You may not like what you should do to win back your partner, who fell in love with another person. But people who want to keep their partners – do whatever it takes.
This situation is complex because it involves not just two people but three. Please read this text carefully, as well as all the other texts offered within this blog post. After reading these texts (which I write with the best intentions and extreme effort to explain everything well), you will have a more straightforward path ahead of you.
If that path involves staying, the goal is certainly for the third person to disappear. If it consists of distancing yourself, you will do so rationally and because it’s good for you. And if it involves temporary distancing, you will do this because it is part of the plan to get your partner back.
Therefore, this is just the first post on this topic, and I am asking you questions that you need to answer to understand the whole situation better.
At the end of the text, you will find links to specific steps you should take if your partner falls in love with someone else.
When to fight for a relationship and when to leave it?
Questions:
What is Your Relationship With Your Partner Like?
Your relationship is damaged
You were in a bad relationship even before the third person appeared.
If your relationship is no longer suitable, it is probably ready for couples counseling. In that session, the counselor will ask how long your relationship has been damaged, whether you want to fix it, what grievances you have against each other, etc.
In that session with the counselor, you will probably feel the need to talk about how your partner is in love with someone else, but don’t. That is not the topic of your counseling, nor is it the path to fixing your relationship. It’s like having termites in your house, and you’re focusing on why someone wants to move out and into a new home. Removing the termites is the only way to keep them in the house.
The only way to keep someone in a relationship is to give them reasons to stay.
You can answer these questions yourself, but a good counselor is perhaps a better choice because it will guide you.
However, for people who do not want to go to counseling or cannot persuade their partner to do so, regardless of the answers to these questions, the solution is still the same: you need to improve your relationship.
How to improve the relationship:
1. You and your partner have some patterns you follow that will hinder your relationship’s improvement.
- For example, whenever your partner does ___________________ (let’s call this thing A), you react in ___________________ way (let’s call this way A). You need to react in a completely different way (way B) when your partner does thing A.
- Do what will please your partner the most
- Don’t backslide and fall back into your old pattern. Even if your partner wonders, mocks, or is cynical.
- Force this new way (pleasant or good for your partner). Sooner or later, it will become “your way” and your relationship will get better.
2. Every negative experience with your partner requires ten times more positive experiences.
3. Introduce some new pleasant activities into your relationship.
How To Improve Your Relationship
Your relationship is not damaged
You know that your partner still loves you, and is kind and good to you, but has fallen in love with someone else.
In this case, the new person is likely offering your partner something intriguing or essential to them. While this may sound like bad news, it’s not necessarily so. If your partner loves you and sees you as a valuable person, that won’t just disappear.
- They are more likely to negotiate with you to “release” them. And if you don’t do that and he or she decides to leave for another person, they will feel very guilty.
However, what could disappear is the allure that this new person brings into their life.
People are… people. No matter how enchanting they seem, they are full of flaws and not-so-great qualities. The flaws of that person will eventually surface, and your partner will see them. Sooner or later, that person will stop being so exceptional.
đź“Ś Disclaimer: Everything I say here can go either way. It could lead your partner back to you with roses, or that person could remain amazing to them forever. Unfortunately, I am not clairvoyant. But I can give you the best advice from a professional standpoint on how to save your relationship.
If two things align:
1. Your partner continues to see you as the object of their love and respect, recognizing your value, and
2. They see the flaws in the person they haven’t yet profoundly connected with;
There may be a moment of realization and a return to you.
You need to maintain the best image of yourself—an image of dignity and self-respect. You need to remain a magnificent person in your partner’s mind at all costs. Even if it’s tough, given that you feel betrayed, this is the right time to stick to the role of dignity.
This means not insulting your partner, not crying, not arguing, not threatening, not blackmailing, not losing your self-respect, etc. You should only show expressions of dignity toward your partner, even if that means withdrawing and not talking to them for a while.
Of course, try to provide your partner with many positive experiences with you. By now, you know what your partner likes and what you haven’t given him so far. If it’s great sex, admiration, attention, fulfillment of his desires, innovations are sex, more freedom… give it to them.
Get over yourself and give it to them.
Maybe it means that you need to make your coexistence more exciting and fun. Whatever it is, give it to them.
How to Keep Your Dignity in Relationship
Why Did Your Partner Fall in Love with Someone Else?
What Has This Person Offered Your Partner?
