Psychological insights on relationships: rejections, breakups, making relationships happy, unhealthy dynamics, and general psychology.

Why Would Someone Who Loves Me Leave Me?

Because of inner world, Habits and needs; The reason lies within you; Something is stuck in their heads; That one personality trait, You may not be the ideal person for that partner, and Selfishness: These are reasons why someone leaves you even though they love you.

Man-and-woman-break-up

Why We Are In Love With Someone – Psychological Explanation

Two important instances for a better understanding of this text:

1. When people leave you, even though they love you, they’ll often blame you for that. That’s why you can’t get to the truth about why you’ve been left.
You are analyzing the wrong person (yourself) instead of your partner.

2. Most often, the reason why people break up and love each other is not just one, but a combination of several reasons. You can always count on a combination of some reason and the inner world.

Why do I want someone who doesn’t want me?

We all have our inner world, where something resides

Man and woman break up

Imagine someone who unconsciously believes that forming attachments to people is very difficult and burdensome. They remember their mom suffering with dad and their grandparents arguing. Also, someone once told them they weren’t lovable.

A good example could also be insecurity in a partner. Due to their personal insecurity, their cohabitation with another person becomes unbearable. If, for instance, they think they’re unattractive, they’ll start finding signs that their partner also feels they’re unattractive.

  • One of my clients went through a very ugly divorce from his parents, and then, at 15, his girlfriend left him for his best friend. Because of that, he developed attachment issues.

Our inner world, our Unconscious Mind, governs us. It decides whether we are safe in some place or not. In reality, we may be safe, but our Unconscious Mind does not operate on the principles of reality but rather on what it has learned in the past. If it judges that we need to get out of some relationship, because it seems dangerous or uncomfortable to them, it will force it. The partner’s exceptionality will have no influence on that decision.

Man and woman break up

This means that they may love you very much, but leaving you might seem like the best solution to avoid getting hurt.

Explanations for why someone leaves you even though they love you:

  • The person may love you but leave you for reasons in their inner world.
  • They’re insecure, afraid of commitment, don’t trust you, etc.

How To Make Your Ex Regret Leaving You

The relationship fell apart because of that person’s habits and needs

Man after break up

That person can’t resist their habits and needs. Let’s say that a person is prone to gambling, loves spending a lot of time at sports games, or, for some inner reasons, feels the need for multiple partners. Naturally, you perceive this as cheating (which it is), but there are underlying internal reasons.

You could somehow hinder them from doing what they usually do, so they had to leave you.

The person might love you very much, but they can’t resist their impulses. There’s a hypothesis about the addictive mind and the idea that people with an addiction can never fully recover. I’m not entirely sure about that, but the hypothesis exists.

Of course, it confuses you that the person can’t choose love and you over the things they persistently do. But that doesn’t change anything—neither the person’s love nor their need for what they usually do.

Explanations for why someone leaves you even though they love you:

  • The person may love you but leave you because their habits prevail
  • It’s more important for them to keep them than to be in a relationship.

People’s needs, often overpowering the need for love.

Black couple breaking up

Take, for instance, someone who can love another while simultaneously doing things that don’t sit well with their partner or aren’t conducive to their relationship. Like spending all the money from their partner’s account (I had a case like that in my career. The girl loved her husband dearly but recklessly spent money on her own needs until they went bankrupt). Or they were loving their partner while endlessly criticizing them.

Some of the needs are: For a lot of fun, for an exciting life that excludes partnership, the need for many different partners, the need for freedom, the need for more material resources, etc.

What Is The Best Way to handle Rejection

The relationship fell apart because of you

Couple breaking up

The person really loves you, but you have done or are still doing things they can’t overlook. These things don’t have to be drastic (like cheating or embezzlement), but they can be deal-breakers for your partner. It could be that…you tell your mother things from your intimate life, or you have a little bad hygiene, etc.

You might not have even known, and your partner didn’t explicitly mention that they wouldn’t accept those things, but it turned out they couldn’t.

Some people don’t talk much about themselves, and it’s more assumed that their partner reads their minds. That’s why they spend time gathering information about that person, and when enough negative information accumulates, they leave the person they love. And they feel this is completely valid.

They might even love that person very much, but they can’t get past certain things.

  • For example, it might be essential to someone that you love their dog, but you generally don’t like dogs. Or you’re temperamental or argumentative by nature, while your partner prefers someone with a calmer temperament. Because of that one thing, they might give up on your relationship.

Here, the biggest issue arises if your partner didn’t tell you what bothers them and if the breakup caught you off guard.

Man

Another big problem here is if your partner tells you at the time of the breakup that these things bothered him. Not before. In that case, you are left to blame yourself, and you may overlook additional reasons why your partner left you.

Explanations for why someone leaves you even though they love you:

  • The person may love you but leave you because you’re doing something they don’t like.
  • You were really doing something they didn’t like. You flirt with someone, have different ideas about life, go to parties a lot, etc.

