Psychological insights on relationships: rejections, breakups, making relationships happy, unhealthy dynamics, and general psychology.

Can You Get Your Ex Back After Hurting Them?

There are seven things you need to do to get your ex back, but before you read them: read the entire introduction. It will be useful for you to understand the dynamics of the return, what you are returning to, what is happening there, etc.

Shy woman; how to get your ex back

First the bad news, then we’ll move on to the good.

The bad news is that you can’t win back every person after you’ve hurt them. Whether you’ll succeed in winning them back depends on:

  1. What you did and Who your partner is,
  2. How often and how much you hurt that person,
  3. How much time has passed (how long you’ve been hurting your partner, how long they’ve been warning you to stop, etc.)

By combining these factors, we can determine whether you’ll succeed in winning that person back.

And it is also important to say that injuries range from the fact that you said something benign and your partner misinterpreted it, all the way to the fact that you openly cheated or robbed him.

2 Psychological Reasons Behind Obsession After Rejection

1. What you did and who your partner is are closely related.

Man and woman

These two factors are predominant—the type of person in front of you and what you did.

Consider this: a person can be extremely sensitive and intolerant, not forgiving you for a small mistake (you shouldn’t even be with such people—that’s too stressful a life). Or a person can be extremely tolerant but lose their temper over a minor mistake (who knows what you’ve done before).

Since I don’t know your partner, and you know them better than I do, I suggest you pause and consider the combination you have here (a difficult or easy partner, a problematic or easier mistake).

  • The problem is that your emotions, your perception of the whole situation and your partner cloud your judgment. I’ve had countless clients who thought they were wrong (when they weren’t). Or that their partner was proud or stubborn (when they weren’t).

That’s why I’ll simplify this to a few basic paradigms.

  • Having a cooperative person. Even difficult, and especially easier, mistakes pass with them. They usually get angry for a short time and then let you back into their lives.
  • Having an uncooperative person. It means that not even very minor mistakes pass, let alone serious ones. They may not let you back into their lives out of principle, stubbornness, or anger. Such people shouldn’t be kept around because, in the long run, living with them is exhausting and tense.

Why Break Up Is So Hard To Bear: Real Reasons

2. How often and how much have you hurt that person (the amount of hurting)?

Let’s assume it was often and a lot.

This implies that you had a cooperative person with you or someone who was very much in love with you. Because that person knew what you were doing and participated in it.

Man and woman breaking up

You and your partner found yourselves in a shared dynamic that I often mention in this way: it takes two to tango. Regardless of whether the person may have complained or been angry that you were hurting them, if you did this to them frequently and significantly and they stayed – it was acceptable for them.

We humans are complex beings, and why someone finds it acceptable to be hurt is already a matter of psychology. The short version is that if someone tolerates being hurt for some time, it’s okay for them. Either they are used to it in life or they don’t have developed self-defense mechanisms, so they don’t recognize when they are humiliated or hurt.

The essence is that if that person has left you, you did it too harshly or too much. Hypothetically, you should promise the person that you will no longer hurt them in this way and stick to it. This is often enough for such people.

Interestingly, this is almost the most certain return to a relationship because the person is accustomed to mistreatment, so your sin doesn’t seem outrageously large to them like it does to others we’ll talk about.

Important: Don’t get back into a relationship if you don’t intend to change your behavior.

Man and woman

I emphasize that there probably will be no second attempt at anything I suggest in this text. If you are returning to the relationship with my suggestions, be careful not to repeat the same thing because it will be too much. In addition to hurting that person, you also made them a fool by deceiving them into forgiving you. While that person participated in being made a fool of and hurt, they did not want to participate in being deceived into reconciling.

Therefore, if you are returning to that relationship, there probably won’t be a chance to make amends if you mess up again this time.

Can an ex come back after a few months? Or years?

If you said or did something benign, and person interpret it as scandalous.

Honestly, it’s good that person left your life, but let me explain a bit. People who react strongly to relatively benign things done by others do so for several reasons:

1. Their ego is very sensitive and intolerant of any, even minimal, offenses.

Such individuals likely developed such a sensitive ego sometime in childhood, which is very difficult to correct. The only way to fix something like this is through psychotherapy. You cannot help that person strengthen their ego and become less sensitive if you are not trained to do so.

  • I once had a client who experienced fits of rage only when her partner was addressed by another woman. The girl came from a family that humiliated her and made her see herself as worthless. Therefore, any other woman was a threat.

2. Such behavior serves to manipulate you.

Man and woman are fighting

In this instance, the person wants you to feel guilty because it serves some of their needs (narcissistic, sadistic, or borderline). There is some interest in this. Let’s say that while you are absent (because they broke up with you), they have a legitimate right to see other people; to make you indebted to them; to make you feel guilty because it amuses them, etc.

