Here are detailed steps on what to do when someone has cheated. I have divided the text into several stages to make the steps clearer for you. So, how do you get back into a relationship with a cheater.
In my career, I’ve had dozens of clients who decided to stay with someone who cheated on them, but also hundreds who decided that cheating was the end of the relationship with a cheater.
Sometimes I’m surprised at myself, at my explanations and justifications for always being optimistic and thinking about infidelities (since it’s my profession).
However, the truth is that when it comes to cheating, I still see more reasons to stay in the relationship than to end it.
I’ve outlined reasons to stay with someone who cheated in this text: Is It Worth Staying With a Cheater?, so if you find yourself relating to these reasons, it’s time to understand how to stay with that person.
I’ve divided the process of staying with someone who cheated into a few phases, and I believe all of them are necessary for the relationship to become functional again.
These phases are the most reasonable way to get back into a relationship with someone.
Relationship With Someone Who Cheated on You – How to Do It
0. Prerequisite for relationship with a cheater
Do not rage, insult, or lose control. Do not stoop below your dignity. If you’ve been doing this so far, stop.
Your partner needs to see you as someone worthy. If you rage, your partner can easily:
- Rationalize why they cheated on you (I cheated because he or she is always like this. They hurt me).
- Think that reconciliation is impossible.
- Turn the situation against you by focusing on your temperament rather than what happened (changing the topic to your behavior: “You’re insulting me. I don’t want to talk about cheating when you’re insulting me!“.
- Think they were right to choose the other person over you… Because you’re raging, (even if you don’t reconcile, don’t give them that pleasure. Let them think they were wrong their whole life).
- Say things that you might regret later.
- Portray yourself in a bad light.
- You would not achieve anything with this behavior.
Phase 1: Separation
- Communicate to your partner that you need this time apart.
- The duration of this phase should be between 2 and 6 months.
- If possible, separate physically; if not, separate in every possible way.
- It doesn’t matter if you remain in contact. In that case, the contact should be formal. Do not meet with your partner during this period.
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Reduced Contact with Partner
Many people will constantly contact their partner out of fear of separation. Separation can allow your partner to stay in contact with the person they cheated with, and this is a real danger.
However, if you consider it objectively, rationally, and a bit deeper, you will reach some obvious conclusions.
- If you stay with your partner who cheated on you, you won’t teach them anything. Things remain entirely the same.
- You will fall into your partner’s eyes because you’re unable to stand up for yourself. They will become more important to you than your dignity.
- The partner won’t get the chance to experience life without you, which is comfortable enough to allow space for cheating.
- You won’t get to think everything through because you’ll both be emotional, and your interactions won’t be good.
For all these reasons, it’s worth considering the option of separating from your partner who cheated on you. What you gain from this:
- The partner will fear that this is the definitive end.
- You will rise in your partner’s eyes because you will show dignity.
- The partner will be able to see that you can live without them.
- You will teach your partner that there are consequences for wrongdoing.
- The partner will have the chance to experience life without you, (which will inevitably be much more complex).
- The partner might get the opportunity to get to know the new person without obstacles, and although this sounds disastrous to you, it’s usually a good thing. Remember, people carry much irrelevant stuff within them, and your partner will have the chance to see it earlier in that person.
Let’s be clear: the purpose of separation is the punishment your partner needs to feel. Anyone who intentionally makes a mistake and hurts another person should experience adequate punishment.
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Rearranging Thoughts
Something wasn’t right in your relationship. And even if you believe this statement doesn’t apply to your relationship with a cheater because it was harmonious, you did many good things together, your partner received a lot of attention and benefits from you, and perhaps you even have children, businesses, or loans together, this statement still holds.
If nothing else, at least your partner’s idea of the relationship wasn’t right, which clearly questions their personality.
But let’s be creative; what might not have been right? You didn’t clearly communicate the consequences of cheating. You communicated it to them too rigidly (you threatened your partner and became unpleasant)). Perhaps you and your partner have different ideas about the relationship and life. Or you got too relaxed in the relationship. Maybe your partner cheated because they don’t respect you for some reason (perhaps they don’t respect anyone much), etc.
Something wasn’t right in your relationship, and it would be good to figure out what that was during this period because this is precisely the area you’ll need to work on once you return to the relationship with a cheater.
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Therefore, this period must be used to:
1. Understand what went wrong in your relationship.
Be wise and brave enough to acknowledge the mistake, whether it’s your partner’s or yours. There’s no point in only focusing on the side that’s easier for us (it doesn’t always have to be the partner; sometimes, we blame ourselves). It’s essential to see where each side went wrong and devise a strategy to correct it.
2. Create Strategies.
These need to be devised (no matter how difficult they might be to implement) because you’ll need them when you return to the relationship with a cheater.
- Example: You realize your partner cheated because they took you for granted.
