We can recognize the clear signs of a bad relationship easily. But these signs of a bad relationship are more insidious and destroy a person systematically and in the long term. That’s why it’s worth understanding them well.
Hidden signs that a relationship is bad are: constant criticism, emotional manipulation, exploitation of other people’s resources, immaturity, controlling partner, not taking responsibility, and submissiveness. Read in the text how they work and what consequences they leave behind.
Apparent signs of bad relationships are lying, violence (emotional, psychological, or physical), and breaking up only to get back together. You already know enough about these.
However, the signs I’ve listed are subtler and can easily fly under your radar as part of someone’s personality. You might easily think that:
- It’s normal
- They’ll outgrow it; it’s just a phase
- It’s great when the partner doesn’t do this. During those times, they are very happy and in love.
Different sources of toxic dynamics in relationships
Before I say anything further, it is absolutely essential to understand this:
1. It’s different when someone does these things constantly or occasionally. We’re talking here about people for whom these traits are dominant.
2. It’s possible that this treatment feels normal to you because you’re used to it. Maybe you even assume it’s natural because that’s how you were treated before.
3. You may also find this treatment subconsciously desirable because you recognize it as the first model of love you experienced.
4. Everyone does these things to some extent, but we’re talking about people who control or change your life using these behaviors.
5. Please don’t take this text at face value. It’s always possible that your partner does these things for your own good. If your partner is known for making good decisions, or at least does so in some areas, it’s worth listening to them and maybe even following their lead.
At the end of the text, I offer some important explanations that I advise you not to skip.
How to protect yourself from toxicity in relationships
1. Constant Criticism
This falls under aggression, even overt aggression. However, just like everything else, constant criticism can be graded. It can range from open humiliation to passive criticism, where someone views your actions with disdain.
If you experience this, you know how much and to what extent you endure it.
Constant criticism is indeed a part of someone’s character, so we can give them some leniency on that basis (maybe they are copying someone from their family who did the same). However, it can be relatively easy to unlearn, so if your partner does this, it is essential to stop them. They won’t lose anything by stopping, and you will gain significantly.
Constant criticism will change you as a person. You will lose confidence, self-respect, and belief in yourself. You will feel like you are worse than you actually are.
We start to believe what people continually say about us.
How To Heal From the Toxicity In Relationship
2. Emotional Manipulation
It ranges from manipulating you into doing things for them to manipulating you when you don’t. Emotional manipulation is about controlling your emotions. The person evokes pity, anger, or disappointment, causing you to do what they want.
For example, they might cry or feel sad when you don’t behave as they want. Or they get angry or give you the silent treatment. Sometimes, just looking at you with disappointment is enough.
Finding a balance between what we do and what people want us to do is necessary. It’s OK for our partner to manipulate us from time to time (of course, if it doesn’t significantly impact our lives), but it’s important for a person to be aware of being manipulated and to consent to it willingly—in other words, to have some control over it.
You need to understand your emotions, which are likely mixed if you are subjected to such treatment. If you spend enough time with someone who emotionally manipulates you, you might start thinking that what they feel and think is right while your own emotions and thoughts are completely ignored.
That’s why it’s a good idea to cleanse yourself from other people’s emotions and determine what you think about certain things.
Before taking action, you should pause and consider: Am I doing this for myself or because my partner wants it?
And don’t worry, you will make mistakes 😊. But you know what? Your partner will make mistakes, too. Who says they know better than you? Do they have a degree in life? (Of course, if they genuinely have a degree or expertise in something, follow their advice.)
How To Set Boundaries In a Relationship – 12 Steps
3. Exploiting Other People’s Resources
This is also a common topic in my conversations—people who are exploited or exploit others.
Other people’s resources obviously include money but also time, energy, advice, connections, property… anything owned by someone else.
If a person takes more than they give back, it’s usually not a good sign.
We all operate on the principle of unconscious/subconscious exchange, so our self-esteem deteriorates if someone uses us without real exchange.
When someone exploits us, as with most things we consent to, it comes from deeper internal reasons. Maybe we have a habit of being exploited, or perhaps we have our own (conscious or unconscious) reasons for allowing it.
However, whatever the reasons, a person who allows themselves to be exploited will damage their self-esteem.
We must never forget that ancient habits still work within us as part of our genetics: we need to be equal or have equal resources to survive. Eventually, suppose our partner does something for us that we perceive as highly valuable (e.g., having children with us or supporting us financially). In that case, it’s okay for us to give them something they highly value.
But in any case, if they exploit us, we will know it’s happening and will feel miserable. We will know we don’t stand up for ourselves because we lack the courage. And that changes a person.
4. Immaturity
Immature people are impressionable, unstable, and quickly fall into trouble. There is no growth with immature people. There may be stagnation (which, in the long run, when everything else progresses, is regression) or outright regression.
Since immature people are unstable, you can’t be completely sure of your relationship with them. They are easily attracted to some shiny thing, something they perceive as offering more.
Unfortunately, they don’t value standard values too much, so keeping their interest long-term is challenging. For example, they may not recognize everything you can achieve and bring into the relationship as valuable (education, effort, stability) because they crave fun, the FOMO (fear of missing out) moment, and cool things.
Immature people are very appealing in this severe world because they bring that childlike vibe and frivolity, but progressing with them is similar to a parent’s progress with a child. A lot of energy is invested in entertaining them, and the return is relatively small. They serve more for enjoyment than bringing anything valuable into life.