There could be three things:
- Something you didn’t give them
- Something in addition to what you give them
- Something they’ve always dreamed of
Solution When the Partner Fell Out of Love With You?
Something You Didn’t Give Them
It’s important to have many conversations in which your partner explains what they want from you and how you can provide it. Perhaps their desires are reasonable, and you can fulfill them. In this case, I recommend giving your partner what they desire.
- I emphasize that they might not be able to articulate it clearly, but it’s up to you to listen to what your partner says, remember what they usually talk about (what they like and dislike), and recall their wishes. People always tell us what they want.
Why Don’t You Give Your Partner What They Want?
But if you want to keep your partner, provide whatever you can, even if it’s difficult.
If Your Partner Wants Something, You Can’t Provide to Them:
You have to be convincing with your actions and words to explain to your partner the benefits of staying with you. Don’t be shy about being convincing. You’re still fighting for your relationship, and it’s worth the effort, even if what you’re doing is uncomfortable.
For example, if they have fallen in love with a much younger woman, try convincing them of your qualities. Use your words and behavior to emphasize the advantages of being with a wiser woman, someone who knows them well, etc.
The same applies if you are a man and your partner has fallen for someone taller (playing with clichés here, but you understand me. It can be anything that your partner, whom you want to keep, wants but you cannot provide.).
If he or she is very adamant about wanting that particular thing, you may have to let them experience it.
What To Do When Your Partner Loses Interest in You
Something In Addition to What You Give Them
This implies that you are not enough and that the other person offers something beyond what you provide.
And that’s okay. Everyone has worked on something in their life. Athletes have built their bodies, intellectuals have trained their minds, and businesspeople have created businesses (simplifying here, but you get the point). Of course, this can also involve psychological and emotional aspects.
Besides everything you already are, you can become what your partner desires.
Or you can also let them experience something extra to see if they still need it.
Personally, I am not thrilled with the idea that your partner, despite everything you give them, wants something additional they found in another person, as this may indicate insatiability. Nothing is ever enough for them, and there’s no end to their desires.
Why Does It Sting the Most When Our Partner Chooses Someone New Over Us?
They received something new or something they’ve always dreamed of, from other person
Even though it seems that what this person brings is something your partner greatly desires, sometimes (you won’t like it. Sorry), the best way to help people let go of their desires is to let them experience them.
For instance, this person offered your partner an adventurous life.
As hard as it may be, it might be good to let them try that adventurous life and see what it’s like. Is it that exciting? What are the side effects of such a life? Since nothing is purely black or white (an adventurous life is not just fun), they might need to experience some of the downside that inevitably comes with it. Very soon, it will become clear that what this person offers is not as thrilling and comes with its drawbacks.
Afterward, your partner might give up what they so strongly desire.
How do I know this? Because, as I said, nothing is black or white (good comes with bad), and we are who we are. We became who we are by nurturing it over a long time.
For example, if someone is a bit passive, they have long practiced being passive. It’s part of their nature and personality. When an adventurer appears, it can be exciting for a while, but very soon, it will become strange and tiring. Their passive nature has been long nurtured and does not go well with an adventurous person.
Just give this process time.
The essence is that we cannot convince someone that they shouldn’t want what they want. Desires can be suppressed for a while, but they won’t disappear.
Convincing someone that they don’t need something does not achieve what we want. The only way a person stops wanting something is to declare that they don’t need it (and they usually declare this after trying it).
Another way, of course, is for you to agree to give them what they want. To become what they want. If your partner doesn’t really want it from that specific person, this can work.
Partner Has Fallen in Love With Someone Else – Whether to Stay or Leave
How Long Has This Been Going On?
The duration can significantly impact the outcome.
Infatuation Is Very Fresh
Things between your partner and this other person are short-lived and thus seem exciting.
Option 1 – for uncooperative partners who won’t accept your ultimatum:
Give your partner the opportunity to “consume” the object they desire. A bit of withdrawal on your part might not be a bad idea (even though it might sound catastrophic to you right now).
How to Manage a Partner Who Has Fallen In Love With Someone
You don’t necessarily have to separate, but let’s say you turn to your own life and give your partner the chance to “enjoy” being left alone with that person. No major prohibitions, no separation, no threats—just a tacit agreement.
This removes the forbidden fruit aspect and the excitement of breaking the rules.