It’s almost unnecessary to delve into the motives of a person with a personality disorder. But what is helpful is to know that such individuals are usually unchanging (the percentage of changeable ones is so tiny that it’s not worth mentioning). This kind of dynamic with them would continue forever.

That’s why it’s good if you ended such a relationship… Sorry if that person ended such a relationship.

The problem is that they often come back after things change in their lives (their attempts at dating fail, they no longer enjoy torturing you, they have punished you enough, etc.).

  • If I were to conclude, the most common profile of people who come to me for psychological consultations is those who have been convinced by someone that they are to blame for the breakup. The reasons for the breakup are usually benign, but the person has been manipulated to think that the reasons are valid for being left. I often say this in response: To my regret and to your fortune, that person will probably come back to you.

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3. They train you so they can control you in life.


It’s like training a puppy. Or any other animal. The point is for the person to learn that if they do something, the consequences will be like this, and if they do something else, the consequences will be like that. After some time, with such drilling, the person is trained to behave precisely as their trainer wants because they know the consequences if they deviate from that behavior.

Neither of these cases is good, and it’s not easy to stay with any of these variations.

3. If you have been hurting that person for a long time (the duration of hurting).

This is another factor why people leave. So, let’s explain this through an example of my client, who, after her second childbirth, started going out and drinking regularly. She left the kids with their father and started living a carefree life. It lasted for five years until her husband finally decided to divorce her. After that, there was no going back.

I chose a drastic case, but instead of going out, we can put anything else: neglect of that person, avoiding sex with someone for whom sex is important, spending that person’s money, restricting things in their life, mocking, disrespect, silent treatment, ignoring, etc. You can put anything on this list and then imagine a glass that keeps filling and filling and filling until it overflows.

Man and woman breaking up

Unfortunately, I don’t have good news for this. More often than not, people don’t get a chance to return. But even if they do, the relationship will be altered. The person who accepted their hurtful partner back no longer feels like they owe anything to that relationship or to them and behaves completely differently—more indifferent or even with the intention of seeking revenge for all those years of suffering.

In this case, however, your breakup is still a good thing because it’s very difficult to establish a third kind of relationship where both people will be happy. There has been so much resistance and anger toward you. Or you may have become accustomed to doing “that thing” and hurting the other person, so it’s questionable whether you can give that up.

  • This is interesting. Let’s say you were overspending that person’s money, and they left you because of it. Even if you come back, you know it used to be like that (endless spending of money). So, it’s strange for you to stop doing that, especially when that behavior was tolerated for a long time. Your question is: Why can’t I do that thing anymore? And, of course, the attempt to return to that dynamic.

That’s why it’s difficult to find happiness in such a relationship: one side is already very angry and resistant, and the other wants to maintain a dynamic that, in the past, used to work out quite nicely.

How To Make Your Ex Regret Leaving You

And what do we do now that we’ve explained the obstacles to reconciliation?

A woman wants to rid herself of toxicity in a relationship

Well, now we can try some of these things:

1. Writing a lengthy email explaining yourself

In that email, you need to explain yourself and why you made that mistake. It’s absolutely forbidden to claim that the other person is responsible for what you did. I mean, you can do it, but you won’t get the results you want. You will only get more anger.

2. Going to therapy

The idea is to understand yourself and your reasons for doing what you do. After understanding yourself, you’ll better know if you even want to get back with that person. Because you’d be surprised at how much other people trigger certain behaviors in us.

  • It’s also possible to go to couples therapy, but in this case, my recommendation is for both partners to first have individual sessions with a therapist to understand themselves and only then attempt joint therapy. Joint therapy is meant to find techniques for functioning together, but it rarely heals deeper problems.

How To Maintain Good Relationship

3. Making amends for what you’ve done


This is always an option. To offer that person some form of compensation for what you’ve done to them. It’s crucial to not question the terms of that person’s compensation. Whatever they want, you should give it to them. I mean, if you want them back.

4. Organize additional, good, and nice things for that person.

Make an effort to do many good things for them. By doing good things, you can create a communication path to that person and suppress the bad things you’ve done to them.

5. Subsequent discussion about the same issue.

Let’s say in a month. So the person realizes that you’re thinking about your mistake. This serves to reaffirm to the person your determination to change and never lose them again. Gather the courage to do this, even if things have improved between you and you don’t want to sweep old dirt under the rug. However, I suggest that you do this because it will help the person gain more trust in you.

6. Not giving up

Of course, you won’t pursue the person, but if you care about them, you won’t give up on them, no matter how long it takes to win them back.

Can a Person Who Rejected You Change Their Mind

7. Patience

Even if they don’t want to take you back and they are worth the effort, you can dedicate everything to winning that person back. The difference in not giving up is that this is a less aggressive way and more about putting the ball in their court.

Read more about this in this article.

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