📌 Let’s be clear: I’m not devaluing the parent-child relationship; I’m talking about an inadequate exchange. I love children very much, and I believe that whoever wants to should have as many as possible. But children are receivers, and parents are givers
I’m not saying that fun and uncertainty aren’t beneficial for life. But with immature people come many childlike traits: tantrums, recklessness, risky behavior, etc.
Can unhealthy relationships become healthy?
5. Controlling Your Partner
Another subtle force that serves to teach the partner is that they must be accountable and cannot make decisions of their own free will. Of course, this is only at the end of the process. Initially, it seems relatively benign and primarily involves the partner objecting to some things you do, eventually leading to the partner making decisions about your life.
Controlling a partner includes controlling their money, friendships, interactions with family, social profiles, etc.
In my career, I have encountered several extreme cases where the partner’s movements and interactions with people were controlled, and I have also had instances where partners were forbidden to meet with me because of the influence I had on them (just to clarify, I was merely expressing what I observed).
Memorable cases include those where a person controls how their partner looks (under the pretext that they are looking at potential partners), whom they wish a happy birthday to, their online appearance, and similar things.
The ultimate instance of controlling a partner is isolating them from others so they are not under influences that might make them realize their partner is abusing their dominance over them.
People under control change in ways that lead to more or less severe forms of:
- Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD)
- Stockholm Syndrome
- Anxiety
- Depression
- Complex Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (C-PTSD), etc.
6. Not Taking Responsibility
Besides being unpleasant, this falls into the category of covert destructive behaviors in a relationship, as it is a trait of immature people (at best), uncooperative people, and ultimately narcissists (at worst).
A person who constantly takes responsibility will start to feel injustice, deepen conflicts and dissatisfaction, and increase frustration.
No one wants to always be wrong and take responsibility for everything bad in a relationship.
People might even accept a 1:10 ratio, but a situation where they are always wrong is unsustainable.
It is clear that not taking responsibility comes from an attempt to preserve someone’s ego, but the consequence is the complete destruction of the other person’s ego. However, let’s be clear: the ego will always fight for its person (😊), so the individual will not accept the idea of being defeated but will simply become unhappy in the relationship. At first glance, some people may seem defeated, but they are just highly weakened and broken.
So, people who do not admit their mistakes end up with:
- Conflicts, dissatisfaction, and frustrations
- Emotional distance from them
- Partners with low self-esteem
- Partner’s withdrawal, emotionally and in all other ways
- Weakening themselves because there is no self-development or progress in this
- Broken people are beside them
- Living with broken people
How to protect yourself from toxicity in relationships
7. Submissiveness
Submissive people negatively impact a relationship because submissiveness means supporting someone else’s will even when they are wrong.
Partners should serve to correct each other.
None of us is born perfect or with all the knowledge in the world. None of us always makes the best decisions, even though our ego always tries to convince us that we are right, even when we can see that we are not. This makes it very difficult to admit when we are wrong. We have a force within us that resists it.
Ultimately, we speak from our beliefs, which have been acquired over many years and learned from possibly significant figures in our lives. These beliefs are also deeply rooted in us.
However, whatever we are, it does not mean we are right. And that does not mean that we cannot see that we are wrong.
This is precisely why we need partners: to correct us when we are wrong, to prevent us from hurting or destroying ourselves, and to prevent us from making cardinal mistakes in the future.
And because there is an infantile part of us that will always expect someone else to take care of us, if the partner does not do this, we will recognize it.
Therefore, submissive partners actually send the message that they do not care about us but expect us to take care of them.
The idea of someone submitting to us sounds appealing (to our ego) because it tells us that we are 100% right and that we are the boss. But it does not sound good to the part of us that wants to be corrected, knows when we are wrong, and wants someone to take our hand and guide us.
That part of us becomes angry and resentful towards the partner for not protecting us and preventing us from making mistakes.
How To Leave Someone You Love But Is Toxic
These are some of the hidden things that contribute to a bad relationship. In fact, they often make the relationship bad.
What I want you to know (besides what I emphasized at the very beginning) is that participating in such relationships will change you in the long run. Each of these behaviors sends a message to your internal emotional-psychological world about who you are. And each new message changes you in one direction or another.
It seems benign, but even a drop of water is benign until it keeps dripping on the same spot and changes it.
- Constant criticism will convince you you’re mistaken and don’t know what you are doing.
- Emotional manipulation will convince you that you are never right.
- Exploitation will convince you that you can’t stand up for yourself.
- Immaturity will make your world unstable, and stability is essential for a sense of security.
- Control will change your personality.
- Not taking responsibility will either break you or distance you from your partner.
- Submissiveness will distance your partner from you.
What Are the Long-Term Consequences of Toxic Relationships
And, of course, everything else I mentioned.
If you are in such a relationship, my recommendation is to acknowledge what you are dealing with and then start fighting against it intensely.
Such a fight, considering it might already be a long-term, established dynamic, can be exhausting and long. But if you are deeply entrenched in such a problem, you can imagine it as a battle with a complex illness. You will obviously need to put in a lot of effort and persistence to overcome the problem. It’s the same with these issues.
You will require effort and perseverance, and of course, everything will go much faster and more efficiently with good techniques. Counselors and therapists can provide good techniques for fighting. Or people who have already overcome such problems.
Why does a person have to go through bad relationships till they meet “the one”?
But the essence is that this fight is worth it in the long run. Either you will stay in a relationship that will be more pleasant for you (and for your partner, who certainly doesn’t enjoy you not showing a backbone), or you will become stronger and more confident in yourself and give yourself a chance for another, better, and healthier relationship.
Dee
