Psychological insights on relationships: rejections, breakups, making relationships happy, unhealthy dynamics, and general psychology.

7 Reasons Why People Who Rejected You Come Back

There is only one positive reason why people who rejected you come back later. However, this text is optimistic because it exposes the returnees. And when we see them, we can finally degrade them to the level they deserve and give up on them.

A man and a woman are sitting next to each other and breaking up

We are talking here about people who come back after a while.

These “fast returners”, who get angry and contact you relatively quickly, obviously love you… but they punished you a bit, etc.

The second category is people who are so stubborn and can hold grudges for so long that it’s a good question whether you should be/get back into a relationship with them. Because they can blackmail you endlessly with their endurance.

Those who casually come and go are problematic. We talk about them in this text.

2 Psychological Reasons Behind Obsession After Rejection

  1. They wonder if they still have a chance with you.
  2. It’s a personality disorder
  3. They’re bored
  4. They wonder if you have changed
  5. They experienced an ego injury somewhere else
  6. You have done something interesting, valuable or intriguing
  7. They save you for later

Also:

  • Why someone else’s return is usually not good or successful
  • Red flags when someone returns

1. They wonder if they still have a chance with you.

This curiosity usually stems from narcissistic, borderline, or histrionic personality traits, which I will address separately. However, the reason for reaching out is to boost their ego and see if they can have people whenever they want.

The background is evident: they feel worthless until they get confirmation that they are indeed valuable. This insight can help you see such personalities more clearly and degrade them internally; because they don’t have a good opinion of themselves either.

A beautiful woman is standing

Such personalities are generally not interested in how the other side feels but often empathize with other people’s suffering as proof of love or entertainment.

Interestingly, as soon as they realize they have a chance with you, they have to leave because the fact that you still want them has degraded you. Don’t forget: they don’t like themselves, so you’re weird for liking them. Also, you’re funny to them because you always let them back into your life.

2. It’s a personality disorder

For narcissistic personalities, it’s widely known that they want people to admire them, so any admiration is welcome.

  • I emphasize that there is a difference between a narcissistic personality and a narcissistic personality disorder, but the symptoms overlap.

They tend to keep people in their lives not only for admiration but also for exploitation. It’s known that they lead a parasitic lifestyle, so if they’ve returned to ask for something from you, you might be dealing with a narcissist.

Man and woman in toxic relationship

Borderlines are unpredictable and impulsive. They can return the same way they leave: without explanation or reason. They idealize and devalue people in the same way. Therefore, their returns mean nothing because they will leave again very quickly. They have strong emotions, so in moments of return, they show love, but in moments of departure, they show hate.

Histrionics constantly need someone to prove that they are worthy. They attract attention to themselves and like to be in the spotlight. To attract attention, they will do anything: undress, offer sex, or flirt. They are recognizable by the fact that they sexualize everything. Also, they are very dramatic, all to attract attention. Everything they do has a hint of flirtatiousness, and they are frequently very pleasant to be around. Don’t rely on this, they do it with everyone, and it only serves their purpose.

  • People often wonder what the basic difference is between borderlines and histrions, so it’s helpful to mention that borderlines are much more expressive in their emotions. They suffer more, one would say, and are more prone to suicide. Histrionics generally threaten to attract attention.

How to stop obsessing over rejection

3. They’re bored

Man and woman in relationship

This is the third reason why people who rejected you come back.

It constantly surprises me how many people lack content in their lives and what they do out of boredom. I must also say that this is more of a female trait for the simple reason that women are more oriented towards social interactions, and they kill their boredom with it (think of coffee dates and endless conversations women have), but of course, it can also be a male trait. However, when people are bored, they do anything, including reaching out to people they have interacted with.

Recognize whether boredom is the motive behind the person’s behavior. If the person has no specific reason for reaching out, has nothing to say, and disappears after some time without explanation, don’t romanticize it. It is a matter of instant boredom, so they are recognized by the speed of departure. They probably had nothing else to do, so they opted for this kind of entertainment.

4. They wonder if you have changed

A man and a woman are sitting next to each other

They have suppressed the previous reasons for separation and are open enough to check if there have been changes with you.

The hypothesis is that there was initially an attraction, but there was something about you or something you did that they didn’t like.

This can be an optimistic sign if it’s a decent, good person. But if it’s a selfish person, it’s not a good thing because it means they will only agree to be with you if you meet all their demands.

