These are nine very real reasons why breakups are so hard to bear, but there are also solutions for each of these reasons separately. I hope they will be useful to you and help to make it hurt less.
- We have experienced betrayal through a breakup from the person who should be most loyal to us.
- If the most trusted person hurts us, won’t everyone else hurt us too?
- We are forced to change our plans.
- We have to start all over again.
- The investment we made in that relationship has failed.
- We are deemed not as valuable due to an ego injury.
- The person doesn’t see us. They don’t see who we are.
- And what they do see, they don’t like.
- If the breakup was ugly, that last period must also be worked through.
Why Does It Sting the Most When Our Partner Chooses Someone New Over Us?
1. We have experienced betrayal through a breakup from the person who should be most loyal to us.
This undermines the veil of our trust in people. If our most trusted person has betrayed us, what should we expect from other people? And not only that. What does it say about us? That we can’t judge people? That we are naive? We don’t have basic self-protection mechanisms when we have trusted a person who has betrayed us.
We must understand that the most essential thing in our lives is self-preservation. If we cannot protect ourselves and go so far as to believe wholeheartedly in a person who betrayed us, it alarms us that we are in mortal danger.
These are, of course, ancient alarms that were designed to warn us of our enemies and to preserve us. Those alarms are not as necessary today, but they are still there. After all, they serve our survival by remembering who our enemy is and not allowing them to get close to us and use us.
The essence is that betrayal by a loved one is difficult because it undermines our trust in ourselves, our self-preservation abilities, and other people.
Here, I have to tell you that: This experience of breakup is so important and precious for your future life.
You may not see it now because all of this is painful for you, but this very experience is one of the best permanent skills you could ever acquire. It serves to never misjudge people you will let into your life again.
Think about what you didn’t see. What red flags did you miss? Think about the criteria you used to choose that person. Think about how you will prevent such betrayal next time and protect yourself.
Make plans on how you will let someone into your life next time, at what speed, and under what conditions. And you will be safe.
This new ability of yours (which you have acquired by force) can help you survive in this world with as few injuries as possible. Having the ability to judge people in time is like a super power.
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2. What about all the other people?
You are afraid of how other people will treat you if that person has hurt you
People are different. People are good or bad by their own decisions. It’s up to us to learn to recognize good and bad people.
There are traditional methods to recognize who we have in front of us.
We observe how they behave towards others and listen to how they talk about others. We check their attitudes towards life. What does respect mean for that person, and what does betrayal mean? How sharp are their moral and ethical edges? What kind of relationships do they have with other people? How they talk to us. What are their plans in life—honorable or dishonorable? The way people speak or behave says a lot about them.
We can recognize who we have in front of us only if we listen carefully.
People quickly reveal who they are because they talk about themselves and their needs.
We need to set our filters for people and have the patience to wait for one person who will pass through all those filters to appear.
Once again, this is how you establish the skills you need to coexist with people to be safe.
Never forget: You only need one person you can trust—just one, so there’s no pressure to find five of them or find them right away.
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3. We are forced to change our plans.
With the person we were with, we had everything planned: our life together, the city we would live in, where we would go on vacation next summer, and even tentative plans for our travels together this year. We had planned out our family with that person. This is not a small thing, especially regarding a woman’s fertility.
After someone leaves us, we are compelled to change our life plans. The place we’ll live, the timing of when we’ll have children—everything.
Generally, people aren’t fond of making plans (they’re okay with small things, but big plans require immense mental effort since they’re crucial aspects of our lives and need careful consideration). So, it’s hard for people when they’re compelled to start planning everything from scratch.
The trick is to make all this less burdensome. You should, as much as possible, begin planning your new life without that person with joy. Given the changed circumstances, opportunities have opened up for you.
Perhaps you don’t have to live the life you planned together, but something completely different. You could invest some of your resources in yourself.
- When I explained this concept to one of my clients, and when he started planning his life from scratch and implementing his plans, he was thrilled (apart from the hurts caused by the breakup) with the opportunities that arose. He no longer had to develop his wife’s business but could invest money in traveling, clothing, and flirting with new, attractive women. After a while, he was very hesitant about wanting to get back into that relationship because of his new plans. And after some time, he declared that he did not want to be in that relationship anymore. He had great plans for his life.
Your attitude toward plans depends on you. You’ll be even more unhappy if you’re negative or desperate about changing plans.
Embrace the change in plans with enthusiasm and joy. That is at least the best you can do for yourself in this situation.
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4. We have to start all over again.
We have to start dating people again, get ready for outings, and explain things about ourselves to people. We have to try and get through breakups with different people all over again.
We also have to explain to our people what’s happening in our lives—why we chose a new partner, why it didn’t work out, and what we want from this new person.
No one likes to start things from scratch again. Think of a business project or taking exams from scratch.
The thought of getting back into the dating scene and going through every part of the process from the beginning is usually unbearable, and it will take some time to gather the strength to do so.
But, when you do these things from the beginning again, thanks to hormones, it will be much more pleasant than you think today 😊 You won’t roll your eyes at getting ready for someone else, but you’ll do it with enthusiasm and excitement if you like the person.
So, even though it feels painful today to start everything from scratch, things will change over time, and new beginnings can be exciting, interesting, passionate, fun, and promising.
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5. The investment we made in that relationship has failed.
Imagine having a small shop and investing in it for several years (or months). It would be highly frustrating to have to close it down. That’s why people often invest a little more, and a little more, to sustain something they’ve already invested in.
