Here are concrete, brief, and specific ideas on what to do when your partner falls in love with someone else and how to implement them.
Essential: In this blog post, we try to cover various partner types: cooperative, rebellious, temporarily uncooperative, angry, scared, proud, desperate, etc.
This means we can’t address every type and give a one-size-fits-all piece of advice. Not all the suggestions in this blog post will apply to you and your partner.
It’s up to you to know your partner well, understand their current state, (which can be very different from their usual self. They may be angry now, but usually a conciliatory person), and decide which of these suggestions might work well with them.
For example, pressure might work well for some, but it could be disastrous for others.
If you’re unsure how to handle this situation, use the “testing the waters” method. Slowly try a little bit of each suggestion and see how your partner reacts.
You can also try all these suggestions until you find one that works well.
Although this blog post isn’t comprehensive (and it can’t be, as it requires firsthand knowledge of the situation), it’s perhaps the closest we can get to providing advice for your problem.
The first thing you need to do is:
Talk to Your Partner About the Situation
And talk to them in a nice way.
You need to find out your partner’s intentions with this other person. Do they want to separate from you, or is there a chance they’ll give up on that person?
- In this case, carefully watch your partner’s behavior because there’s a chance they might say one thing and do another.
If they want to separate, it’s best to let them go
First of all, you should know that this is not the end.
Exposure to that idealized person often and very quickly returns to reality, and the real picture can be very ugly. From my professional experience – mostly it is, and that means a quick return of the partner.
These are the specific things you should do in that case: What To Do When Partner Falls In Love With Someone Else 2
But let’s get back to the topic:
Don’t threaten, be dramatic, or make statements like “Never again.” That final period can easily be what your partner, who falls in love with someone else, remembers about you. Countless times in my career, I’ve had people who wanted to return to their partners but were told never to return.
But let’s continue: if your partner falls in love with someone else and wants to leave, see them off with dignity, saying something like: “Look, I’ll wait a while for you to come back, but I plan to move on very soon. If you come back and I’m free, great; if not – too bad.”
📌 Important note (and solely my opinion): If your partner falls in love with someone else, even if they try a relationship with them, in my experience, it doesn’t have to be the end of your relationship.
Whether it’s the end of the relationship depends on you, your principles, possibilities, etc. However, your partner’s infatuation with someone else can also be an opportunity to change the relationship, not necessarily to end it.
Honestly, in my career, I’ve seen all scenarios: pleased people after a breakup and people who remained alone and unhealed for years after the famous breakup. I’ve also seen people who stayed and struggled in the relationship, but those whose relationship blossomed after that “glitch” with a third person.
There is no specific rule about whether to stay in the relationship, but we’ll write more about that.
If your partner wants to stay together despite your infatuation, that’s an ideal position for you because it gives you a chance to set some conditions and do the things I’ll recommend further down.
Of course, things branch out into many possibilities from here, but you will find the suggestions that logically fit your situation.
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Discuss the Reasons With Your Partner
The reasons can vary from:
- It’s your fault. You haven’t given your partner something they want.
- It’s your partner’s responsibility. Even though they got everything they needed from you, they still decided to fall for someone else.
- It’s nobody’s fault.
Once the reasons are identified, you must agree on what changes must be made to your relationship.
If it’s Our Fault
What does your partner expect you to do to improve the relationship?
Even in this case, it would be good to work together if your partner is willing. Let’s be clear: they don’t have to work on the relationship if, hypothetically, they were entirely fair in the relationship, and you weren’t. Now is the time to show goodwill and make amends by doing what they want from you.
I know it will be tough to connect differently, but if this is the path to saving your relationship, try to make the sacrifice.
If It’s Partner’s Responsibility
They weren’t fair to you + they fell for someone else.
There’s relatively little room for maneuvering here.
The only thing you can count on is the dynamic of your relationship: it’s no coincidence you’re with someone who wasn’t fair to you. You allowed it, and your partner enjoyed it. Given that they will continue with their agenda (they will remain the same), there’s a good chance that the new person won’t appreciate it (since few people are willing to tolerate unfair partners).
Maybe a bit complicated to understand, but the bottom line is: your partner who falls in love with someone else will remain the same (people don’t change, at least not quickly, with other partners). The fact that you put up with his temper does not mean that the other person will also put up with it.
This might ultimately be the reason they return to you.
When a Relationship Is One-Sided
If it’s nobody’s fault
You can simultaneously improve your relationship.
Bigger changes might be needed. If we know people strive for positive emotions, we know that the more positive emotions you give each other, the better the chances are for the relationship to improve and flourish. This reduces the chances that your partner, who falls in love with someone else, will continue their relationship with the other person.
Why Don’t You Give Your Partner What They Want?
Ask Your Partner To Try a Few More Things Together
A good sentence would be: “You owe me for all these years/months.” and this could work with moral partners for whom honor, respect, and decency are important.
Your goal right now is just to stay with your partner and get the chance to do a lot of good things for him.
Do as Many Good Things as Possible For Your Partner
From things you believe they need to stuff they specifically want from you.
Make their life great and living with you very pleasant. Even if you suddenly start doing this and it surprises them, start and don’t give up even if they begin provoking you, mocking the changes you’ve introduced, or refusing to participate in them.
1. Observe your partner and try to identify positive changes they will want.
2. Offer your partner various pleasant options.
- Some partners love pleasant surprises, so try those.
- One of my clients started welcoming her husband, who was in love with another woman, with a bottle of wine every evening and an excellent intimate conversation. He chose her.
- Another of my clients gave her partner an unforgettable sex life in the days when she conquered him again. So – don’t shy away from anything that can bring your partner back to your side.
3. Persist in that.
4. Emphasize the things your partner likes and prefers.
- Whether it’s good sex or good conversation, you can organize an experience for them that might not even include you (of course, they must know you’re behind it).