The Best Way To Make Someone Regret Leaving You

You don’t know what’s in their heads

Another client of mine decided to get married at the age of 40. That’s what his uncle did. Until Uncle was 40, he changed women frequently, and then he got married and had three children in a happy marriage. My client really liked that idea.

The woman who had been with my client until then didn’t know he had a plan to get married at 40. He even dated a woman he adored, but, much to her dismay, this happened when he was 35. So, he could have kept her for another five years as best as he could, or he could have broken up. After two years of dating, they broke up, and that’s when he became my client because he was desperate. He lost the woman he adored, but he couldn’t let go of his idea.

Angry woman

No matter how much time we spend together, people still carry thoughts, ideas, beliefs, etc., in their heads. We’re not privy to what a person has inside them.

Carl Gustav Jung said: People don’t have ideas; ideas have people.

Imagine hypothetically that a person loves you but wants to move to another continent. Or they don’t want marriage because they believe it will limit them, and they don’t know how to tell you.

So, the most we can do about this is check if we’re compatible and try to be as much as the person wants from us. But ultimately, we don’t know what’s in people’s heads, even if we’re 100 percent sure they love us.

Explanations for why someone leaves you even though they love you:

  • The person may love you but leave you because they have an idea in their head that is very important to them and excludes you from their life.
  • A person has some goals, some beliefs, etc., and you don’t fit into them.

Why Do People Fall Out Of Love Suddenly?

Man with phone

You may not be the ideal person for that partner

Let’s also say that a person has an ideal partner in mind. For example, they believe their partner should be highly educated, Hispanic, or traditional.

Here you come, being your fabulous self, and you feel like someone has fallen in love with you. Even if you’ve lasted long enough, you see that the person loves you. However, the person can’t stay with you for the reasons mentioned above because of their preferences for a partner.

Why Break Up Is So Hard To Bear: Real Reasons

Couple breaking up

I once had a client in my career who was homosexual, a fact nobody knew. To appease his parents, he pretended to be heterosexual in public. This client actively dated girls whom he left (despite loving them) because he fundamentally wanted a male partner. He even once cried in front of me because he had to leave an exceptional girl who wanted to marry him. Of course, those girls spent years wondering: Why did he leave me when it seemed like he loved me?

Explanations for why someone leaves you even though they love you:

  • The person may love you but leave you because you’re not ideal for them.
  • You’re not Asian, not of aristocratic descent, highly educated, or you have two children, etc.

Why Does It Sting the Most When Our Partner Chooses Someone New Over Us?

That one trait

That one trait will always prevail. Let’s say someone is lazy. Let’s take laziness as a predominant trait in someone.

Now, let’s say you’re ambitious and want progress in life.

Of course, the person knows you’re great because you push forward and achieve your goals. That’s why they love you.

However, you influence them in a way that makes them feel like they must also be better and more ambitious. But they’re lazy. And that trait doesn’t change.

No matter how high-quality you are, no matter how much someone loves you, that one trait that people can’t or don’t want to change because it’s a fundamental part of them always wins. Because of that, with opposing ideas, you become someone who annoys them or reminds them of what they are.

Can an ex come back after a few months? Or years?

A couple sits at dinner and breaks up

Explanations for why someone leaves you even though they love you:

  • The person may love you but leave you because they think you’re directly or indirectly trying to change their character.
  • Whether it’s laziness, stinginess, the need to spend money, dishonesty, addiction, etc.

People are selfish

Selfishness is a part of human nature and is neither incredible nor ugly. We’ve learned much earlier, in childhood, to take everything we can for ourselves rather than to be unselfish. Unselfishness is a matter of the superego and the resolute ego.

That’s why you shouldn’t be surprised if someone leaves you because they don’t want to give up something of their own. Some needs or ideas. They might love you, but there’s a greater chance they’ll give up on you than on their needs.

A beautiful woman is standing

Let’s take anything from the above we’ve listed. It all boils down to people wanting what they want and, for various conscious and unconscious reasons, not being willing to give it up.

Explanations for why someone leaves you even though they love you:

  • Unconscious reasons: insecurity, attachment issues, low self-esteem, feeling of inferiority, etc.
  • Conscious reasons: you’re not entirely suited to that person, you’re doing something they don’t like, preventing them from doing something they want, etc.

2 Psychological Reasons Behind Obsession After Rejection

The inner world will always prevail

No matter how much they love us and think we’re lovely, what happens inside a person will always triumph.

Of course, we hope that what happens in our chosen partner’s inner world favors us. However, if it’s not, the inner world will prevail sooner or later.

So if someone leaves you and they love you, I recommend you stop looking at yourself and concentrate on their inner world and what’s happening inside them. I mentioned that attention might have been drawn to the wrong place (“He left me because…”), but be wise, and before you blame yourself, focus on the person in front of you.

Note: There are fewer chances that a person will change their inner world with patience or with the help of therapy, but it’s hazardous to count on this.

Hug you. Dee.

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