This practical blog post is a counterbalance to infatuation, fantasies about the future, idealization, obsession, etc. Why are you in love with someone who is in a relationship? What are the possible scenarios, and how will you feel? These are the questions we’ll answer in this text.
There are always chances that you end up in a good and happy relationship with someone who is already in a relationship with someone else. However, percentage-wise, there are fewer chances for this.
But for such a thing to happen, that person should be:
- Entirely delighted and crazy about you.
- Very mature and
- Determined that her relationship with their current partner is not satisfactory enough.
If these three things match, you can have a happy relationship with someone who is currently in another relationship.
A small introduction:
When we think about dating or falling for someone already in a relationship with someone else, we usually think of passion, the unfairness of life, ideal people, etc.
Unfortunately, in addition to these timeless feelings, very grounded realities like human psychology and emotions must be dealt with, whether you are chosen or rejected by the person already in a relationship.
Let this text be purely practical. We will address things you will certainly experience if you are in love with someone who is already in a relationship, the real obstacles you’ll face in such a situation, and things that are rarely discussed.
Why Are We Attracted to People Who Are Already in Relationships?
- Someone who is already in a relationship carries the label of being desirable. If someone else wanted them, they’re not a total failure.
Also from the ability of a person to be with someone, we read reliability, loyalty, that the person is cooperative, that he is socially adequate, etc. All essential qualities for a partner.
- We desire things that others have, and there’s nothing rational behind that (but people are emotional beings first and foremost). Because others are traveling, we also want to travel. So this factor is important too — he has it, and I also want to have it.
- We operate on the principle of hierarchies, meaning we are always unconsciously in competition. Taking someone else’s partner positions us as better, more attractive, and more successful than the person whose partner we’ve taken.
- The person is very seductive. They might be an immature narcissist who wants to have multiple partners or seeks admiration, using their charm to seduce. Or they could be opportunists trying to take as much as possible from life (and people).
Whatever their type, they use all their knowledge and skills in seduction to make you like them and to lure you in. But let’s not forget, this is part of their personality, and it’s well-practiced, and you may have fallen into that trap.
How To Stop Obsessing Over Someone
Psychological Consequences of Being in Love With Someone Who is Taken
With such people, you will likely feel:
Inferior:
- Because you weren’t chosen (if they stay with their partner).
- Because this incredible person is choosing between many partners, who are all waiting for their decision.
- Because you’ve convinced them that they are so unique that multiple people are competing for them, and they won’t want to step out of that role. Isn’t it wonderful to be unique and desired by multiple people?
- As if you owe them something because they chose you.
- Because you’ve already positioned yourself, you want them badly, and they are highly desired.
A different scenario is possible only with a very mature person who truly wants you and thereby equalizes your positions.
How to Overcome Inferiority Complex in a Relationship
Hurt:
If the person doesn’t choose you, it will cause an ego wound and the feeling that someone else has defeated you. Ego wounds aren’t terrible on their own unless they pile up. Like a snowflake, which isn’t dangerous by itself but can become one if many are packed together into a snowball or avalanche.
That’s why one should never put themselves in situations where they cause ego wounds.
Life will give us enough ego wounds on its own. We’ll face rejection at work, colleagues won’t always be fair, friends, family, etc. No one should willingly expose themselves to situations that could hurt them — especially when the outcome is uncertain.
Stuck:
If the person chooses you, you might feel like you owe them something because they chose you and left their previous life behind for you.
If they don’t choose you, you could get stuck in a loop, trying to solve the puzzle of why this person didn’t want you.
People often get stuck in these kinds of things, writing books and making movies about them. This isn’t new or unusual. I want to say that there’s a high chance you’ll also get stuck in it—trying to still win over someone who told you, “No, you’re not good enough for me. This other person is better than you.”
Why We Are In Love With Someone – Psychological Explanation
Waiting for Someone Who Is Already in a Relationship
Of course, things could work out in your favor, but the risks are:
- It might take a long time, and you’ll spend a lot of your precious time waiting.
