In this article, I have outlined the most typical situations and reasons for either leaving or saving a relationship. You’ll also find suggestions on testing yourself and your partner to determine whether your relationship is worth preserving.
Because relationships should not be ended lightly, carefully considering such a decision would be wise.
If I were in your place, I would thoroughly inform myself and, after much deliberation, decide whether to fight for or leave the relationship.
Do You Both Want to Fix Your Relationship?
You’re reading this because, I assume, you are weighing whether to stay or leave the relationship. So, your first parameter should be whether your partner also wants the relationship to succeed.
Test this by doing the following:
- Determine what changes you will make and ask your partner also to make changes.
- Keep the changes small, for example: “We won’t argue for a week,” and see if this is achievable.
- Set a specific time frame for trying (for instance, 3 months).
- Set the exact number of failed attempts that are allowed.
If you want to save the relationship, please consider all the efforts—big or small—that both you and your partner make.
This is important because people in unhealthy dynamics often revert to old patterns when the other person tries to make changes.
For example, suppose someone tries to stop arguing by simply staying quiet and listening. In that case, the other partner might provoke them to discuss restoring the old dynamic. This could happen out of habit, fear of change, etc.
Therefore, if you notice that both of you have tried to change, that’s a good sign. The fact that it hasn’t worked perfectly means more effort is needed.
However, if neither side has made an attempt or change within the time frame you set, it’s likely a sign that the relationship should be ended.
You Have Conflicts
Which ones are solvable, and which ones probably aren’t
Conflicts that are normal:
- You don’t insult each other.
- You don’t bring up past issues just to argue.
- You don’t feel like someone is trying to hurt the other.
- You don’t feel like one of you is purely destructive or conflict-driven.
- There is no violence.
Everything opposite of this may fall under conflicts that are perhaps not resolvable.
Before declaring these conflicts unsolvable:
- Check what part you are playing in them.
- Set small, short-term goals regarding these conflicts (e.g., “We won’t bring up past issues in our next argument”) and test whether you can achieve them.
- Speak with a couples’ counselor.
Is Your Partner Doing Something Unforgivable?
Please, in this situation (as with everything else), be honest with yourself.
We tend to interpret others’ behaviors as good or bad for our reasons.
For example, if you are overly sensitive for your reasons, you might easily perceive your partner’s behavior as offensive. In this case, the issue isn’t leaving your partner or focusing on them, but rather addressing yourself (and yes, it’s more complex than that, which is where psychotherapy comes in).
In this scenario, you should carefully analyze yourself and how you perceive things. I strongly recommend a counselor or therapist who can view the entire situation objectively and clearly.
However, if, through this analysis, you realize that you are indeed:
- Enduring physical, psychological, or emotional abuse,
- Feeling constant emotional pain or psychological pressure,
You should leave the relationship. Regardless of whether you may also be seeking “a love similar to childhood love,” which may have been abusive in one way or another, you cannot heal while in a relationship with an abusive person.
What I mean is that even if you are contributing to the problem (perhaps provoking your partner to recreate that “childhood love”), staying in the relationship will prevent either of you from healing. It’s like trying to heal while constantly being exposed to another source of infection (sexually transmitted diseases are a good comparison). You both need to heal separately, which would, in this case, mean separation.
Your Partner Cheated
There are many articles on this blog about infidelity. It would be worthwhile to read them to guide yourself through the issue (and not all insist on separation—some do), but I recommend these:
Do Cheaters Always Cheat Again?, Do Cheaters Ever Change?, How to Get Back in a Relationship with a Cheater | 1.
Your Partner Is Destructive or Self-Destructive
This is pretty easy to recognize, as such individuals destroy good things.
Destructive or self-destructive people do not fix things. They destroy because they have that force in them.
The only chance with such partners is for them to undergo psychotherapy because the tendency towards destruction and self-destruction can be said, but mostly with professional help.
Hypothetically, you can also help your partner in this. Still, the mechanisms of destruction and self-destruction can be very insidious.
It’s a Case of Your Current Infatuation
Let’s say you’ve fallen in love with someone else or gotten a better-paying job. Now you’ve decided to leave your partner because you believe in a better future without them.
Or maybe you’ve gained more courage due to an improved financial situation, love romance, etc.
The future is unpredictable. Even the safest things can fall apart, so betting on infatuation or a better situation is risky.
Spend time studying these new circumstances or this new person before deciding to break up.
Do You Respect and Love Your Partner?
Because they do things that deserve respect, you respect what they provide for you, their personality, and their character.
If your partner still has qualities you can respect, but you have many destructive dynamics between you, consider fighting for the relationship and against those dynamics.
We keep quality people; we fight against their personality traits.
There’s No Respect from Either Side
Respect and love are connected and part of each other. In adult relationships, we cannot love someone we don’t respect. This only works with children; even then, we find ways to appreciate them while they are young.
However, suppose you’re in a relationship where one or both of you no longer respect the other (for what they do, what they bring to the table, who they are as a person, etc.). In that case, this is probably a good reason to end the relationship.
If you want, before breaking up, try one last thing: cultivate mutual respect by consciously appreciating the things your partner does and vice versa.
Signals of lack of respect also include:
- Lost trust and continuous betrayal. It falls into selfishness and a lack of respect toward you.
- Your partner is entirely focused on themselves.
- They believe that who you are and what you bring to the relationship are not valuable enough for them to refrain from their current activities.
And let’s remember, once again, respect equals love.
You Have a Good Person Beside You Who Loves You
No one is perfect—problems are a part of every relationship.
The idea that there is a “better” partner is an illusion. Every relationship requires a lot of work, and this is not just a cliché.
Relationships become very good (though rarely perfect) when effort is put into them.
