It’s more likely that a number of different reasons are involved if you’re still fixated on someone who doesn’t want you. Each of these reasons has a different solution. So if you’re wondering how to stop obsessing over someone, this is the post for you.
First of all, understand why you are obsessed with someone
What Rejection Implies
Rejection implies that someone doesn’t accept our being, our skills, and the things we bring and offer.
And you have to fix it as a matter of urgency, and that’s how you become obsessed with someone.
When people reject us, they essentially say they reject everything we are and that our skills are unnecessary. And that triggers another alarm that goes back to our past.
- I often mention our past because it shapes our nature, aspirations, and fears.
Until not so long ago, everything depended on whether other people accepted us. If accepted, we would survive, but if we weren’t, we would likely suffer. The resources available to us would diminish, as would the help we could receive.
That’s why rejection from someone triggers danger alarms.
Solution how to stop obsessing over someone:
- Understand that rejection by one person says nothing about your worth. People reject us for various reasons, mostly because of their preferences, and rarely because of who we are. Read more about it here.
- Work on the things you feel were the reason for the rejection. In this way, you will become better at the things you doubt about yourself, and because of that you will become more confident, stronger, etc.
When Someone Rejects Us, It’s a Puzzle
Why doesn’t that person want me? And the brain obsessively deals with puzzles because solving them establishes control over the situation.
Let’s not forget that everything unknown and scary to us triggers the same reaction to the puzzle of rejection.
That’s why for our brain is necessary to obsessively think about what happened to solve that puzzle and feel safe.
- No one said our reasons for being obsessed with someone you can’t have or something were rational. Humans are not rational but emotional beings. Humans follow their instincts unconsciously, needs, nature, etc.
Solution how to stop obsessing over someone:
- Understand that you perceive rejection as a puzzle, but it’s not actually puzzling.
- Give yourself some answers about why you were rejected, and convince yourself of it. I absolutely recommend that these reasons work in your favor, say: this person is too stupid to see my worth.
- Solve the puzzle for yourself, satisfy your brain, and it might stop being obsessed over someone you can’t have.
The Ego Makes It Difficult For Us To Solve This Puzzle
Why We Are In Love With Someone – Psychological Explanation
How? By maintaining a good image of ourselves and not acknowledging negative suggestions. That’s its role. That’s why, even if we know why we were rejected, the Ego struggles with that and make us obsessed over that person.
To make this more transparent, let’s give a few examples.
First ego reason:
I don’t know why they don’t want me.
Let’s say we were rejected because of some reason… like, we’re not attractive enough (it could be anything else). The Ego must maintain a good image of us.
That’s why it seeks other reasons why we were rejected: I don’t know why that person rejected me. This is like a kind of avoidance of recognition. That’s why we remain fixated on their rejection; the reasons are still puzzling.
But I’m not saying that you should degrade yourself or accept other people’s opinions. If you are personally troubled by things about yourself, you change them.
Solution how to stop obsessing over someone:
- Give yourself an answer that will satisfy you, and stick to it.
- Since we’re dealing with the Ego here, give yourself an answer that serves you and much less or not in favor of the other person.
- For example, I was rejected because I was too much for that person.
- Read: Rejected Love – Exactly What To Do
P.S. If you have a problem with this because it’s not realistic, who says the reverse reasons (I was rejected because I’m too little for that person) are realistic? Always play in your favor, never in favor of others. The Ego doesn’t like that.
Second ego reason:
What they told me is not true. And I have to prove it to them
It’s good not to think badly of ourselves just because someone rejected us. But it’s not good to go and prove that person wrong.
First of all, you don’t know if the person told you the real reasons why they rejected you.
Second, if someone doesn’t see value in you, they really don’t deserve you proving yourself to them or trying to change their opinion
Third, if you really think the person is wrong, do you think you can convince them verbally or by persuasion? Usually, this is not done easily, but the person is allowed to watch from the side and see for himself that he made a mistake.
Solution how to stop obsessing over someone:
- Convince your ego that this person is not worth your proving.
- You see their flaws. You degrade them. Well, you’re not going to prove yourself worse than you are, are you?
Third ego reason:
That person has seen my flaws! Oh no!
The basic premise is the same: the ego maintains a good image of ourselves.
- We are rejected because we are ________ (lazy, poorly educated…) or we are not ________ (educated, affluent…)
- We don’t want to admit our flaws to ourselves, and it’s particularly difficult for us because someone has recognized them.
- We contemplate that person because they have seen our flaws. The ego wants us to be well-regarded at all costs.
Convince your ego that this person is not worth your proving.
