The most recognizable and predominant character traits in partners. Advantages and disadvantages of having them as partners.
We can learn a lot about ourselves when we understand what kind of partners we are with. Some of these findings about you may surprise you, but try to accept them openly because there are no judgments in them.
There are at least ten ways, if not more, we can talk about partner types. This time, I decided to categorize them according to their dominant characteristics. I haven’t arranged them in a specific order.
Why does a person have to go through bad relationships till they meet “the one”?
1. People with little initiative.
Insecure, fearful, indecisive, lazy and boring partners
The background of this behavior is usually neurosis. The bottom line is that such people are locked in and limited by their imaginary fears and thoughts. Their fears can come from different places: family dynamics, upbringing, trauma, and their nature. They are fearful by nature, which prevents them from being proactive in life. For example, the background of laziness can often be internal conflicts.
- According to one hypothesis, people are born with a certain amount of energy and temperament, so this group also includes people with a lack of energy and who are melancholic by nature.
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Disadvantages of having them as partners:
All decisions are made slowly or with a lot of deliberation and agreement. Often, before any decision, their fears have to be removed, which is a long process. Sometimes it is even impossible to remove them, which means that with such a partner, you will be alone in many of your decisions. Another option is that you will have a scared and indecisive partner with you.
With such partners, you rarely experience support or enthusiasm because all their focus is on their fears, which are an accompanying part of every action. They actually don’t even manage to enjoy themselves, so it spills over to the people around them.
The most unpleasant disadvantage of living with such partners is that their nature usually wins. Why? Because for everything you want, you need to invest double energy: part of the energy in convincing them that something needs to be done, and the other part in doing it. Also, as we said, the person next to you is not enjoying it to the fullest but is observing it through a prism of fear (what could go wrong?).
Because of this, their partners often give up their ideas and joys in life because energy for two people is required of them.
- It is also worth mentioning that this is not only reserved for entertainment but also for work, life activities, etc.
Advantages of having them as partners:
They won’t ruin your life with their ideas. They don’t have energy (courage) for actions, so you don’t have to fear that they will do something against you or something that can damage you.
If you are good at management (I don’t mean just business management, but life management as well), you can easily impose yourself as a leader on them and dictate how you will live your life together. Let’s say the best employees are cooperative neurotics because they perform their tasks well and don’t do things their own way.
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If you don’t let them be your anchor and hold you back, they can easily be someone who doesn’t bother you (don’t forget, many people will hinder you from moving forward in life). They can be great followers.
If you want good coexistence with them, you just must not let them be the leaders. You are the leader and you calm them down with your strength, rational explanations, energy, support, encouragement, etc.
2. Unpredictable Partners
Impulsive, compulsive liars, people who don’t really want you, people with some personality and behavioral disorders (borderline, bipolar, etc.), and people who are ashamed of you.
Such people have found some advantage for themselves in their unpredictability.
This mechanism can come from some part of life where they realize that their elusiveness brings them some advantages. Let’s just say that they gain the most in life if they are unpredictable.
I would divide them into three categories: people who cultivate the trait of unpredictability because they have advantages from it; people who don’t really want to be with you, so it seems like unpredictability to you; and finally, those for whom unpredictability is part of their personality, i.e., of their disorder.
With each of these categories, life is difficult.
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Disadvantages of having them as partners:
As I said, the background is that they gain something from such a relationship and behavior, and not necessarily the other side. It could be that they gain freedom that way, or they try to bind you to themselves. Some opportunism is behind it all.
Their partners usually spend all their life energy on this relationship because they cannot guess what will happen next (whether they will meet or not; whether they will leave them or stay with them).
There is usually no progress with them because all the energy goes into maintaining relationships and fixing bad periods (which don’t even have to be true, but just their game and part of their unpredictability).
So, if we divide them into three groups:
- The first group (those who gain something from it) does not change because this system suits them (let’s say they keep you tied to themselves with their unpredictability).
- The other group actually doesn’t want you in their life, but they get something from you, so they rub your eyes with their unpredictability.
- And the third group are people with personality disorders. Personality disorders are very difficult or never treated, especially since some of the disorders are also accompanied by narcissistic personality disorder. Narcissists always think they are right.
Advantages of having them as partners:
You are never bored. They are very exciting and often have a lot of energy and ideas. Their stories are very entertaining, and they are able to express an incredible love for you as redemption for the fact that they previously cheated or damaged you (don’t forget, this love is part of their acting and role and is meant to continue the same dynamic). They are very expressive and, therefore, enchanting.
