One of the saddest types of conversations I have with my clients is when their immature thinking has cost them good partners and relationships, and the years have irretrievably passed. They then sit in front of me and ask, “Is there still a chance for me?”
So, why do people give up on relationships so easily?
Immature thinking has its place in the sun, and oh, how do I understand you. It’s so pleasant to think this way and anticipate things we believe belong to us and will come naturally.
However, no matter how pleasant these thoughts are, they ultimately cost you real life. And as always, I have nothing against people having their own ideas about how a relationship should look, but it’s up to you to decide whether you will follow the path of imagination or the path of reality (which is, of course, less pleasant than imagination).
So the question is: will we continue to chase the things we expect from life, or will we give ourselves a chance for happiness in a not-so-perfect variant?
This is the second in a series of texts on why we fall out of love easily.
The other three are:
- Fears and psychological reasons: Why do You Give Up on Relationships so Easily
- Character traits and identity: Why Do You Always Want to Leave Relationships
- Patterns and attachment styles: Why You Leave Relationships
High Expectations
as a reason why do people give up on relationships so easily
People with high expectations probably have them for themselves, so they expect equal performance from their partners.
We also have people who believe they deserve exceptional partners, regardless of whether they have met those high standards. Here, again, the ego is at play, which, as I mentioned, claims that we are exceptional in and of ourselves, and others must prove themselves exceptional to us.
In both cases, the pool of potential candidates for a relationship narrows. Due to high expectations, partners who do not meet the set criteria must be given up.
Mathematically speaking, a very small number of people meet these expectations, and many are dismissed or not even noticed.
High expectations of people limit you to a minimal number of individuals. This is especially true since it’s a mechanism that continually seeks satisfaction, so whatever the person receives, they will follow that mechanism.
It’s like being hungry. You can’t eat once and be full forever. You always need to feed that hunger. The same goes for high expectations of people.
So, even when you find someone who meets your expectations, it won’t be the end, and you won’t achieve ultimate satisfaction, but you will constantly chase the set threshold. And let’s not forget that people are not always up to the task and capable of maintaining highly set standards.
The second problem is that people who bring what we envision also bring many other things that will undoubtedly spoil the imagined picture of the person. For example, the person has a lot of money, but they inherited it from their father – so the money is managed by the father, not the person. Or they are very busy maintaining that money and have no time for you. Or they are very attractive and invest a lot of time in it, so they may even be narcissistic. There are many examples, but I think you understand.
The solution to this, judging by everything, lies in reformulating expectations. Perhaps even letting some of them go. It is also necessary to work on empathy and understanding. We need to stop measuring people by our own standards, as they say. Try to find satisfaction in other things that your partners bring to your life.
Should You stay In your Relationship?
Fear of Boredom
could be a reason why do people give up on relationships so easily.
Let’s say these are people who are emotionally stuck in:
- The teenage years
- FOMO moments
- Accustomed to fast and intense happenings due to social influences
- Dependence on dopamine
This is a modern-day problem because people are bombarded with ideas that they will miss out on something, that the grass is greener on the other side, and that things are the same as they were ten or twenty years ago.
Unfortunately, by chasing these ideas, they miss out on so much. As Jordan Peterson would say, they miss the opportunity to pet a cat.
This problem obviously includes partners as well, because few people are constantly inspiring, and almost no one has the capacity to entertain another person non-stop.
We all have bad days, hormonal changes, and emotional breakdowns, and when those days come, a person becomes boring to someone who does not allow boredom in their life.
People who cannot tolerate boredom are obviously forced to change partners because of this.
I also mentioned dopamine addiction. People who are inclined towards action are usually “dopamine addicts,” the hormone that provides a feeling of satisfaction when we anticipate or achieve something (it works strongest when we are in anticipation).
Dependence on dopamine is fatal and relentless because when you achieve something, the dopamine reaction decreases, and you feel the need to accomplish something next, then next, and then next. Enjoyment in what you have achieved is short-lived, leading to a missed, fundamental enjoyment.
- To get a dopamine boost, people even try to overcome boredom by creating problems, arguing, raising tension, and then reconciling.
If you fear the boredom you feel with your partner, my suggestion is to practice enjoying the small things you already have in your life. Fight against this trap of “I must not miss anything / Others have more fun lives.”
Life is a combination of fun and boring things. We know that fun things are great, but you may not realize that only in “boring” circumstances do we have the opportunity for personal growth. We can achieve many things and develop only with partners with whom we have peace.
- Maybe this example will help you understand better: No plant will grow and develop if you constantly replant it. No plant will grow and develop if it grows in an earthquake-prone area.
Stable partners and long periods of stability (and boredom 🙂 ) are good for you, and it could be said that they will most contribute to your peace and personal growth and development.
How to use dopamine in relationships to make someone think of you
I Am a Child
I often encounter people from whom it is expected that they transition from being a child under someone else’s care to that of an adult with obligations and responsibilities. This can start being expected around their thirties or even later years, and it can be a sort of shock for such people.
- It is certainly quite a shock even for much younger people
- This does not have to be obvious; a person might appear very independent, have their own life, live separated from their parents, and take care of themselves, but still not want the role of an adult.
Adult life, caring for other people, obligations, and responsibilities are not pleasant things for some (a large number of) people, especially if they have lived for a long period where someone took care of them or they themselves did not have to take care of anyone.
