Do
In Conclusion
At the beginning of the text, I said it’s lovely to be someone’s ideal person. It’s wonderful when someone sees us as exceptional and incapable of making mistakes. It’s equally wonderful for people who idealize when they finally find their person. They also get to enjoy their fantasies.
However, no matter how much you and they enjoy it, this fantasy must end by nature.
Love disappears suddenly because the person suddenly sees who their partner really is. As soon as a crack appears in the ideal armor the person has created, the whole armor falls apart. It simply isn’t built on anything sustainable and is, therefore, unstable.
Thus, as hard as it is for people who are left without their admirers, it is equally challenging for those who stop admiring because their fantasy gets destroyed every now and then, and they have to start all over again.
As exciting as it is, being somewhere in the middle is better (and less painful). To love less intensely but firmly, long, strong, reliably, and grounded in reality.
Love you. Dee
