Because they are rooted in our subconscious, these two characteristics will instantly make a person more attractive. So, let’s talk about what makes a person attractive.
The first one is Self-admiration, the second one is Self-sufficiency.
People are drawn to these characteristics because they positively and instantly appeal to our nature.
- Self-sufficiency conveys the idea of leading a good and meaningful life, while
- Self-admiration makes one appear to possess admirable qualities.
Self-Sufficiency
Self-sufficiency means that a person can be content on their own because their life is highly quality and fulfilling. When talking about self-sufficiency, people often think about selfishness or self-centeredness. But I’m not talking about that. I’m talking about being satisfied with your life and its quality, being content with yourself, and the absence of a desperate need to fulfill it.
In fact, self-sufficiency doesn’t go well with selfishness because selfish people are not happy. They deeply focus on taking for themselves, disregarding the fact that happiness in life and a sense of belonging can only be achieved through connection with other people.
To realize our full potential for happiness, we need people. If nothing else, at least give us something. And in order for people to give us something – it is necessary that we also participate in it, because we all work on the principle of exchange. Nobody likes to be taken advantage of. People quickly abandon people who use them.
- And even if they don’t leave them, it only means that they themselves are in a bad psychological state, if they allow themselves to be exploited. We cannot gain much from people in a bad psychological state.
So if someone is selfish and doesn’t want to give, people won’t give to him, and therefore he won’t fulfill his potential for happiness… because he won’t get what he needs.
The self-sufficiency I’m talking about implies happiness, satisfaction, and fulfillment.
If I were to simplify, I would say peace. However, this peace doesn’t exclude the need for closeness with someone else. We need other people to achieve all these things. We are still social beings that depend on social acceptance on an emotional and psychological level. Today, people are more self-oriented, but the need for other people is in our nature, and we still haven’t evolved into individuals who don’t need anyone.
So, even though the name might confuse you, self-sufficiency is contentment with your life that doesn’t exclude the need for other people. The only difference is that this need doesn’t radiate desperation.
But let’s get back to self-sufficiency.
Self-sufficiency looks like this: “I’d like to try something with you. Friendship/love/partnership. But if you don’t want to, that’s okay because my life is fulfilling and high-quality.“
Behind this sentence should be complete peace and acceptance. Because the person does not think his or her life will be less if this relationship does not materialize. In fact, a person is anxious that their life will remain good and exudes it. And that’s why he doesn’t let people into his life who don’t want him or who don’t belong there.
How to avoid getting too attached to someone
People do not welcome people into their lives who do not enrich them.
A self-sufficient person has a 100% fulfilled life but wants to let someone into it who will enrich it by another 10, 20, or 100%. So the goal is to improve and to realize 120% of life—to progress, not to fix life.
Imagine someone who is perfectly happy with their life, and you have the opportunity to bring something into it. Isn’t that incredibly attractive? Someone who arranges their life so well that you can be good there, learn, progress, and get something. And in return, you are only expected to refine him. Not to sacrifice, blackmail, strain, or negotiate. Only to exalt.
If, for some reason, you don’t like this dynamic, it means that you enjoy more complex dynamics between people. And then it’s not a bad idea to maybe ask yourself why you need them.
But self-sufficient people cannot be blackmailed.
Such people remain attractive in the long term because they do not allow themselves to be “blackmailed” by external influences brought into their lives.
Their lives are quality and full, and there is no hole to be filled. So you can’t bring something into their life that they need, but only something that will improve it. That’s why there is no room for blackmail.
You can only get them good and beautiful things, and then the quality of life improves. Both yours and theirs, because that’s a lot of positive energy injected into a joint project called Relationship, because these people repay you with their qualities.
Is my relationship worth fighting for?
How to Be Self-Sufficient in a Good Way:
Think this way:
- “I’m not desperate for a relationship or connection with someone. But I’d like to give it a try.”
- “I don’t know that person well enough, so there’s no pressure. I’m content with my life, so if that person enriches it, they’re welcome.”
- I want to be with that person, but let’s see if we are right for each other. If something develops, great. If not, that’s great too.”
The impression you leave is:
- This person obviously has many options since they can behave this way. It’s so attractive.
- This person is not desperate.
- This person won’t nag and burden me. They are doing well on their own.