If it’s the first type of person (someone who was waiting for you to change), as I said in this text, if you change something, make an effort to keep it. Otherwise (if you revert to your old self), your behavior will be interpreted as deceit, and that will probably be the last time they give you a chance.

However, if it’s the second type of person (selfish), returning to you can be interpreted as training you to behave the way they demand. Obviously, there’s no end to this because they can change their demands as much as they want, and you will have to fulfill them, or they will leave.

5. They experienced an ego injury somewhere else

A beautiful woman thinking

A typical thing that is very easy to recognize is when a person talks about what recently hurt their ego (another person, an event, they have a problem you can solve, etc.). The essence is that they seek confirmation from you that they are better than they currently think of themselves. They want you to praise them, refute what was said about them, and even take their side.

You can recognize them as quite passive in their approach. They tell you what hurts them; in a way, injustice has been done to them, and they passively wait for you to tell them that they are better, more beautiful, and more desirable than they currently think of themselves. The irony is clearly that someone else has hurt their ego, and it’s often your competition that they value more than you and who treats them… so coincidentally they treat you.

The person knows that you are in love with them and knows that they will get ego comfort from you. Your role is to tell them that they are wonderful, that they still matter, that they are desirable, etc. After you apply bandages to their ego, such a person leaves healed.

6. You have done something interesting, valuable or intriguing

Attractive man laughing

They managed to see it on your social media or hear about it. Maybe you’ve become rich, famous, or bought a good car.

The person returns to see if they can benefit from any of your resources (for example, if you’ve become more attractive at the gym, they want to walk around with you to show off who they can be with if they want to).

It is worth noting that this person, whatever you have become, has not and will not change their mind about you. If you have become more important to the rest of the world, she will still see you the way she saw you before. I explain this further down in the text. But that person can stay with you for a long time, draining your resources.

Woman Overcome rejection

And now you either have a person who is with you and doesn’t want you, so he cheats on you, humiliates you, treats you badly, etc. Or the person who stays with you for a short time because they basically see you as bad.

Another possibility is that they are coming back to check if you, the improved one, still want them.

7. They save you for later

This is just a plan, which practically never succeeds. Because they’re constantly looking for someone they’ll really like, but they’ve judged you as someone they can use. That’s why they keep coming back, just to keep you interested. But they don’t fundamentally want to be with you and will be with many others before settling on you.

Neither of these two reasons guarantees staying together.

Why someone else’s return is usually not good or successful

It’s important for you to understand that none of these reasons for someone’s return will change your chances with that person. People don’t function that way.

Man and woman in love

People find it hard to change their opinions about others. To change them for real and to stay in a relationship with them, radical and fundamental changes in you are needed, as well as maintaining them in the long run.

And even when you do that, people will always revert back to the old dynamics. If you were chasing after that person and doing whatever they wanted, they would have no interest in giving that up. Therefore, they will try to:

  • Ignore your changes
  • Revert your old behavior in every possible way (to put you back into the same subordinate role you were in)
  • Recreate the old dynamics with the new you.

You must understand that no one is interested in changing dynamics in a way that makes them worse off. If they were the object of your adoration, why would they give that up and put you in a better place, where you won’t adore them as much anymore?

That’s why the general recommendation is not to return to people who return to you. The underlying motives are usually not good, and the dynamics usually stay the same.

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Red flags when someone returns:

  • Leaves and returns all the time
  • There’s a gap longer than five days between returns (so they weren’t afraid you’d give up on them)

*Note: Some people maintain this distance for a long time because they’re stubborn and want you to admit fault. Although this sounds good (compared to other items listed), you’re dealing with a personality with no compromise. They can hold their grudge for a long time, and they’re ready to punish both you and themselves. It’s a very inflexible personality, so you’ll have dealings with them in life.

I mean, what can we say about a person who is able to punish himself? Why shouldn’t she punish you much more cruelly?

  • No explanation for the return
  • There is no plan to work on improving your relationship
  • You don’t feel loved or respected

The only time it’s okay to return to someone who wants to try again is when that person:

  • It comes with precise demands for you
  • Admits their part of the blame and suggests changes for themselves
  • Have a plan on how you’ll work on your relationship
  • Makes an effort to implement that plan together
  • Doesn’t give up when things don’t go according to plan
  • Even if they impulsively leave, they come back very quickly because they’re afraid of losing you in the meantime
  • Expresses respect and admiration for you, which makes them want to stay together

I hope this text helped you better understand returnees.

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