5. Make your relationship more exciting
- People fall in love with those who make them feel excited because the excitement and the feeling of being in love generally trigger similar hormones and originate from the same place.
6. Persist.
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Go to Couples Counseling
A good counselor’s job is to objectively assess the existing problems and point out the couple’s unhealthy dynamics.
If one partner persistently does something unacceptable to the other, the counselor must clearly (but gently) communicate this.
However, relationships are a shared dynamic; it takes two to tango. Whatever one partner does, the other participates, so changes will be needed on both sides.
You may find yourself changing in ways that don’t meet your criteria, but it might be necessary.
The counselor should guide both of you on how to behave until the new dynamics are practiced. They can also suggest ways to resolve previous conflicts.
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The Game Gets a Little Rougher
Demand a Break in Communication with the Other Person.
Cautious with this. Some partners will agree, some will lie about agreeing, and others will refuse. Some might even get angry, making this the final nail in the coffin of your relationship.
There’s a high chance that partners who will get angry with you are those who:
- They feel you haven’t been fair to them.
- Believe they don’t owe you an explanation.
- They have already given up on the relationship.
It depends on who your partner is.
You can try asking your partner to stop communicating with the other person and gauge their reaction. Most partners who are still attached to you might agree to this.
It might be a good idea for your partner to send a message or call in front of you, breaking off communication with that person. Also, they should delete all means of access to that person (phone number, email, social media connections, etc.).
A potential good phrase could be: “Let’s try to stay together for another x months. During that time, you won’t be in contact with that person. If you’re still in love with them after that, we can amicably part ways.”
If your partner agrees, it gives you time to make their life pleasant. During this period, your partner won’t be under that person’s influence, emotions will change, and rational thinking might prevail.
- Unfortunately, many partners will lie about ending communication with the new person, so:
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Demand Access to Their Phone
You can even emphasize that this isn’t permanent but that you need reassurance that communication with the third person has ceased.
- If it turns out your partner is still communicating with that person, you have new answers for yourself.
Your partner doesn’t have to give you access to their phone/email/messenger. In that case, they should devise a way to reassure you that the communication has ended.
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Distance Yourself (Emotionally and Psychologically)
You might need this. I suggest starting regular conversations with a psychotherapist or counselor. Understand yourself, your attachment to your partner, and your future options.
Any self-understanding can help you distance yourself a bit more. Given that we don’t know how your relationship will end, it’s good to be as emotionally and psychologically prepared as possible if things lead to a breakup.
Emotional distancing can also help you see the situation more clearly and apply valuable strategies to improve your relationship, connect with your partner differently, etc.
It can also help you view the whole relationship and yourself within it and decide whether you still want the relationship.
Suppression, Self-Control and Setting-Goals
Blackmail… Beg
Let’s be clear: I don’t recommend this. But no matter how much I or you dislike it, this might be a slap of reality for some people.
Again, different approaches work for different partners who fells in love with someone else.
For some partners, this can be a disastrous method. They might see you as weak (which is not attractive) or arrogant (if you blackmail them). However, this might be a good option for a small number of partners (those who can be manipulated).
- I know some of you won’t agree with this, but my job is to give you all the options that might help save the relationship when your partner has fallen for someone else.
What you might get out of this is to temporarily distance your partner who fells in love with someone else from that person and then give them good and pleasant experiences. It’s an opportunity to create a good relationship.
If you intend only to beg or blackmail your partner (e.g., with tears) and later don’t give them any reason to stay, thinking this kind of pressure is enough – then really… Don’t. Just don’t do it. What kind of life is that? It’s not sustainable, and it’s not pleasant.
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Completely Withdraw Your Services
Even if you stay with your partner but they refuse to end the relationship with the third person – completely withdraw your services. Unless you have a different agreement, (few people can have multiple people at their disposal). Your partner, who has fallen for someone else, must experience life without you and with that person.
This way, they will gain insight into what life is like without the things you bring into their life and also what life is like with the things that the new person brings.
This can be a touch of reality if you already have a well-established life routine.
Ultimately, this must be an exercise for them to live without you.
If things go according to plan, this could speed up your partner’s decision between you and the new person.
- When I say to withdraw your services, I mean help, advice, contacts, support, stepping in when needed, a shoulder to cry on… I mean everything.
Should You stay In your Relationship?
Stay Dignified
What you do in those final periods (months/days/weeks) will create a lasting impression.
- If you have a solid relationship with your partner, the image of you doesn’t have to be threatened by a few weeks of your nervousness. But why risk it? Stay dignified.
Dignity is one of the most beautiful things a person can carry within themselves and leaves the strongest impression.
If you remain dignified, your partner won’t be able to label you as angry, furious, or tearful. Instead, the impression of you will be that: Even when it was most challenging, this person held themselves with dignity.
It is attractive above all else.
📌 I emphasize: anger, nervousness, insults, tantrums can be reasons that your partner will cling to in order to more easily decide to leave you. Don’t give them this reasons.
Given that the third person will likely show their humanity somewhere (read – negative emotions, bad mood, ugly side). Your dignity can be your comparative advantage.
How to Keep Your Dignity in Relationship
Distance Yourself Physically
Sometimes, physical distancing is necessary for your partner to genuinely feel what life is like without you. It’s also an opportunity for them to worry: What are they doing now that they’re not with me?
People are… selfish. They like to keep everything they can in their life and add new things to it. However, according to research, people regret things they lose more than they rejoice over things they gain.
So, the apparent loss of you can be a good move for your partner who fell in love with someone else to question their choices.
I emphasize that this distancing doesn’t have to be final. It can be part of your strategy to win back your partner.
Read the sequel here: What To Do When Partner Falls In Love With Someone Else 2