- What kind of life does this person lead if they are so good at it?
Tips for Dealing With Negative Emotions
Obstacles:
- The human desperate need for something often affects the ability to implement self-sufficiency positively. The greater the need for something, the greater the chances that a person will behave desperately to get it. Whether it’s a relationship, belonging, money, being loved, being recognized, etc.
- Caution is needed with self-sufficiency because going in the wrong direction can have a catastrophic effect on our relationships. Again, you can imagine this as walking on a tightrope. You must very carefully find your balance because otherwise, you fall… into loneliness most often.
Selfishness and self-sufficiency are not the same. What differentiates them is that self-sufficient people are happy with themselves but gladly allow people who enrich them into their lives.
Selfishness and aversion to people vs self-sufficiency:
I want to say that self-sufficiency is great as long as it doesn’t turn into selfishness. However, selfishness and aversion to people develop for different reasons:
- Because a person was raised narcissistically—to need no one.
- Because a person has been rejected many times, they become bitter.
- Because a person is afraid, for rational or irrational reasons.
- Because a person has not developed social skills.
- Or they developed them incorrectly…
Although it doesn’t sound like a big deal, we need people and a sense of belonging to fulfill our most basic human needs. People and belonging to them have always meant security. We depended on how much people accepted us from when we were babies, through childhood, and later on. Our status, position, life opportunities, etc. Resisting this natural human need—to be with other people—only leads us to a very unnatural state for a human being. The feeling of not belonging is one of the most challenging feelings for a person. I’ll write about that soon.
Also, seeking a good balance between self-sufficiency and giving the impression that you don’t need anyone is necessary.
📌 Self-sufficiency that excludes selfishness (and thus loneliness) can be developed.
Why do I want someone who doesn’t want me?
How To Work On Self-Sufficiency
1. First and foremost, you must provide yourself with everything you could potentially be desperate for.
If it’s a relationship with someone, the background to this is a sense of belonging. Therefore, you must first ensure a sense of belonging to someone before seeking a relationship without pressure. You can belong to your family, friends, or even a pet.
Apart from the feeling of belonging, this also applies to everything else. You should provide to yourselves with everything you can.
I’m sure someone will “jump” on this and say, “But it’s not about a sense of belonging for me. I want a family, children, support from a partner, and financial stability.” Each of these things can be provided for yourself if it is high on your list of priorities.
If you need something you cannot provide for yourself (say, a child), once again, it is necessary to find a way to not appear desperate so that someone does not abuse it or you do not become repulsive.
2. Next, have a purpose that has nothing to do with other people directly, only indirectly.
I mean, other people are not required to participate in order for you to be happy and fulfilled. It should be solely yours. It can be a hobby or a higher purpose, such as organizing charity events, establishing funds, improving the environment, or organizing something. Or any of your goals—to gain muscles, get a doctorate, start a business, or something else. Whatever you choose, it must be meaningful to you.
It must be such that you can always go to it when you are bored or lonely. This will change your attitude and behavior in such a way that you will become less interested and dependent on other people, you won’t be so desperate, and this will make you more attractive.
What is the best way to gain self-confidence?
3. Engage in your life’s achievements.
This topic deserves a separate blog post, but, briefly, you need achievements to be happy. The bigger they are, the greater the chances that you will be happy with them. Therefore, you will be self-sufficient.
Research has been done, and it has been found that achievement is one of the factors that make people happy, and happy people are attractive people.
We all naturally gravitate towards people who are happy because they give the impression that they have solved their problems in life, that they know something important that we don’t, and that we can get something good from them.
Also, we all strive for positive emotions, so you can never go wrong with happiness. But what’s important to understand is that having achievements will make you happier.
These two traits—self-sufficiency and self-admiration—are the so-called X factors of our personalities. As I said at the very beginning, they resonate with people on a subconscious level deeply rooted in human nature. We recognize quality people and strive towards them.
If someone exudes self-admiration (I have something great, and that’s why I admire myself) and self-sufficiency (I have built my life to be extremely satisfied with it. It seems I have some great knowledge about it) —they become irresistible.
So, if you want people to follow you, fall in love with you, and respect you, you should work on these two things. Because people find those two qualities in other people very, very attractive.
Hug you. Dee