Pursuing a perfect partner is an illusion, and no matter who you find, you will still need to work on the relationship to maintain it—and that’s a lot of work.
So, if you will face this with anyone, why not do it with your imperfect partner?
Does Your Partner Love You?
How to Know If Your Partner Loves You:
- They listen to you and they try to understand you
- Accordingly, they try to fix things
- They try to make your life easier.
- They try to make you happy.
Even if the person makes mistakes, focusing on these things and taking care of you probably means they love you. It’s not easy to find people who make an effort for us.
Consider overlooking and working on your partner’s flaws in this case.
However, if these things are absent, it’s likely a good reason to leave the relationship.
Would You Easily Find Another Relationship?
There are reasons why people struggle to find good relationships. To find a good partner, you must assess yourself and your potential objectively.
Also, suppose you want to end this relationship. In that case, you must be prepared to be alone for some time (possibly even years) before finding a good partner.
Comfort and Security—Don’t Disregard What Is Stable
Your desire for passion, love, or something different might make you want to leave the relationship and ignore that you only have the space to think about love and passion because you have security and comfort.
It may sound harsh, but this is an essential factor to weigh. If you lose comfort, you might have less time to focus on love, passion, and fun.
However, it’s essential to assess your need for comfort. This includes:
Fear of loneliness, for example. In this case, it’s important to weigh which state is more challenging to endure: being alone but having the chance for a better relationship or staying in a relationship that isn’t right for you. Whatever you choose, you should accept it and try to make the best of it. If you change your mind later and choose the other path, then make the best of that choice.
The Relationship Holds You Back and Makes You a Worse Version of Yourself
Despite everything mentioned, and even if you have a good person who loves you and doesn’t make drastic mistakes, if the relationship is holding you back, you may choose to leave.
People can be good, but lazy, unambitious, your plans for life or future may not match, etc.
But before you decide to leave, consider that you might be making a mistake and that you may regret it later. If you can imagine how you’ll feel if you regret your decision and realize that you’ll be okay (perhaps you are a very strong person), then you’ll know that you won’t miss your partner, even if you left a good person who loves you.
Children or Shared Responsibilities
When shared responsibilities exist within a relationship, it appears one way, but when there is a separation or divorce, it appears completely different. It takes a lot of logistics to make things work, and I urge you to take this seriously. Carefully evaluate what separation would look like in terms of logistics.
I recommend two things:
- Don’t romanticize or assume that things will work themselves out “I’ll figure it out. The universe will take care of it.”.
- Consider the worst-case scenario—for example, you might receive no help from your partner.
If you assess that you can manage even in this case, then perhaps you can leave the relationship. However, I still do not recommend it (especially if you’ve gone through the above checklist and found nothing drastic in your relationship that signals leaving).
Why? Separations usually aren’t “clean slates,” and leaving responsibilities behind brings a host of new problems—issues with children’s psychological and emotional well-being, financial problems, environmental changes, judgments of people to deal with, and so on.
Weigh your options carefully if you are in such a relationship. Think about every aspect and try to imagine it in the future carefully and in detail. How much time and energy will you have for new moments? What are the worst scenarios, and what is the solution for them? How will you feel and what will you do if you lose some people (perhaps your children or friends) because of that parting? Etc.
Something like this should not be left to chance and taken lightly.
Healthy Strategies for Making a Decision
- Assessing the future of the relationship based on past patterns.
- As the saying goes, history repeats itself. If the relationship hasn’t been good for the past year, likely, it won’t improve.
- Evaluate your goals and whether your partner can support and participate in them.
- Can your partner respect the boundaries you set?
- Consulting with professionals who can objectively view your situation.
- Assessing your role in the relationship. Identify what part of the dysfunction is your responsibility. If it’s 5%, acknowledge it. If it’s 50%, recognize that too. But don’t go beyond 50%, as that’s practically impossible.
- How much positivity or negativity has the relationship brought you?
Signs You Made the Right Decision
A feeling of inner peace and relief.
Not excitement, freedom, or potential, but peace. Sure, you’ll initially feel unsettled because a breakup is an emotional and psychological blow. However, if you still feel relief after leaving the relationship, it’s probably a sign you made the right choice.
Better functioning in everyday life.
If you feel that everything is more accessible because your partner is no longer holding you back like a weight.
Be mindful not to confuse this with your partner, preventing you from harming yourself. Of course, it’s easier to spend your life savings if your partner isn’t stopping you, but that doesn’t mean it’s better.
Freedom to fulfill your true potential.
But not imagined potential (“Now I can become a Hollywood actor!”). Of course, suppose your partner was preventing you from becoming a Hollywood actor, and you have a realistic chance of doing so. In that case, this counts as fulfilling true potential.
You no longer spend your life fixing the problems your partner continually creates.
This obviously refers to problems that are easy to see (let’s say your partner incurs debts) but also to issues such as Your partner constantly creating situations that make you emotionally upset, your partner continually having problems that you need to deal with, and because of this, you are not making progress either, neither in your relationship nor in your life, etc.
Leaving a relationship is not a small decision but a small thing—especially a close emotional relationship. Therefore, take every sentence you read with a grain of salt.
Even if you stop fighting for your relationship and leave it today, that doesn’t mean you’ll be happy with that decision in a few years.
For this reason, the most essential item is whether you have worked through and evaluated your future in the relationship and if you break up. Have you assessed your distant future? Have you taken into account the worst-case scenarios and how you will behave and feel in them?
Because of our current emotional state and the reasons that trouble us, it is very challenging to evaluate this objectively. That’s why I also recommend talking to a benevolent, objective expert for this.
If you have evaluated everything mentioned above and this, then you have your answer.
I hope you found this text useful. Dee