If you want a lot of fun in your life, they are the right people for you.
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3. Opportunists
These are the ones who use you and your resources (time, energy, advice, money, connections, etc.) They don’t need you, but you have something they need. If they could skip you and still get what they need, they would gladly do so. In this case, you tolerate them, and they charge you a lot.
They are willing to smear your eyes to get what they need, so they are hard to recognize. They are quite adept at assessing what you need in order to get much more in return.
It is also important to know that opportunists always remember what they gave you because it is their nature to do so. Giving is unpleasant and painful for them. If they are forced to give something (even if they do it calculatedly), they have to make up for it sooner or later because it is against their nature.
Disadvantages of having them as partners:
All your resources will go to them. For everything you have received, you will give 10 times more. It’s hard to recognize them because they still give something. After they exhaust your resources, they will leave you. They will also leave you if they judge that they can deduct more from another partner. This also applies to friendships, collaborations, love relationships, etc.
Advantages of having them as partners:
The only advantage is just having that person marked as important to you. Maybe that person is extremely beautiful, successful (usually they are not successful due to their own efforts but by using other people’s resources), interesting, etc.
A good question is: What do you get out of such a relationship. What is your satisfaction there? When you understand what you are getting, you will also know the advantages of living with such a person.
4. Complaining and Whining Partners
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It is possible that it is their habit or model that was learned in childhood. The background is two things:
- They are victims, and everyone is unfair to them. They want others to recognize how unfair life is to them.
- They are superior to others. More correctly, they are better people who understand life, etc.
According to this, we can conclude that there is a narcissistic background because narcissists expect a certain treatment in life, which in this case they do not get.
Disadvantages of having them as partners:
This kind of behavior is often impossible to prevent or solve. This profile found its strength in this behavior. In cases where they are victims, their strength is that they find compassion. To be clear, they are very aggressive in their behavior towards the people and things they criticize, but also towards their interlocutors, because they force them to participate in something so negative. Also, the victims get a lot just because of their behavior.
If they are superior to others, the advantage of this behavior is that they have a listener to whom they can tell how much better they are than others. Here it is obvious that they are not actually better in reality, so they need a listener to somehow be better (even if only verbally).
For these reasons, it is very difficult to change such people, since their benefits are obvious and they do not want to give them up. Coexistence with them drains all your energy.
- Because of that, as they say, they have hundreds of problems and find problems for every solution.
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Advantages of having them as partners:
- For some reason, that person is extraordinary to you, so the very fact that you have them as a partner is really your victory. This is a typical feeling for people who are in a relationship with superior people. Superior people also impose themselves on their partners as being better than them.
People feel very proud to be with such partners in a relationship. It is possible that they will give you a reason to be proud and feel that you are better than others (you must be better than others to be chosen by such an amazing person).
- Maybe the impressions of that person’s world coincide with yours, so you found an interlocutor in them.
- Since all your energy goes into comforting them, listening, understanding, etc., you don’t have much energy left, so you have a reason why you don’t get things done in your life.
That’s not a bad excuse since you practically keep each other captive in that dynamic, and no one will blame you for not being more successful. And your partner prefers that you be available to listen rather than do something else.
5. Demanding Partners
Dramatic, control freaks, and partners with no boundaries.
They preoccupy your entire life, and you feel like you always have to be at their disposal due to some drama or control. You constantly need to be on edge and owe them explanations or engage with them somehow.
Your life boils down to them making their claim. Their request can be direct (control freaks) or indirect (dramatic people and those without boundaries).
Disadvantages of having them as partners:
The background is narcissistic, and you should know about narcissists that things revolve more or less around them. Their needs always come first, and other people’s needs never come first, because they have so many demands.
Your life is subordinate to their needs. There is no relaxation around them, as the background of their character is the need to control you. In these two texts, you can read a little more about these profiles.
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Advantages of having them as partners:
And this time, it is an advantage if you have marked that person as exceptional, so you like being under the control of an exceptional person.
It is possible that you belong to the group of neurotics who enjoy fulfilling other people’s demands and there is no criticism in this. We are all of a kind. Neurotics (read group #1 above) don’t enjoy being the ones to decide and be the leaders. They need a leader, so coexistence with such people has advantages for them. It is possible that in them you found your strength and someone who will guide you through life.
If you’re with a dramatic person, you just like spending time on their dramas. Who knows why? Maybe it’s an excuse not to spend time on something else.
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6. Aggressive Partners
Explosive, nervous, critics, know-it-alls, people who constantly put you down.