Being an adult also implies giving. Of your time, energy, and goodwill. The role of a child is one of receiving, where nothing (or something small) is required in return.
Therefore, it is unsurprising that people want to avoid leaving such dynamics and become adults with responsibilities and obligations to others. Because of this, such people quickly give up on relationships when a partner starts expecting something from them.
They often remain emotionally attached to their parents for a long time and enjoy this role, while any other relationship requiring adulthood scares them or is unpleasant. Because they know that once they step out of the role of a child and into adulthood, there is no turning back.
As I mentioned, parents are an emotional connection and often a source of help for these people.
However, when parents lose their strength or pass away, this person may be left alone and incapacitated for life.
Let’s remember that the transition from one state to another takes years; the person must overcome the initial shock, then learn the game’s new rules and find a suitable partner who can tolerate the old habits that emerge.
If you are in the role of a child, start detaching yourself from that role as soon as possible and learn to give, tolerate, compromise, etc. Of course, if you think you might want an emotional relationship someday. Please do not rely on your parents’ endurance and longevity.
If nothing else, try to acquire these skills. You may need them.
When to fight for a relationship and when to leave it?
The Search for the Ideal Partner
It stems from the idea that such a thing exists. And these ideas indeed come from movies, social networks, fairy tales about princes and princesses, etc.
Although people think that once they find the ideal partner, that’s it. Unfortunately, it doesn’t work that way.
Because ideal people are not easily found and the search for the ideal has nothing to do with external circumstances, but it unfolds in our heads.
So, a person sets their measure (if they even set one, since I’ve heard many times that people know what isn’t ideal for them but need to know what is) and then searches for a person according to such criteria.
When they find them, they usually discover that:
- The person doesn’t actually meet those criteria.
- They don’t meet all of them.
- Other factors affect their ideals. Because of this, the person must discard them again and start searching for a new ideal person, or stay and live very disappointed in that relationship. Neither option seems… ideal.
Therefore, whatever your measures are, consider a few questions:
- Have you ever truly set values for an ideal person?
- On what basis are your criteria built?
- Perhaps they are built on the input you receive around you (photoshopped images, false representations on social networks, unattainable people, celebrities, etc.)
- Are you romantic?
The solution is to find a person who is closest to what you expect from your partner (my suggestion is to determine 5 characteristics that a partner should have and when you find them, either ignore or work on the ones you don’t like). Once you find your person, declare them ideal, admire the qualities they possess. You can also help this person become ideal for you.
In this way, you will likely stabilize your expectations (reduce them a bit) and “improve” the person by working on them (add a bit), and ultimately, you will get your ideal person.
Why We Are In Love With Someone – Psychological Explanation
Societal Pressure and Fear of Judgment
Although societal and environmental pressure can be a cultural issue, I’ve categorized this under immature reasons (I apologize for that; I’ll explain). For instance, a traditional Indian family might expect their child to marry someone of the same nationality, or a conventional Christian might not want their child to be involved with someone of a different faith.
This pressure seeps into and extends across various aspects, marking many people’s lives. My client, who moved from his country to another, was left by his girlfriend because he had the “wrong” name—read nationality.
Now, why did I label this as immature behavior? The girl who left my client succumbed to pressure from her social circle, which did not support him. He told me that they ignored him whenever he was in their company.
This is immature on her part because… let’s frame it this way: who can be most easily managed? Children, right? Doesn’t this imply that people who can be managed have some immature, childish traits?
Societal pressure and fear of judgment do not only come from friends, acquaintances, and social environments. They can also come from family, professional settings, and certain circles.
I understand, and you know too, that people are social beings and depend on the approval of others. But successes in romantic life are also ranked by how socially successful you are. Whether you’ve succeeded as a partner, parent, whether you’re attractive to others… all of this affects the final score of social judgment.
The essence is that it will only be suitable if you find the ideal partner according to others’ (their) criteria, and it will also only be right if you find one at all.
So, it wouldn’t hurt to read this text The Impact of Toxic Friendships on Our Self-Love to inform yourself about the human tendency to sabotage others and make it clear that it’s wisest to rely on your choices.
And if your choices are solid, sound, reliable, and have potential, believe me, sooner or later, you will convince others that you chose well.
In the end, people who refuse to be convinced don’t live your life, and they won’t face the consequences of whom you’ve chosen or rejected, so it might not be best to listen to them carefully.
- If someone who wishes you well recognizes that your partner is a poor choice for you, then it might be legitimate to consider their advice.
You will never satisfy everyone, but the good news is that their satisfaction with your choices generally has nothing to do with the choices themselves. People simply decide whether to accept or reject someone, approve or disapprove, and then stick to that without being open to changing their minds. If they are open to change, they will change it over time.
Don’t become a victim of others’ thoughts, prejudices, uninformed conclusions, malice, ideas, etc. After all, it’s your life.
And don’t forget those who judge you… they’ll later judge you for not having any successful relationships, either.
How To Improve Your Relationship
Okay, that was the second part of why you fall out of love too quickly and give up on relationships.
I recommend reading the others to unravel why you quickly abandon relationships and people.
Remember that finding a suitable partner is not easy and is even more complicated if you are standing in the way of a beautiful love story. Dee
