In this blog post, we’ll explore how to handle confrontational and aggressive people, treating confrontation as a form of aggressive behavior. We’ll address who these individuals are, why you might allow them to dominate, how to stand up to them, and what the positive consequences of doing so can be.

Why Do You Back Down in Front of Confrontational or Aggressive People

Who Are Confrontational People?

You might be surprised to learn that most confrontational and aggressive people don’t have an initial desire to harm you. Instead, it’s their nature and well-practiced strategies that drive them.

1. People Who Seek Excitement

Did you know conflict triggers the same physiological responses as other thrilling situations? Our adrenaline spikes, the heart starts racing, and so on.

The cerebral cortex often confuses these states: excitement and aggression. For some people, conflict becomes a source of intense excitement.

• Client: “I love arguing with my husband. The sex afterward is amazing.”

2. People Who Want Control and Power

These individuals use conflicts to gain control and dominance over others. Since they are naturally inclined toward conflict and it is their normal state, they know they will always win and therefore always choose conflict.

3. People Who Need Confirmation of Their Own Worth

For some, conflicts are a way to assert themselves and demonstrate their superiority and intellectual dominance. In conflicts, it’s often clear who has won, which can give such individuals a sense of victory.

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4. Unresolved Inner Conflicts

Unresolved inner conflicts and frustrations naturally need an outlet (otherwise, a person would “self-destruct”), so they project these onto others. This is, in fact, a projection of their internal dissatisfaction onto the external world. Conflicts serve as a vent for their discontent.

5. Inability to Express Emotions Differently

For some people, expressing emotions—especially negative ones like anger or frustration—can be difficult or unacceptable. Instead of discussing their feelings, they engage in conflicts to express themselves.

6. Learned Patterns from Parents and Social Norms

If someone grows up or lives in an environment where conflicts are normal and acceptable, they will naturally behave accordingly. Simply put, this is how their parents did it and how everyone else does it. The role of parents is obviously crucial in shaping one’s perception of the world and understanding how things are done.

7. Pleasure in Destruction

There is a smaller number of people who simply enjoy destruction and chaos. These are individuals with antisocial tendencies or inclinations toward destructive behavior, commonly known as sociopaths. For them, conflict is a way to create disorder and feel powerful while tearing down what others value.

A lack of neurosis often characterizes people who frequently engage in conflicts. They aren’t afraid to enter into conflict because they don’t think about the consequences, aren’t scared of them, and don’t believe they’ll lose.

On their scales, they assess that engaging in conflict is more beneficial, increasing their chances of winning and profiting from the conflict than avoiding it. The same logic applies to pacifist behavior—people accustomed to aggression and conflicts find pacifism simply unprofitable for the aforementioned reasons.

Destructive and self-destructive behavior

This behavior is compulsive and unconscious. One thing in us that is always present was the fuel for it. Biblically, it would be called the devil on the shoulder and psychologically, the Id.

There is no exact reason why this entity does what it does, just as there is no reason why a cat suddenly starts scratching you. That’s their nature.

With such a nature, this Id entity only wants to “have fun” in its own ways and then enters into conflicts to feel alive, to prove something to himself, etc. However, this behavior can escalate, and the person becomes destructive and self-destructive.
And once again, there is no exact reason for this other than part of our nature.

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Understand Why You Accept That Kind of Behavior

Why You Are Their Victim

1. Fear of Conflict

These fears come from somewhere. Perhaps you’ve experienced significant harm when entering conflicts in the past (maybe with overly dominant and strict parents?).

You might also fear losing the relationship, escalating the situation, or experiencing an intensely unpleasant emotional reaction.

2. High Empathy and Concern for Others

You protect others’ feelings because you’re empathetic, and so you avoid conflicts to avoid hurting them. The essence is that you’d rather protect others than stand up for yourself.

3. Low Tolerance for Stress

Conflicts exhaust you. They drain all your emotional energy, and you know from experience that you won’t quickly recover from them even after they’ve ended. You’ll continue to think about them, so you prefer to avoid conflicts and withdraw.

4. Lack of Self-Confidence

Maybe you feel inadequate or incapable of confronting others, or you doubt your own opinions and your ability to express your thoughts properly.

To protect yourself from feelings of shame and inadequacy, you avoid conflicts.

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5. Fear of Punishment That Comes with Conflict

Some people grew up in environments where conflicts were unacceptable or severely punished. If conflict was strictly punished in your family, you might feel that any potential conflict situation will result in the same outcome.

6. Value of Harmony and Peace

You likely have deeply rooted values of peace, cooperation, and kindness. If you belong to this group, your belief that conflicts only damage relationships makes you more likely to choose the path of compromise and tolerance.

7. Need for Approval

If you seek approval from others (and perhaps you’re even a people pleaser), entering conflicts is dangerous territory because it might jeopardize your social standing or lead to rejection. It’s simply about preserving a positive image and ensuring people accept you.

8. This Is Your Avoidance Strategy

Avoiding conflict might be your way of coping with stress or uncomfortable situations. This strategy may have been learned and proven effective for you, so you continue to use it.

9. You Believe There Are Other Ways

Some people, perhaps even you, believe that problems can resolve themselves, that there’s no need to waste energy on situations that will eventually sort out, and that there are better ways. These people believe—let’s say, it’s an optimistic view of the world or a spiritual/intellectual idea, like: “Tomorrow, this won’t matter anyway,” and so on.