When an investment fails, we mourn it for years. Many of my clients talk to me about failed emotional investments after a breakup, but also about business ones, education, friendships, etc. Some never recover from them.
People regret paying for someone’s education, starting a business, giving advice, supporting them while they develop, shielding them from the world, investing emotionally, and so on. People find it hard to recover from failed investments.
There’s a rule in economics: A good investor knows when to exit their investment.
However, only some people adhere to this rule when it comes to the emotional world. We hope that if we add more value to something, it will eventually pay off. Unfortunately, this makes the investment even bigger and harder to leave.
If at any point we rationally assess that the investment is not good, we should abandon it regardless of our previous stake.
One way to think about it is this: If we had continued to stay in a relationship doomed to fail, it would only mean an even greater loss—a more significant loss of time, emotions, good days, money, and who knows what else.
Likewise, dealing with the relationship after it has ended means that you continue to invest in it. Months and maybe years.
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6. We are declared not worthy – ego injury.
I often talk about this. Our ego hardly survives rejection because it tells us we are not worthy. The ego is our whole being.
To maintain a good image of ourselves, we use ego defense mechanisms.
However, when someone rejects us, using these mechanisms is very difficult because we’ve received a clear message. The ego is, therefore, “writhing in agony” because it practically has nothing at its disposal to comfort us (that’s why people often resort to psychotic mechanisms).
The point is that the worse the ego is, the harder rejection hits it. So, the more we are hurt when the ego is formed, the worse its condition; in that case, it’s harder for it when someone doesn’t like us. The solution to this lies in strengthening our ego. This is quite well achieved in psychotherapy, where wounds are healed. However, working on the aspects that need strengthening is even better.
For example, if we believe we’re not educated enough and someone rejects us because of that, the best option is certainly to educate ourselves. This sounds simple but is true (truths are always simple 😊). And this is the best remedy for healing our ego.
The way to repair the ego is to invest in ourselves.
Progressing in all areas, we desire to become the best version of ourselves because, in that case:
- We prove to ourselves that that person was wrong to leave us because we have become better.
- We are doing something useful, something we’ll be proud of later
- Our outward personality aligns with what our ego thinks of us.
- We use fewer defense mechanisms.
- We become a better, more attractive version of ourselves.
- And because of that, our lives changed.
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7. The person doesn’t see us. They don’t see who we are.
This is an unusual lesson for people. How can they not see us? Don’t they see that we’re beautiful and successful? Do they see that everyone wants us?
People often can’t see you. Let me compare it to the Sentineles tribe (although there are probably other tribes where a mobile phone is an unusual sight). Imagine showing the latest iPhone to someone from the Sentineles tribe and expecting them to recognize it as an extremely valuable phone.
Or, better yet, imagine telling someone moving within a 10-radius circle about the benefits of flying.
Just because something is extraordinary doesn’t mean people recognize it.
And no, I’m not saying your partners are tribal people who move within small radii.
But I’m saying your former partners grew up with specific teachings and needs. This probably prevents them from seeing your value – because in their system, what you bring is not good enough/interesting enough/ valuable enough, etc.
Suppose your partner is raised in an environment that values only money. They can’t see the value in you being highly educated or entertaining. It’s irrelevant to them because only money is valuable in their system.
- Don’t confuse this with that: opposites attract each other. Opposites can be exotic to us and attract us only for a short time.
Therefore, when someone doesn’t see you, it’s okay, and the alarm should ring for you: I have no common ground with this person. Our relationship can never survive because they don’t see my value. What I bring to them is irrelevant, so we shouldn’t be together anymore.
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8. And what they do see, they don’t like.
Let’s say that person is very critical of what you bring. Let’s say she or he doesn’t like how you behave or walk. Or they don’t like your circle of friends (also part of your ego). They don’t like what they see.
For heaven’s sake, that’s you! If she or he doesn’t like decent things that don’t disrupt anything in their lives, they aren’t the right person for you. You’re even opposed to the point that they don’t like who you are, even if you’ve nurtured and developed that for years.
My recommendation is not to stay with people who don’t like you.
Let’s be clear: that doesn’t make them villains, but it makes them your opposites. Their values and tastes are opposite of what you offer. That doesn’t mean they’re bad, but they’re definitely different from you.
Also, there’s very little chance that someone will change their mind and decide that someone else’s values are better. People just aren’t like that. People like to stick to their beliefs and enforce their taste for things.
Remember, their values and taste have been built and nurtured for years, so there’s very little chance they’ll change their mind about what you offer. If they aren’t already smitten with you.
Is my relationship worth fighting for?
9. If the breakup was ugly, that last period must also be addressed.
Let’s say someone did you wrong. They took everything they could from you or hurt you deeply. Or there may have been violence. Maybe you suffered insults and humiliations from them.
That’s also a part you need to confront because you’ve experienced someone you trusted hurting you in a very ugly way.
To understand this, it is necessary to review the last period and consider how it happened. Why did you allow such treatment, and what circumstances led to it?
It’s also important to see yourself more clearly to avoid repeating the mistakes you’ve made until then.
After that, it’s necessary to heal the wounds that have occurred. I recommend counseling with a psychotherapist or counselor who can help you rearrange things.
It is also necessary to work intensively on that part of yourself that allowed bad treatment. If you manage to resolve this, you should never again find yourself in a situation where you experience poor treatment.
I hope this text has been helpful in understanding the real reasons why a breakup hurts so much. I’m rooting for you and sending positive energy to get through this challenging period as soon as possible.
