What are the common mistakes in unhealthy relationships, how you make them and how you justify them, but also how should you look at them.

Over-Romanticizing Toxic Behavior

1. “They Only Hurt Me Because They Love Me.”
2. Confusing Control with Care
3. Excusing Emotional Abuse: The Trap of “They’re Just Stressed”

If you’re not ready to leave that person, you must find reasons to stay.

To justify our actions to ourselves, we rely on ego defense mechanisms, the strongest of which is rationalization.

Rationalization works by convincing ourselves of the reasons behind someone else’s behavior. “They did it because they love me.”; “He is unfair to me because he is a strong man.”; “She mistreated me because she has an unhappy childhood.”

Besides rationalization, we use many other mechanisms (Denial: that didn’t really happen; Repression: no, we don’t have problems in our relationship. Those are just isolated incidents; Projection: it’s my fault that they react that way, etc.). All of these mechanisms help justify and even romanticize toxic behavior.

📍 The problem with ego defense mechanisms is that they can (and often do) get overused. When overused, they need to evolve into something else, and they often evolve into psychoses (believing in things that aren’t happening).

We use ego defense mechanisms as intensely as we need them. If you live in a toxic relationship, you will need a lot of self-deception to stay, and this will almost certainly escalate into psychoses.

Also, you have to spend more and more time and energy to justify staying with a toxic partner in a toxic relationship, so you have neither time nor energy left for anything else.

Why Is It So Hard To Leave A Toxic Relationship

Avoiding Conflict at All Costs

1. Avoiding Arguments Because of Fear
2. Keeping the Peace vs. Suppressing Your Needs
3. When Silence Becomes a Weapon

This can be done for various reasons: out of fear, as a form of passive aggression, or as self-inflicted masochism. Let me explain.

Fear: If you’re afraid of the person you’re with (or simply find them exhausting), it’s logical that you would avoid conversations or situations that might trigger them.

Passive Aggression: I had a client who never argued with her husband because she wanted to prove that she was a better person than him. She also wanted him to feel ashamed and keep records of everything he did, intending to use them against him one day.

Masochism: Again, there are various reasons why people endure unpleasant things. These can range from the unconscious pleasure that masochism brings to self-punishment for something. It’s always tricky to talk about masochism and the ways people harm themselves because no one can easily believe that they have tendencies to damage themselves, to enjoy pain, etc. unconsciously.

However, these tendencies are a part of us, and one must always be on guard against them.

The problem with this avoidant approach is that the issues remain, becoming part of your everyday life, growing, etc. Later, they become more challenging to resolve. If you don’t stand up for yourself and fight against the things that bother you, you will eventually lose the strength to fight them, get used to them, and confuse your partner in a way: Why does this bother you now when it never bothered you before?

How to become assertive

Over-Dependency on Your Partner

1. Losing Yourself in the Relationship
2. Sacrificing Personal Goals for Relationship Stability
3. Relying on Your Partner for Happiness

Toxic relationships are known for creating a small, enclosed world where partners build their own “Chinese wall” around themselves (paraphrasing, but you get the idea). People become highly dependent on each other because:

• One partner works to isolate the other from outside influences.
• The mutual toxic dynamics are so intense that they consume a lot of time and energy.
• The impression is created that everyone is against the couple.
• There is a sense of shame.
• Additionally, one partner may be very demanding, sabotaging the other’s development and making the relationship conditional.

Finally, one partner might become utterly dependent on the other due to their reasons (fears, insecurities, or the belief that this is how relationships should be). This is then declared as “completeness.”

The problem is that these types of relationships are difficult to break. Both partners gain something from such a relationship; separation means they would have to give up that something.

Moreover, usually, the partners don’t want to separate simultaneously—one might feel the need to achieve partial independence again sooner, while the other takes longer or never reaches the point where they want to separate. Because of this, the one who wants to go often patiently returns to the old pattern of the relationship.

Why We Are In Love With Someone – Psychological Explanation

Staying for the Sake of History

1. Invested Time: “Sunk Cost” fallacy
2. Nostalgia Keeps You Stuck in a Toxic Loop
3. The Fear of Starting Over

• In the first case, a person decides it’s not worth leaving the relationship because they’ve already invested so much in it (time, energy, and money).

The problem with this approach is a misunderstanding of the economic principle of not staying in a bad investment (a toxic relationship). With each extension, more is lost.