Although not all of them sound like aggression, each trait is aggression on some scale. Aggression is clearly divided into active aggression, which is more easily visible, and passive aggression, which is easily overlooked. It ranges from minor aggression, such as being condescending, to emotional, psychological, and physical aggression. All these traits are ways of being aggressive towards others.
Disadvantages of having them as partners:
If you participate in any relationship in which you are on the other side of the aggressor, you must be defeated or their victim. The problem with this is that participating in this dynamic will train you to become exactly that: a loser and a victim. And the longer you’re at it, the more normal that behavior will become.
When you become defeated (because more aggressive people always win) or you change to the role of a victim (because it is the only way for you to coexist with aggressive people), you will broadcast that behavior on all other sides. At work, in friendly relations, etc.
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Advantages of having them as partners:
Considering that you are with such a partner, it means that you are already susceptible to such relationships. You probably come from a family where this kind of relationship has already developed.
In that case, you feel “comfortable” in this relationship. Not consciously (no one likes to be defeated consciously), but subconsciously.
You feel like you are in a relationship that resembles your original model of love (our original model of love was our parents, so for us, love is how our parents behaved).
This has a sequel. In addition to reliving the love you remember from your childhood, you may also have the possibility of making amends with that person. Maybe this time I will be able to do something so that someone who loves me (in a way that I recognize) becomes less aggressive towards me.
Also, the strength of that partner can please you and make you feel protected, as if you are with a strong person, etc.
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7. People who Encourage Your Negative Behavior
Primitive partners also belong to this group
There is always a chance that you happened to be with this kind of person. You’ve never seen this kind of behavior before, so you don’t understand what you’re dealing with, or that this behavior came later in your relationship.
It is possible that you liked this person very much at the very beginning of the relationship and that you gradually agreed to participate in this dynamic. It is possible that you behave according to their demands in order to please them.
Disadvantages of having them as partners:
It will change you. The more aggressive person always wins. They can turn you into someone without moral and ethical boundaries.
If you feel that someone is encouraging your negative behavior, the goal is to weaken you. Weakening you is not the goal, and the background must be the intention to gain an advantage over you, to change someone’s opinion about you, etc.
If you notice that someone is encouraging your bad behavior, try to look at them through this lens. The prism of someone who does not wish you well.
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Advantages of having them as partners:
Spending time with them may seem attractive initially because they’re a bit quirky.
Maybe you’re finally in a cool crew, and you’re finally doing things you weren’t allowed to do in your life. Maybe you had strict parents, so you are finally your own and free man.
Feeling this kind of freedom without anyone restricting you is pleasant, but engaging in bad behavior is extreme freedom on the one hand. There is still a lot of room for normal behavior in which you will feel free.
- I once had a client who found guys like this cool. She felt they had something she never had. It’s interesting that she related it to her high school when she wasn’t the cool kid and the other, more aggressive kids were cool. In her thirties, she wanted to be cool, so she chose such partners for herself.
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8. Narcissists
It is good to know that all immature people carry a certain amount of narcissism in them, which prevails on two sides: victim narcissists (covert) and superior narcissists (grandiose). In accordance with that, all people have certain behaviors that can easily resemble narcissistic behaviors (they are prone to manipulation, try to get more for themselves, etc.)
That is why I emphasize that we are not dealing with narcissistic personality disorder here, but with narcissistic personalities. Narcissistic disorder is a very difficult and dangerous personality change, Narcissistic personalities are very demanding and ready to take a lot for themselves and manipulate, but they are not so dangerous.
Another reason people get into and stay in relationships with me is the famous Karpman Triangle, which makes it hard to recognize what they’re doing. And because of whom we always hope that things will change (because we see that a person has the potential for such a thing).
It is only dangerous with them if you completely surrender to them, which, as you can see, indicates your voluntary cooperation.
Disadvantages of having them as partners:
Narcissists drain all our energy and time. We recognize them as parasites, and every parasite needs a good host. After such a person takes everything he needs from you, he can leave you and move on to someone else to continue parasitizing them.
As a rule, they do not leave their partners before they find someone else (stronger). Also, they keep coming back to partners with whom they had something. They don’t have the moral edge to give up on someone.
Also, they completely change the personality of the person in front of them. A person who participates in such a dynamic gets used to it, and only such a dynamic is natural to them later. Any different and healthier dynamic is boring to them.
Is my relationship worth fighting for?
Advantages of having them as partners:
Probably because of your appearance, you have the impression that:
- You are very special to be with such a person (grandiose narcissist)
- You are probably the hero and savior when that person chose you
The former act as if they are magnificent, so if they chose you, it says about you that you are magnificent. Unfortunately, you are not; you are just a good host.