Common Thread Among Confrontational People

The common thread among all these people is that, for various reasons, they want to avoid conflict. Conflicts are terrifying, dangerous, degrading, disturbing, etc.

Now, when we combine these two currents, we have people who eagerly engage in conflict (or reluctantly, but they know it’s necessary) and people who avoid conflict at all costs.

In conflict situations, it’s pretty clear who will win.

Let’s clarify: we’re talking about victories outside of ourselves. If you consider that you’ve won by not confronting and maintaining your dignity. But be careful not to deceive yourself to avoid conflict.

Now, let’s return to those willing to enter conflict and, because of this, always win over those who need more time to be ready.

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How Do You Stand Up to Confrontational Personalities

1. Understand that this is like a second language for people who easily enter into conflicts and win through aggression. It’s part of their nature, and they’re very good at it. But realize that this doesn’t make them dangerous, just skilled at what they do.

2. Their skill usually boils down to words—maybe yelling, applying pressure, conditioning, aggressive speaking, etc. If physical aggression is involved, please remove yourself from that situation. The same goes for people who are out of control in any way.

3. These people know that they can win by persisting in their stance. They also know to use aggressive behavior techniques (pressure, manipulation, raising their voice, etc.).

It’s like cooking techniques. You know you must chop the ingredients, adjust the heat, wash the vegetables, etc. It’s all a technique, just like with people who know what to use in a conflict.

It’s the same with anything else you want to win at. There are ways to go about it.

4. If you understand it this way—“Aha, this person is raising their voice now because that’s what’s done to win a conflict”—your emotional response will be different. You’ll be calmer because, although conflicts are very emotional, you don’t have to experience them as such anymore. They are a simple technique that doesn’t harm your identity.

5. Also, understand that these people just use words (pressure, etc.). They are just using sound to defeat you and get what they want.

6. Understand that they are using your emotions and beliefs against you.

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But, If You Stand Up for Yourself…

They encounter something unpleasant.

As long as you don’t stand up for yourself, there are no consequences for them, and they can continue their aggression as much as they want. However, when they face something unpleasant (like your resistance, for example), they might start thinking twice before targeting you again.

You can imagine it like this: you have a metal ball and a rubber ball in front of you. If you hit the metal ball, your hand will hurt. If you hit the rubber ball, your hand won’t hurt. You need to decide what you will hit (assuming you need to hit something).

That’s how people function, too: they will attack less at something that will hurt them when they hit it.

📌 Let’s be clear: if you have a conflict-prone person next to you, they won’t give up attacking you. But they will do it less often because even conflict-prone people don’t want to get hurt or experience unpleasantness.

When I say “get hurt,” I mean being called out for their behavior. They don’t want to be shown who they are and what they do; they don’t want their ego hurt, to see their mistakes and the foolishness of their actions, their aggression, etc.

No one wants to be shown how aggressive, wrong, or unfair they are.

That’s why, if you stand up to a conflict-prone person, and they remember that when they go after you, they will get hurt (an ego blow), they’ll have to think twice about whether you’re a good target. After all, it hurts them too.

Over time, even the most conflict-prone person will stop attacking you regularly (depending on how conflict-prone they are, they might attack you occasionally, but much less often than their nature would dictate).

Some people will stop attacking you altogether—not because they’ve changed, but because it’s unpleasant and risky for them to attack you. As the saying goes, the dog doesn’t bark for the village but for itself (you get the idea, right?).

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Consequences

They will start to respect you.

They respect themselves, and when you behave similarly—standing up for yourself and being ready to “speak up” when someone mistreats you—they will respect you.

Because they respect you, they will start to “give you more”—more affection and better opportunities, and they will want to be your friend. You appear strong.

Human psychology is simple: if you stand up for yourself, it sends a message to others that you have something valuable within you (you consider yourself valuable), and that’s why you defend yourself. If you know you have something valuable inside, nobody won’t question it. You know what it is, and people want to be close to you (or at least not mess with you) because you are valuable.

In this way, you will earn respect and a much better life: People won’t attack you as they did before, you’ll feel more at peace because of it, and you’ll gain much more respect, appreciation, and opportunities.

Tips for Dealing With Negative Emotions

Tips for Handling Conflicts Correctly:

• Cut off anything that bothers you at the root.

• Conflicts vary in size—major, moderate, minor, and least… Respond according to the size and intensity of the conflict. There’s no point in yelling at someone just because they moved your cup to the other side of the table.

• By standing up for yourself, you can prevent conflicts before they even happen.

• You have the measure of what bothers you. No one knows better than you what’s right in your life. If someone’s teasing bothers you, even if it doesn’t bother anyone else around you—this is your life, and you should live it the way you want. And so it goes for everything that bothers you. This will likely reduce the number of people in your life, but it’s far better to have people around you who behave according to your rules than a lot of people who don’t.

• Conflicts don’t have to be aggressive. It’s enough for them to be a warning.

• Don’t be afraid that people will leave. Those who want to function with you only on their terms—should leave your life. Those who stay should stay under the condition that all of you are happy.

My recommendation is to become “dangerous.” Teach the people around you, whether your bosses, partners, family, or friends, how to talk to and behave towards you.

There’s a saying: “It’s better to be a warrior in a garden than a gardener in a war.”

Someone else said: “People need to know that you have claws. You don’t have to use them, but show that you have them.”

When you teach them what you won’t tolerate, they will eventually remember it and attack you less and less.

I hope you found this text useful. Dee