• In the second case, the person hopes that things will return to how they once were or lives in a fantasy world (believing that things are already as they should be… but only in their mind).

I wouldn’t count on returning to something from the past because a person who chooses to maintain a toxic relationship has a reason for it. Either they gain some benefit from it, or their true nature has taken over.

With either scenario, you can’t count on the person changing their mind and returning to something that wasn’t as suitable for them as the current situation.

• In the third case, it’s about the fear of the unknown. So much time has been invested in the relationship that the person no longer knows if they can manage a different life, whether they are still desirable in the “market,” etc.

The fact is that these things will only get more challenging as time goes on. If you’re in a toxic relationship, the toxicity will become your reality, and you’ll have difficulty adjusting and thriving in healthy relationships because you might confuse them with boredom or a lack of love.

The Chinese say that the best time to plant a tree was 20 years ago, and the second-best time is today. You get the point.

Should You Stay In a Relationship or Leave?

Ignoring Red Flags in the Name of Love

1. How Ignoring Early Signs: “Love is Blind”
2. Minimizing or Justifying Unacceptable Behavior
3. Hoping They Will Change

People show us who they are very quickly. We often ignore those signs, hoping our love’s power will change them.

However, people never change for others—ever. For someone else, they might adjust by 10-15%.

True, big change can only happen if they decide to change for themselves, but that happens very rarely because changing oneself is the most complex change in the world. People will always stick to their behavior far more readily than change who they are.

Remember, a person chooses who they want to be, justifies their actions to themselves, and gains some benefit from being that way. So, change is practically impossible.

Therefore, there are better long-term strategies than ignoring red flags. They will remain and likely become more entrenched. Also, what you tolerate in a relationship will be accepted and abundantly used against you. Don’t doubt that.

What Are Red Flags in a Relationship

Blurring Boundaries in the Name of Intimacy

1. The Problem with “We Are One”
2. Sacrificing Personal Privacy for “Closeness”
3. The Toxicity of Constant Surveillance and Jealousy

The principle is that people always find their compatible personality. And not necessarily in a way that says, “We are similar,” but rather, “We complement each other.” So, if someone is fearful, their compatible personality might be someone brave. If someone is impulsive, their compatible personality might be a calm person. If someone is overbearing, their compatible personality might be someone who can be imposed upon.

So, one partner completely dominates the other, and the other disappears in that relationship.

To achieve this, various mechanisms are used: prohibitions, emotional manipulation, anger, blackmail, etc. The more adaptable partner agrees to participate in a relationship shaped by the other partner, and very quickly, their identity, interests, plans, etc., “disappear.”

How To Set Boundaries In a Relationship – 12 Steps

Confusing Drama with Passion

1. Mistaking Turbulence for Excitement
2. The Adrenaline Trap – Why Some People Seek Out Conflict
3. “Passionate” Relationships

I know, I know. Having a partner who makes unpredictable moves and surprises you is very exciting. They leave, but they always come back. They can’t live without you. Dating them is always unpredictable… you might even say dangerous. Everything with them is so thrilling, and you can (and must) think about them all day because you never know what the day will bring.

And that’s all fine—while it’s nice, good, and has a happy ending. But when all of this doesn’t end happily and isn’t pleasant… then it’s toxic.

Did you know that dramatic events, impulsive actions, and sudden emotional changes, although they resemble passionate love, are often signs of personality disorders?

Sudden changes in psychological and emotional states characterize at least a few personality disorders.

So now I have to ask you: if someone were to say, “This person is a psychopath (a personality disorder), would you want to date them?” You would probably say no. But some disorders appear romantic and passionate, so people overlook the obvious signs. But at the end of the day they are still personality disorders.

The problem is that personality disorders are not conducive to coexistence. They are very consuming for everyone involved. As I said at the beginning, you have to think about them all day long.

With such people, there is no stability and, therefore, no progress or peace because all emotional and psychological energy goes into the relationship.

And nothing grows during an earthquake, which these unhealthy relationships often resemble.

Am I Toxic In My Relationship?

Settling for Less Due to Low Self-Esteem

1. Self-Worth Affects Relationship Choices
2. “This Is the Best I Can Do”

You’ve Turned Your Bad State into a Part of the Relationship

You’ve transformed your belief that you can’t do better into a toxic relationship.

“I can’t find a partner who will respect me because I’m nothing special,” “I can’t receive love. Who would love me?” “Only bad things are reserved for me.”