- Obviously in admitting to ourselves that we have some flaws and dealing with them to resolve them rather than deceiving ourselves.
- Dealing with the problem that the person “saw” us only diverts time and energy from the real thing. Resolving problem.
Fourth ego reason:
They indeed won’t accept me because they didn’t get to know me well.
Again, it guarantees staying in that (nonexistent) relationship. This means you will dedicate even more time and energy to convincing the person that you are better than they thought.
However, this is never a good path because when people label us in a certain way, they rarely change their minds. Whatever we do, we’ll only seem more desperate and intrusive. The only way for people to change their opinion of us is for us to change.
Solution how to stop obsessing over someone:
- Maybe to accept the fact that many people are unable to see us? You know, people see as hot what is valuable in their value system. If they think it’s worth being a party member, they won’t be able to see the value in a working or education oriented person. So don’t prove yourself to people who may not even be able to see you.
- Change ourselves independently of that person through some actions if you want. If the person is even remotely interested, they will notice our changes and change their opinion of us.
Secondary Pain
That’s when we have something really painful for us, but we choose another, less painful thing and intensively deal with it. The reason is obviously that dealing with primary pain is very difficult and emotionally demanding.
For example:
- Very painful: I am troubled by the fact that I cannot find a job/ that I have quarreled with my parents/ that I have not passed the exams
- Less painful: This person rejected me. I must deal with this.
That way, we start to deal intensely with that person because it’s hard for us to face solving the original problem that requires facing our ego, investing time and energy, changing our personality, overcoming fears, etc.
Let’s say that one could say that we deal with situations rather than actual changes because situations are less painful. And you yourself know that what bothers you in that case will remain that you will constantly have to deal with other, preoccupying things and deceive yourself.
Solution how to stop obsessing over someone: I think you yourself know what your solution is. Face the things that really bother you.
Inability to Lose
Many of my clients are not good losers, which is a shame because losing is one of the most common things that happen to us in life, so coping with loss is one of the most important things in our lives.
However, people who don’t know how to lose become obsessed with the situations in which they have lost.
- Some contemplate why it happened to them.
- Others can’t handle negative emotions.
- Thirds lack the courage to move on.
- Fourth, seek solutions to still win in that situation.
As can be seen, everyone except the fourth is stuck in their loss and obsessed with it. But even the latter are obsessed with someone, as soon as they just want to return to them.
- Become a better loser. After losing, recover faster and get back into the game.
- Take losing as an opportunity to work on things you’re weak at
- Think of losing as a game.
- Realize that not every time we lose is a loss. Would you be desperate for what you lost if the person later turned into a slacker? Not every loss is necessarily bad.
- Realize that if a person doesn’t want you, he obviously doesn’t see your values, and what is the loss of not being with someone who doesn’t see you well?
- Read: Being Rejected By Someone You Love
Perhaps you come from a family where
You Experienced a Few unpleasant Experiences
You’re shocked that you’ve experienced these. People who have lived with fewer frustrations often don’t know how to deal with frustrations. It’s a new experience that has hurt them a lot.
📌 Like if you were a perfect surface and someone gently ran their finger over you, a very noticeable trace would remain—superficial but a trace that ruins the overall picture.
However, any damage on a rough surface will be less noticeable. It might be completely irrelevant, considering many deeper and nastier damages.
It’s the same with people who come from perfect families. Rejections leave scars on their beautiful surfaces. And that one scar is something a person has to deal with intensely because it’s conspicuous and a rare imperfection.
Convince your ego that this person is not worth your proving.
Accept the new reality. Accept that life will never be as cozy and gentle towards you as when you were in a family environment, but that even this life in which we experience injuries and rejections is not so scary. You are adults. Comfort was needed when you were a child and helpless. You don’t need it anymore. You are brave and strong, resourceful and adaptable. Adults survive ego injuries and rejections.
Negative Thinking Patterns
Obviously, some people are more negative thinkers than others. This can be innate but also learned in the family.
So when such a person experiences a negative experience, they may contemplate it:
- To find some solution,
- To feed that need for negative thinking.
The need for negative thinking, as I said, can be innate (we are all born with it. Negative thinking makes us more cautious)
However, it can also be learned in the family (if your parents were neurotic for example you could copied the model from a family member).
In both cases, if you are prone to negative thinking, it needs fuel, so if someone has left you, it can be great fuel for an extended period.
Solution how to stop obsessing over someone:
Understand that you have this pattern and that it makes your life difficult. Decide that you want to get rid of it. There are techniques for starting to think more positively. One of them is CBT. Also, I decided that I didn’t want to be like my mom, who always did that.
I hope you find this text useful. Dee.
