Discover why you leave relationships quickly by exploring common patterns and attachment styles. How ambivalent or avoidant attachment, personal beliefs, and self-sabotaging behaviors contribute to leaving relationships quickly.
The fourth and final blog post is on why you fall out of love quickly and leave relationships just as fast. In this case, we’ll focus on attachment styles and the patterns you follow.
The other three reasons why you leave relationships quickly:
- Fears and psychological reasons: Why do You Give Up on Relationships so Easily
- Immature thinking: Why do People Give Up on Relationships So Easily
- Character traits and identity: Why Do You Always Want to Leave Relationships
- We will approach this topic as if it’s your problem, although it could simply be an experience you’ve participated in, which might be someone else’s problem.
Emotional Detachment and Attachment Issues
as a Reason Why You Leave Relationships
It’s possible that this originated sometime in childhood or adolescence, when attachment felt too painful. Perhaps you experienced a significant disappointment or emotional injury when someone rejected you, leading you to emotionally lock yourself away and decide not to let anyone get close again.
Practically speaking, you could say you’ve experienced emotional trauma, and this is why you leave relationships.
Now, everyone needs closeness, so people like you also long for relationships. However, when those who fear attachment and intimacy perceive that a relationship will demand this from them, it triggers their past trauma, and they prefer to back out and leave relationship.
Emotional traumas are as tricky an experience as any other trauma, and they leave a solid need to avoid similar experiences. However, traumas can be healed, and although I’m not an expert, I know that they are healed (among other ways) through courage.
The essence is that you should become braver for the situations ahead of you. As one psychologist said, That terrible thing will not diminish. We need to grow more significantly than that.
Bravery is developed by viewing the situation and ourselves objectively. Things that once hurt us could do so because we were smaller, weaker, less skilled, not as smart or capable… so it was much easier to hurt us.
When we become stronger, more skilled, smarter, and more capable, our confrontations with painful things can be different, and our reactions will improve.
Perhaps, if you view your situation this way, you’ll realize that emotional relationships can’t hurt you like they once did, making you more open to entering relationships.
When to fight for a relationship and when to leave it?
Negative Childhood Patterns As a Reason Why You Leave Relationships
The models we observe during childhood can influence how we perceive ourselves, those around us, and how we behave in adulthood.
If parents are emotionally unavailable or unpredictable, a person may develop a fear of attachment or expect that all relationships will end painfully. If parents promote a specific behavior (open relationships, emphasizing the advantages of single life, having prejudices about relationships/specific groups of people…), this can become your guide for relationships.
Examples:
- Family Beliefs: I once had a client whose grandmother, who was also his guardian, claimed that all women were immoral and that he should not attach himself to any of them. Our discussions revolved around how not to view women as immoral.
- Family Model: Another client, whose parents cheated on each other, ended up in my office because his fiancée left him. He had cheated on her. Through our conversation, we discovered a fascinating insight: the father started cheating first, and then the mother, unable to leave him, began cheating on him.
My client had adopted the behavior of both his parents. Cheating is okay (father), and when you’re angry at your partner—take revenge by cheating (mother).
- Copying a Family Member: A third client decided to emulate his cool uncle, who married at 40, so all the women who came into his life before he turned 40 had no chance of staying (he came to me when he was 39 and finally chose one woman. By then, he had practiced single life and breaking up so much that he didn’t know how to stay in a relationship with this suitable partner).
Let’s not forget that parents are our first role models, and the things they do and how they do them shape our worldview.
The patterns we adopt in childhood are an integral part of us, and everyone can recognize that they do some things similarly to their parents or guardians.
Considering we’re talking about falling out of love quickly and leaving relationships, it’s worth considering whether someone whose behavior you observed and absorbed throughout your life had a similar pattern.
Suppose you recognize a similar behavior pattern as that of a family member. In that case, psychotherapy is a good choice, but so is the decision to be ourselves and not some other person who, who knows where and how, to acquire those beliefs.
Should You stay In your Relationship?
Why Do You Leave Relationships
Ambivalent or Avoidant Attachment Styles
Let’s delve a bit into attachment theory. According to this theory, people are categorized, among other things, into those with ambivalent or avoidant attachment styles. Ambivalent individuals might feel insecure and constantly need reassurance, while avoidant individuals may have a tendency to distance themselves. In any case, they have plenty of reasons for leaving relationships.
This is a simplified version.
A more complex version is that certain psychological and emotional states lead to these needs.
For example, individuals with borderline personalities may need constant proof of love, while the root of avoidance lies in fears.
As with some other states we’ve discussed today, the solution isn’t to address one’s behavior in the relationship but to work on one’s inner world.
For such states, I recommend psychotherapy because a good psychotherapist can help you see yourself better and offer suggestions on resolving the issues that govern your life.
How To Improve Your Relationship
Unhealthy Coping Mechanisms
There are various harmful coping mechanisms, but since the topic is why we fall out of love quickly and give up on relationships, we will focus on avoidance of problems or emotional withdrawal as predominant ones.
Now, imagine a partner who wants to address a problem that has arisen or a recurring issue causing conflict in the relationship. A other partner is a person who does not face problems and withdraws.
If that person feels too much pressure, they must leave the relationship because they are using their avoidance mechanism (of responsibility, problems, negative emotions, pressures). Staying in the relationship is not an option.
The background of this behavior is fear of facing and openly confronting issues.
This state can come about is if a person has experienced unpleasant situations when trying to solve a problem. They might have received the message that they would be punished if they intervened.
Such a person should put things in the perspective of adulthood and recognize that they cannot be punished when confronting a problem. Given that the core of this mechanism is fear, similar to emotional traumas, it is necessary to overcome one’s fears.
