There is a specific way to stay in a relationship with someone who cheated on you. Repeating old patterns in the relationship might not be a good idea because they may have led to the partner cheating in the first place.
What to do if your partner cheated on you?
As I mentioned in previous posts, something needs to change.
And don’t take this lightly.
People are stuck in their patterns because they are a part of them and the easiest to follow. They are automatic. If you’re used to making coffee for yourself and your partner who cheated on you every morning, you will either continue doing this despite the cheating, or you might stop for a while, but eventually, you’ll return to the same routine.
I’m not saying you should stop making coffee for your partner. Perhaps the reason why your partner cheated on you was different from what you were doing for your partner. Maybe they were simply bored in the relationship, and not making coffee won’t change anything… but adding some fun might.
So, don’t take the need for change lightly. If you want your partner to stop cheating, the change you implement must be long-term and perhaps even permanent as long as you’re together.
This means you need to choose a change you can stick to.
In any case, you are returning to the relationship with your compensation, a list of demands, and a thoughtful reflection on what wasn’t working.
The hypothesis is that your partner who cheated on you, has agreed to your conditions for getting back together. Anyone would say: That’s it! Now, we can continue where we left off! But you are only halfway through the process.
This blog post is a continuation of the previous two posts:
The next part of the process is:
Phase 3: Reconnection
When a Partner Tries to Return After Leaving You for Someone Else
If your partner has agreed to your terms, it is essential to set dates when the things you requested will happen.
Whether you trust them to fulfill your conditions or not – that’s up to you to decide.
- I once had a case of a girl whose partner cheated on her, and we went through all these phases. Her partner agreed to her terms (she asked for an engagement) and set a date. The date was within the next three months.
Of course, in my career, I have had many conversations about partners who promised something and didn’t deliver, just throwing dust in the eyes, but also about those who remembered on their own to do what their cheated partner wanted.
Do Cheaters Feel Guilty or Remorseful?
So, you will decide on this. When the partner who cheated on you sets a date or dates for fulfilling your wishes, will you return to the relationship by then or not? All scenarios are possible, and neither you nor I are clairvoyant.
Whatever you decide, what is essential is that you don’t stop investing in yourself and the new things you’ve introduced into your life while separated from your partner. Maybe these are the changes we’ve been discussing that need to be introduced into the relationship.
Also, since the fate of your relationship is still uncertain, it is good to continue focusing on yourself and strengthening yourself.
In this phase, you look at your partner who cheated on you suspiciously and from a distance, but you are ready to repair your relationship. Practically, you have agreed to be together again.
What are the qualities of a good partner?
Phase 4: Distance in the Relationship
Duration of the phase: 3 months
This phase is obviously a test for the partner who cheated on you. Considering they made a mistake by cheating, this is a test to see if your love is precious enough for them to sacrifice for you. If they pass these three months (don’t announce that you will behave in a certain way for three months) dedicated to you, we can consider the relationship adequately rehabilitated. In this way, we know that these three months are good to endure with the treatment I will list below.
Also, I hope that during these three months, the partner will fulfill the demands you set on your list.
The goal of this phase, among other things, is for the partner to remember well that you can turn away and live your life without them.
The second goal is for the partner to focus intensely on you because what we focus on and invest in (time, energy, money, etc.) becomes important to us. Every house becomes more precious when we invest in it, and so does a person and a relationship.
Why We Are In Love With Someone – Psychological Explanation
Approach to Your Partner:
- Don’t be angry, don’t behave rudely towards your partner, and don’t make it difficult to return to the relationship. In fact, you are in good spirits, cooperative, and kind, but you keep your distance.
- Tell your partner that you need some time to readjust to the relationship but that you hope this period will pass.
- Have good conversations with your partner, but be restrained when expressing emotions. If you bring up the topic of the affair or cheating, never be angry (this means no threats, no raging, no insulting your partner, etc.).