As a consequence, the excitement usually fades after two to three months. Read informative articles about how the first three months work here. People cannot sustain excitement for too long. It’s too stressful. And if the things they’re excited about are readily available, they become familiar with them. Can one experience excitement from familiar things?
- I emphasize that this idea is reserved for particular couples—for you if you are brave and for your partner who still loves you but wants to try something different. For other couples, this idea might need to be revised. Some couples need to set ultimatums. I obviously cannot know this, as I am not with you. You have to judge this yourself.
Option 2 – for cooperative partners who will listen to you:
The second solution is to give your partner an ultimatum while the situation between your partner and that person is still fresh (since it’s happening in the first few months). Demand that they cut off communication with that person, talk to them about why the infatuation occurred, and again, fulfill your partner’s desires.
Infatuation Lasts Long
However (and I’m sorry, there’s always a however), I have seen cases in my career where “the person” became a long-term fantasy for which everything would be done.
That person has been idealized and built up in your partner’s mind. So much has already been experienced by them in their imagination, and so many desires involve them that a new person practically becomes a magical being. Also, there’s a big investment in that person. Much time has been spent thinking about breaking up with you, living with that person, maybe courting them, etc.
In this case, my recommendation is to seek out an intelligent counselor (unfortunately, not all are intelligent) who can help you navigate this situation as much as possible.
But if you don’t get the guidance, my recommendation is:
- Turn to yourself and invest all your energy in improving yourself.
- Transform yourself into something extraordinary. Exercise, start a business, intellectually enrich yourself, and mingle with fabulous people. Become highly attractive—more attractive than the object of your partner’s fantasy.
- Allow your partner to try with that person (I say try, because it doesn’t have to come to anything. Maybe that person doesn’t want your partner). In that cohabitation, there can be a lot of unpleasant things. Or they might even be rejected (which is common) and end up without both you and that person.
- Wait for your partner to return to you. Because, as I said, you’ve become better than their fantasy.
7 Ways to Fix Your Relationship
Is Your Partner in Contact with That Person?
If Your Partner is in Contact With That Person
Ask them to break off that contact. Again, I emphasize that this will only work with cooperative people. If your partner listens to you, this is the simplest way.
Now, I understand there are complex situations, such as if your partner and that person work together. Ask your partner to make changes, like moving to another office or changing companies.
If that’s impossible, ask your partner to limit contact with that person to a professional minimum and clarify that a romance will not happen.
After some time, both of them should get used to the situation, which should become… ordinary, maybe even dull. This applies if they don’t romanticize each other.
Still, distancing is ideal because, as the saying goes: out of sight, out of mind.
On the other hand, if your partner doesn’t want to break contact, you’ve received a pretty clear answer about where your desires stand with them. This is obviously a good moment to reflect on the kind of relationship you have if your wishes hold no significance.
If your partner prioritizes their relationship with that person over yours, it might be time to reconsider your relationship and ask: Where do you stand with your partner?
I’m not suggesting you break up, but I am suggesting that you think about being with someone who doesn’t feel the need to fulfill your wishes, doesn’t respect them, and places others above you. This opens a sea of new questions: how did this happen? Is it possible to improve your status in your partner’s mind if they’ve already degraded you? Why have they degraded you so much? Do you have the strength to enhance your status?
What Type of Person is More Likely to Cheat
If Your Partner Isn’t in Contact With That Person
And is just fantasizing about them
Your approach is to point out that they’re probably imagining both the person and their behavior and life together. They lack adequate information about about that practically unknown person
We’ll call this technique planting the seed of doubt in your partner’s mind.
Explain to them that if their version is accurate, then your version is just as likely. If they think their fantasy is intelligent, you can suggest (with a smile, please) that they could also be foolish. If they think they’re tidy, suggest they could be messy.
This can serve as a reality check for your partner, a first awakening from their fantasy.
Also, sacrificing something you already have for something unknown is absurd. The goal is for them to think this way. In my country, we have a saying: “Better a sparrow in the hand than a pigeon on the branch.” The aim is for your partner to think that what they have is good and honest, and what they fantasize about might cost them even what they currently have.
As I said, this is only the first text about what to do when your partner falls in love with someone else. And since this is a complex matter, you have to be patient, tactful, and wise. That is why it is important to educate yourself as much as possible about this situation, i.e., to read all these texts.
Specific Things To Do When Partner Falls In Love With Someone Else 1.
