Psychological insights on relationships: rejections, breakups, making relationships happy, unhealthy dynamics, and general psychology.

2 Psychological Reasons Behind Obsession After Rejection

Reasons for obsession after rejection are found in the ego’s defense mechanisms and in some innate or learned needs in us.

Man and woman. Obsession after rejection

These two emotional and psychological forces (the feeling of inferiority and ego injury) make it very difficult for us to give up on someone who rejected us, even when we see that we can never be with that person, that they are unimportant, or that they are far below our level.

Here, you can read more about the mechanisms used by the ego when we are in love.

The first force is the feeling of inferiority

We all start in inferior roles. When we were kids, and until the age of 18 or even longer, we’re in an inferior position compared to our parents. The feeling of inferiority is familiar to us. That’s why it’s also acceptable that someone is more important than us.

Mother and child

To be precise, in some way, being inferior is something we recognize as love because our parents were our first love in life. It could be said that we expect our love to be someone to whom we feel somewhat inferior.
So, love is partly composed of the feeling of inferiority towards another person.

  • A little clarification on this: We remember from childhood how things will look. What will relationships with people look like, how will anger look, what will love look like, how should work be done, etc.
    We literally look at our parents and make a psychological and emotional record, and because of them, according to that pattern, we later recognize what anger, love, etc. are. Everything that does not remind us of that is not love. If our mother made us orange juice, we would later recognize such a thing as love.
  • This is obviously an over-simplified version, but it partially explains loving someone. The more similar it is to the suit from our childhood, the more it will suit us because we recognize it as love.

And is there a more inferior role then when someone tells us they don’t want us?

By continuing this analogy, we can expand the story to include a traumatic emotional trigger: being rejected by someone significant. Because once upon a time, there was a real danger that we wouldn’t survive if important figures rejected us. When someone leaves us, the emotional trigger and reaction are the same because it was very dangerous and terrifying for many years. That’s why we need that person to accept us back and obsession occurs.

Man and woman

In any case, the person who rejected us said they didn’t want us and thereby made themselves better than us. Because logically, only the better ones can reject the worse ones.

It is precisely for this reason that I recommend that people always consider the other person somewhat inferior to themselves. It could be in a way that you will earn more, exercise more than your partner, or be more successful. Or in a way that you will occasionally reject your partner. The third option is, of course, to “command” your partner. You seek things for yourself or insist on them.

The person will feel the same thing that they once felt from their first love objects. They will feel that from time to time someone holds them down, has expectations from them, and that they will not count against that person’s will.

The bottom line is that from time to time, they will have the opportunity to repeat the love situation that they are so used to throughout their lives.

  • And although some will say that this is a game, it is not. This is a matter of knowing human nature and what drives people.
  • This explains a lot about falling in love with powerful people, serious people, and people who do what they want, doesn’t it?

The second force is ego injury

A beautiful woman

On the other hand, this is about the need for our ego to maintain our image of us as exceptional and worthy. The ego’s role is essentially to maintain a person’s image, and it uses various mechanisms for that.

  • Just for the purposes of this text, let me explain: The ego is all of us (not what is traditionally thought of, pride and vanity. I am referring here to Freud’s ego.)

Different alarms go off when a person is rejected: Someone sees me as bad! Someone doesn’t want me. I am not good enough.

Because of these insights into oneself, the ego suffers. And the only way to comfort it is for the person who rejected us to deny it and say: I still accept you.

The way someone will defend their ego depends primarily on its strength.

Handsome man

If the ego is weak, because it was hurt many times or because it was hurt in a bad period of life (formative age, when we were formed as a person) in such a way that we did not receive enough dedication from our parents or that our parents rejected us – in that case, the ego needs to use many mechanisms. This phenomenon is often called an immature ego. The ego has not matured enough for a person to become secure.

Practically, it can be said that the more immature or weaker ego people have, the more they suffer and idealize other people. This leads to obsession.

  • This does not apply to narcissists. They also have a very weak (unintegrated) ego, but at some point they decided/convinced themselves that they are better than everyone else. That is why they shy away from everyone who shows them that they are not.

The bottom line is that when someone rejects a person, their ego needs repair, and the best repair can obviously be done by the person who rejected them.

This is why we remain obsessed with the person who rejected us and wait for our chance to show them that we are not so bad.

  • Such examples can often be seen openly in the sports world, where, for example, some reporters do not appreciate an athlete and then the latter often mentions him in interviews.

Why did I explain this to you? Because, in order to face something, we have to know what we are facing. If our leg hurts, it is better to know if it is broken or if we have varicose veins. The moment we know what we are facing, we can apply the right therapy. We will not think that our condition is unsolvable or try the wrong therapies that will not give good results. Rather, we will “attack” the real problem in a targeted manner, we will not wander, and in the end, we will be cured.

Hug you. Dee.

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