- Discuss the affair and cheating in a way that seeks explanations and reassurances from your partner.
- Do not compare yourself to the other person with whom your partner cheated on you or take action in that direction.
- You can ask your partner to cut off all contact with that person, although I believe this has already been done. It would certainly be good if it had.
- During this period, you can ask for additional assurances of love—declarations of love and explanations of why your partner chose you. The purpose is: Never forget that when your partner talks to you, they are also talking to themselves. Also, if you force them to be creative enough to think about why they chose you, they will remind themselves of who you are.
- Dedicate this period to having your partner who cheated on you invest a lot of energy and love in you. To think about you, talk about you, and try for you.
- Refrain from fulfilling your partner’s needs, at least not to the extent they desire.
- Satisfy your partner’s needs only as much as you want to… and even then, a little less than you can.
I understand that you (perhaps due to old dynamics) must do things for your partner.
- If your partner complains, gently remind them that you need more time but can always separate if they are impatient. Also, say that this does not have to be permanent but that you need time to adjust to them.
- Suggest doing things together, but only activities that interest you and that you enjoy. This way, they get to spend time with you without feeling rejected, but you are not fulfilling their needs. Yes, it’s a challenge, but it’s also a challenge for you to return to a relationship with a cheater.
How to Keep Your Dignity in Relationship
Approach to Yourself:
The distance we mentioned earlier can be easily achieved by focusing intensely on yourself during this period, even though you have returned to the relationship.
Focusing intensely on yourself means planning events without your partner who cheated, engaging in activities that improve or interest you, nurturing yourself, and enriching yourself.
Additionally:
- Let your partner focus on you. Ask for or give hints about how much attention you want from them.
- Engage in good psychotherapy or counseling sessions to strengthen yourself as a person.
- Plan your life with your partner and without (because, as I said, we still don’t know what the future of your relationship will be). You are currently on safe ground and can think freely about what you want from life.
Did I mention that after cheating, even if you have reached an agreement with your partner, you always have the right to change your mind and leave the relationship? This is a trial to see if you can stay with that partner.
- Mainly, think about what you want from your life and pursue it. Whether it’s education, business, adventures, fun, personal, or spiritual development, this is a good time to find your direction.
- Nurture yourself to the fullest. Exercise and groom yourself, take care of yourself, look beautiful, and invest both time and money in yourself.
- Establish new friendships and social contacts.
Is It Worth Staying With a Cheater?
Phase 5: A New Relationship
So, three months have passed since getting back together, and your partner has proven that they can sacrifice for you and truly want a relationship with you. They have shown that it is much more important to stay with you than to try a relationship with someone else.
This is indeed the moment when you should completely forget what happened (cheating) and start a new relationship.
By this point, both you and your partner have changed. You are stronger, and your partner better understands who they have beside them and what it looks like when you’re not around.
Also, considering everything you’ve been through, your partner has raised the stakes in your relationship with you. By focusing on you and thinking about you (which you have prompted them to do), they have started to see you as more precious.
Moreover, they met your expectations from your list and compensated you for cheating.
Finally, you have understood what was missing in your relationship and, hopefully, devised a strategy for changing that.
From here, you can start building a new relationship in whichever direction you desire. Your new relationship must be one between two changed individuals. It can be filled with adventures, creating together, romance, planning, etc. Whatever you imagine, your partner can follow. The entire relationship is built from scratch, and several aspects are crucial:
- Whatever you start doing – don’t give up on it.
- Don’t dwell on the affair anymore.
- Infuse a lot of attention and love from your side into the relationship and your partner.
- Demand that your partner continues to infuse love and attention.
- Live happily ever after.
How To Improve Your Relationship
As you can see, I am optimistic about reconciling with people who cheat, but the way to do it is not easy, not for you or your partner. However, if you both successfully go through all this, I believe that two completely new people create a new relationship, which has a chance to be long-lasting and suitable.
Dee