- Strategy: I will develop my business, socialize with other people, start engaging in hobbies, etc., to the extent that my partner can no longer take me for granted.
3. Reflect on Your Perception of the Relationship.
This is another area for contemplation. Is this relationship what you wanted out of life? Have you received what you need from this relationship? It would be good for you to get a lot out of this relationship because you potentially have to return to it. You need to see your benefits as good and have valid reasons to agree to coexist with that partner. Essentially, you must have some good reasons for staying in that relationship after cheating.
4. Working on Yourself
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This period of separation from your partner should be used for self-improvement. Since you are separated from your partner who cheated, you have plenty of time and energy, which you can spend on emotions, grieving, thinking, and trying to contact your partner. That’s a natural need. But it would be wise not to waste this period on negative emotions and not to squander your time. After all, you are not responsible for this event, so there’s no reason to be punished or at a loss.
Additionally, every minute you spend doing something else is less you dedicate to that person, and you give it to yourself instead.
I suggest choosing activities that will enrich you, lift your spirits, or benefit you. The idea is that when you look back, you think: that period wasn’t wasted; I did something good.
Moreover, if you reconcile with your partner, there is no point in suffering. If you don’t reconcile with him, there is no point in suffering. It’s better to spend it well and nicely if you’re going to reconcile and return to the relationship with a cheater.
5. Creating New Rules for the Relationship
As we said, some things in the relationship weren’t right, so it’s good to come up with new rules for your relationship with a cheater. These rules should serve to improve the relationship and benefit you.
Since you already have an established relationship pattern, implementing new rules will be challenging. You’re more likely to revert to old patterns. However, stick to the newly devised rules because your relationship needs to change.
The rules can be that you will do something differently, that your partner will do something differently, or that you will do relationship things differently.
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6. Planning Compensation
This is also an important part: compensation. If you don’t compensate your partner for what they did, you’ll forever be looking back on their mistake. If you manage to come up with adequate compensation, there’s a chance that when you remember your partner’s mistake, you will think: Okay, they cheated on me, but in return, I got something.
Compensation can also help your partner who cheated maintain the relationship. You will likely have the urge to talk about cheating for a long time and possibly punish your partner. If your partner compensates you in some way, they can prevent you from talking about cheating and punishing them with the sentence: But you asked for this and you got that. You said that would be your compensation.
As much as it currently seems like a good idea (torturing your partner for what they did), in the long run, it means:
- You will ramp up your anger and rage.
- You will have many bad days.
- The relationship might fall apart because it’s ugly, and you have no end.
The essence is that every sin should have a chance for redemption. So, if you can, figure out how your partner can compensate you (this can be anything from a trip to the Maldives to a public apology). It should be something you can look at when you remember the cheating, but also something that will stop you from spiraling into anger/despair/punishment/injustice, etc., that you experienced.
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7. Creating a List
This is fun and can be entirely separate from compensation, or it can be the same thing. Also, what you came up with for compensation should definitely be on the list.
The list is a set of things you want from your partner who cheated on you, meaning the prerequisites for returning to the relationship with a cheater. It can include engagement, marriage, moving in together…, or anything else that is your condition.
The list shouldn’t be too long—3 to 5 things (people give up when there are too many things on the list or simply don’t remember it). The first things on that list should be the most important to you.
This list should be serious and somehow maintain a guarantee that you will be safe in a relationship with a cheater.
Phase 2: The Meeting
Duration: A half-hour meeting
We’ve finally reached the meeting stage. As I mentioned:
- Schedule it when you feel ready, and inform your partner that you won’t have much time. Dress nicely and look your best.
- When you arrive at the meeting, be formal and serious. Allow a small smile only when you talk about your own life.
- Act bored during the meeting and let your partner do most of the talking.
- Do not focus on the topic of your relationship (don’t even mention getting back into the relationship until the last minute). In fact, be mysterious about it.
- After your partner has said their part, present your list and tell them these are your conditions for getting back together.
The sentence is: “These are the things I want for us to get back together. You don’t have to give them to me, and that’s okay. But then we’ll have to part ways.”
- Tell your partner they don’t have to decide quickly. They know how to contact you, so they can reach out whenever they wish.
- Leave the meeting as quickly as possible because this will show your partner that you don’t care to sit with them.
That you’re not soft on them. You don’t want meaningless chatter with them. And that you are very ready to leave both them and the relationship. The only way you’ll return to the relationship is if they fulfill the things on your list.
These are the first two phases to go through after someone cheats on you. Following these phases, there are more steps you can read about at this link Relationship With Someone Who Cheated on You – How to Do It The continuation assumes that your partner has agreed to your conditions (the list) and compensation and that you have re-entered the relationship.
Even if your partner agrees, there is still work and strategy ahead, but if you follow the steps carefully, your relationship can be good again or even better. Dee