- You’ll miss many opportunities because you’re committed to waiting for your crush. You’ll become blind to other possibilities.
- The energy investment will be huge, as you’ll be competing against someone else. In normal relationships, you’re fighting for the person’s affection, but in these situations, you’re also fighting against their partner, which will require a lot of energy.
- Since you’ve invested time and energy into this person, they’ll become precious to you. People gain value in our eyes based on the time and energy we invest in them.
- If they choose you, you’ll feel insecure around them because you’ll know that they once liked this other person and that the relationship ended not because the love faded but because you intervened. So, the burning question will remain: Is the love for that person still there?
- If they don’t choose you, the time you’ve invested in them will be irreversibly lost.
How to Let Go Of Someone Who Doesn’t Want You
What Maybe Happens If They Choose You?
Two people wanted them simultaneously, and two people fought for them, showing them how desirable they were. You’ve also elevated them to the level of the best person you’ve ever met because you were willing to fight someone else for them. So, we can comfortably say that this person will always hold a higher position than you in the relationship.
They might resent you. At best, you’ll owe them something. Even if they chose you, you’re still the person who ruined something for them.
I always emphasize that people aren’t rational beings, and even if they choose to be with you, they might still be angry at you for making them give up something solid for you. They might punish you for this.
They’ll need to go through a period of suffering, guilt, regret, and debt to that other person… and you’ll be there for it. This behavior from them might stir up doubts and insecurities in you, as you’ll wonder: do they still want that other person instead of me?
You’ll feel insecure around them because you’ll know they once liked that person and that the relationship ended abruptly. You’ll question whether they still want that person.
Suppose they remain in contact with that person (because of children, slow separation, wanting to ease things for their ex-partner, etc.). In that case, you’ll suspect the relationship is continuing, and this will create problems between you.
In some cases, the relationship will indeed continue in parallel with yours because, let’s not forget: you may have already shown this person they can have two people at once. Why would they give that up?
Because of all these things, the nice part of the relationship where you are happy, stable, and relaxed next to each other may never come. And even if it does, it will take a long time. By a long time, I mean at least a year.
What You Can Do
- Think carefully about everything you’ve read above. Take each point seriously.
- Look at this person rationally and try to see their lack of “specialness.”
- Choose yourself and invest your energy and time in yourself, not in waiting.
- You can reflect on the mechanism of idealization, which is an immature mechanism because children idealize people. Adults shouldn’t do this because they are mature enough to know that ideal people don’t exist.
- Therefore, you should think about why you are idealizing this person. Where does this tendency come from? You may be able to brush off the “stardust” from them.
When to Fight for a Relationship and When to Let Go?
My perspective
Although you are currently in love and uninterested in others’ views, I ask you to consider my perspective because:
- I don’t know your situation, so I am not judging you and remain impartial. I’m simply speaking from experience.
- This perspective might help you see things differently and make your life easier.
Building a good relationship is no easy task, to put it politically correctly. Simply put, building a good relationship is extremely difficult. It takes an enormous amount of adjustment for a relationship to become stable, good, and functional.
If additional complications are added to the relationship (such as the fact that the person is already in a relationship with someone else), you’ll face yet another obstacle.
As if the initial challenges (adjusting to the partner, understanding them, getting to know them, tolerance, acceptance, etc.) weren’t complex enough.
The reality is that your relationship has very little chance of succeeding—half the chance of a regular relationship that started without baggage.
However, in your infatuated state, this might mean nothing to you, but what could matter is that you could end up with a changed person. They can become more narcissistic, blame you for their breakup, and always treat you as inferior because you fought for them. This is the third reason why pursuing such a relationship might not be wise.
And if none of this bothers you, then you should ask yourself: why doesn’t it bother you? What parts of yourself allow you to idealize someone, be willing to hurt yourself, and sacrifice your life and dignity for someone else? Where do these tendencies come from?
Because if you have this tendency, it will spill over into all aspects of your life, not just love.
I hope you found this text useful. Dee
