Human nature can explain why it is true that if we love someone, let them go. And believe me: it’s in your favor đ
Long story short: If someone wants to leave us – we assess that it’s good for us (a natural need arises in us to take care of ourselves and protect ourselves) – we let that person go and are grateful to them for it, so we practically love them – because they worked in our favor.
A Longer Explanation of How This Works
The hypothesis is that we love someone so much that we’ll let them go. This implies that we prioritize their needs over our own.
Psychologically, this is almost impossible, except in parent-child relationships.
Humans are simple, complex, and, in a certain way, selfish beings. Especially emotional. Everyone wants to be happy. No one wants others to be happier than him.
đ Selfishness is not inherently bad, as it’s often perceived. Taking from others, exploiting them, and lacking empathy and consideration are negative traits indicating a problematic superego. However, prioritizing oneself is natural.
Being “selfish” means taking care of oneself and putting oneself first. And this need, as mentioned, emerged long ago; even innocent beings like babies have it, and it’s perfectly natural.
This natural impulse originated in ancient times, when taking more for oneself meant survival.
So, the paradigm is this:
We want that person to be happy because we love them so much.
But if we let that person go, we’re practically depriving ourselves of a chance at happiness and agreeing that they should be happier than us.
As I said, it is unnatural because, emotionally, we are not like that⌠unless we are masochistic in some way, and enjoy pain.
There are some other conditions that potentially justify letting someone go if we love them. If we are:
- Extremely empathetic
- Extremely neurotic
- Extremely altruistic
- Extremely mature
- Masochistic
Let’s analyze each of these behaviors separately.
- You can skip this part, but some people will find it useful.
Being Incredibly Empathetic
It means empathizing with the other person to the extent of understanding why they don’t want us but want something else. To achieve this, we must overcome our ego that constantly says: but you are the best. How can that person not want you??!
Overcoming the ego is tricky because we usually employ many mechanisms precisely to prevent it from being defeated. But hypothetically, we can defeat our ego and and understand the other person’s reasons, put them before our needs, etc. So, completely neglect yourself. This leads us to:
Neuroses
Increased neuroses make it easier for people to “defeat” their ego (technically, neuroses drive us to use certain mechanisms to adapt, in this case, to the fact that we are less important).
Neuroses mean that we are afraid to fight for ourselves. Since we are so scared, we rationalize that it’s okay for the other person to leave us. However, even though this thought is unbearable to us, this is how we find a way to justify ourselves and find peace with it.
- I’m afraid to stand up for myself. – I rationalize to myself that it’s okay for them not to want me, so it’s easier for me – I let them go.
In any case, if neuroses are nurtured – they grow. Neuroses can go so far and develop into other conditions (masochism, for example). We can begin to enjoy the fact that this person has hurt us or abandoned us. We may even triumph over that person’s victories. We can think that it is good for them that they left us. Oh yeahâŚit’s amazing how far we humans can go.
Masochism
Some people in this group consciously enjoy pain, while others are unaware of it.
Iâm sure youâve met someone who tends toward melancholy, listens to sad songs, and always finds a more negative perspective on life. You might also notice that this person puts themselves in situations that cause them pain (such as enduring a long period of suffering after a breakup or creating (subtly) situations where others reject them). This is what masochism is.
- You have such characters in literature in Jean-Paul Sartre, Virginia Woolf, etc.
Such people will obviously enjoy the fact that someone leaves them, because they will have space for suffering⌠which they enjoy.
I understand how this sounds. Impossible! Someone would enjoy suffering!? However, if you look around, you’ll notice that people do bizarre things, such as SM sex, which is only explicable in the way that they do it because they enjoy it.
But let’s get back to the topic.
If you belong to this group, then it’s easy for you to say If he loves someone, let them go; that’s what you’re really in for.
Altruism
There’s a whole line of thought where psychologists wonder if there is true altruism or if every act of altruism is just a way for us to feel good about doing something good. So, once again, it comes back to us feeling good. It’s not about others. Read more about it here.
But if we stick to this topic, we can practically say that we want to let someone goâto feel good about ourselves. We want to be more noble, better people, resilient, kinder, and libidinous than others. We want to have power over our ego, etc… which ultimately leads us to narcissism.
Because doesn’t this remind you of something? Doesn’t the tendency of narcissists to be better than others resonate with this?
Practically, it turns out that we are a little narcissistic if we want someone else to be better off than us, because we want to be a higher being than everyone (complex loop, but you are smart, you understand me đ).
But no matter how interesting and philosophical this topic is, today’s question is whether it’s true that if you love someone, let them go.
You can read more about why you are in love with someone in these texts:
Why We Are In Love With Someone â Psychological Explanation
And Finally, We Come to Maturity
This is what people talk about when they ask: Is it true that if you love someone, let them go.
Maturity is the only way to be well when letting someone go from our lives.
It implies that we understand what’s happening in front of us. We understand that the person doesn’t want us and their reasons, whether related to us or to them. We understand that someone not wanting us doesn’t damage our ego or say anything negative about us.
Maturity means being okay with someone leaving us. We remain unscathed and free from illusions about that person. Most importantly, we donât believe weâre less worthy or think poorly of ourselves just because someone doesnât want us.
And because we are not emotionally agitated, but are calm and stable, we can see that person for who they really are. And we can continue to love those qualities of theirs. She or he left us, but they are still, let’s say, good people. Or intelligent. Or something else. And we can love all of that.
But above all, we love that person precisely because they set us free and did not enslave us in a bad relationship.
When we’re mature, we understand that it can actually be beneficial when people leave.
dee penco
We recognize that staying would likely be more challenging and unpleasant than parting ways, and their departure ultimately frees us.
Practically, maturity says:
dee penco
You’re doing me a favor by leaving, so thank you.
I wish you all the best because you didn’t hold me back and destroy other opportunities for me.
Therefore, when we let someone go and do it out of maturity, we love them for being fair to us.
And that brings us back to the title of this text: If you love someone, let them go.
If we truly love someone, we’ll let them go. But that doesn’t mean we love them as a partner and in a romantic senseâbut in a human, friendly sense.
In fact, we love what they’ve done for usâliberated us. We are grateful to them.
And that finally brings us to the completely natural need I mentioned at the beginning of the textâthe need to take more for ourselves (or “selfishness” đ).
This is probably the opposite of what you expected, but it’s quite logical, isn’t it?
And Now Everything Finally Fits Together
So, if someone wants to leave us – we assess that it’s good for us – a natural need arises in us to take care of ourselves and protect ourselves – we let that person go and are grateful to them for it, so we practically love them – because they worked in our favor.
So, the conclusion is both yes and no.
đIf we truly love someone and let them go but do it for the wrong reasons – then it’s neither good, true, nor true love.
đBut if we love someone and let them go for the right reasons – then we can say that’s the ultimate love… but only if we understand that process well.
- We can say we understand it well if we feel it’s okay and it doesn’t disturb us.
I love you because you freed me, because I understand we’re not meant for each other, and because I want to nurture positive feelings (they’re much better for me than negative ones). I let you go because I see who you are, because you’re not right for me, and because you freed me to find my happiness, it’s okay for me to free you to find yours.
I let you go primarily for myself because I love myself… and it seems you love me enough not to keep me in something that isn’t good for me. Practically, I love that you love me enough to set me free.
So yes, if you love someone, you’ll let them go. But for yourself, not for them. Towards them, you’ll feel gratitude. Dee