However, this requires a somewhat different approach. The person would need to:
- Recognize what they are doing
- Recognize when they are doing it
- Stop doing it
- Undertake and implement a different action
Here, it would be best to observe Viktor E. Frankl’s principle: Between stimulus and response there is a space. In that space is our power to choose our response. In our response lies our growth and our freedom.
An additional problem is that people prone to such behavior (withdrawal) often find partners with whom they can maintain this dynamic. They will likely have a strict and uncooperative partner if they fear confrontation. We tend to recycle dynamics from our childhood and find ourselves with compatible people.
Therapy in which a person learns assertiveness would be a good choice.
Excessive Independence and Career Orientation
A person may be focused on their career and personal development, unwilling to invest the time and energy needed to maintain a relationship. When someone gets in the way of their plans, they have to leave the relationship.
The reality is that we have only a limited amount of energy and hours each day. Therefore, people overwhelmed with work or ambitious goals and progress may find others unwelcome.
At one time, I had a conversation with a client who was torn between staying in a relationship with a partner who had moved to another continent. The issue wasn’t that he had moved but rather that plans for some sort of reunion or cohabitation were not mentioned. And here’s the thing: The partner didn’t avoid these plans because he didn’t love her. Instead, he found the concept of her being far enough away so he didn’t have to deal with her ideally suited. He could quietly focus on his doctoral studies, work, career advancement, etc. This man didn’t have the space and time for love.
Similarly, many people want to accomplish things that are best done at certain stages of life (such as studying and building a career).
Some women don’t want to compromise their bodies with pregnancies, and some men don’t want to sacrifice their freedom. There are many reasons why a relationship with another person might not fit into someone’s life.
Thus, when a person is focused on their career, they might attempt to have a relationship, but as soon as that relationship becomes too demanding, they may want to end it. Simply put, their plans take precedence over everything else.
The only way I can offer some assistance here is to suggest that everyone should take a broader view and consider things in the future.
- What opportunities might be missed due to this career orientation?
- Will the career later be enough?
- Is there something else underlying this? And similar questions.
7 Ways to Fix Your Relationship
Self-Sabotage
as Reasons Why You Leave Relationships
Ah, this concerns the subconscious feeling that someone is unworthy of love. This feeling may stem from problematic relationships with some object (parents etc.) or be something they have developed themselves.
If we subconsciously believe we are unworthy of love, our subconscious will ensure that we do not achieve a functional relationship. It will prevent love (which we think does not belong to us) from happening.
In such cases, we begin to:
- Create conflict situations,
- Initiate circumstances that might cause the partner to leave us (lateness, irresponsibility, cheating…),
- Anticipate signs of being left and preemptively end the relationship,
- Turn into personalities that are very difficult to be around.
The ways of self-sabotage are endless, and people are usually unaware of them. What they see and feel seems valid to them. Here, the subconscious is at work. It uses feelings to convince us to go down a particular path. Thus, a person feels their choices are correct.
The subconscious will always strive to get what it wants, so what a person thinks and feels is a direct suggestion from their subconscious.
A tendency towards self-sabotage must be recognized and acknowledged. As Carl Jung said: Until you make the unconscious conscious, it will direct your life and you will call it fate.
Self-sabotage is not limited to romantic relationships but also spills over into professional, friendly, health, and self-care domains.
This is why there is a saying that a person is their own worst enemy: if we tend to destroy ourselves, we will destroy everything good and valuable for us. Simply put, our subconscious doesn’t care how it achieves its goal of preventing us from obtaining good things.
I know this sounds ominous, but it’s worth considering if this might be your issue. Again, it’s hard to recognize, even when it’s evident that someone is doing this (because they believe in what they feel). But if a person openly addresses and considers this possibility, they might realize it has been their problem all along.
Of course, it’s difficult to admit that one has been self-destructive all along, as it opens up a lot of reflection: where have I destroyed my potential and opportunities in life? But at least we will have the chance not to continue doing so.
Sudden Break Up With No Reason
Polyamory and the Need for Multiple Partners
as Reasons Why You Leave Relationships
People inclined toward polyamory might find themselves needing to leave their relationships because they don’t share compatible ideas with their partner or are hesitant to express their desires.
Given that polyamory arises from various reasons:
Personal Values and Beliefs: Belief that love isn’t limited to just one person.
Need for Diversity (Sexual, Emotional): A desire for variety that cannot be fulfilled with just one partner.
Social and Cultural Influences: Openness of society to different forms of relationships.
Unwillingness to Clearly Communicate Needs: Difficulty in articulating one’s desires.
Experiences from Past Relationships: Unhappy monogamous relationships or habits carried over from previous monogamous relationships.
Personality Traits: Openness to new experiences, a tendency toward adventure, increasing inclination toward polyamory.
Sexual Orientation: Individuals identifying as bisexual, pansexual, or queer may find polyamory a way to express their sexual orientation.
This requires different approaches.
One should work on open communication to check if the partner might be willing to make such a concession or if they are interested in this form of relationship. It’s also important to understand why a monogamous relationship might be unacceptable.
What’s important to know is that beliefs can change, and you don’t always have to remain the same. People transition from atheism to religiosity and vice versa, and they adopt opposite political beliefs. The same applies to polyamory. If you have been open to multiple partners, you can commit to one person at any point. Conversely, if that’s not an option, seek partners with similar inclinations.
I hope these four texts have helped you understand why you might quickly leave relationships.
Everything we’ve listed in these texts is subject to change, so if any of these personality traits, habits, or mechanisms are damaging your relationships and preventing you from staying in one longer—try to change them rather than constantly finding yourself in a conflicting situation: wanting a relationship while needing to escape it quickly. Dee.