If you find yourself in such a mindset, let’s focus on building and boosting your self-confidence rather than settling for unhealthy relationships and poor treatment.

A brief explanation: Low self-esteem seeks a person who will reinforce it. If we believe we are bad, we must find someone who agrees with what we think about ourselves, i.e., someone who will not respect us (even though we consciously want someone to appreciate us).

Our unconscious perceives anyone who would respect us as someone mistaken. If we think poorly of ourselves, those who think highly of us are wrong; therefore, we must reject them. But when someone comes along who sees us the way we see ourselves, they are welcomed into our life.

And let’s not forget: Low self-esteem is not necessarily a conscious belief. It stems from old beliefs about ourselves and is ingrained in us. That’s why it needs to be changed to establish a healthy relationship instead of an unhealthy one. It usually doesn’t work the other way around: first, a good relationship, then a change in self-perception, for the reasons I’ve just explained.

How To Build Self-Confidence: Tips From a Professional

Misunderstanding the Role of Compromise

1. The Difference Between Healthy Compromise and Self-Sacrifice
2. One-Sided Compromise
3. Compromising on Core Values

The warning here is that compromises change us (what we agree to become acceptable, and if forced for too long, it becomes a regular part of us).

Additionally, people can abuse your willingness to compromise. If you’re interested in learning more about human nature, a good article to read would be: 9 Psychology Facts About Personality You Should Know

I would recommend that a person thoroughly understand what compromises mean—who should be involved in them, how they can be made, etc.

Some basic types of compromise include:

• Sometimes we do things your way, and sometimes we do them my way.
• We don’t do it your way or mine but find a third option.
• We do both your way and mine to enrich the relationship and encourage mutual growth.

Signs Of An Unhealthy Relationship: How to Recognize

Using Relationships as a Solution for Personal Issues

1. You Will Fix Them
2. Seeking Validation Through a Partner
3. Unresolved Personal Trauma

Sometimes people, unable to deal with their own problems, pull others into their emotional-psychological dynamics and keep them trapped there.

Now, these issues are usually very dominant parts of someone’s personality. They are also very demanding, controlling, and extremely painful for the person, so they feel the need to fight them. Specific events trigger them—as you can hear, issues are compelling in a person’s life and are likely to prevail.

They will overcome another’s common sense, abuse kindness, and cooperation, and degrade opposing views, and a person who was once in a good state will likely fall under the influence of the person with issues.

People who are troubled by something (and issues emotionally and psychologically trouble people) constantly emphasize it because they want to rid themselves of their pain. As a result, the other person becomes engrossed in and consumed by the other’s emotional or psychological drama.

If you don’t have a strong character and aren’t prepared to constantly bring the person back to reality and work on their problems as an authority figure, you will suffer alongside them.

Issues cannot be resolved by partners; they must be addressed by professionals.

Normalizing Jealousy and Possessiveness

1. Jealousy Equals Love
2. Possessiveness Equals Obsession With Me
3. The Fine Line Between Affection and Control

In the beginning, someone’s jealousy might seem romantic. Or at least justifiable (after all, you’re still getting to know each other). But later on, it will become tiresome, leading to arguments, and eventually, you will inevitably come to terms with it and find ways to justify your jealous and possessive partner. Or you’ll go to great lengths to see some breathing room.

• I remember a case with a client who would travel to another city to have coffee with friends just so her jealous partner wouldn’t find out.

Depending on how far you allow jealousy and possessiveness to go, you will adapt your life to meet that person’s demands.

If your partner expects you to withdraw from the world entirely and want to stay with them… you’ll have to do it. Or they might expect you to cut certain people out of your life, change your lifestyle, etc.

Let’s be clear: I don’t think you need to be completely autonomous and do whatever you want, ignoring your partner’s objections. I do believe in reasonable agreements. I also believe in understanding your partner’s perspective. But you need to be mindful of how far this has gone.

Is there anything left of your autonomy? Is your social life still fulfilling? Have you had to give up aspects of your life that were dear to you but didn’t threaten your relationship or your partner?

If you recognize this as your situation, you’re probably in an unhealthy relationship that is already changing you and will completely transform you.

Remember the ego defense mechanisms, how powerful they are, and how skilled we are at using them to justify anything we need.

I hope this text has been helpful to you. Dee.

Toxic Relationship Test