And these victims act like they need protection and that at least you can provide them with that protection, which makes you very powerful.
As you can see, both varieties feed your immature narcissism, so you probably enjoy it.
9. Stable Partners
You didn’t expect I’d ever get to them, but they exist. According to my estimate, around twenty percent. Roughly every fifth person you know. But that’s just my estimate. The statistics may be more optimistic.
I emphasize that these partners can also have some of the above-mentioned characteristics, but they are usually present to a lesser extent.
- Each of us has the potential for all possible characteristics, but some are more pronounced.
There is also the option that they have some of the negative characteristics, but that the rest of their characteristics, which are positive for you, are predominant.
If you come across such a person, I recommend overlooking their minor flaws and sticking with them because life with them becomes stable, and stability is the path to success and prosperity.
Disadvantages of having them as partners:
They can be boring to you. They usually have well-organized lives and plans for life.
Just because they have struggled to maintain stability and sanity means that they have quite a strong willpower, and it is very difficult to change their intentions. They will rather give up on you than change if they judge that their way is good.
They often do not want to give up their intentions as they see further into the future. Therefore, it is necessary that others fit into their intentions.
If you have a need for more dynamic personalities, such partners will not give you what you want (there is no condemnation in this, just a statement).
Advantages of having them as partners:
- They will solve most of your problems in life.
- With them, you will achieve the greatest progress.
- You will make the most progress with them.
- They will be on your side, but it will also prevent you from doing things that are not good for you.
- You will ultimately have a very progressive and successful life with them.
- No one will respect you like they do.
- They are ready to give you a lot.
How to judge what kind of partner you have
What Causes Obsession With a Certain Person
Observe their dominant traits
Everyone shows their dominant traits within a month, and if you observe a person through their actions, you’ll quickly see which category they belong to. From the previous text, you’ll know whether to stay with them or not, regardless of whether you’re in love.
How to assess their dominant traits:
If you need to figure out their dominant traits due to emotional involvement, observe how they behave towards others. Look at it critically, and you’ll see everything you need. Don’t be fooled into thinking that some behavior is reserved only for others and not meant for you. People express what’s inside them everywhere sooner or later.
Also, know that each of these traits will draw you into its dynamics. For example, if someone is narcissistic or lying, they will slowly and spontaneously involve you in that. You need to be wise and genuinely take a period of observation at the very beginning of the relationship, then evaluate and decide whether to be in a relationship. If you choose to be with someone who has dominant negative traits, at least you’ve decided for yourself. No one deceived you into thinking it’s better than being involved and deceived.
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A few important instances
- It’s essential to know that all people have these traits to a lesser or greater extent. Some refrain from expressing them, while others express them abundantly.
Suppose you are in a relationship or considering a relationship with a somewhat impulsive person. In that case, there’s no point in labeling them as flighty when there are people who are entirely unpredictable in their behavior. Be cautious with this list before you declare someone something and fall into the trap of misjudgment, losing a good partner because of a less critical trait that occasionally appears.
- The partner you have is entirely your choice. They didn’t trick you; your needs and inner world tricked you.
We fall in love with people who fulfill our subconscious needs, not conscious ones. That is why falling in love and love look different.
- There’s a reason why you like that partner if you’re in a relationship with them. It’s somewhat good news because resolving your inner, unconscious need can help you get out of a relationship that isn’t good for you. If you need clarification on what I’m talking about, try to find patterns among your partners, and you’ll know if you persistently seek something you’ve seen.
How Do You Know When It’s Over?
To finalize:
Although all this sounds like an ample warning, you can also see it as an exercise. A new science for interpersonal relationships and learning new skills. It’s good to observe them and know the rules that apply to relationships with them.
Of course, in the end, it’s best to choose stable partners, but for some people, that’s boring, and they prefer different types of relationships.
Among the listed profiles, there are quite exciting ones, and that’s okay. As far as I’m concerned, have fun. But, as I said, if it starts to change your personality and drive you to madness or despair, and you spend all your time trying to fix that person and the relationship, then it might be a good idea to take a step back and start dating people who are a little less of what you don’t like and a bit more of what’s healthy for you.
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And, in conclusion, if you enjoy being with someone who costs you everything—time, nerves, and bits of your personality—then life may be dull for you. Or you have some complexity in your inner world. I will not comment further than this, but it’s a good idea to know what’s happening.
There you have it.
Good luck with your partners. With love, Dee.
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